Chapter 22: Chapter 19

Every morning when he got out of bed, Johan would feel a great weight pressing against him. His heart beat so frequently that he could not recall a moment when it was not pounding against his chest. The emotions he was going through were crushing him from the inside while he put on a facade of well-meaning and friendliness to everyone around him.

He wanted to forget so badly but his history with his dreams would make forsaking it a challenge.

The desire to talk to someone, anyone, was strong and ever present but the only person he could think of was Wendy. 'I wish to speak with him but what can I say? That the love of my life is a figment of my imagination? Or that perhaps I find the idea of reincarnation true but the girl from my dreams is a young teenager? This convolution is getting to ridiculous levels. But what choice do I have? He is my only companion at this point. I can't go through life with these feelings a second longer.'

"Hey," he told Wendy, "you got a minute?"

"Sure. what's going on?"

"Have you ever... you know, thought about... someone you liked?"

"No, can't say I have. I figured I don't know who I like right now. Maybe in the future when I'm finally transformed."

"Oh, I didn't realize. Maybe I shouldn't have asked. How inconsiderate of me."

"I'm not offended. I told you I'm not that sensitive. In fact, everyone else seems so fidgety than me."

"I'm sorry. I'm just..." He paused for a moment as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Okay, let's put it this way. I have this friend. He... well... you know... Let's say this other friend set up a blind date with a girl but he never met her. What if he finds out that he is in love with this girl but it's not who it seems to be. You know what I'm trying to say?"

"No, not really. That didn't make much sense to me.”

“What part didn't you understand?”

“Uhh... the part about him not seeing the other girl. And he only introduces him to her without being seen. So he introduced to him this girl that he hasn't seen beforehand yet he falls in love with her? That doesn't make much sense.”

“Now I'm the one perplexed. That explanation was quite confusing.”

“Well, just say it in a different way.”

“Then let me try to simplify it. Person A introduces Person B to a woman. Person B has only heard from Person A about this woman. Yet, B already knows who this woman is and is in love with her. However, when B meets up with the woman, she is not who she seems to be.” Wendy listened to every detail but the baffled look on their face conveyed the same sentiment as before. "Okay, how about this. What if you... you fell in love with a stranger? How about that?"

"Love at first sight?"

"No. Like, you know this person but they are a stranger to you."

"How can you know a stranger? A stranger is someone you don't know."

"Oh gosh..." Johan shook his head.

"Hey, wait a minute. This wouldn't happen to be about that girl from last time, does it?"

"What last time?"

"That girl that asked you to meet up on the train, or the bus, someplace with transportation, I can't remember where it was. In fact, I can't remember her name either. Lu-something."

"No, of course not. That's yesterday's news." Wendy smiled. "It really isn't. This is a completely different situation. I'm just having trouble figuring out how to explain it to you."

"Fine. I'll play along," Wendy winked causing Johan to look away momentarily. "So from what I understand, there's this person who likes this other person they never met, but once they meet they no longer like each other?"

"Perhaps. I mean... what if he... scared her away?"

“Like how?”

“She just got scared when they met.”

"So she doesn't like him?"

"I'm certain she doesn't anymore. The thing is this friend who liked this girl, when they met up, turns out she was... younger than he particularly thought."

"Did you meet up with a high school girl?"

"Wendy!"

"Did that 'Lu' girl turn out to be a high school girl? Did you got duped by some brat?"

"Wendy, stop making this more complicated than it needs to."

"You're the one complicating things, making stories up when it's clear it's you."

Johan groaned. "Forget this. I can't believe I tried to talk to you."

He stormed off and headed to his room when Wendy grabbed him by the shoulder. "Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just fooling around with you. If you're having serious trouble, then just relax and let me know."

Johan just stood there brooding as Wendy gave their best smile. Exhaling, he turned around and headed toward the couch.

"I'll make us some tea," they said.

"Forget the tea, just sit down." Wendy obliged and took their place on the couch. "Listen, this has nothing to do with me, okay? Don't assume anything. Don't even assume who Lucy was, which by the way, it was really rude of you to look at my phone, even if it was locked."

"I said I was sorry."

"Putting that aside, I want to talk about... I want to talk about... reincarnation."

Wendy's eyes lit up. "Are you for real?"

"Just listen, okay? Let's just say that reincarnation is real. Let's just say that my dreams are practically showing me events of the past. Do you really think that man in my dreams was my past self?"

"As I said, I see no other reason. But I'm not a psychologist, like you."

"I'm just a student. I'm still learning all this."

"Tell me, did you want to become a psychologist because of the dreams? Did you figure that maybe if you made that as your major, then you'd get the answers you wanted?"

"What makes you think that?"

"You seem really troubled lately. And by lately I meant for years. I've noticed a drastic change in your personality. It feels like something is bothering you. As if, you have something to say but can't say it. I think you're taking psychology because, well, you can't tell anyone about your problems."

"That's a strong assumption."

"So is it true or not? I mean, these dreams, I see nothing wrong with them, but you're taking them so seriously."

Johan turned his attention away from Wendy for a moment. He kept silent but Wendy could tell that what they said ired him. "Tell me, what if you were not allowed to be who you wanted to be? Not because some mandate from the law, perhaps, but more like society shunned you for trying to be something else? What if people wished for your demise and wanted to make you feel miserable if you told them the truth about who you really were? How would you feel if you were forced to live a lie?"

Wendy pondered for a moment before answering, "Isn't that what I'm going through right now?"

"Not necessarily."

"What do you mean by 'necessarily'?"

"You have support, don't you?"

"I do. I have a circle of friends who support my choice, but I have many, many others who do not."

"You do? So a vocal minority?"

"Maybe, or perhaps a vocal majority. I don't know, and I don't care about these haters. Let them hate, I could care less. I'm going to do what I want to do and nobody can tell me otherwise."

Johan sighed, "Must be nice," and got off the couch.

Wendy followed, "Hey, Johan, do you-"

Johan raised his hand interrupting them. "No, Wendy. I'm done talking. I'm going out on a walk."

"But Johan..." and he exited the apartment.

While strolling in his neighborhood, 'Why did I even bother? This isn't high school anymore. I can't talk to anyone, especially Edwin. No, I could talk to him all day long.' He sighed. 'I'm barely in college and already everything is falling apart before my eyes. Are things going to get better? If I graduate, will things just get worse? I don't understand the world anymore. Is this the real world everyone was talking about? Because so far, I hate it.'

Continuing down the street, he spotted Margaret in the distance. With a miserable look on him, he turned around and proceeded to take the corner. A few steps were all he accomplished before stopping, raising his head, exhaling, closing his eyes, turning around, and proceeded to return to his original route only to bump into Margaret.

"Oh my gosh," she responded. "Johan?"

"Margaret! I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

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"I feel like you do that quite often."

"I guess you wouldn't be wrong. But since we bumped into each other, I might as well apologize about last time. I'm sorry for yelling at you and running off like that. I was just going through some issues. Please accept my apology."

"Accepted. I figured something was up as you're usually cheerful. That was quite a surprise coming from you."

"Yeah. Well, then I'll let you be."

"Hold on a minute, don't just suddenly leave. That's your problem too, you just take off without a conversation."

"There's really nothing to talk about."

"I don't buy it. You want to get something off your chest, don't you?"

"Not really."

"I'm sure you do. Come one, tell me, what's going on?"

"Even if there was something, I don't feel like talking about it."

"And bottling it up is the answer? That's what's causing you to explode randomly. Imagine if it happens during one of your classes."

"I guess that would be a bad scenario, but I don't feel like talking about it right now. I just don't have the energy to do so. Now, if you'll excuse me."

He took his leave but knowing Margaret, he stopped rather shortly as he heard the familiar pattern of her high-heels approaching. "Johan, why are you such a loner? Why not share what's going on with friends?"

"I told you, there's nothing to talk about. And I thought I mentioned that you're more Wendy's friend."

"You want to get something off your chest, I can feel it. I'm here for you. I always will."

"No, you're not. You just want to get dirt on me. Just let me go, please."

"Could it be about Lucy?"

Johan groans. "I'm getting tired of hearing that name."

"Oh, you had a fight with your girlfriend? Wait, no, you broke up with her. Oh, Johan, you're still suffering!"

A harsh sigh escaped him. "I'm going to clear this up and hopefully it puts an end to this whole Lucy business. Lucy is a fictional character. She only exists as a figment in my imagination. She does not exist. She can't exist, okay? I hope that clears things up."

"Yeah, I understand. That means your single, right?"

He starts rubbing his face, "Are you only hearing what you want to hear?"

"Okay, fine, we'll play by your rules then."

"What are you insinuating now?"

"I've been thinking about your behavior, Johan. Can't get my mind off of you. Of course, no woman can, at least those on campus. Maybe someone outside as well."

"You're giving me too much credit for something I don't deserve."

"Now just hear me out. Tell me, what do you fancy?"

"Nothing. I don't like anyone."

"You say that and yet 'Lucy', fictional or not, has you at her mercy. If she is just a figment of your imagination, which I don't buy one bit, I think you created this Lucy as a way to compensate for the fact that you can't be with her."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm still having trouble believing you have no interest in me, as hard as it may be to you, but not when I put two and two together. The thing is, this is going to be a shocker for a nerd as yourself, but I'm a woman."

"Well, if you identify as such..."

"No, not like that. I meant a real woman! A very beautiful one at that!"

"If that is how you see yourself."

"Of course. And every man is going crazy for me, right?"

"I wouldn't know."

Margaret rolled her eyes. "Fine. Realistically speaking, many men on campus can't get enough of me. I'm quite popular, you know. But you elude me. No matter how much I try, I just can't get your attention. No woman can. I have made many women jealous, you know?"

"Something you shouldn't be proud of."

"My point is that I find it hard to believe that a handsome guy like yourself is not interested in not just me but any other woman on campus. And yet, Lucy exists."

"I told you that Lucy doesn't exist."

"But she does, or perhaps maybe 'he'."

"Oh no. What are you getting at?"

"Let me tell you what I have observed. You seem to ignore women's advances, or more likely, oblivious to them. You're not attracted to women, correct?"

"Uhh..."

"Yeah, see. A normal man would've said 'no, that's not true. I love women.' You're not attracted to women. So who else would you be attracted to?"

"Margaret, if you are thinking that my interest is in men-"

"But it makes perfect sense. I mean, you don't look at women the same way as men, do you?"

"No, I don't."

"See?"

"See what? I told you, I don't like anyone."

"But what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of a potential love interest? What goes through a man's mind when they think of the ones they are attracted to?"

"That is not the question you asked. You're just being biased based on the outcome you want."

"But Johan, I am interested in you. I can say that with confidence."

"And what a way to say it. Putting aside your inclinations, how did you come to this conclusion? Because I don't look at men romantically. I haven't even had a guy friend in years."

"But you have Wendy."

"Now you're entering into dangerous territory."

"I'm not trying to insult Wendy. You know, we all got to be supportive of our lifestyle choices. Wendy is my ally and all that. I mean, I have it under my Twitter profile, you know? Pride and all that?"

"Yes, I understand, but get on with it."

"I'm just saying, you two have been friends since high school, and she told me that she came out during that time period. Maybe, just maybe, something sparked inside of you?"

"I don't even know what Wendy identifies as. And quite frankly, I don't think Wendy does either."

“Why, Johan, that's quite rude, assuming you know more about Wendy than she does.”

“Whose being rude? You're the one assuming my romantic inclinations.”

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, okay? Because I'm trying to help you here.”

“You're not helping at all. You're just wasting my time at this point. Will you just get on with it, and it better lead to something worth all this.”

“Alright, I get it. Just calm down, okay? Everyone's so pushy these days.” Johan rolled his eyes. “Anyway, as you may know, I myself am also interested in women. I prefer men, but... maybe... you..."

A scowl appeared on Johan's face while Margaret stood there with a smile that she believed was sincere but was condescending to him. Johan's response was to take his leave.

'What is wrong with that woman? Making up crazy situations to fit her narrative. Are these my friends? No, Margaret is no friend of mine. I don't even know why I felt guilty and apologized to such a woman. I should just ignore her from here on.' As he continued walking the path before him, his thoughts were now about Wendy and Margaret. Their words describing who they are and their opinions on how they portray themselves linger in his mind as he tells himself, "Must be nice."

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