Chapter 46: Chapter 42

'This is a lot harder than I thought,' Lucy thought to herself as she stared at the blank email. Invigorated by Jenny's words earlier she had this drive to release her emotions, but when it came time to actually take action, her nerves got the better of her. 'Still, I can't let him just leave like this. I have to tell him how I feel.'

She sighed as she leaned back on her chair while looking her phone. 'It was so much easier on Google Chat. I wish I could just tell him what I feel there, but he probably will never install it ever again. This email is the only way I can talk to him. Unless he blocked me.' Thinking about this for a moment, she was compelled to sit straight up. 'Isn't that too much, Johan? To go as far as to block me? I mean, I can understand if you never want to speak to me again, but to block me? That's too much.'

She clenched her fist but relaxed her hand after a moment of clarification. 'What am I thinking? Johan wouldn't do that at all. He would never go so far as to block me. But it's still possible. He was very adamant about not seeing me anymore. I wish there was some way I could find out.'

Her fingers hovered over her keyboard as the cursor on her screen continued to blink. One finger after another, words were beginning to form in front of her and after a minute of typing, she clicked send. 'Gmail and Google Chat use the same profile. If this email goes through, then that means he didn't block me, at least I think. The message should be innocent enough that he won't actually block me if that is the case. I really need to tell him my feelings, I can't just let this end like this. Johan, please, talk to me one more time before you go.'

--

'The world truly is against me,' Johan thought as he sat on a park bench. 'I really am lost. Who can I turn to now? I have nobody who will listen to me. There was only one person I could turn to, but...' He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. 'Lucy... we had a good time last Saturday, didn't we? It felt like an eternity since I felt that happy. But that will be the last time I can truly be happy. Forgive me, Lucy.'

Staring as the solemn reflection on his phone's screen, he was interrupted by the phone turning on, notifying him of a message. He only needed to read the name before he quickly put it away. 'I forgot. She knew my email. Oh no, what do I do? Do I block her? Do I just throw away the message? Well, whatever decision I make, I have to look at the message eventually. I might as well.'

When he opened the message, Johan, we had a good time last Saturday, didn't we?

He didn't notice his fingers loosening until the phone began slipping. Just as the phone escaped his grasped, his other hand rescued it from having to buy another one.

His attention turned to his surroundings, checking every direction. 'She's not here. But... how...?'

Confirming she was nowhere near, he continued to read the message. It felt like an eternity since I felt this happy.

Johan got to his feet to survey his surroundings one more time. 'Is she spying on me right now? Because this isn't funny.'

Seeing as she wasn't going to appear before him and this was no prank, he continued reading, I hope we can do it again sometime soon. Get in touch with me, please. -Lucy

When he finished the message, he exhaled and sat down. 'Didn't I make it clear I can't see her again? I can't even remember if I actually mentioned it. Was I lost in this fantasy that whisked me away from the cruel nightmare I live now? Because I need to wake up and face reality. This is not going to happen, not in a million years. But what can I say that won't destroy me in the end? She's the only thing I have left and here I am trying to get rid of her... because I have to.' He straightened himself up and took a deep breath. 'But I have t, nonetheless. Everyone is telling me this is the right thing to do. I can't be hanging out with a kid her age with these emotions. I have to do the right thing.'

Emotions were brewing within him, forcing him to suppress them with all his will. The message from the one he wanted to hear from again, and the one he wanted to forget, was sending mixed signals to his brain. The option to delete the message was waiting for him but the reply button was also beckoning.

Out of instinct, or perhaps to clear his mind from his turmoil, he looked around his surroundings and that was when he saw a familiar face a few yards away. 'Oh no. What is Margaret doing here? After what happened this morning, she's the last person I wanted to see.'

He got up, turned around, and started walking away. 'Why did she have to bring her up when I was so happy. What made you think it was okay to just assume I was happy because I was in love. No, Margaret. I'm unhappy because I am in love. Being in love with a person I can't be with is complete and utter misery. And what was that, asking me what I'm going to do about it? Why did you say that? Are you mocking me? And how dare you say Lucy is a dog, that's a terrible thing to say to anyone. She's the sweetest most honest girl you can find. She's an intelligent and beautiful person. You would never understand what I'm going through. The only thing that could truly make me happy is to be with...' He halted in place, his eyes closed, his will power continuing to keep his emotions at bay as he clenched his phone tightly on his hand. 'Why is this so hard to let go? Why can't I move on from this? Why do I have to suffer so much? What exactly am I supposed to do? I can't keep going on like this. There's got to be something I can do.'

Taking a deep breath, he turned around and set his path toward hers.

"Hey, Johan,” Margaret welcomed him when he arrived. “Ditching classes? Never expected that from you.”

"Margaret, about what happened in the car..."

"Oh, I hope I didn't offend you. I just like teasing people from time to time."

"In that case, can you tell me something. What does it mean to fall in love?"

The question left an impression on Margaret, one of amusement, as she laughed, "I have no idea."

"You don't?"

"I'm sorry but I don't have the answer."

"But you seemed so sure in the car."

"I can tell when others are in love."

"Because you've fallen in love, right?"

"Have I?"

"You haven't?"

"Probably, and if I did, I might have taken it for granted." Taking her hand, she starts stroking Johan's chest, "And maybe I'm taking it for granted right now."

"Margaret... about Lucy."

"Oh yeah, the winner. The one with the ultimate prize."

"Prize? What do you mean?"

"You really are oblivious. Johan, you're one of the most popular guys on campus. Many women are dying to be your girlfriend, or even just to go out with you once, but you turn them all away."

"I have?"

"You haven't?"

"I don't believe anyone has ever asked me out except for you."

"Are you really saying that nobody has ever asked you out?"

"Not once."

"But they kept telling me they've try to hit on you and it didn't work."

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"Hit me? Did I offend them that much?"

"No, not violence. They've tried to get your attention. You know, flirting."

"Flirting? What are you talking about?"

"Have you ever had any girl come up to you and, like, say something nice about what you were wearing at the time? Or maybe to help them with their studying? Or even invited you to go out for coffee?"

"Yes, plenty of times."

"And what was your response?"

"Well, it depended if the circumstances allowed me."

"That was what you used to reject them for a date?"

"What date? They just wanted to go for a coffee, or go to a movie, or even just talk to me. I get these a lot."

"And you turn all that down under the presumption that you were busy?"

"Well, I am a college student. I have a lot of studying to do."

"Oh my gosh, you're such a nerd."

"Huh?"

She couldn't control herself as her chuckles transformed into laughter further confusing Johan. "Who would've thought that one of the most handsome men in campus is a nerd who would rather dig his nose into books. I guess not all nerds have thick glasses and pimples on their face."

"What are you going on about? You're confusing me."

"I bet you are. Listen here, my dense friend, you have constantly been approached by a whole bunch of women and you have unknowingly turned them all down because you would rather study. That makes you a nerd, simple as that."

"You make that sound like its a bad thing."

Margaret let out anther fit of laughter before answering, "Johan, you're something else. Some women like that, at least I do. But I guess to the winner go the spoils. I don't know what Lucy did but she figured you out. She has my congratulations."

"Margaret, who do you think Lucy is?"

"Who?"

"Who do you think Lucy really is?"

"Your girlfriend."

Johan's mind was lost as that word had given him a strange sensation within his person that it pulled him away from reality for a moment. "My girlfriend?"

"HA HA HA! You really are a nerd. Now it's time to be a man."

"A man?"

"Tell her you are in love with her."

"You want me to what?"

"Confess that you are in love with her, call her your girlfriend." She leaned in close, "Kiss her on the lips," and backed away. "I know its awkward for a nerd, but trust me, if you want to be a man, you got to do all that."

"No, I can't do that. Not with her."

"Fight, Johan. Fight for Lucy. Forget about your insecurities."

"I can't. I'm not allowed to be with her."

"Again with that. Knock it off with the make believe and forget what everyone else thinks. If you love Lucy, go and get her, okay? Stop being a nerd and be a man already."

"Margaret, do you remember that time at the car, and that 'friend' that I have."

Margaret's bravado was now replaced with one of fear and disgust. "That creep! Ew! You're still friends with him?"

"Listen, I want to talk to you about him."

"No. You get rid of that guy. I told you this."

"Please. I want to talk about-"

"No, no, no, no, no! I don't want to hear it."

"Margaret, just listen to me."

Before he could get another word out, she turned around and scurried out of the scene. But before she left his sight, "Trust in yourself, Johan. You're no longer a kid. It's time to be a man," and took her leave.

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