Chapter 13: 13.1

“But, Young Master!”

 

“Madam will be worried….”

 

None of the servants listened to Louismond’s words; some even tried to follow him inside his room. Bang! Louismond banged the door right on their faces. As he went inside the room and he fell behind the door, he could hear the servants searing at him loudly as if letting him hear those. 

 

“It’s me, Young Master, Hans. Please open the door. Why would you do that? And what’s with your clothes? I don’t know about the others but, you have to let me in, please? I am Hans! Young Master!”

 

Bang, bang, there was a loud knock on his door. What kind of loyal servant dares to knock so loudly on a noble’s door? It was impossible unless you were looked down upon. 

 

He once again lost his mind. A peculiar betrayal tasted sour. It felt like bitter water was rising from his stomach. 

 

“I didn’t even know that, and I… I….”

 

Louismond sat down with his back on the door. Haha, he laughed; his laughter was like cries. Drip, drip, his thick teardrops wetted the floor. 

 

Louismond couldn’t tell the difference between truth and fake in either his first or second life, so he wholly believed that the caring eyes and tender care of the servants were real, and tried to be a kind Master to them. He thought that they would like him more if he treated them respectfully. He didn’t even know that he was being treated like pushover and an item to be sold at a low price. 

 

[‘Poor Louismond. Stupid Louismond.’]

 

Louismond rested his head against the door being knocked on and looked up at the ceiling. 

 

The servants, including Hans, didn’t retreat easily. Louismond now knew what they were worried about. 

 

‘They must be afraid that I will tell them about them to my grandfather, grandmother and uncles.’

 

No matter what everyone said, Louismond was the ‘highest quality product’ that Count Graham worked hard on. What happens if you found out that Louismond’s servants sold him over to a noble woman to gain social sympathy? 

 

In his first life, Louismond only hid in the bushes and cried even after Countess Illencia was done with her job. The servants came to him belatedly. The servants carried the naked Louismond on their back and brought it back to his room, where he was washed and changed. They didn’t ask Louismond what happened; it seemed that they already knew about everything. They were busy exchanging meaningful glances with each other. 

 

Louismond was the only one who had no idea.

 

“Young Master, we… don’t have any idea what happened today.”

 

“Of course, we have no idea.”

 

“Anyway, just forget about it. We won’t tell it to anyone, especially the Lord and the Madam.”

 

“How angry would the two of them be if they found out what the Young Master did today?”

 

‘What happened’ became ‘what he did’. The good-natured and even stupid Louismond in his first life, thought that they cared for him, so he only nodded his head in acknowledgement. He didn’t tell about it to the Count and his wife, nor did Countess Illencia gossiped about it, but they didn’t explain it either. Countess Illencia’s words became the truth and fueled the filthy rumors eventually. 

 

The young Louismond was the one who attacked the married Countess Illencia, and became a toy for all kinds of married women. It was the beginning of the legend of the promiscuous and sleazy Louismond. 

 

The servants who were pounding on his door for a while gave up and turned around when Louismond didn’t open the door until the end. They didn’t seem to have the courage to break the door. Louismond didn’t budge for a long time after the other side od the door went silent. The sky outside the window of his room without lights, had already darkened. 

 

Louismond involuntarily got up and went to light the lamp on the small table. He smirked before igniting the match he was holding. 

 

‘So what if I couldn’t see in this darkness? I won’t be killed by beheading.’

 

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He snapped the match in his hand into pieces and threw it away. His eyes caught a bottle of water next to the lamp, its glass boasted its graceful curve. 

 

“Will I start again if I kill myself?”

 

There was no need to think long for the answer. There is a way to check it right away. Louismond threw the water bottle onto the veranda. Smash, the water bottle broke the window, the shards of glass were scattered on the floor. A cold wind blew through the broken window. 

 

Louismond picked up the sharpest and largest piece of glass. He brought its sharp end to his neck, huuu, and took a long breath. 

 

It should be only for a moment. Don’t hesitate, give strength to your hand, and slash, it will be over. Will this repeated life end like this? Or will I open my eyes to look up at Countess Illencia’s face again? Please let it be the former. 

 

He closed his eyes and gave strength to his hand. 

 

And,

 

“….”

 

Once again,

 

“….”

 

And for real,

 

“… No.”

 

Clink, pieces of blood-soaked glass fell on the floor. Louismond crouched down, clasping his hand cut by the glass. Hic, hiic, his cries poured out. 

 

“Hurts.. it hurts.”

 

How can I stab myself in the neck with my own hands when even a slight cut hurts like this?

 

He was more afraid to die right now than the fear that he would be lying under Countess Illencia when he woke up again. 

 

“I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die like this.”

 

Why should I die? It wasn’t that I had endured so many relapses to slash a piece of glass on my neck.

 

“I want to live.”

 

I wanted to live – like a person, normally, happily. Not living a messy life swayed by others, but I want to live like a human being. 

 

‘It was given to others for granted, but why was it impossible for me, dying seven times and living eight times?’

 

It was unfair – it was unfair that I couldn’t die like this.

 

Louismond opened his eyes wet with tears and looked at his dozens of faces reflected  on the broken pieces of glass. 

 

Hundreds of his portraits opened their eyes. He saw those and made a promise, “Just watch, I will definitely survive. I will live, and be happy. I’m never going to die like that this time.”

 

I will surely survive this life. So, live like a human – normally, and happily.

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