CHAPTER 12 – THE ENTERTAINER AND THE ARMY

The applause continued while Monro hugged Barney with affection and patted his back. He explained:

“When you arrive at base 456 near Bir El Hasana, a territory near the Free Islamic Forces, ask for Base Commander Stone. He will give you everything you need.” Monro gave him a letter “with this power of attorney signed by me, every Commander is required to help you. Anyone who gives you a hard time will get a kick in the butt or will be hit in the head.” They laughed and Monro whispered “I haven’t announced your appointment yet as a minister replacing your boss. Do not worry. I will take care of it as soon as I can. By the end of the month, you will be receiving a formal minister's salary including a constant bonus from me. Before you leave us, do not forget to grab an officer’s uniform from the quartermaster’s warehouse. You have my authorization to wear any rank you wish,” he chuckled. “Don’t take the rank of Chief of Staff General Manager by accident because it’s mine now. Listen joker; tell me a joke before we part.”

“An American tourist visits the Western Wall in Jerusalem. He looks with interest at everything and sees an elderly Jew who has just finished praying and is folding his prayer shawl and starts walking away. He approaches him and asks, “Can I talk to you?” The Jew: “of course” The tourist: “How often do you pray here?” The Jew answers, “every day now for the last forty years” The tourist: “and why do you pray? The Jew: “I pray for the Democrats and the Arabs to live in peace without fights and wars and that all our kids will grow up with abundance, peace, and security.” The tourist: “That’s really great, and how do you feel after praying like that for forty years?” The Jew: “As if I were talking to the wall.”

Once again, they break into laughter while everyone stares at Barney with jealousy and envy and secretly whispers. Monro announces:

“Our dear friend, Barney, is on his way to the front. I am sure that he will contribute to defeating the enemy and that will not be forgotten. Wish him luck.”

The government members, their assistants, the army officers, and people Barney knew from the government offices stared at him with frozen eyes, shook his hand with disinterest, and barely wished him “good luck”. Barney was certain by their looks and their thoughts that they would forget him. Similar to Aswad, they would prefer to be rid of him. Infantry Base 456 was three kilometers from the Islamic infantry base of Colonel Ashraf. The two bases finished erecting their tents and the rest of the necessities for their protection, after the soldiers of both sides dug defensive trenches facing one another and prepared themselves for the unknown and inevitable. The lower ranked soldiers stayed in the dusty, suffocating, and warm tents while their officers and the two commanders of the opposing camps stayed in bigger tents. These tents were comfortable, air conditioned, filled with the newest Hi-Tech devices such as portable computers, computer games and huge sophisticated plasma and LED screens to make their time pleasurable with TV broadcasts, movies, and DVDs.

Barney went to the quartermaster's office in the command pit in Demos, received and dressed in a newly ironed officer's uniform. He walked slowly, with his eyes closed, towards the mirror, his heart pounding at the thought of his cool new appearance. He opened his eyes in front of the mirror and his heart skipped a beat. He looked at himself and truthfully fell in love with the image that stared back at him. He smiled and turned to the quartermaster.

“Now I need a rank” he said and followed him to the appropriate closet and asked, “What is the highest rank here?”

The quartermaster smiled, “Lieutenant Colonel, comprised of two large bars, but you are a comedian. You don’t need more than a rank of a Second Lieutenant”.

 Barney burst out:

“How dare you? Do you know who I am? I am Barney Chaplin; I am not some fake comedian!” Barney waved the letter he received. “You will give me a rank of a lieutenant colonel as per Monro’s instructions, the Boss of your Chief of Staff or I will entertain you from now on in prison where I am sending you.”

The frightened quartermaster answered:

“Okay, okay. I’ll give it to you.” He went to the closet and took the Lt. Col bars. “I’m just a quartermaster, a sergeant, what do I understand about war?” He put the metal on Barney’s shoulder straps. “From now on, Barney, you are a Lieutenant Colonel.”

Barney approached the mirror once again. He felt like the person who stood in front of him was filled with pride and power. Barney remembered all the medals and ornaments he saw on Aswad and Monro and turned again to the quartermaster.

“I’m sure there must be more things the Lieutenant Colonel puts on his shirt. Bring me more stuff. I must be more important than the pope, than the Chief of Staff.” The quartermaster pondered and approached the closet once again.

“Ah, yes, there’s the Civil War ribbon, the Independence War medal, First, Second and almost Third World War medals, Vietnam and Korean War medals, medals from the French Revolution, the Cosmic Revolution and the Maoist Revolution, Woodstock and Hi-Tech World medals. You can also get the following ornaments: parachute, commando, gliding and espionage wings, chicken wing, turkey wings, special war wings for courage, heroism, hope, absenteeism, desertion, and betrayal. But know that some of these medals have a negative connotation.”

“My friend, give me everything from the menu. Give me everything from the menu but only the positive stuff, the rest give to Monro and Aswad.”

The quartermaster's face exhibited and emphasized his impatience and his intolerance. Barney was sure that the quartermaster would prefer to hit him in the head with the shovel next to them. Barney calmed down when he returned from the metal closet, his hands filled with medals, and with an unbelievable quickness, he put them all on. Barney bowed to the vision in the mirror, with a scary seriousness spoke to his reflection while the quartermaster backed away uneasily. Barney stared at him with pity but succeeded in restraining himself, returned to the mirror and mumbled to himself with astonishment:

“You know me? Do you know me? Mirror, mirror, tell me who is the most beautiful in the kingdom” and with a great feeling “The most beautiful in the kingdom is Barney, the joker. Barney, the belly dancer.”

He left the mirror with a smile and shook the embarrassed quartermaster's hand  politely. In his soul and in his dream, he felt that something was missing that could complete his new appearance. Suddenly he understood what was missing. He put his hand into his bag and took out a camera.

“Let’s take a picture of me now as a souvenir for Elena, my dear wife, and the mother of my sweet children. She will be proud of me.” Barney prepared the camera and gave it to the quartermaster who took a picture of him. “And now a picture for my two kids,” he took another picture with disinterest “and also a picture for relatives” and he took a picture with impatience “and now another one for the office” he took another picture and looked at his watch. “The last one is for Monro and Aswad. May they eat their hearts out.”

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Barney stared at the quartermaster with an amused look while the sergeant gave him the camera and went back to his business.

Barney left the quartermaster with a smile and started towards the exit with back erect, his body rigid and straight and with a strict facial expression filled with self-importance as proper to his rank. He took pleasure in watching all of the frightened soldiers who hurried to salute him on his way while Barney returned each one of them a suitable salute. As he continued, however, he felt revulsion and impatience regarding all the saluting so when they saluted him, he quickly raised his hand to his forehead and brought it down even more quickly and put it in his pocket. He entered the Hummer type military car that drove to the nearest airport, and from there, he flew to the desert. Another Hummer was waiting for him to take him to the Democratic Forces base and there, a helicopter with engine running and blades rotating was waiting for him. Barney entered. There five uniformed soldiers were waiting for him: three sergeants and two second lieutenants, selected as his constant companions in his new job as the comedian of the soldiers at the front. Barney shook everyone’s hand including that of the helicopter pilot, who had already taken off and flew, in the desert, towards the border with the Islamic Forces. Barney approached his companions with friendliness.

“It’s nice to meet all of you. My name is Barney. I was chosen for the position of the kingdom comedian during war,” they all laughed. “Let’s hope we will stay at the front the least possible time and that this war will end quicker than Israel’s Six Day War.”

One after the other they introduced themselves “Corporal Shoan, Sergeant Clark, Staff Sergeant Ben and the two officers, Steve, and Fred.

Jimmy, the pilot explained:

“Your driver will be waiting for you at the base where you are heading. It’s nice to meet you, Barney.”

After shaking their hands and after greeting each other, Barney looked outside and felt a brief uneasiness as the land got farther away from them.

The noise of the combat planes and the great boom that marked their arrival and brought bad news to the two adjacent bases, reminded him in their current condition of two mean German shepherds barking and exposing their teeth at one another. The aircraft started bombing heavily, trying to be specific in their hits but to the pilots' misfortune and to the great luck of the soldiers, most bombardments were off target and the damage caused was lower than expected. Anti-aircraft fire was shot at the aircraft continuously and forced the aircraft to  fold their wings and disappear from the place at the speed of a clucking sound amidst thunderous explosions of combat aircrafts that didn’t attack and that preferred to disappear quickly and get back to their base. On their way back, the Democratic pilots reported to their commanders:

“Big Tool, Big Tool... Coming back. The attack succeeded big time. Our dumb enemies had many casualties.” The Squadron Commander at the air force base: 

“Small Balls, Small Balls. You are great, something special, you are our heroes, come back to the base to eat Sushi and drink Saki.” Meanwhile, the Islamic pilots also rushed to report to their commanders:

“Arabian Horse, Arabian Horse. We got them big time; we are heading to the base. The enemies of Islam turned like skewers in hell.”

The Islamic air force base commander replied: “Fucking Donkey, Fucking Donkey, Ahlan Sahlan, well done. You are the symbol and a good example to the Free Islamic Forces. In heaven, a place is reserved for you along with seventy-two virgins, more or less. Come and eat pastries, delicacies and drink almond juice so you have strength for the virgins in Heaven.”

Moans of pain and shouts of fear and terror were heard like a red-hot knife stabbing in the two bases. The lightly injured were sent to rest in the tents, the medium injured were treated and sent to recuperate in the clinic while the severely injured were taken by Islamic Forces or Democratic Forces helicopter for continued treatment in the hospital. Monro and Aswad each called his base commander. Each president demanded that the base commander keep the media away from the base. Each leader warned his commander that should any media team infiltrate the base and film the casualties and/or damage, the commander would be tried by military tribunal and sentenced to life imprisonment. Both terrified base commanders asked how they were supposed to prevent the media from entering. Aswad and Monro answered that they should declare the base a closed military zone, especially to the media, and even put a fence around the base. The two base commanders swore they would do as requested by their chosen leaders, their supreme commanders. In addition, they placed their camels, sheep, and donkeys around the base as an added precaution to prevent any attempt to enter the base. The war went on and inertia governed events. The Islamic and Democratic aircraft again attacked in the hope to gain an advantage. The night attack in cloudy weather was risky and resulted in the aircraft striking at their own troops on both sides, leading to unnecessary injuries and casualties. As opposed to the reality of the situation, the commanders excitedly and proudly reported the successful attack which ostensibly caused severe damage to the enemy. Only after analyzing the pictures of the attack, Aswad and Monro were shocked and embarrassed when they realized what really happened. Despite that and based on the ancient saying “And yet it moves,” they continued.

Monro and Aswad appeared on the news report and reported with superiority and arrogance about the successful attack of their aircraft and the damage to the enemy in spite of the pilots' and the superior military officers' surprise after they were secretly informed of the events. Aswad returned to his Presidential palace in Musulmania. He gave new secret instructions to the commanders at the front. Meanwhile, Monro warned the Air Force Commander in front of everyone:

“If our own aircraft attack our own soldiers again, you will have a new job in charge of the Air Force canteen.”

The Air Force Commander became embarrassed and paled.

“My apology, Mr. President, it won’t happen again.” Everyone got back to business. The Air Force Commander addressed the air base commanders who were present in the hall.

“Are you stupid, dumb? You ruined my reputation, my prestige in the air force. If that happens one more time, you will work as airplane cleaners. In addition, you better prepare for tomorrow night because you are going for another attack.” After the Air Force commander left, the embarrassed air base commanders went back to their bases, gathered the pilots and their teams, and screamed at them:

“You are not pilots, you are dolts. If you embarrass me one more time, you will all become base maintenance workers. Every day you will fly to the latrines and clean them.”

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