CHAPTER 22 – THE COMEDIAN’S COLLAPSE

When they were reunited in their cell Barney and his friends felt some sort of strange and unreasonable euphoria and enjoyed laughing when suddenly their two guards entered and announced:

“You need to come out to the yard for your regular walk.” They smiled mysteriously, “You have a guest in the yard.”

They walked towards the yard, trying to guess who the mysterious visitor was. They raised names of people they didn’t usually like “Most probably my wife, my mother-in-law or maybe my business partner.”

Once again, they felt enthusiastic and laughed, happy and relaxed. They all said to Barney “Tell us a joke!”

 

“Three rabbits are playing cards and during the game one of the rabbits stands up and said: “Listen to something strange: my wife read “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” and we had three baby rabbits.” The second rabbit heard him, stood up and said: “It also happened to me, my wife read the book “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” and we had seven rabbits.” The third rabbit got up scared and started running, the rabbits asked, “What happened?” And he answered: “My wife is pregnant now and she is reading  “Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.”

They walked towards the prison yard joking but stopped with astonishment. Doctor Said, President Aswad, his bodyguards, Mike Satanic and a few high-rank army officers and government ministers stood in front of them. Aswad shook Barney’s hand with a sweet smile.

“How are you, Barney?” He turned to the captives. “How are you?” And again, turned to Barney “tell me Barney, I heard that your back was hurt. I’m sorry.” He chuckled “Rest assured that whoever did it can no longer hurt you. Come on, make us laugh.”

Barney smiled nonchalantly, experiencing a wave of self-confidence, and started telling a joke, expecting it to be successful:

“Question: what is the difference between an American zoo and a Chinese zoo? Answer: in an American zoo the name of the animal is written on the cage, In China, they print the name of the animal and the recipe.”

Barney became silent to examine the effect of the joke on his audience. To his utter surprise, only his six friends laughed. Barney was certain that the rest did not understand the joke. Suddenly Aswad screamed at his six friends:

“Quiet, he is not telling the jokes for you. You will laugh even if he farts a loud and smelly fart, am I right? So, get it into your heads, if anyone laughs at Barney’s jokes, I will shoot him in the head and Mike Satanic will put two bullets in his ass.”

 Barney stared at Aswad, surprised, and hurt, and wondered with contempt and anger:

“I don’t understand why you harass us, maybe you'll stop once I start making you laugh, you fool.”

Barney understood he has no choice but to continue because when the dog barks, the fleas jump. He did his best to relax.

 

“A man meets his sworn enemy who lives in the house in front of him. After a short conversation, he finds out that his neighbor works in an antique store, and he decides to visit him there and to get his revenge in some way. The following day, after work, he goes to his neighbor's antique store and asks to buy a pair of binoculars. “What kind of binoculars are you looking for?” The neighbor asks him. “We have a Japanese pair for 200 and a German one for 500.” “I want the Japanese pair,” answers the man and buys the binoculars. A few days later, the man comes to the antique store and tells the seller enthusiastically, “Yesterday I saw what you do to your wife, your naughty...” The neighbor answers, “Had you bought the German pair, you would have realized that it was your wife.”

Barney stopped telling jokes since he felt that something was wrong. His anxious, desperate friends restrained themselves, prohibited from laughing. Barney knew that no one was interested in getting a bullet in the head. All the prisoners, their guards and also Aswad and Said stared at Barney with frozen faces. He saw cadavers staring at him. He felt in his bones and in his consciousness that something strange was going on and the dark threatening clouds started to creep in above him. Aswad stared at him with the forgiving smile of a wolf looking at Little Red Riding Hood and said:

“It doesn’t matter Barney; it seems like your jokes are no longer funny. Go on; keep trying until you make us laugh. Or else...”

Barney was sweating and horrified because he knew what was meant by that and he began a new joke.

“A woman is in the kitchen scrambling eggs when her husband comes home, enters the kitchen, and immediately starts to scream: add more oil or it will stick, stir, stir the eggs...now, don’t you see you need more oil? Add oil, it’s sticking, stir it now, stir the eggs. Come on, hurry up, it’s spilling all over, are you mad? Add more salt. Add more salt I said.” The woman becomes annoyed: “What's happened to you? Why are you screaming, don’t you think I can scramble eggs without your help?” Her husband answers: “I just wanted to show you how I feel when I’m driving, and you are sitting next to me.”

 

“When the vet arrives, the farmer complains: “My horse hasn't moved for a week…” The vet says: “Open his legs...” The man opens the horse’s legs. The vet hits the horse’s testicles with a hot iron and the horse gets up and gallops off. The man asks: “Good for you...how do you think I'll catch him now?” The vet answers: “Open your legs.”

 

“A farmer goes into a bar, feeling down. The barman asks him: “Tell me, my friend, why are you down?” “There are things you will never understand.” The farmer adds: "I milked my cow and before I managed to fill the bucket, suddenly she kicked me, and the milk spilled on the floor.” “What did you do?” The barman asked. “I tied her leg to a post with a shoelace.” “It’s not pleasant but why should you be so depressed because of it?” “That’s not all,” the farmer said and continued: “I started to milk her again and before I managed to fill the bucket, she, with her second leg kicked me and the milk spilled on the floor.” “What did you do?” The barman asked. “I tied her other leg with my second shoelace.” “It’s not pleasant but why should you be so depressed because of it?” The barman asked again. “That’s not all,” the farmer said and continued: “A third time I started to fill the bucket and again, right before it was full, she hit me with her tail and the milk spilled on the floor...” “What did you do?” Asked the barman – “What could I do, I tied her tail with my belt to the door post...at that exact moment my pants fell down and my wife came in,” answered the farmer.

 

Barney stared at everyone but refused to believe it. He started to shake from fear, his tormented and miserable face as white as Said’s smock. His friends were unable to return his gaze as they looked downward. Barney began to think that something was purposefully keeping his audience from laughing, some sort of supreme power or maybe some mysterious disease hit them, a laughter syndrome that was not funny. Barney pondered with despair and concern.

“Why aren't these sons of bitches laughing? Maybe they are all constipated, they all turned deaf, or I turned stupid? Maybe I turned into a bad joke teller instead of the well-known comedian named Barney?”

President Aswad slowly approached him with compassion and disappointment, but his hollow eyes expressed maliciousness and terror. He spoke in a humiliating and threatening voice:

“It’s not working for you today, Barney, right? Therefore, I, President Aswad, the great general, the new prophet, Muhammad's successor, I, Aswad the merciful, give you another last chance. You either make us laugh or it’s the end, the end of the beginning, the beginning of the end...” His friends felt the disappointment, the abysmal despair, and the increasing terror in every breath.  Without any warning they started yelling at him with horror seeping into their minds:

“Start making them laugh, you son of a bitch, are you making an effort? You trash, idiot, you either make them laugh or we are going to kill you, maniac, homo.” Barney recoiled in fear.

“Okay, okay, shut up...you are frightening me.”  Adrenalin filled his tense body and a cold sweat covered him in waves. He summoned all his resources, his strength, his prayers, his hopes, and every inch of his body, which screamed for life. Barney’s eyes did not see a thing, his ears did not hear a thing, his heart did not beat as usual, and his brain did not think as usual. Without checking the prisoners’ responses Barney continued as in a trance. He continued as long as he could breathe. He started making funny, strange, and scary faces, made imitations of people and animals, tore at his body and his face with spasmodic movements like a person in an epileptic fit who did not control his actions and movements and was stuck in Escalation forever. He imitated all the political leaders he knew and those he knew less well, continued with caricatures of celebrities, animals, and everything that moved and breathed including quotations by famous people, past and present, and resumed telling jokes.

“A Romanian sprout a dick in the middle of his forehead. The Romanian sees it and doesn't know what to do. He goes to the doctor and says: “Wow, do you see what has grown here?” The doctor tells him: “There’s nothing for you to do. Go and see the world.” The Romanian is not satisfied with this doctor and goes to another one. The second doctor tells him the same thing “Go and see the world.” In a comparable way, he goes to three more doctors, and he is fed up. He decides to see a specialist abroad. He arrives for his appointment and shows him the problem and the doctor say: “There’s nothing for you to do. Go and see the world.” The Romanian answers: “What do you mean by go and see the world? Everyone tells me that and you tell me go see the world. “Why should I see the world?” The doctor answers: “Go see the world before you grow balls.”

 

“An elephant approaches the river and there he sees a man pissing into the water. Suddenly he starts laughing. The man asks him: “What’s so funny?” The elephant says: “With this are you planning to drink?”

 

“A fish swims happily near the beaches of Jamaica. It is a beautiful sunny day, and the fish decides to get out of the water and tan himself. The fish puts tanning lotion on, lies down, and lights up a huge joint, as is customary in Jamaica. Suddenly the lion arrives. The fish calls him: “What’s up brother? Come sit with me, let’s smoke together, it will be great.” The lion, not used to being addressed that way, sits, and takes a few tokes, suddenly turns to the fish and asks him: “Tell me, do you know who I am?” The fish answers: “No, I have no idea who you are, my brother. Who are you?”  The lion says: “What does you mean? I’m the king of beasts.” The fish tells him: “Ah, great grass, ah?”

 

“A man was fired from his job. He went to a friend, an owner of a supermarket, and asks him for a job. The friend said: ”No problem, you will be a seller, but I like my sellers to push additional products to the customer.”  At just that moment, a customer comes in, so he tells him to pay attention to the performance. The customer asks for window cleaner, and the owner of the business gives it to her and says, “Here you go, Ma'am. Can I also offer you furniture polish?”  “Why do I need it?” The customer asks. “If the windows shine, then the dirt on the furniture will become apparent.” He spoke. “You are right I guess.” Thus, she bought the two products and went out happily. “Do you see?” The owner of the business said to his friend, “That is how I like it.” Another customer enters, and the owner tells his friend to go and assist her in the same manner. The customer: “I would like a package of tampons.” The worker tells her “Here you go Ma'am. Can I offer you window cleaner and furniture polish?” The customer: “Why do I need that?” The worker: “The week you can't have sex, you can at least clean the house.”

 

A woman goes to the priest to confess.

The woman: I called someone son of a bitch.

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The priest asks: Why?

The woman: He touched my breasts.

The priest touches her breasts and asks: Like that?

The woman: Yes.

The priest: And that is why you called him son of a bitch?

The woman: No, he also put his penis in me.

The priest puts his penis into her and asks: Like this?

The woman: Yes.

The priest: And that is why you called him son of a bitch?

The woman: No, he also fucked me.

The priest fucks the woman and asks: Like this?

The woman: Yes.

 The priest: And that is why you called him son of a bitch?

The woman: He had AIDS.

The priest: Son of a bitch.”

 

“A group of girls went on vacation, arrived at a five-star hotel with a sign on it saying: “For women only.” Because they were without their boyfriends, they decided to go in. The receptionist, an extremely attractive man, explained to them how it works. We have five floors...Go upstairs, floor by floor, and when you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide because each floor has a sign saying what to expect.” So, they start climbing and on the first floor, there is a sign that says: “All the men here are terrible lovers, but they are sensitive and cute.” The girls laugh and without a second thought, go to the next floor. The sign on the second floor says: “All the men here are great lovers, but they treat women badly.” It wasn’t good enough for them, so they go to the third floor where the sign says: “All the men here are great lovers, and they are very sensitive to a woman's needs.” It was already good, but two floors were left so they went to the fourth floor where the sign was really perfect: “All the men here look good, they are sensitive, great lovers and also single, rich and heterosexuals.” The women were pleased but they decided to check the fifth floor before staying on the fourth floor. When they arrived at the fifth floor, they found a sign that said: “There are no men here. This floor was built to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

 

“The three animals that a woman likes: 1. Mink – on the neck. 2. Jaguar – in the garage. 3 Jackass– to pay for all this.”

 

“A man is at home, watching TV when he hears the doorbell ring. When he opens the door, he sees a childhood friend he has not seen for years. His friend enters with a big dog. The friends start bringing up childhood memories. In the meantime, the dog starts ruining the house; he kills the cat, knocks over the TV, pulls down the curtains and whatnot. At the end of the visit the host tells his friend sarcastically “What a great dog you have.” “My dog?” The visitor is surprised. “He was near the door when I got here. I thought he was yours.”

 

“A bear and a rabbit find a magic lamp. The bear starts rubbing the lamp and suddenly the genie comes out and says:

“Each one of you has three wishes”

The bear: “I want all the bears in the city to become female bears.”

The rabbit: “I want a motorcycle.”

The bear: “I want all the bears in the country to become female bears.”

The rabbit: I want a helmet and fuel.”

The bear: “I want all the bears in the world to become female bears.”

The rabbit: “I want the bear to become gay.”

 

“One day God feels like giving presents to humans. He takes a German, a Democrat, and a Russian and places them above three pools. He says: “Each one of you will now jump into a pool. On his way down he will say something, and the pool will be filled with whatever he asks for” The Russian jumps and screams: “Vodka” and lands in a pool filled with Vodka. The German jumps and screams: “sausages” and lands in a pool filled with sausages. The Democrat trips on the way down and yells ...Shit.”

 

“A man meets his friend and tells him he has a horse at home – out of this world. Completely educated, eats with them at the table, uses the bathroom, showers alone, is quiet, hugs and caresses, and even know to speak a few words, a golden horse. But the man has to travel overseas and so needs to part with the horse. He tells his friend he is willing to sell the horse to him for 5000 dollars, that’s of course a bargain for any horse...not to mention the fact that this is a golden horse. The friend doesn't hesitate, goes and brings 5000 green ones, takes the horse and happily goes home. A week later, our acquaintance calls his friend to hear what’s up with the horse. “Don’t ask... He shits all over the house, kicks and breaks objects and attacks people, he stinks and...” “Shh...” Our friend interrupts him. “If you keep talking like that, you will never be able to get rid of him.”

 

Barney was exhausted and stopped. The curtain of his fate was completely lowered, his eyes were closed wide open. He did not feel anything but a great calming and tiring silence and still there was no sound or hint of a smile or laughter in the air. The laughter became part of the past, the laughter did not exist, the laughter was dead and gone. The world continued on its course and in the peaceful fog, he heard Aswad’s voice:

“I’m sorry Barney, you just determined your fate and even worse, you determined your friends’ fate.”

Barney’s friends lost their consciousness and collapsed to the ground. Barney had an insanity attack. Everyone stared at him as hopelessly insane. Barney jumped in the air with weird screams, waved his hand all over like a drugged Trance dancer, started imitating Bigler, screamed in poor German and then heard himself call out to the sky and collapsed on the floor semi-conscious while mumbling:

“I’m Barney, the best comedian on earth and even if you take my life, I'll always remain Barney, the best of all.”

 

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