Chapter 70: Chapter 70

 

As I predicted no one bothers us on our way out.
As if there was no one in the first place wherever we went in the building.
Still, I only can calm down when we reach the gate and officially leave the school grounds.
Just then I drop against the wall.

 

"Iori!?" (C)

"This is all too much! Everything got totally out of control and I just can't anymore!" (I)

"Iori, it's okay. I know this day was a bit strange but it's over." (C)

"It'll never be over! It'll only get worse and worse! I have no idea what happens, or what I did and, and... I have something in my head!" (I)

 

It doesn't matter to withhold this.
Chiaki is my friend and I really need someone to confide in.
Because this is what truly is the hardest for me right now.

 

"How do you mean this?" (C)

"I noticed when I did all this stuff on the roof. Something was guiding me. Some... presence. It made me perfectly know what I was doing even if I couldn't possibly know. But it was also there. Nestling deep inside me. I, I'm scared." (I)

 

You are scared!?

Huh!?

Seriously!
I leave everything for such a short time to my own devices, granting myself the peace I wished for, and try not to interfere in any way while returning to the whole I was before and then I'm messing up so badly?

 

"I mean goddamnit, I can't be for real!" (I)

"What happens to me?!" (I)

 

My thoughts are disordered.
I can't think straight.
Am I losing myself?

 

"I-Iori, you- you're talking with two voices. And there are tentacles sprouting everywhere. I'm starting to grow a bit worried. And maybe scared." (C)

 

I focus my attention on her.
She's truly out of it.
I didn't even realize what kind of horror show I gave her in my state.
Despite my terror, I don't want her to be like that.
I promised her that I would do all I can to shield her from the bad stuff.
So I have to soothe her.

But before I can do so I decide against it and leave everything to the part of mine that is smart enough to be trusted to make sound decisions.

Wait, this isn't right!
Something is wrong with my mind.

 

"It's unbelievable, how much trouble I'm causing! For Chiaki's sake I'll visualize it a little better." (I)

 

What was that?
Suddenly my thoughts feel clear again.
I almost believe it's over until I notice that an amalgamation of flesh forms next to me.
Connected by a small biological strand.
The chunk warps, twists, and squeezes together until it forms a humanoid shape.
Which quickly gains more details until it looks like me.

 

"Satisfied? I only want myself to know that I don't like this state. It's not natural for me." (I2)

 

Not natural!?
You just formed out of warped flesh of most vile origins!

 

"I thought I wanted to soothe my friend? In this case I should probably voice out all of the communication or she won't be able to follow the discussion." (I2)

 

Isn't that right?

 

"Y-you? You're here? I thought you vanished." (I)

"No. I said I want to merge. And I'm working on it. Which would be easier if I wouldn't fight against this with every fiber of my body. I can't act against my own will. So while I'm doing everything I can to satisfactorily get us into a proper, settled, wholesome state all else I can do is to try to work towards results I would wish for if I wouldn't lack any sense of self-preservation." (I2)

"Iori, what is going on here?" (C)

"Ah, yes. Sorry. I'm that part of mine that would represent survival instinct, cunningness, and a tint of necessary cruelty. You know, I never had much of that in the first place but unfortunately, I also messed up and split this absolutely essential part of mine from the rest. Since it came to this I thought I could as well shape a body to simplify communication." (I2)

"I think she meant me." (I)

"As if that means anything different. We're the same. There's no distinction." (I2)

"Right now you act quite independently!" (I)

"Only because I'm so incredibly dumb! I wasn't even active, content with my dormant state until you would relax enough so I can merge for real. But you truly had to behave so incredibly stupid that I, completely aghast, had to do something!" (I2)

"No one asked you to!" (I)

"Oh, I was pleading to myself. I was basically screaming at myself to intervene in all this mess." (I2)

"What mess? What could I even do to cause such a thing from happening?" (I)

"Being dangerously naive! What even was my intention?! I experience all my thoughts and still can't see the idea behind my very own actions!" (I2)

"Which actions?" (I)

"For real, only because I accidentally harmed someone there's no reason to pass cosmic powers to others like candy! If it would've only been on me alone I would've shown them that such behavior isn't acceptable. However, my main self wanted to deal with this differently, so I had to comply." (I2)

"What do you mean with complying?" (C)

"I can't do something against our general direction. I'm usually more the little devil on the shoulder who begs that things are solved in a smart way. But if it's not smart then I can only make slight adjustments to prevent the worst. Like uttering some minor threats against abuse of power. Which my main self barely considered. To think that I even had to do the main work to give them out." (I2)

"You, you were responsible for all my weird thought processes?" (I)

"Ah, at least not all hope is gone for our intelligence. First, I was begging for a way to fix this whole mess. This was the first waking call. I hoped it would suffice to give some pointers about repairing soul damages, as my main self still fails to access all the knowledge we theoretically possess, and if that would've been it I could just have dozed off again. But then I let myself get convinced by this "totally-not-suspicious" girl and agree to grant her stuff far beyond her range. The mere thought of this degree of naivety was so revolting that I couldn't lie down anymore. So thanks for shaking me awake, I don't appreciate it. Without me, you wouldn't even think about delivering it with a safeguard." (I2)

"A safeguard?" (I)

"Yep. I planted a nice little, naturally non-aggressive, tumor inside her head, which will shut off all her powers should it detect any mental wavelengths characteristic for someone planning malicious stuff and which will promptly inform us about the attempt." (I2)

"You planted a tumor!?!" (I)

"Non-aggressive! Sigh. As long it won't get stimulated nothing will happen, and even if, nothing beyond the described." (I2)

 

Honestly, I can't be this stupid.
Wait, that's even possible while she's out there?
Apparently, I am.
I'm just a manifestation, a metaphor, not the real thing.

 

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"So you have a split personality?" (C)

 

Chiaki is right.
I really thought it would be over.
But now she's here again.

 

"Yes and no. I'm seriously working on it. I'm not my own person, but the time I spent alone led to an abundance of independent experiences. More than initially was cast away returns, which leads to difficulties with the integration. I'd really like to become one again but can't completely accept myself, which makes it so unnecessarily problematic. The thing is, and that's what I already told myself, this kind of suppressing is bad and will lead to violent reactions of the respective character trait if stimulated. And if this whole situation isn't a prime example for this, then I don't know what is." (I2)

"Great, fine. You've done everything you wanted! You can go now!" (I)

 

At best far away from here.
Maybe another dimension?

 

"I don't know, Iori. She doesn't seem to be evil. At worst a bit peculiar." (C)

"Awhh, I know why I'm still friends with ya." (I2)

"I don't know Iori. She seems pretty open to compromise. And she says she would like to get everything back to normal. Would it be so hard to accept her?" (C)

 

Now my best friend is fraternizing with my dark side!
How the heck shall I deal with this?

 

"She's literally the embodiment of everything that is vile about me. Shall I simply say that it's okay to be evil? Does this even remotely sound like a good idea? Not even the best psychiatrist in the world could solve this inner conflict!" (I)

"Did you try?" (C)

"Pfft. Would like to see how this plays out." (I2)

 

I don't!
The poor man.

 

"She said herself that she's cruel and you have no idea what kind of suggestion she usually makes. A hint, it's often about eradicating stuff!" (I)

"I'm only doing the necessary to keep us afloat. Do you really think in our situation we can afford to be lenient in every regard? There'll eventually be opposition with the goal to annihilate us. If that time comes, pacifism won't bring us far. I'll just give you this little mental practice to think about: If right now you had the chance to give away all your powers, for example to me, and return to your old self, would you do it?" (I2)

 

I could have the chance to become normal again?
All my troubles, all the terrifying things, simply gone?

 

"What's that for a question? If I could get my normal life back I would immediately..." (I)

"WHAT WOULD YOU DO?! Give up on every means of defense?! Become a plaything for every single greater power in existence?! Allow everyone to do to you and those close to you as they please?! Accept that you're powerless and bad things simply happen? Look into yourself and answer me, would you truly want to lose this tiny bit of control you have right now to decide for yourself? To choose your own fate?" (I2)

 

I... I don't know an answer.
She's right! I can't give up on this.
As much I despise how my body changed, how it reacts, how much crazy stuff happens, and how I am responsible for things I never wanted to do and ended up harming others, I simply can't stop!

 

If I do, not only I but everyone I love will be prey to the dangerous things out there.
This world won't suddenly become a nice place if I do so.
But that's not the main point.
The most important point was in her last question.
The one thing everyone aspires but can never truly obtain.
What even I now more than ever with all that happened to me wish for.
This one state of affairs.
Control.

I want control over my life.
I want control to prevent bad things from happening.
I want control to work towards all the other things I wish for.

And so she's right.
I know power doesn't necessarily mean happiness.
It corrupts, makes one cross lines one shouldn't.
But giving up on my power can't be the right way.
It's just cowardly burying my head in the sand, hoping that in my ignorance nothing bad will happen.

I know I have to stay the way I am.
I need to accept my circumstances.
And this hurts more than everything else.

 

"You've won." (I)

 

You already know about my thoughts, huh?

 

"You still don't get it. I don't win a thing. I'm you. There's no difference. If you're sad I'm too. If you despair I do as well. If you rage I'll bring desolation over whoever opposes us. This is what I am. I only want to keep myself alive. And this includes both of us. Do you finally understand?" (I2)

 

Yes, I do.

 

"Good. Then I can stop puppeteering this flesh coat. You've no idea how hard it was to contain my despair and distracting every entity in ten miles radius from the waves our little outbreak caused." (I2)

 

And with this, the body in front of me shrivels away like a fruit on a tree in fast forward.
Still very hard to see this happening to my body.
Chiaki is as well clearly weirded out.
Nonetheless, she addresses me.

 

"Do you need some more time, Iori?" (C)

 

Sigh.

 

"No, I don't think so. I was right. It's not helping to just whine about my situation." (I)

"Ah!" (C)

"What?" (I)

"You did the same thing she did. You know, saying "I" for the both of you. Maybe you can start solving this inner conflict now?" (C)

 

Uh, isn't this a kinda weird tick?

 

"Maybe. I mean, even to think about merging is a bit much. But you're right. It can't be wrong to solve my own personal issues." (I)

 

As if that's so easy.

 

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