Chapter 72: Chapter 72

 

I'm grounded in my room.
One would think divinity would prevent this from happening.
But mum is just so terrifyingly intimidating.
And the way she looks at you with those black eyes and the storm of miasma around her, betraying her calm composure.
It's just impossible to go against this.
Absolutely.
I look next to me and find my dark side is still there, sitting on my bed.

Our bed?
Just mine is right, as you are me as I am I.
God, my head would hurt if that would be possible with this body.
I should change the topic.

 

"You didn't already leave to sleep in my subconsciousness or whatever it is you do?" (I)

"I don't know if I'm allowed to. You know, whatever punishment meets you will affect me the same. I can't escape from it." (I2)

 

I realize that I barely understand how she's feeling.
Yes, okay, naturally I do on some level since she's me to a degree.

Also, I know by now what sharing thoughts is like.
But as she's not occupying too much of my mind and often says that she's only a fraction I can only fathom that it must be much more intense on her side.

My side?
It's weird to think about this.

Anyway, I can only fathom how hard it must be to always be confronted with someone else's unfiltered thoughts.
Thanks for noticing.
It's proof of my eternal patience.

 

"And now? Wanna play a game?" (I)

"I don't own any multiplayer games. I wasn't into inviting friends over, remember? The only I ever played was this stupid car game Chiaki forced me to play. And she wiped the floor with me." (I2)

"How much longer do you want to continue with this way of speaking? Isn't it difficult to maintain this? Why not simply saying us?" (I)

"Because it would mean to accept that we're separate entities. Which isn't the case yet and decreases the chances of ever becoming whole again. In our case, our thinking is making facts, as you should've learned by now." (I2)

"Would this be so bad? I mean, you did quite well on your own. Conquering worlds and such. I'd only mess up." (I)

"It seems "I" still don't get it. I don't want to be like this. There's this overwhelming feeling of lack, of incompleteness. The "rest" of mine may not notice it as much, even if it's clearly lacking a great deal of my aggressive traits, but "I" am missing ninety-nine percent of my personality. I can barely think about anything that's not related to the part of me that I represent. Maybe, just maybe, it would be possible that over the course of the next millennia I could become a whole being of my own, but I don't want this. I know this personality well enough to be certain that I'm not a good base for a character and it would end badly." (I2)

"I cannot understand this. Don't you want to live?" (I)

"Ah, yes. This is how I think about merging. Dying. Do I really think my whole self would cease to be if this happens." (I2)

"Well, the theory sounds confusing. You... "I" might be right that it wouldn't mean so much for the ninety-nine percent if a bit is added. But I'm not the small fraction here which would be diluted with the whole rest. Isn't this a scary thought?" (I)

"Yes, and no. It's what I want. I can accept that I am what I am. More than this, I feel sometimes how the distinction wavers. Stops to be for mere moments. And it's not scary. It feels right. It's hard to convey this, but I am not different from you. I am you! I am I and no one else. And I don't want to be anyone else. Can't you understand this?" (I2)

 

While it's very abstract it makes sense.
I cannot know how it feels to only be a small part of something, but if there is really no distinction, or rather if there will be no distinction, as that's what I'm working towards here, then it might be just like being me right at this moment.
If the process is a fleeting one then it's no abrupt end, but just that our thoughts align more and more till there's no difference anymore.
And I think... that currently, my other me is influencing me to understand my own viewpoint.
It helps, right?
Damn, I want more privacy in my mind.

 

"Fine, I think I understand your point. Still, all this feels so terribly foreign. And yes, I am being all defensive about merging. I know this, but... I guess that you're also embodying everything about my situation that is repulsive to me. It's a bit hard to expect from me to embrace this vile, slimy, tentacle abomination. That's nothing rational, you know" (I)

"I'm you, so naturally I know." (I2)

"I'm sorry. Even if I can logically convince myself that it would be okay, I doubt it would work if I don't truly feel it." (I)

"That's no problem." (I2)

"No problem? I thought this is all this is about?" (I)

"As I said, at times the distinction wavers. Merging is no conscious act. All it needs is that you long enough stop being defensive. During those moments more of me can sip into the rest. You don't have to tell yourself to do it. It only requires some time where you stop being disgusted by the mere thought. Maybe in a week, a month, a year, or ten, but eventually I will be completely diluted. And you won't even have noticed how it happened when it's done." (I2)

 

It's a bit disturbing to learn how simple the process is.
She would just suddenly be gone.
Or rather be a part of me.
Do I want this?

 

"Hey, hey. Stop thinking too much about it. Being conscious about what happens is detrimental." (I2)

"You know. I'm afraid of you. But I'm also kinda envious. You're so much stronger than I ever was." (I)

"You realize how little sense this statement makes, given our situation?" (I2)

"Okay, okay. I only wanted to say that it's not impossible. I can see myself having some of those traits. Maybe not the devouring worlds part, but being independent and determined about my goals." (I)

"Good to know. Might cut down the time we need to merge. I was a bit worried how long it might take. Given all the things you still don't know. You'd totally freak out." (I2)

"Freak out!? Why would I freak out? Hey, tell me!" (I)

"Guess I should leave it at this. Too much time in this state is detrimental for the merging process. Bye!" (I2)

 

I can only stare aghast while the flesh mass of my clone shrinks down and pulls itself along the cable back into my body.

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"Hey! You can't leave me here like this!" (I)

 

No answer.
Supposedly, she's either completely dormant or ignores me.

 

"Iori! Quiet! This is no fun time!" (S)

 

I grumble and sit down on my now free bed.
After I spent some time reading the mangas I already know, and for some reason now perfectly memorized while binging them, Kuri enters.

 

"Grandma says it's okay now. You can come eating." (K)

"Don't let her hear you calling her that. Fine, I'm coming." (I)

 

I arrive for a meticulously presented dinner.

 

"Where is your..." (S)

"My other me left, or rather entered, some time ago. Saying it's bad for merging to stay like this for too long." (I)

"Oh, how unfortunate. I still had so much to discuss with her." (S)

 

She takes a plate away from the table.
I'm kinda glad I won't have to endure such a weird dinner.

 

"Uh, mum. Thanks for lifting my ban so soon." (I)

 

I'm well aware that a few hours in my room can barely be considered a punishment.
And that for abandoning a part of mine and causing worlds to get swallowed.
If anything this was more of an enforced therapy session to come to terms with myself.

 

"Iori, I won't say that I can support your decisions, but ultimately they're yours to make. Even now while I'm quite intensely personally involved I can't fully tell how you are feeling. So, I know that you're going through quite much, but you should still take the time to think about your actions. This was what this was about. And it really looked as if you desperately needed a talk about this too." (S)

"I know today was difficult and I want you to know that I'm truly sorry." (I)

"Sigh. As long you know that you did something wrong and won't repeat it. Aside from this, there are mitigating circumstances." (S)

"Of what kind?" (I)

"I was the one who asked you to tell me everything. So I can't punish you too hard for the things you're telling me." (S)

 

I guess she fears I might stop opening up to her.
After dinner, I spend the rest of the day leisurely.
However, before I get to sleep I instruct Kuri.

 

"Kuri, today I want to try one more time to sleep. So if I don't wake up in the morning, do whatever you can to wake me up." (I)

"Yes, mommy!" (K)

 

The flare of miasma around her reminds me of something.

 

"But nothing that might harm people!" (I)

 

I can't have her dropping a miasma bomb or something like this on the town in an attempt to wake me up.
But after that, I get ready to lie down and start to clear my thoughts.

Tonight I will finally try this sleep meditation.

 

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