Chapter 47: Chapter 46 – The First Step

Kali was also on her way after standing up, I landed on the ground and played with them for a bit.

When I arrived in this world, I was so touch-starved, because I had not hugged anyone in ages.

Thankfully, the tigers liked to show their affection through touch. At first, I used to avoid it like the plague, but slowly I also began to appreciate it and I even actively chase after them for more. To be fair, Their silky smooth dark fur also played a big part, you just couldn't help but want to rub your face in it.

"Everything went well, I presume?", I said while playing with the tigers and Kali.

"Yes, nothing happened, they were asleep the whole time."

That is what I heard, this was also the first time she talked this much, was it progress or?

"We will be going to Vance city tomorrow, are you looking forward to it?", I asked inquisitively.

She did not reply for a while, I also was not looking at her or rushing an answer out of here, I was just having fun and running around carefreely.

She sat down in the same tree she was sitting on before I arrived, she seemed to be rubbing her hands against each other in what appeared to be an unconscious way signaling nervousness.

"You have no idea how to move forward or what to do with your life?", I asked. If I were her that's what I'd be feeling, losing someone as close as a twin sibling. Someone who knows you inside and out a companion, a partner, and a confidant. All of their dreams and hopes must've been intertwined.

She looked in my direction, removed the hoodie that was covering her face, and said in a low voice, "Yes..." 

Her face and head were still filled with scars, but the scars were clearly less than before, they seemed as if they were slowly healing.

The previously bald patches on her head were also starting to grow hair. I did not know why she removed her hoodie, maybe she knew that monsters have different beauty standards thus she was not that self-conscious about it?

Hm... But I clearly talk to her and I do give off a human impression, maybe she was moving on?

Anyway, there was no use in guessing.

"It's only natural, you lost a close person and you must've had a lot of joint dreams and ideals. However, that is life filled with unpredictability sometimes it's good, other times it's... well." I said and then looked at her, "But do you really need an idea on how to move forward? Just go with the flow and see where it'd take you, if you happen to see something by the side and want to get off you can always do so. For now, just go with the moment, and the moment dictates that tomorrow we'll go to Vance city and I'd need someone to act as my 'human' would you be up for it?"

I told her how I viewed the situation, even though clearly it was not as easy as I made it out to be. I was grieving no one, so to me moving on was natural and exciting even. However, to her, it'd involve a lot of mixed emotions, maybe even survival guilt which would make her feel horrible for just thinking of moving on. Hopefully, what I said the other day about how she'd want her brother to live if he was the one who was still alive would work.

"Okay, thanks.", She said after thinking about it for a while, her tone also seemed a bit different I could not tell how but it was. My sense of hearing is sharp that I can pick up on small details such as those.

"Alright, let's go back to the camp. Get in!", I helped her to get on my back and signaled for the three rascals to follow me, and flew away.

As we got closer to the camp I made a low sound and the three stopped, I had no idea how can they easily understand what I meant.

But maybe if what we're doing currently is running and there is a strange thing ahead of us, any signal would mean stop, I should give their intelligence more credit.

I quickly put Cai Yi on the camp who was immediately received by Jia and went towards the watchtower.

I landed beside the Mama bird and just as I started to work on forming the mind link I remembered that I'd be testing the beast pouch and it'd be better if we were hidden. I made a low cry and entered inside using a wide window.

She got the message and followed me.

I easily formed the link this time, easy only compared to last time, but it still presented some difficulties.

"Oh hey... everything went well?", I said nervously, I had no idea how to approach this concept of having a mother again. The last time was not so great, the person you'd expect to be the light in your darkest moments was ironically the opposite.

My last experience was tainting this one as well which was not fair to either of us, but it was indeed too difficult to open up. Through years of painstaking effort, I had built walls around me to protect myself from the world. However, the price was equally steep loneliness, an intense feeling of isolation from the rest of the world, a feeling of being defective, and just an overall loss of magic and wonder. Every day was the same in terms of emotions just fear, anxiety, guilt, regret, and guilty pleasures.

"Yes these parts are only filled with weaker monsters so it was safe", she replied smiling.

"So, Mom do you have a name? I heard the humans have names.", I asked and I also added 'Mom' in hopes of letting go and getting closer maybe... but it felt so difficult to voice out.

"I do have a name, It's Ashe. Do you have one?", she said but this time she seemed to be smiling even more. We were having two conversations at the same time. One was with words and the other was between the lines.

She did have a name, I was not expecting it. Ashe hmm...

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"Ashe, great name. I chose Zed, how about my sister does she have one?", I remembered how the name Kali was something only I knew, I hope I could make it official I got used to her that way.

"Zed...? It's good that you picked it out for yourself. No, she does not, she'd pick one for herself once she comes of age. You can also pick one for her, there was this tradition I heard of elder siblings naming their younger ones.", She said after reminiscing about something.

"How about Kali", I said as if I just made it up.

"Kali... Kali huh I like it!"

Just as we were talking, the previously thick dark clouds over our heads got even darker. Large pillows of clouds were forming, then a thunderous sound resounded in the forest as if an enraged god woke up from its slumber.

I moved closer to the window, only to see an intense rainfall drumming over the camp. The women were scurrying to find shelter, but they seemed hesitant about going to the remaining huts, then Jia came over and guided them to the big wooden houses at the side of the camp. 

The rain was getting heavier by the second, so much rain was falling that it blurred into one long sound. Droplets began to drip from the leaves of the nearby trees, I contemplated whether I should go bring the kids back, but I dropped it. They'd be alright, their strong bodies and high stats are not just for show.

Only after making sure everything was alright was I able to finally appreciate the beauty of the rain, this was the first rainfall I had witnessed since coming into this world. To me it was not just rain or a beautiful natural phenomenon, it signified much more than that.

The world I was born in had not changed at all, this was the first time I was able to witness visible change. 

I was very nervous about going to Vance city tomorrow, after all, I got used to things here and I do feel a bit in control of my fate amidst these dark trees. However, life is never static and change is inevitable.

The heavy and sudden rainfall acted as a catalyst for all of the negative emotions and misgivings I had about my journey tomorrow to resurface, thus giving me the time to understand and overcome them.

There was no active justification on my part, no rationalization nor analysis of what I was feeling, but merely a simple act of observing everything without a word. 

Outwardly, the rain was forming shallow puddles all over the camp, a mysterious unpremeditated song by the trees, and the thunder god up above rejoicing!

Inwardly, there were a plethora of emotions happening at the same time, some of them related to my sense of loneliness, others to the big bird by my side, and the others my inner critic doubting my ability to survive amidst a city full of confident, strong and cunning humans.

I closed my eyes and let the sound of the rain wash it all away...

"This must be your first time seeing the rain, it is magical isn't it?", The Mama bird, or rather Ashe... I still need to get used to that. Came to my side and uttered in a gentle voice.

I opened my eyes, looked at her, and smiled, "Yes it is.", after a moment of silence I added, "Tomorrow I'll be taking the humans to their city and I will also stay there for a while, would you be interested in coming?"

After I said that I held my breath, after all, if she was not open to venturing out and taking risks I'd have to go just with the tigers.

Suddenly, I realized something I had not paid much attention to earlier. Rationally, I would not lose out that much if they did not want to come, I could still do a lot of things by myself and recruit others. However, I wanted to come for reasons unable to be quantified, emotions. 

Could my stone-cold broken and lonely heart be finally melting and letting people in? This was both wonderful and terrifying!

The confidence I gained due to my power, strength, and my success in almost every endeavor I set to do so far played a big part in that.

If you hate yourself there was no way you'd be able to have a genuine relationship with people, because you'd not feel confident in showing who you are to people. In turn, people would have fake or incompleted ideas of who you are, and even though they might like them deep inside you'd not feel any warmth whatsoever from their appreciation of 'you', because you know that who you are is still locked deep underneath all of your pre-conceived scripts and unconscious defense mechanisms.

However, if you are confident why wouldn't you be able to show your true self to people? Thus, when people care for you and express genuine positive feelings you can truly appreciate and sense the depth of their emotions.

"Yes, of course! You are my son if I don't protect you who will?", she said feeling puzzled for even asking such a question.

Seeing such an expression on her face and hearing her words, I felt very warm inside and even teared up a bit.

Although, I had not told her everything about myself I do not feel estranged from her at all. Because everything I said or did in front of her was very genuine and was a fundamental deep part of who I was. 

Two people do not need to know the past history of one another to have a genuine bond, just a desire to know the other person and a willingness to be vulnerable.

"Thanks...Mom", I was barely able to say that and closed my eyes to enjoy the sweet rainfall. But then I remembered something!

"Mom, I have something for you. You'll like it very much!", I said looking at her with bright eyes!

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