Chapter 16: 13

Three years ago 4

I stopped in front of the school gate and looked again at the world I lived in.
The school building consisted of a three-story structure. The school grounds stretched 200 meters all around. On top of that, there was a poorly lit rear courtyard, flower beds, a swimming pool, and a gymnasium. In any case, it was a small world. In that boxy place, I wanted to mock myself for worrying over such trivial things, always wondering how much I really existed. Now, I was desperate.
Ever since she saved me on the rooftop that day, I kept thinking about it. How I sat by her side, wondering how I could get her to smile at me the way she’d once smiled at the dead Ogata. At home, and the day after, and on my days off. What did Ogata have that I didn’t? What did Ogata have that I did? I couldn’t come up with a clear answer, but I made up my mind to never be in a situation where she had to save me again.

As I let my mind wander, I finally reached a conclusion. Ogata’s story. They said that the bullying against him had stopped by a month before his death. That must have been true, because the police would not have conducted such a half-hearted investigation. He was fighting. He was fighting for his life, just as I was now. And it was going well until halfway through. He was on the verge of regaining his freedom and pride.
I’d broken my oath to my friends. My once bright and clear memories were now muddled. So what was it to me whether they ignored me like I didn’t exist, talked about me behind my back, or made fun of me? I would never let anyone tarnish my pride and soul.
But today, I felt as if I had been let off the hook. When I arrived at school, I typically saw a lot of slurs and insults written on the blackboard, but my desk, notebooks, and textbooks were all clean.　
Classes passed by and break time arrived. A and B, who were supposed to be bothering me as usual, just joined their friends’ circle and chatted with them. Although I breathed a sigh of relief, I waited and waited with a trembling feeling inside, wondering whether it would be now or not.
The school lunch was just as usual. The PE jerseys I kept in my locker had not been tampered with either. No one was talking to me, so I felt a little lonely.

After school, I finally began to notice a change in the situation. The people who had been beating and trampling me every day finally didn’t give me a second glance.　
Wasn’t this a miracle? No one tried to humiliate me. No one tried to make me sad. There was no reason for it. The voices that rose up were in the corner, and I pursued them on my own.
A was in the middle of changing his shoes at the front entrance. No friends were in sight. He was tying his shoelaces somewhat grimly. It seemed to have something to do with me. They had been beating me up and tricking me every day up until now.
A suddenly looked up as if he had noticed my gaze. His eyes widened in surprise, and then his face turned bright red like an octopus scalded in boiling water. He looked as if he thought he had been shot. “You… shithead.”
He growled low, like a threatening dog. As if he had just suffered an unbearable humiliation, he closed his eyes tightly.
“Damn you…”

Sighing lightly, I looked off A’s back and told myself that it was a good thing anyway. If there had been a fight, there was no way I would have won, because I had no idea what I was doing.
Be careful – on one hand, I immediately chided myself.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, a smoldering fire told me that this might be their new favorite thing to do. They must’ve had the whole gang of ready to catch me off guard, and when I smiled, they’d pull a fast one on me.　
…But though I was skeptic, I didn’t really think they would take such a roundabout way. At least I doubted A’s capacity to be an actor. But today was far too dramatic for me to accept the situation easily.
What on earth was this all about? I ran down the corridor, wanting to find out why.

The gymnasium was already filled with heat. Balls were being passed back and forth among the members of the basketball and volleyball teams. The soles of my shoes were clacking. Walking along the edge of the room, I went up to the second-floor balcony where C was playing table tennis. As I reached the top of the stairs, I heard the lively sound of ping pong. C was right in front of me, swinging his racket.　
C’s reaction was even more blatant. When he saw me, he screamed like a girl and fell back, hitting his hip bone hard against the ping-pong table and kneeling on the floor. He looked terribly distraught.
“What the hell’s this?”
I approached. Every time I took a step closer, C tried to crawl away on the floor.
“Stop… Look, man, I’m sorry already.”

“Sorry? Sorry about what?”
“Stop it already! I knew it’d gone too far. That thing with Ogata, I knew it was all a terrible idea. So I was trying to get them to stop!”
C emphasized his presence even more. Occasionally, I paid attention to the other members of the club. They just watched their interactions in a daze, and no one tried to intervene. C’s eyes were moist. The C I knew was a bit of an actor. Suddenly his tone dropped and he spoke.
“I get it. I-I used to get beat up, too. So I get it, ok? Tied up with wire and left to fend for yourself. In my case, they left me alone until night. And in winter, too. Unbelievable, right? Tamura-kun doesn’t understand how tough it is to get knocked around like that. He wondered what it was like to be confined to a place like that. Se… Seoka, you were able to escape on your own, and that really relieved me. Because, Tamura-kun was going home just like that. I really can’t believe it. The only one with the rooftop key──”

I looked down at the creature that opened its mouth unceasingly, remembering in a corner of my mind that A’s name was Tamura. A sense of loathing rose in my head, preventing me from seeing the other as a human being.
His story was full of holes. On that day, when they surrounded me, C was the one who happily took out that wire.
“Tamura-kun had the key?”
It was C who was the first to suggest locking me up in the prison they called the rooftop. Not only that, it was C who was happy to write on the blackboard, “Die” and “Don’t come to school”.
Or scribbles in notebooks and textbooks. Sometimes it darkened my heart more than the violence of punching and kicking.
“You know, Seoka, you had a grudge against Shimazu and the rest of the baseball team, right? That’s why I felt I had to support them. And…”
“Give it a rest!”
My voice spilled out, surprising even myself. The sound of ping pong ball clanging around me suddenly ceased.
“Come with me.”
I grabbed C’s arm as he tried to get under the ping-pong table.
“I, I get it, okay?! I’ll pay! I will pay for them. I wasn’t there, but I know. They gashed up your shoes with a knife…”
“C’mon!”
I pulled his arm hard as if plucking a radish out of the soil. C buckled down, begging for forgiveness.
“I didn’t know. I didn’t know you were friends with those guys!”
“Those guys?”
“Something like that, you… you should’ve told us earlier. We wouldn’t have been so bad to you if we knew. Even I──”
“What… are you saying?”
“Everyone has been told! That’s why no one did anything to you today, right? Everyone knows it’d be insane to do that!”
“What the hell are you talking about?!”
I grabbed C by the chest and shook him.
“That… that Apocalypse. Isn’t that right?”
I thought, glaring at C’s face with as much of a grim expression as I could muster. Apocalypse – a word that meant the end of the world.

The original title of an old war movie had something like that. I remembered watching it on DVD with my father, who was a movie buff. But that wasn’t it, so he must have meant──
“You mean that Apocalypse? The gang.”

C’s lips were pursed. Rather than into a smile, he looked troubled. As my eyes darted around, the rabble quickly removed their gazes and resumed their practice.
“What… are you saying now…? You…” C sounded at a loss.
“What’s with Apocalypse? And what on earth does it have to do with me?”
C slumped down and glanced around. Of course, it was not something I liked to talk about either. I had heard the saga of this group of delinquents, even if I was just an ordinary boy.
“You had someone, a relative or something, right? I’m sure you did, didn’t you?”
“I’m the one who’s asking!”
I slammed my fist into C’s collarbone. What was I doing, hitting him? I wasn’t like them. A sour feeling was rising in my stomach. But I couldn’t stop.
“Okay… alright, okay? You’re, you’re hard as hell… It hurts…”
I noticed that C’s face had turned reddish-purple, and in a panic I let go of my grip on him. C put his hands on the floor. In that instant, I felt like screaming out loud.
“What did Apocalypse do to you?”
Something dripped from C’s face. My heart sunk even more, when I realized it was tears.
“…I don’t really know, either. It was the day after we put you on the roof. Apparently, Oba-kun and Shimazu were on their way home when they got stopped. By Munakata-kun and a bunch of other people.”
Oba was B. Munakata was an infamous delinquent with a bad reputation who didn’t even show up at school. Rumor had it that, despite his junior high school status, he was a core member of Apocalypse and even had high school students and older under him. So it would seem that he was even worshiped by people like A, who had a bit of a macho streak.
C continued in a damp voice. “H-He threatened them. That if we bullied you any more, then he’d… m-make us live in wheelchairs for the rest of our lives.” It was incomprehensible. “Seriously?”
“You should know that I’m serious!” As soon as he realized he’d raised his voice, a nervous, pandering smile split across his face.

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“Ah, no, but… we haven’t done any more to you, right? Tamura-kun didn’t touch you either, did he?”
“Why?”
“Eh?”
“Why would Apocalypse be protecting me?”
It was a genuine question. But C didn’t take it that way. He just looked at him as if he were looking at a monster.
“L… Like I know…”
I exhaled slowly. Not all of my questions were answered, but I understood why A looked at me with regret, why he and the others in the class were distant, and why C was so obviously put off by the situation.　

Had they always been this weak? I always had the impression they were big, scary guys. Even if I succeeded in fending off A and B, there would be no end to the others who’d laugh at me or pretend I didn’t exist. It was like felling a mighty beast. It’d never happen.
What about now? With a sense of emptiness, I went down the balcony stairs. There was nothing more to ask. A voice shouted at me from behind.

“Are you there? Uh, you know, maybe you could introduce him to me. The guy from Apocalypse. I want to apologize to him too. So, Seoka-kun…”
I shook off the voices and left the gymnasium. The nausea was rising up in me. What ‘Seoka-kun this and that’, you idiots? We weren’t playing Rich Man Poor Man. It wasn’t as if I had gone from the daihinmin to the daifugo in one turn. I detested him and his friends for the speed with which they changed, like it was a game.
My thoughts turned to Apocalypse. It wasn’t a subject matter I had ever pictured myself thinking about though.
Rumors about the group were filled with the kind of storytelling that would delight the worst of the worst. Among the rumors were that they all knew karate, they choked out a biker gang in Kasukabe, that a member of the rap group used to spin turntables at their hangout, and that no one could catch up with a car they were driving on a mountain pass in the Chichibu region of Japan.
Nor did I know much about Munakata, who was a student at the same school as me. He was neither tall nor strong, even though he was a member of a group known for its martial arts. He seemed to be an ordinary boy with brown hair and a well-defined face. I had no idea how frightening it would be to get a threat from him.　

The next thing I knew, I was back in my old classroom. No matter how much time spent thinking about it, there was no way of understanding the situation. At the doorway of the classroom, I tensed up. My bag and textbooks were still on the desk. The situation was ripe for mischief. But I smiled to myself. Could Apocalypse have taken down the person who had scribbled on my textbooks and notebooks, too?
Inside the empty classroom, Shimazu was sitting in my seat. I involuntarily looked at the clock on the wall. The baseball team must have already started practice by now. Yet Shimazu was still in his school uniform, and hadn’t even changed his clothes.
He seemed to be the only one who hadn’t changed in that way. His eyes hardened into hatred. When I recognized him, he slumped back in the chair as if to show off. His fingers fumbled with the bag on the desk.
Wordlessly, I approached the bag and reached out to grab it.
“You’re one hard motherfucker, huh? Life must be easy with a backer.”
He shook his head, refusing to let go.
Shimazu rose to his feet, taking his knife and opening the silver blade. His hand gripping the handle was trembling.
“You know how pissed I was? All of a sudden, he yanked me into his car and told me he’d kill me if I got more involved with you.”
All I could do was stare at the blade glinting in the evening sun and remain silent. No matter how much I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with me, they would not understand.
“What are you trying to do?”
“I’m gonna fucking kill you! Getting involved with Apocalypse… what the hell is wrong with you!”
Shimazu barked, his face turning red. He lowered his head to face me, holding his knife horizontally. There was no doubt in my mind that he was serious, but I just stood there.

“Don’t do this.”
“What are you talking about, like you’re high and mighty? You think you’re in a position to give orders?”
I shook my head.
“Let’s just stop this, already.”
“Shut your mouth! Like I give a damn about Apocalypse!”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
Shimazu’s chest rose and fell wildly. He looked as if he was about to jump on me at any moment.
“I don’t give a damn about Apocalypse either.”
“What the fuck did you say?” The tip of the blade came close to my lower belly.

“No one will be able to go compete. Everything you guys have been doing will be wasted.”
“Shut up!”
Shimazu shouted in a very loud voice.
“Shut up! Shut up!”
“I don’t want to cause everything to go to waste, and I don’t want to see something like that either.”
“What the hell do you know?!”
Shimazu’s left hand reached for my chin. He grabbed me by the throat, and my breath hitched. The coldness of the blade pressed against my stomach. Tears spilled from Shimazu’s red eyes.
“Damn it…”
The knife he was holding hung slack. With a frustrated frown on his face, Shimazu pushed me away. “Damn it.”

As the back of my thigh hit the desk, I remembered the days when I was competing with him for the roster. It was Shimazu who played right field in the rookie tournament last fall. Because of his surprisingly fast legs, he was always moving back and forth between the center position. Shimazu’s batting pace was already good provided he was able to hit a ball out of the park.
Most of the time, an infield single would be thrown out. When he got on base, all of us on the bench watched him with bated breath. Stealing bases was his signature move, and he was always looking to shake up the opposing team. Shimazu, running in all directions, was as shrewd and cool as a phantom thief in a period drama.　
Shimazu was also an excellent long-distance runner. I remember when I had just joined the club and I was still just a thin, lowly man with no strength. When we were forced to run on the field for practice, he always tapped me on the shoulder and passed me with great enthusiasm. Running felt so good. I always envied him, wondering if one day I would be able to be like him, even though I felt annoyed inside when I saw that kind of expression on his face.
Shimazu’s voice was loud. Whether he was cheering or practicing. He was good at telling me to “pipe up more,” which made me even more fed up with the game. However, when I played in a rookie game, I tunneled on a ball that rolled into the outfield, even though I was guarding the outfield. It was such a dumb error that I felt like digging a hole and throwing myself in it.
“No prob, no prob!”
I don’t know how he really felt about it, but Shimazu’s extraordinarily loud voice was a great relief to me.

Shimazu looked up at me with sullen eyes.
“Why did you quit? If it were you, you would have been picked instead of him.”
I knew who he was referring to. It was Iwama, a year younger than us. He was a big guy, about 180 centimeters tall. Not that he had a particularly good defense or shoulder, but the long hits he produced with his bat were comparable to those of Ishibashi, the captain of the team.
A rookie from the Little League, he had come on the scene with a bang. The manager’s strategy was to place him in right field, where his defensive skills were relatively less demanding, since he seemed to have been acquired only for his offensive ability.
One day, he was going to take my position. Although we never said it out loud, neither Shimazu nor I were at ease inside. Both of us had strong self-esteem. How could we be ousted by some junior player from a roster spot? It was a familiar scene that could be seen at any school, in any department. But I would have rather died than fall into such a situation. That was one of the few things Shimazu and I had in common.
“It would have been better if it had been you. I could have put up with you.”
Shimazu fell to his knees on the floor and nodded.　

May has already come to an end. The last competitions are around the corner. It is also the time when we can see firsthand who will be regulars and who will not be, even before the announcement is made.
“You idiot… you only…”
I had finally finished my three years of adolescence half-heartedly, without trying to accomplish anything. Shimazu, on the other hand, probably ended his three years with more defeat and humiliation than a sense of accomplishment. We were similar. But there were no words for me to say to him.
Leaving Shimazu sobbing, I left the classroom. I walked out of the classroom as fast as I could. Turning my eyes to the ceiling, I somehow managed to hold back the tears that were threatening to overflow.

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