Chapter 632: 623 I was tired

Chapter 623 I was tired　　Sumire rolled her eyes. Why are all the men around her so stubborn? In the end, she persuaded Soujiro to at least rest his head on her lap as she wiped his forehead with a towel. The servants prepared for it quickly, almost like they already knew. Her sweatdropped; anybody who works for this stubborn guy must have a hard time.

"I have repeatedly told you. There is a reason why you have subordinates. At least allow them to share half the workload."

"Indeed, perhaps I have overdone it this time. I seldom get sick."

"I had a fever not too long ago, and so did Yuhi. So I have no right to lecture you. However, I wish you would be more mindful of your health. You are an important person."

Even though times have changed, families like Soujiro's that carry on the bloodline of traditional nobles are still important in today's society. 

"How is your relationship? Is he still treating you well?"

Sumire blinked, startled at his question for a moment before she nodded. "Yes, he is very good to me, almost too good actually."

"Of course, he should do that much. If not, then I would personally have to put him in his place."

When she saw the fire that burned in his eyes, her sweat fell. She almost forgets how scary Soujiro can be since he is normally so calm and composed.

"You do not have to worry about our relationship. Yuhi has never done anything to harm me emotionally or even physically despite my odd behavior. No, every single time he holds me, he is so careful. It is like he is holding a piece of glass that would break."

Since Christmas, he has been more passionate and does different things- different. Sumire felt her cheeks heat up. That hooligan, what is he doing to her? Isn't he corrupting her mind too much?

"I am relieved, truly. I do not understand much about you, Sumire. Even though I know many things about you, having knowledge is not enough. I have failed to understand despite having the information. I have always known how lonely you were as a child, but I could never do anything for you. I did not know how to help ease your loneliness. I could never imagine that you were in so much pain mentally that you tried to take your own life."

At those words, her eyes widened, and she felt her body tremble. It seems Soujiro has already heard of it. One of the conditions he set for her was when he gave her the information he collected on the Nagawa family. 'Please tell me everything that happened to you.'

She entrusted that information with Atsuro, and Atsuro must have decided that discussing her suicide attempts was important.

Her thoughts broke off when he extended his hand out and caressed her cheek.

"You do not have to feel guilty for not telling me. At the time, I was indeed your fiance. But I was no different than a stranger."

Arranged marriages were not common during this time. But it still happens amongst traditional families and the newly rich who wish to make connections. Despite having that knowledge, she once entertained the idea that she could fall in love with him.

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Perhaps Yuhi-san knew this, and that is why he is so hostile toward Soujiro?

"You don't think I am strange? I thought you would judge me if you found out."

Most people would judge her. After all, she had a roof over her head, good food, and money. She belonged to a wealthy family. So people assumed that there was nothing she lacked. She was given everything even without having to work for it. But for her, that wasn't what she wanted. She was only young, and yet she understood that none of those things made her happy.

When she finally found something she liked, the people around her expressed their disgust. 'You will not have a future doing that.' 

Even though she attempted suicide several times, it always frightened her how others would react to it. That was why she always went away; she wanted to die in a place where there was less chance of being discovered. She wanted to rot away alone.

When she returned alive after her failed attempts, the person she wanted to hide this from the most was Soujiro. She did not want to hear him say that he was disappointed in her.

She no longer wanted to hear those words from somebody important to her ever again.

"I have no right to judge or condemn you, and even if I did, nobody should. Nobody should have the right to judge you for your actions. Even though this is not a topic, I am well versed in. But this is you. You would not take action unless you feel it is the right thing to do."

"Even if that action is taking my own life?"

"Yes. I do not believe in God. I believe we have the right to decide our own deaths. Even if it was due to your loneliness and pain in your case, you still have the right to decide."

"Truthfully, Soujiro, I was not in the right state of mind then. I could not tell right from wrong. All I knew was that I was tired of being in pain every day. I was tired of living in a world where I had to be careful of my actions. I had to watch my words just in case I offended anybody. I was tired of pleasing other people and getting their attention. I was tired of fighting to be loved only to be treated even worse than dirt."

She was tired of all of it and wanted it all to go away. She missed Yuhi so much, but she knew she could never tell him she loved him. 'I do not deserve him. I cannot destroy his future.'

"I see. Although I do not understand it, I once had similar thoughts about being tired."

Sumire already understood even if he did not say anything. Despite his behavior, Soujiro must have experienced a lot of hardships too. Maybe that was the reason why he started to visit her after their engagement banquet personally. At first, he only met up with her when their parents arranged it. But as time went by, Soujiro gradually visited her of his own accord.

Her thoughts broke off when she heard a knock on the door. Soujiro got off her lap.

It was one of Soujiro's guards. "Pardon me, sir, but you have a meeting this afternoon."

Sumire immediately understood the meaning behind those words and stood up. "Then Soujiro, I shall be on your way. I will see you on the day of the ball." 

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