Chapter 31: Bonus Quest: [Cannoli in Wonderland]

Cannoli lounged on her picnic blanket amongst the forest of grass, sketching the portrait of a palm civet that had emerged to see what she was doing.

“You look so cute!” Cannoli gently stroked the top of its head. “Just a little more.”

The civet blinked and cocked its head. Cannoli’s ears twitched in the same direction as the sound of rustling grass pulled her attention. A petite form bounded from between the stalks and looked around before it was consumed by a wide yawn. The palm civet trembled in fear before bolting back to its burrow.

Cannoli scrambled to her knees and squeaked in surprise before leaning closer to inspect the newcomer: tall white ears and adorned snow-white hair. Russet skin and brilliant blue eyes glanced up at Cannoli, then back down at the dirt. A fluffy white tail poked out from beneath a red waistcoat and slim-fitting pants.

“Phaedra?” Cannoli squinted her eyes. This creature was a fraction of the catgirl’s size, but there was no mistaking her face. “Why do you look like a bunny?”

Phaedra cocked her head. “I’ve always looked like this, enormous girl.”

Cannoli gently stroked Phaedra’s ears. “They’re so soft!”

“Hey! I didn’t grab your tail without permission!” Phaedra leapt backward, pushing her ears forward and glaring at Cannoli. “Oh. Right. Have you seen a pocket watch anywhere around here?”

“A...a what?” Cannoli glanced at her journal, then back at Phaedra.

“A pocket watch!” Phaedra skipped forward and snatched Cannoli’s pencil from her hand. “Here, look. Oh, that’s a very nice drawing. It looks just like a palm civet.”

“T-thank you.”

“Anyway.” Phaedra sketched with furious speed, covering the page beside the civet with a detailed depiction of a circular device sporting twelve numerals and two hands.

“Oh! Like a clock?” Cannoli asked.

“Yes. A clock for your pocket.” Phaedra nodded with a wide grin. “I seem to have misplaced mine.”

“No, I’m sorry. Um. Do you need my help looking for it?”

Phaedra sighed. “No. I suppose this one will do. I’m going to be late.” She slid her fingers across the page, and they disappeared beneath her drawing. Cannoli’s eyes widened as Phaedra tugged upward, bringing the sketch away from the journal. It shifted from flat to round in Phaedra’s tiny palm and began to tick.

“H-how! How did you do that?” Cannoli squealed.

Phaedra shrugged. “Can’t you?” She pocketed the watch in her waistcoat and turned back to the grass. “I have spent too much time on this errand. Nice meeting you!” Without another word, she bounded through the stalks and disappeared.

“W-wait! Hang on!” Cannoli clambered to her feet and jogged after Phaedra. “Wait!”

“Keep drawing! You’re really very good!” a disjointed voice called from ahead.

“Wait!” Cannoli sprinted forward, pawing through the grass and searching the ground for Phaedra. The burrows around her were growing wider and deeper the farther in she went, and it escaped her notice until it was too late.

Without warning, Cannoli found herself in free fall. “Ahhh!”

Cannoli’s stomach jolted to her throat as she tumbled down the burrow, the warm sunlight disappearing overhead and giving way to a dimly lit, murky darkness. However, the speed of her fall began to decrease, and the light in the tunnel increased. All around her were the most curious objects—teacups, playing cards, cookies, and palm civets climbing up and down the walls. As her fear turned to curiosity, the palm civets simultaneously turned in her direction and began to sing:

“Cannoli, Cannoli, come and play!
Cannoli, Cannoli we have all day!
Cannoli, Cannoli do you like croquet?
Cannoli, Cannoli is here to stay!”

At first, Cannoli found it adorable. But as the singing continued, growing louder as she descended farther, it gave her an uneasy feeling—like she’d rubbed velvet the wrong way. It felt weird.

After a very long time, Cannoli landed on a floor with black and white checkered tiles. Her dress billowed out before her, and she quickly realized it wasn’t the one she’d been wearing only moments before. Lacy accents and bright blue bows, with strips of fabric that matched the checkered floor. White tights and black strapped sandals completed the ensemble, and she smoothed the fabric of the skirt over her thighs.

“Where am I?” she murmured, slowly rising to her feet and taking in her surroundings.

Doors of all shapes, sizes, and materials lined the walls. Enormous stone gateways with iron handles, delicate wooden passages covered in vines and locked by golden bolts, and short doors that barely came up to Cannoli’s calf with locks the size of her thumb.

“Maybe one of these lets me out?”

She tried the stone door but found it far too heavy for her to push. The wooden passage’s lock remained stalwart to her clumsy fingers, and the small doors could barely fit her arm up to the shoulder. When she turned back to the center of the room, a glass table had materialized seemingly from nothing.

“Was this here when I arrived?” Cannoli wondered. The heels of her shoes clicked against the tiles as she approached. Three peculiar objects lined the table’s edge: a cake with pink icing that spelled out “Eat Me,” a bottle with a declaring “Drink Me,” and a golden key the length of her pointer finger.

Cannoli tugged at a thick tendril of her hair, braiding it while she considered her options. “Am I supposed to take one first? Take them together? This makes no sense.” And what was the key for? It was far too small to fit the bigger doors, maybe the shorter ones? But I can’t fit through the small one! she thought, chewing her lower lip. “Mmm. What would Keke do?” She tapped one toe, then picked up the key. “She would try the doors first, I think.”

Sure enough, the key only fit into one lock—the smallest door of them all. She knelt down and opened the door, peering through the gap into the world that lay beyond. A lake? A clear blue lake stretched beyond where her eyes could see, lapping against green shores with lush trees and bright flowers.

Phaedra—somehow smaller—appeared from the side, inches from Cannoli’s face. “Drink the bottle, girl!”

Cannoli squeaked and fell backward. “But— But I—!”

“We don’t have time for this. Drink it or live eternally in the door room, your choice.” Phaedra gave her the barest of nods and checked her pocket watch. “I’m off. Good day!”

“Phaedra! Wait!” But it was no use; Phaedra’s outline was already far in the distance, and Cannoli couldn’t fit through the door. She groaned in frustration and shuffled back to the table. “Well, I suppose I don’t have much of a choice.”

Cannoli uncorked the bottle and tossed the small amount of liquid back. It tasted of nineapple juice and honey. Carefully setting the bottle back on the table, she stepped back and waited.

Just as she began to question Phaedra’s wisdom, her fingers and toes tingled with a pleasant warmth. The sensation crept up her arms and legs, traveling until meeting at her heart. She shivered and giggled. “Well, that feels nice— ah!” Her limbs shrank to half their size, then her torso and head. The glass table towered over her, and the once tiny door looked quite large. “At least my dress shrank with me,” she mused, looking herself over. Everything seemed to be in place, so she dared travel through the door.

The land beyond held the same fresh scents of green trees and cool water as Ni Island, but unfamiliar floral scents and foreign cries of wildlife called from thick branches. As she made her way to the forest, strange shadows moved beneath the lake. Remembering the Defiled in Nyarela’s oceans, she gave the water a wide berth and chose to move deeper between the trees.

As soon as Cannoli passed the edge of the trees, the world returned to the same whimsical nature of the burrow and the door room. Mushrooms as tall as trees sprouted between taller flowers and shorter trees. All species of plant life commingled inches from one another, dancing and swaying as if caressed by a soft breeze. But there was no breeze.

“Hello, dear. Are you lossst?” a voice asked from beside Cannoli’s foot.

Cannoli jumped to the side with a gasp and looked down. A pure white serpent with bright blue eyes almost as long as she was tall hovered near her hip, staring up at her expectantly.

“S-s-snake!” Cannoli squealed. “Please don’t eat me!”

“No, sssilly. I’m a Civil Ssserpent. And you don’t sssmell like food.” The snake wobbled her head from side to side. “Where are you trying to go?”

Cannoli clasped her hands over her heart and took a deep breath. “Well, you see, I-I don’t know. I don’t know where I am, really.”

The Civil Serpent nodded. “I sssee. You’re in Wonderland, sssweeeet. I will take you to sssomeone who can help.”

“That’s very kind of you, thank you!” Cannoli curtsied and patted the snake’s head. “You’re very nice.”

To Cannoli’s surprise, the serpent’s face pinked. “Why, thank you.”

They weaved through the trees, flowers, and mushrooms. The serpent never went farther than Cannoli could see her—her striking white scales against the darker foliage certainly helped. They passed boulders shaped like stars and hearts, sprouts that looked like candy, and insects that made sweet melodies as they flew by.

The serpent stopped at the end of a narrow, expansive table draped with a white tablecloth. It was cluttered with tea accessories from edge to edge. Saucers, cups, cakes, cookies, sugar, milk, teapots, napkins, and stacks of pastries. Two young men faced each other on either side, each holding a teacup and staring at one another in uncomfortable silence.

“Let them guide you,” the serpent said. “Jussst… be patient.”

Cannoli nodded, and the serpent slithered away. She stepped closer to the table before calling out, “Matt? Cailu?”

Both men looked up from their staring contests, resting their eyes on Cannoli.

Cailu leapt to his feet. His moth-eaten coat billowed around him, accenting striped pants. “Ah! My lady! Your presence is most welcome at our sumptuous affair!” He bowed deeply and gestured to the chaotic tea party.

“Shut up, Cailu. You’ll scare her away.” Matt tipped his tall, lopsided hat. His mustard-yellow jacket was unlike anything Cannoli had ever seen him wear. “You seem to know us, but we don’t know you?”

“O-of course you do!” Cannoli leaned her hands on the table in earnest, lying one over her chest. “I’m Cannoli! And you’re Matt!”

Matt flashed a smile that was just as lopsided as his hat. “I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then.”

Cailu cackled, snatched one of the teacups from the table, and hurled it at Matt. “You won’t take this girl! Not this time!”

Matt effortlessly dodged the projectile with a roll of his eyes. The teacup shattered in the grass behind him, and he sighed. “I haven’t taken any girls, you goddamn knife-ear.”

Cannoli rocked back from the balls of her feet. If Matt didn’t remember her, would anyone? Was she stuck here in Wonderland forever? Was this like what happened to Matt when he came to Nyarlea? Fear bloomed in her chest, and tears welled in her eyes.

“Oh! Don’t cry.” Matt stood up from the table and moved to Cannoli’s side. “You can’t be sad! It’s your unbirthday!”

Cannoli wiped her cheeks and sniffled. “What?”

“Your unbirthday!” Cailu echoed. “Of course! Here, look!” He lifted a giant plate from the table that contained a wobbling, multi-tiered cake topped with lit candles.

Was that there just a moment ago? “What’s an ‘unbirthday’?” 

“Well, it isn’t your birthday, right?” Matt asked.

“Erm, no. It’s not.”

“Then it’s your unbirthday!” Cailu and Matt said in unison.

The top of the teapot closest to Cannoli popped free, and a miniature version of Saphira climbed out. She let her arms dangle over the edge and looked sleepily at Cannoli. “Did I hear,” Saphira yawned, “that it was someone’s unbirthday?”

“Indeed you did!” Cailu leaned forward and whispered, “Saphira only wakes on special days. See! You are quite special indeed.”

“I… I just want to go home,” Cannoli whispered. “I want my Matt, and my world. Please.”

Saphira’s head lulled to the side, and she yawned again. “Then you need to see the Red Queen.”

“Who?” Cannoli bent her knees to bring her ear to Saphira’s minuscule mouth.

“The Red Queen. They can take you.” Saphira stretched, then descended back into her teapot. “It’s their job to protect you, anyway.”

Cannoli blinked, then looked up at Cailu and Matt.

Matt glanced at Cailu. “Were we really—”

“—Meant to protect them?” Cailu finished for him.

Cannoli’s lower lip jutted forward in a pout, and she marched around the table. “The two of you can take your time figuring this out. I’m going to find the Red Queen.”

“N-no! My lady, we will accompany you on your journey!” Cailu followed after her, swinging his arm high in the air toward the back of Matt’s head.

Matt ducked, his hat tumbling forward into his hands. “Wait for me!”

“What about Saphira?” Cannoli glanced back at the abandoned teapot and the candles still burning on the cake.

“She will nap until we return.” Cailu waved an unconcerned hand.

“If you say so.” Cannoli took another step, feeling increasingly uncomfortable with leaving the tiny Saphira by herself. “Oh, what’s the harm?” With quick steps, she returned to the teapot and popped the lid. But instead of Saphira inside the body of the pot, Cannoli was met with the sight of her beloved blazard. “Buttons!”

Buttons looked up, and his eyes bulged from his head. He leapt from the pot to her hand, scrambling to his favorite spot on Cannoli’s shoulder and snuggling against her throat.

“Well, I’m certainly glad someone remembers me,” Cannoli giggled, scritching Button’s head.

“To the Red Queen, then?” Cailu called.

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Cannoli and Buttons looked at him in sync, similar wide-eyed expressions of surprise on their faces. “Oh! Yes! Let’s go!”

They traveled deeper into the forest, passing more towering mushrooms and blooms the size of houses. Buttons caught a fluttering pink insect on his tongue and munched happily away at Cannoli’s ear while Cailu struck down every branch and vine with his sword. Matt shifted his hat and picked through his pockets, seemingly distracted for the majority of their journey.

“You lot are a sight for sore eyes,” a voice enveloped them from everywhere and nowhere at all.

They came to a halt, and Cailu shielded Cannoli with one arm.

“Ten minutes ago, you didn’t know you should protect her,” Matt said wryly. His gaze drifted, and he laid a finger on his chin. “Or was that an hour ago? A day? What is time?”

Buttons growled as a new figure emerged in the high branches of a nyapple tree. A woman with purple hair and cat ears stared down at them with a menacing grin. Her striped, bushy tail swayed back and forth like the pendulum of a clock.

“Espada?” Cannoli shaded her eyes and looked up. “Why do you have purple hair?”

Espada’s smile faltered for only a moment. She cleared her throat. “Where do you need to go?”

“I want to go home,” Cannoli called.

“Ah, that’s where you want to go. I asked where you need to go, little girl.” Espada vanished, then reappeared before them.

“You don’t have to give her such a hard time,” Matt grumbled.

“Back, fiend!” Cailu pointed the tip of his sword at Espada. “I shall dispatch of you post-haste!”

Espada looked at the sword, then at Cailu. With one bare hand, she grasped the blade and wrenched it upward, bending the steel in half without so much as a grunt.

“W-wretch!” Cailu paled and stammered, dropping the sword before cowering in fear. “What fearsome powers!”

“Oh, can it, dickhead.” Espada turned back to Cannoli. “Where do you need to go?”

“U-um,” Cannoli stammered. If she could do that to a sword, what could she do to her neck? “I-I—”

“She needs to see the Red Queen,” Matt finished for her.

“There, was that so damn hard?” Espada rested one hand on her hip. “You’re going the wrong way. You need to follow the yellow brick road.”

“The what?” Cannoli looked around, seeing no such thing.

“That’s the wrong story!” Matt cried, his palm meeting his forehead.

“This ain’t your dream, jackass.” Espada looked back at Cannoli and pointed to her right. “Look. Over there. The road.”

Cannoli followed her finger and squealed in surprise. “W-when did that get there?” How could they have missed a shimmering pathway made of solid gold bricks?

“It’s always been there,” Espada replied.

“Yeah, everyone knows that,” Matt added. “Wait, where were we going?”

Cannoli and Buttons puffed out their cheeks in frustration. Her hands balled at her sides, and she walked, stiff-legged toward the golden road. “Well, thank you, Espada.”

“Don’t mention it,” Espada laughed, then vanished.

Cailu whimpered over his sword while Matt offered occasional consolations. But it seemed that Matt was mostly caught in his own head and the only companion that Cannoli had the full attention of was Buttons.

They trekked on, Cannoli whispering to Buttons and looking for anything that would lead them to the Red Queen. They walked until Cannoli’s feet hurt, and sweat trickled down her spine. At last, they stepped through the edge of the forest onto the end of a gargantuan drawbridge. Cannoli stared up in awe at the resplendent castle bedecked with stained glass windows and gold trimming. Heart motifs were repeated throughout the building—in the railings of the balconies, in the windows, and in the stone itself.

“Do you think this is the Red Queen’s castle?”  Cailu wondered aloud.

Cannoli, Buttons, and Matt turned to stare at him in disbelief, but the elf didn’t seem to notice.

“Well, the drawbridge is down. Let’s go inside,” Cannoli suggested, ignoring Cailu’s comment.

Buttons nodded, and the others fell into step behind her. Tall, uniformed persons flanked the castle gates, but no one made a move to stop her. Their shining armor was marked with different numbers and various card suits—hearts, clubs, spades, and diamonds. Their helmets were strangely shaped; some rectangular, others round. Cannoli had never seen anything like it.

They crossed the threshold and found themselves in an expansive courtyard. Topiary in geometric and animalistic shapes lined the pathway and led into the castle itself. But the greatest point of interest seemed to be off to the left corner. A group of catgirls in billowing dresses decked in lace and delicate embroidery huddled in a large circle around… something. There was a moment of silence, then an eruption of applause and good cheer, then a return to silence.

“Um, excuse me,” Cannoli called when the catgirls quieted.

“Hmm?” The catgirl nearest her turned her head, and her eyebrows disappeared beneath her bangs. “Wait. Men?”

“Men? Where?”

“Men!”

The circle disintegrated, reforming into a half-circle around Cannoli, Cailu, and Matt, revealing their previous point of interest.

“Eh? Nani?” Ravyn barked. “Where are all of you going?”

“Apologies, my queen!”

“Your Majesty! Men!”

“There are men in the castle!”

“Silence!” Ravyn shoved them aside, confronting Cannoli, Matt, and Cailu with a furrowed brow and a frown. She tossed her thick skirts to the ground, her immense chest heaving with frustration. Ball Gag perched on her shoulder, staring daggers into Cannoli. Her eyes drifted between Cailu and Matt, but her frown deepened when her gaze landed on Cannoli. “Cailu and Matt Hatter I exiled a long time ago. Who the hell are you?”

“C-Cannoli, your majesty,” Cannoli curtsied. “I’m just trying to go home.”

“Oh? Is Wonderland not good enough for you?” Ravyn grabbed Cannoli’s chin and leaned in, only inches from her face. “Or are you trying to escape?”

“W-what do you mean?” Cannoli whispered.

Ravyn grinned. “Did you kill one of my residents? Or perhaps steal one of my tarts?” She wiggled Cannoli’s chin between her fingers. “Are you trying to escape?”

“N-no! I would never!” Cannoli pleaded. “I just… I don’t know how I got here… Please!”

“Your Majesty, I believe she’s telling the truth.” Keke appeared behind Ravyn, offering a deep bow. Her usual [Combat Mode] attire was replaced by red denim shorts that cut high on the thighs with white fur trim and a matching top that accented her bust and curved above the midriff. 

“Ah, my Knave of Hearts.” Ravyn released Cannoli’s chin and clicked her tongue. “Why, weren’t you supposed to carve her heart out in the forest or something?”

“Also the wrong story!” Matt cried from behind the wall of catgirls.

“Kuso. Whatever. Why do you say that you believe her?” Ravyn asked.

Keke shook her head, still bent halfway forward at the waist. “I have never seen her before, Your Majesty. I believe she is truly not of this world.”

“Hrmph. Do you like to play croquet, girl?” Ravyn snagged Ball Gag’s legs and whipped him from her shoulder. 

“Squaawk! Fuck! Not again! Squaawk!”

Ravyn swung him in a giant arc with both hands as if aiming for something on the ground. “We could make a game of your freedom, kehehehe.”

Keke slowly stood and took carefully measured strides toward Cannoli. When they stood side by side, Keke whispered, “Run when I say so.”

Cannoli’s eyes widened. “I—” She masked her surprise with a short cough. “I don’t know how to play croquet.”

“Nani? Don’t know how to play croquet?” Ravyn’s face darkened, and she screamed, “Off with her head!”

“Run!” Keke cried.

“Bitch! Traitor! Off with both their heads!” Ravyn shrieked.

“We must protect them!” Cailu howled and raised his arms wide in a futile attempt to block the wave of catgirls.

“With what?” Matt shouted, holding his hat close to his head.

Keke gripped Cannoli’s arm and took off through the courtyard before gunning for the inside of the castle. Their feet clambered against expensive tiles, then lush carpets. Buttons whined in Cannoli’s ear.

“Get them! Off with their heads!” Ravyn’s voice soared over the others and flew through the halls.

“This way!” Keke turned on her heel down another hallway, leading Cannoli past sharp corners and through exquisite doorways. “Almost there.”

“W-where are we going?” Cannoli panted. She’d spent the whole day running and walking. She so badly wanted to go home, back with her friends. With a cup of tea and the sound of the ocean.

“Just keep going!”

The sound of pounding feet behind them matched the pounding of Cannoli’s heart. She forced herself to continue running, fearing Ravyn’s threats more with every inch of her approach.

Keke dove into another hallway before drifting into a room off the beaten path. “Here! It’s here!” They burst through the half-open door into a bedroom that looked like it hadn’t been used in decades. Thick layers of dust and grime painted every surface of well-loved furniture, and cobwebs compromised every open space. 

Keke ripped a heavy sheet from a huge circular form, revealing a full-length mirror with delicate etchings on its frame.

“Jump in here. Now!” Keke demanded.

Cannoli looked at Keke, then the mirror, then back at Keke. “But, how do I…? What is…?”

“She went this way!” Cailu announced.

And you’re supposed to protect me? Cannoli shivered.

“Just go!” Keke cried.

Cannoli looked into the reflective glass, held her breath, then dove forward.

---

“Cannoli? Hey, Cannoli!”

Cannoli gasped, her eyes fluttering open.

Matt grasped her hands in his, worry painting his face. A slight smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “You were thrashing like crazy. Did you have a nightmare?”

Cannoli’s gaze flickered from his torso to the sheets. She squirmed forward and embraced Matt, pressing her skin against his. He smelled sweet and felt so warm. Home. She was home. “I missed you,” she squeaked.

Matt returned the embrace, laughing beneath his breath. “I’m right here. It’s okay.”

Cannoli was certain she caught the outline of a sleek white serpent in the corner of her eye. She blinked it away and took a deep breath.

She was home.