Chapter 94: Chapter 83: Haunted by Gold

By the time I came to, it was dawn. I couldn’t recall falling asleep or waking up. I wasn’t sure where the time had gone ever since Jazz had dropped the news on what became of Marianne’s group. It was a bewildering feeling—like someone just plucked a period of time out of my memory. No matter how I struggled to recall the events of her tactful announcement, I just couldn’t put the pieces together.

I guess I should go downstairs and see what’s going on.

Just as I opened the door, a figure with long hair and golden eyes stared back at me, her hand poised to knock.

“Keke?” I whispered.

Keke blinked, then bowed her head. Her ears drooped with the bend of her neck. “I understand if you’re not in the mood. But I wanted to see if we could talk for a bit. We’ve… had a lot to talk about lately, and it doesn’t seem like we’ve gotten much time together either.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond. I wasn’t sure if she meant she wanted to talk about our lack of time together predominantly or if she was worried about how the recent events were affecting me. Did she know that the rock she threw was what did it? Regardless, to say that I wasn’t in the mood to talk would be putting it lightly.

“Sure. Come in,” I said anyway, stepping to one side so she could pass.

“Thanks.”

I shut the door and steeled myself for a rough conversation. “If this is about what happened to Marianne and her group, it’s okay. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Keke turned around and approached me, tipping her chin to me in the eye. I avoided meeting her gaze. “Oh, Saoirse,” Keke said, putting a hand to my cheek, “have you even slept? Your eyes look dreadful.”

I shrugged. “Not sure. I don’t remember sleeping, so it’s anyone’s guess.” The manner I said it in felt automated. Like a damn pre-recorded message on the other end of the line. At least to me. I hated myself for the way I was acting. Felt like I was acting like a petulant child who wanted help, but the only way they knew how to garner attention was by acting like a sad puppy who needed their master’s care. It was a weird sensation that left me wanting the help and love of another, but I was too proud and upset to admit it.

Keke reached for my hand. I tried to jerk it away, but she was faster. She had it in a firm grip. I didn’t fight back once she had a hold of it. She took it into both of her hands and held it against her chest. “Remember that I’m here for you. We all are. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Then talk to me,” Keke pleaded, shaking her head. She paused, her lips and eyes moving, but not a word coming out. “It may be difficult to believe, but I… have an idea what you’re going through.”

I sighed. “Look, I just need some sleep. Clear my head is all. Tonight will be a better night, I’m sure.”

“Matt, if you need time—”

“We don’t have time.” I furrowed my brow. “The Defiled threat is growing bigger every day. We came here to make a trade, so we’re going to trade. Jazz’s opinions on us aside, she’s made it this far, so I doubt she’s going turn tail and leave with the catgirls she brought here.” I tried to meet her in the eye, but it just got harder and harder to commit each time I tried. “We can always talk later. We have a job to do, right?”

“Matt, I’m sorry,” Keke suddenly said. “I shouldn’t have done it. I’m so sorry. They were there, we saw them. We knew what was going to happen if we didn’t intervene. I was so sure I was doing the right thing—”

“Stop.”

“Matt?” Tears were streaming down her face, and I could feel tears of my own threatening to fall with them.

The images of Keke throwing the rock, Jazz’s team not far from ours, the clouds of adrenaline covering the finer details of the forest and its denizens. It was all coming back to me, and I absolutely despised it. As more and more images rose, I fought harder to suppress them. How ironic it was that it seemed only to strengthen the memories as they struggled to become as fresh as the day it occurred.

They compounded onto the reflections of Marianne’s face in the hot spring. Her hot breath against my hand and her soft skin on mine. Her laugh, her murmurs, her lips…

The skin around my left eye twitched, and the corner of my mouth twitched with it. I felt a newfound fury rise from within me. My own emotions loomed over me with the promise of impending doom. And at last, I felt what I knew was inevitable—the eventual loss of Keke, Cannoli, Ravyn, and now Ceres.

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They would all fall under my command at some point. It was impossible to protect them all. Time is all that stood in my way—time I didn’t have.

Countless scenarios of losing Keke and the others played in my head as Keke’s voice grew more and more distant and muddied. I felt as if someone was drowning me. And yet I breathed.

Then I looked at her. I drank in every detail of her body, every word out of her mouth, the intricacies of her skin, her mannerisms, all of it. I even pictured how she looked after we’d made love and cuddled together as we laughed about when I’d next be shot by one of her arrows. Maybe plenty of catgirls acted the way she did, were [Scout]s like she was, spoke how she did. I’m sure there’d be plenty like her in my journey.

But they weren’t Keke.

“Keke,” I whispered, interrupting something she was saying that I couldn’t hear. I didn’t want to come off as being insensitive. I’d need to apologize for that later. Ah, but she was here to console me.

“Matt!” I finally heard her say. “I’m not asking for forgiveness. I acted rashly, a-and I ca-can’t do anything to take it back. B-but I don’t want to lose you. The thought of it is just too much to bear.” Keke buried her face into her hands with muffled sobs. She fell to her knees in a slump. “I’m so sorry. This isn’t fair to you.”

I took the spot next to her and leaned up against her, shoulder to shoulder. “How do I respond to that?”

Keke shook her head vigorously, then took her hands away from her face, running her teeth against her bottom lip. “I don’t know what else to say. I’ve felt that!” Keke coughed. “Th-that there’s nothing you can do for a person wh-who’s feeling that w-way.” Her sentences were so chopped up, but she forced each one out like she was fighting against herself. “I never would’ve wished that on you, and there’s nothing I can do about it! I wanted to take away your pain, and I can’t even do that!”

“You’re right,” I whispered. “But I wouldn’t be able to get through this without you.” I put my hand on top of hers. “There’s still so much to do. And now with Marianne and my—my daugh— Goddammit.” I couldn’t say it. There was no way I could vocalize what I thought. What I knew to be true yet was unable to say.

Keke took her free hand and covered my mouth. “Don’t say it. You don’t have to. You don’t owe me or anyone else those words.” She removed her hand and wiped away one of my tears. Wait, when did I start crying? “I don’t understand anything about the men from your world, or,” Keke forced a laugh, “any of the men in this world for that matter. You can tell me when you’re upset about something, or if you just want to talk. But you never have to force these things.”

I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just let her keep going. It felt as if a single word out of my mouth would crush my entire self-esteem, wipe away the bravado, and destroy the sense of accomplishment I’d saved up until now. So… I just let her keep talking. I listened—tried to anyway. Sometimes it took a lot of my concentration. Hell, all of it.

Guess I didn’t sleep after all.

“You don’t have to shoulder the entire burden. We’re here for you,” Keke put a hand to her chest. “I’m here for you.”

“The others are going to wonder where we are.”

Keke wrapped her fingers around my hand and squeezed. “I’ve taken care of everything I can. Remember that there’s another man here. I think Tristan is starting to understand.”

I set my jaw and drew a deep breath. “I hope so.”

“Just rest.” Keke ran her free hand through my hair. “I’ll sing you a song to help you sleep.”

“You sing?” My eyelids drooped.

“I used to.” Keke’s voice seemed distant like she was reflecting on an old memory. “Years ago. For you, though, I’ll… I’ll sing the song my mom sang to me when I was upset.”

“You’re an angel.”

I curled up in the tavern bed, and Keke perched comfortably beside me. My eyes felt heavy. My body felt heavy. Everything felt so damn heavy. But her sweet voice lulled me to sleep while she stroked a hand through my hair. For a few perfect seconds, it was just us in the world.