Chapter 233: Chapter 202: Antifragile

My steps carried me through the halls at a brisk pace, the corner of my eye twitching every second of the way. I couldn’t believe Keke refused to back me up when I needed her most. After everything we’d been through, how could Cannoli’s best friend abandon her like that? What would our journeys be like if Cannoli wasn’t there?

If Cannoli wasn’t there anymore, then…

Images of Cannoli cooking over an open fire with a wide smile filled my head. Pinching my cheek, filling the bowls of kittens in Catania. She had the kind of attitude, the kind of personality that set your heart at ease. As long as she stuck around, I was sure everything would work out somehow. Cannoli just carried that sorta energy around her.

To see it all disappear would just be…

No. I’ll convince her. We’ll make amends and laugh over food like we always do. She can do this. I know she can.

She could do this. Right?

I eventually caught Cannoli leaving one of the bathing rooms. Her hair was damp, and she wore a decorated white robe. She offered what could barely qualify as a smile as she approached.

“Matt. Are you okay?” The tone in her voice couldn’t hide anything. There was no real concern or interest in it. It was gut-wrenching.

“Can we talk for a bit?” The way I figured it, we’d be much better off just biting the bullet and getting this over with. I hated to take away from her relaxation, but time was of the essence. We couldn’t stay in Magn—er—Naeemah’s castle much longer. There were things to do. “It’s important.”

Cannoli hummed and gazed at the ceiling. “Sorry. I’m not really in the mood to talk right now. Maybe tomorrow?”

My heart sank.

“Yeah. That’s fine, I guess.” I scratched the back of my neck while my thoughts haunted me. No, it’s not fine, Matt. “Just let me know as soon as possible, okay? Like I said, important.”

“Mhm.”

Cannoli started down the hall, and I watched as her tail bobbed between the folds of the robe’s fabric. I began to drum my fingers against my thigh and tap my shoe against the floor. Cailu could yell at me for this later. I wasn’t about to make the same unreasonable demands that Cailu made of his Party. These weren’t just my Party members. They were my friends, my… my girls.

And now what? Now you sit here, waiting for her while she takes her time to think about how you made her feel? 

“Shut up,” I quietly whispered to myself. 

The others fought tooth and nail beside you. They did what they had to in order to ensure not just your survival but theirs. Given the chance, Cannoli would’ve let Ceres die. You’re okay with that?

I continued to curse the voice in my head while I bunched my hands into fists. The voice was wrong. It had to be. This wasn’t me talking, it was someone or something else. Cannoli had always been the life of the group—the glue. Bringing us up when we were down.

And that’s all she does, the irritating thoughts continued. She whimpers in the background as the Party’s damsel in distress—your princess. Maybe Cailu’s right.

“Cannoli,” I said before my thoughts could grow louder. This had to be resolved. Now. Feelings and concerns I hadn’t realized were there—or perhaps I refused to acknowledge—were rising up within me. “We need to talk.”

“Matt,” Cannoli sighed, looking over her shoulder. “Tomorrow, okay? I’m really not—”

“We can’t wait for you anymore,” I blurted. I shut my eyes and sucked my lips in between my teeth. “This can’t wait.”

Cannoli furrowed her brow and frowned. Was that anger? Resentment?

“What do you mean, Matt?” There was no squeak or stammering surrounding her question. Gone was the timid and thoughtful [Acolyte] I’d grown so accustomed to. 

I wasn’t sure who I was looking at. “We’ve been training, and I hit Level 10.”

Cannoli’s eyes widened as she closed the distance between us. “Matt, that’s great!” At last, there was a hint of happiness in her voice. The cheer I so adored. The beating of my heart slowed. “But, combat? Against Encroachers? You know that I… I can’t fight very well.”

“That’s why I’m here.” I reached down and took her hand, holding it between us. “Keke’ll be 10 too, soon. I want you to train with us. That way, you can become a [Priest].”

Her smile faded into a thin line. “I’m… not so sure about becoming a [Priest],” Cannoli admitted. “I don’t know if I’m qualified to do much of anything.”

“Yes, you are.”

Oh, Matt’s coming to the rescue again, the thoughts chided. Seems she can’t do anything without your support. Grow a damn backbone.

Cannoli blinked. “You really think so?”

“Yes,” I said, nodding. “But you have to put the work in, Cannoli. We need you. I need you. Please.”

“Matt, I—” Cannoli hesitated.

Please. Just say yes. Let’s go train and get you back up. It’ll be just like always, I promise.

“Maybe it is time we talk,” Cannoli continued. “But not in here. Let’s go to my room.”

“Sure.”

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Cannoli rubbed my hand with her thumb and graced me with a quick smile before heading off down the hallway. As her feet pitter-pattered against the marble, a sense of anxiety began to fill my chest and tighten my stomach. The same kind I used to get shortly before my past girlfriends broke up with me.

When Cannoli led me to her room, it was empty. She motioned for me to sit on the nearest bed, then took a seat beside me.

“This is very hard for me to talk about,” Cannoli began. She fiddled with her thumbs in her lap, her gaze constantly moving. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, and I struggled not to shake the words out of her mouth. “So please… just bear with me.”

“Okay.”

“There’s something you should know. About my— my past. My family,” she murmured.

I nodded.

“My mother was… not a good person. She was everything we stand against. Years ago, when I was still a kitten, she was taken away from me for being in love,” Cannoli paused. 

She’d said as much after I returned from Abalone. “Cannoli, I rememb—”

“I’m not done. Just wait.” Cannoli stood and paced the room. “I wasn’t completely truthful with you. It wasn’t my father she loved, it was another island’s man. She hid him.”

I blinked. “I see.”

“I owe Keke and Elona everything for what came after. I’m sure I would’ve thrown myself in the ocean if not for her. Still, I felt an emptiness from my mother’s absence. And so I turned to Saoirse.

“For me, my faith was my everything. My way of life, why I woke up every morning, my guiding light. After Mother was unsuccessfully rehabilitated and then imprisoned, I was shamed by her sins. I wished to repent, to atone for my mother’s atrocious acts, and become a [Bishop] that was worthy of the name.”

A chill crawled down my spine. Cannoli’s words were starting to sound less like her and more like a zealot.

“I spent every day worshipping Saoirse, praying that the same sins would not befall me. I’ve committed her Decrees to heart and followed them as best I’m able.” Cannoli’s ears twitched downward as she turned and made another circuit around the room. “When I realized how I felt about you, I was afraid I’d destroyed everything I worked for.”

She said as much with Ravyn.

“But then, you… you allowed—” Her words trailed, and she inhaled a deep breath. “What Kirti has done is reprehensible, and you will not change my mind on this. I cannot follow a person, man or not, if I do not understand the full weight of Saoirse’s teachings and expectations.”

“What do you mean?” I chanced asking.

“Let me finish,” she snapped.

I chewed my tongue and stayed silent.

“What I’m saying is,” Cannoli continued, “I must first understand what and who it is I follow. I have to understand Saoirse if I am to become a [Priest].”

I fought down the urge to emphasize the importance of our training. There would be no further understanding unless she could follow a full-fledged [Priest], which meant she had to get to Level 10. She was jumping too far ahead.

“I spent days preaching and celebrating her blessings with a mere figment of understanding,” she said. “I barely qualify as an [Acolyte], let alone a [Priest]. I wish to undergo formal study. That’s why… I think, at least for the time being, we should part ways.”

I shot to my feet. “No, Cannoli. Come on, no! We… we can figure this out. I’ll help you get to Level 10, and we’ll take you to Nyarlothep!” I gripped her by the shoulders. “Then you can continue studying while Keke and me work on hitting Second Class.”

“It’s not the same, Matt,” she whispered. She shut her eyes as tears threatened to fall. “I will go to Nyarlothep with you, and we shall part ways there.” Her lips trembled, and my head throbbed at the thought of her absence. “F-f-formal education m-may take some time. I… I n-need this. I need closure. My mother, she—”

I pulled her into an embrace as tears trickled down my cheeks. Wasn’t there anything else we could do? How long was formal education supposed to take? Surely there was a better alternative. 

There was no Party without Cannoli. She was irreplaceable.

Damn it! 

“I understand,” I choked.

“Thank you, Matt.” Cannoli wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me tightly. Another sob choked her throat. “I’m so sorry.”

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