Chapter 223: 287. Regression

The silence was driving Pan Jiaying crazy as they followed Li Meili to some unspecified meeting point. It was tense and uncomfortable, and worst of all it had given Jiaying time to think.

Yesterday, her life had been so simple. Tend the gardens, save her credits, do some meditation when time allowed, and hope that maybe one day she’d finally find something greater to work towards—her own path. Then a stranger came along and twisted everything.

She’d been excited of course—who wouldn’t be? It was practically her dream for some beautiful wandering cultivator to sweep her off her feet and take her on a grand adventure! In her dreams, the stranger was more masculine, but she wasn’t going to complain. Li Meili had shown her another way, opened her eyes to the stagnation she was experiencing in the sect, and even taught Jiaying her first technique for free!

It all seemed too good to be true. Because it was. Li Meili wasn’t who she said she was. Apparently wasn’t even human, though Pan Jiaying was still struggling to wrap her head around that idea. It wasn’t as if Li Meili hadn’t been open about why she was visiting—she had been after Luo Mingyu from the beginning. Yet somehow, seeing them fight had dispelled the illusion that Li Meili was her friend.

In hindsight, Jiaying felt a bit silly. They’d only spent a single day together, and yet she’d gotten so emotionally invested in a friendship that never existed. Was she so starved for companionship? It had been childish of her to get so wrapped up in her fantasies that a bit of genuine kindness was all it took to blind her to something as obvious as a stranger having their own agenda.

She stared at the softly glowing orb of solid qi in her hand—the beast core that Li Meili had left her. Pan Jiaying had meant to return it—thinking it too great a gift to accept after everything that Li Meili had already done. She’d thrown it at Li Meili’s feet in a fit of anger, but when they’d left Li Meili hadn’t bothered to recollect it. It was a little embarrassing picking it back up herself, but Pan Jiaying wasn’t about to just leave it there.

Genuine kindness. That was what bothered Pan Jiaying the most about the entire situation. The lightness in her step as she channeled her one and only technique, the glowing gem she carried—Li Meili didn’t have to do any of that. If she was truly so single-minded in her purpose, then why would she have bothered being so generous? She didn’t have anything to gain from Pan Jiaying’s favor.

Plus, she was perfectly capable of just taking what she wanted by force! She’d had Luo Mingyu dead to rights, and it wasn’t like Pan Jiaying was going to tip the scales. So why had she stopped? Why did she care what they thought about her? As much as Li Meili had deceived them, Pan Jiaying couldn’t help but think that the biggest lie of all was the claim that she wasn’t a real person.

Li Meili was absolutely a real person. Pan Jiaying might not have understood all that stuff about avatars, but she was certain that Li Meili’s actions were not that of a mindless automaton. The fact that she’d even say such things about herself was concerning. And that brought Pan Jiaying to the worst part of all.

She was worried. Emperor damn her for it, but some part of her still wanted to think of Li Meili as a friend, and that part saw a deeply troubled girl who was struggling with something much bigger than sect politics, or some gardener girl being mistreated—yet had gone out of her way to help anyway. Pan Jiaying wanted to understand the mystery behind Li Meili—not out of curiosity or a sense of adventure, but because she clearly needed help that she wasn’t getting elsewhere.

But also, she was still extremely upset about being lied to, and those conflicting feelings were warring so fiercely within her heart that she worried she might experience a heart demon at the rate she was going. At least there was a healer close to hand.

Night had well and truly fallen by the time they arrived. Their destination turned out to be the top of a fairly large hill. It had good visibility of the area around it, and a stunning view of Lushan from a distance. Even in the moonlight, Pan Jiaying had to admire the sight of her home. The sect had turned the mountain into a work of art, and she was proud to consider herself a part of it—no matter how minor.

There wasn’t much to the hill itself. A single peach tree grew at its crest, under which two women waited for them. The first was stunningly beautiful, with silky black hair that shone in the moonlight, partially obscuring her face. She had a dangerous look in her eye that gave Pan Jiaying pause. As small and young as she appeared, the first woman gave the impression of someone intimately familiar with violence.

The second woman was taller and infinitely more comforting. She had a matronly feeling to her, and met them with a gentle smile. Pan Jiaying felt her heart ache as she got a closer look at the women. She was clearly young, but her gaunt features and thinning brown hair told a story of long-term illness that had aged her severely. This was, she presumed, the sister that Li Meili had spoken of.

The dangerous-looking one raised a hand in greeting as they approached.

“That was fast, welcome back. Is this the guy?”

Li Meili nodded mechanically. Her voice still had that strange, hollow quality that it had ever since her confession.

“Yes, these are Luo Mingyu and Pan Jiaying of the Gaze of the Everwatching Mists.”

Pan Jiaying didn’t really know what else to do, so she bowed politely at the introduction. The dangerous girl scowled, but the look was so natural on her face that Pan Jiaying didn’t know how to interpret it.

“You can call me Jing Yi. This is Li Zhen. How much has Li Meili told you?”

Luo Mingyu smiled.

“She recounted her meeting with my father, and asked that I attempt to help her sister. She also informed me that she is actually just a construct sent to represent your interests.”

Jing Yi grimaced and leveled an angry glare at Li Meili.

“What the fuck?!”

Li Meili stared at her feet miserably, speaking softly.

“I’m sorry...”

“You weren’t supposed to—”

“It’s fine!”

A third voice interrupted, uncannily familiar. From the other side of the hill, another woman ascended and Pan Jiaying felt the blood drain from her face at the sight. It was Li Meili. The same hair tied in the same buns, the same small figure and cute round face—even her outfit matched down to the thread.

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Only the tone of her voice set her apart from the Li Meili that Pan Jiaying knew. Though her voice was the same, the way she spoke was lighter and more airy than her counterpart. It was a subtle difference that Pan Jiaying wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t been searching for any difference she could find.

The second Li Meili bowed and introduced herself.

“You can call me Li Meili—though that’s probably going to be confusing for you. We planned on telling you everything eventually anyway.”

Jing Yi crossed her arms and shot a glare at Pan Jiaying that made her shudder.

“We planned on telling one person. And only after we had established that we could trust him ourselves. Meili telling everything to an extra was not part of the plan.”

Li Meili shrunk in on herself—the first one, or rather the one that Pan Jiaying knew. Knowing she’d have trouble telling them apart, Pan Jiaying decided to mentally think of the new one as a twin. Li Meili’s twin shrugged, her carefree demeanor a stark contrast against Meili’s closed posture.

“I mean, I guess we did, in a way. She’s us, after all. If Li Meili decided she can trust them, then I’ll trust her judgment.”

Jiaying took note of the fact that even her twin seemed to refer to Li Meili by name. Jing Yi scoffed, pointing an accusatory finger at Li Meili.

“Are you sure about that? Look at her! They fucking broke her!”

Though she was having a hard time following the conversation, Pan Jiaying was getting irritated at the way they were treating Li Meili. The twin grimaced.

“Hmm, yeah—actually, before we move on I guess I should ask about that. Meili, what happened?”

It was like watching someone talk into a mirror, if one side of the mirror was sad and the other was...Pan Jiaying didn’t know how to describe the impression she had of Li Meili’s twin. She was so similar, yet different in subtle ways that couldn’t be put into words. As though she was missing something.

Li Meili crossed one arm across her chest and glanced back at Pan Jiaying and Luo Mingyu.

“It’s not their fault. I acted too suspiciously and got into a fight with Luo Mingyu because he thought I was threatening his family. I had to tell them who I am as a show of good faith, to regain their trust. But I realized that I’m not anybody. I’m not you, and there is no me. Just a story you made up. So I told them that.”

Begrudgingly, Pan Jiaying had to credit the other party—they all reacted to that with concern. Li Zhen spoke for the first time, and her voice was as soft and motherly as she looked.

“Oh, sweetheart, no.”

The twin exchanged worried glances with Jing Yi, then the two of them suddenly changed. Jing Yi’s severe expression softened slightly, but what drew Pan Jiaying’s attention was the twin. In an instant, all the tiny imperfections that she’d been noticing vanished. Her stance, her expression, her eyes—the twin stopped being a twin and became Li Meili. Both of them switched focus to Li Meili at exactly the same time, and when the twin spoke, she sounded identical to Meili.

“Meili, we’re so sorry. We never meant for you to feel that way. Master is right, it was irresponsible of us to create you without properly thinking about the consequences. For what it’s worth, we trust you implicitly to act on our behalf, and we’ll support you whether you want to think of yourself as us, or as your own person.”

Once again, Pan Jiaying didn’t know what to think. Li Meili’s...creators—parents? They clearly cared about her, but at the same time they were dangerously irresponsible. They’d admitted that they hadn’t properly considered the consequences, and that recklessness had directly led to her distress. Perhaps it was her own bias at work, but Pan Jiaying decided she didn’t like them—they reminded her too much of her own parents. Pushing Li Meili into doing what they wanted with no regard for how it would impact their child.

Li Meili was still staring at the ground when she finally responded to her twin.

“I don’t think I’m either. I don’t think I can be either. I tried being you, but I failed, and when I try to think of myself, I get nothing. Just the story we came up with—the lies that we use to hide ourselves. I hate this! I don’t want to be this anymore! I did what I promised! I came back! Please, just let me go back to being you again! Let me go back...”

By the time she’d finished, Li Meili had tears running down her cheeks, and she sank to her knees, caught by her twin who held her in a tight embrace.

“We’re sorry for everything, Meili. This was our fault, and we’ll accept the consequences of our actions. Of course we release you from your duties and accept your suffering as our own. It’s the least we can do to prevent it from happening again. You can come back now.”

Meili returned the embrace.

“Thank you...”

Pan Jiaying’s eyes widened as she realized what was about to happen, she stepped forward and held out a hand.

“No, wait! Don’t—!”

She was too late. All she could do was watch in abject horror as the only friend she’d ever had dissolved into essence.