Chapter 238: 302. Definition

“I know you’re awake, lazybones. It’s been over a week! How long are you going to hide away in here?”

Deep within the core sanctum of Yoshika’s soulscape, Heian rolled over and tucked her face into her cat form’s fur, pretending to sleep. Yoshika put her hands on her hips and huffed.

“You’re not fooling anybody, you little brat! Come on, I know you’re tired, but Narae could really use a friend right now.”

That got Heian’s attention. Her ears perked up, and she slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position.

“Because her Mommy is sleepy?”

“Yes, exactly! How would you feel if your two favorite people in the world were both asleep all the time?”

Heian frowned.

“Bad?”

Yoshika flicked her in the forehead.

“Don’t guess! Actually think about it!”

Heian rubbed her forehead and grumbled for a moment before shrugging.

“I’d be lonely without Mommy.”

“There you go. That’s exactly how Narae is feeling right now.”

“You can play with her too.”

Yoshika sighed.

“Of course, but I also have the responsibility of training her. I try my best, but it’s hard to be her friend and guardian at the same time. Besides, she needs someone her own age to keep her company.”

“I’m either much younger or much older than Narae, depending on how it’s measured.”

“Don’t give me that. I know it’s different for spirits, but you wouldn’t take that form if it wasn’t representative of your true self.”

Heian pouted and averted her eyes.

“I’m still tired. I gave you too much.”

Yoshika’s face softened and she knelt down in front of Heian to push a stray lock of messy black hair out of her eyes.

“I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry for pushing you so hard. I’m...thinking about trying to talk to your progenitor. She’s just been hiding away in my ring for so long—maybe she can help.”

Heian nodded slowly.

“Maybe. If I take too much of her I might turn into her again, though.”

“I’ll try not to let that happen. But for now, I don’t need your power—I just need you to be you, for Narae, okay?”

“Okay.”

Yoshika’s attention wandered to Heian’s second form—technically the original. The giant panther kitten groomed herself impassively, barely paying attention to the conversation. 

“Are you going to stay split like this forever?”

Heian rubbed her eyes and nodded.

“Have to. Kitty is me, and I’m also me. Like Mommy.”

Heian had chosen to take after Yoshika in the strangest way—though it did give her a thought.

“Heian, you’ve been living with me for a long time now—in a way, you know me better than anyone else does. What do you think of me?”

As a spirit, Heian had a different way of looking at the world than humans, and while she’d grown very good at understanding and communicating with humans on their level, she was still fundamentally different. She was bound to have a unique perspective.

Heian looked up at Yoshika and furrowed her brow.

“Dumb question. Mommy is Mommy.”

Okay, maybe not. Yoshika tried to change tracks.

“Okay, but why do you think of me as your mother? I’ve cared for you as a daughter, and I’m very proud of what you’ve become, but sometimes I worry that you’re just shaping yourself based on my expectations.”

Heian wrinkled her nose.

“Mmm. Sort of? But no. This is a hard question. I don’t know how to say it in human words.”

Her cat form padded up to Yoshika and held up a paw. Bemused, Yoshika extended her own hand to take it, and was immediately flooded with raw emotion.

Thanks to all her practice, it didn’t overwhelm her. Instead she felt what Heian felt for just a moment, and understood. Mutual love and acceptance, a desire to return the emotions given on a deeper level than just reciprocity, shaping and being shaped in turn—Heian was right, it was difficult to put into words. Yoshika gave it her best attempt anyway.

“You were shaped by my emotions? Spirits are made of emotional essence, and as you grew from my essence, you picked up on those emotions and took shape based on them. By returning those feelings, you do the same for me. Something like that?”

Heian nodded.

“Mhm. I think so. Probably. Words are still hard sometimes. Mommy is Mommy.”

She punctuated her statement by offering another paw. This time, Yoshika sensed a single pure concept—a caretaker, guardian, friend, ally, confidant, and teacher all in one. In other words, a loving parent. Yoshika nodded with slowly dawning understanding.

“I see. That’s me...I’m Mommy.”

Heian yawned.

“Yes.”

Yoshika mentally retracted her dismissal of the tautology. She had been right the first time—Heian really did have a unique way of viewing the world.

 

---

 

Narae was overjoyed by Heian’s return to the physical realm. While she’d been putting on a brave face and putting everything into her training, Yoshika could tell that she was feeling a bit lonely. Narae practically tackled the little cat spirit to the ground as soon as she saw her.

“Heian! You’re back!”

Heian returned the hug.

“Yes. Hello Narae. Sorry I napped for so long. I’m still very tired.”

Narae’s amber eyes widened incredulously.

“Still?! It’s been forever!”

“Mhm. I gave too much, sorry.”

“Even when I use up all my essence I don’t get that tired!”

Yoshika chuckled.

“Narae, if you used up all your essence, you’d die. Half-spirits can’t live without any. Master Ienaga knows that, and she knows how to wear you all the way down to your last drop without going too far. She had plenty of practice on us, after all.”

Narae stuck her tongue out at Yoshika.

“Close enough! How come Heian has to sleep for so long?”

Yoshika considered how to explain it to her curious little sister.

“You know how when you meditate, there’s a little ball of essence in your dantian that gets denser the more you gather into it?”

Narae nodded.

You are reading story Fates Parallel (A Xianxia/Wuxia Inspired Cultivation Story) at novel35.com

“That’s my spiritual core, right? Where I store qi for spiritual arts and my flying technique.”

“That’s right. What happens to it when you run out of essence?”

“It gets all sluggish until it hurts to pull any more out of it and then I can’t fly anymore.”

It was good that Narae was such a quick study—when it came to cultivation, at least.

“Good, now try to remember that Heian is different from humans. She doesn’t have a dantian to store her essence in, or an aura to draw mana from, or even a body to channel ki. Heian is essence—the same kind that forms your spiritual core. So what do you think happens when she uses too much essence?”

Narae’s eyes lit up with understanding.

“She gets tired!”

“Normally, yes, but last time she didn’t just stop when she couldn’t fly anymore. Heian kept using more, even though it hurt, until there was almost nothing left.”

Narae gasped and grabbed Heian by the shoulders, holding her at arm’s length.

“Oh my ancestors! Heian, are you okay?!”

Heian rubbed her eyes and nodded.

“Mm. Sleepy. But Mommy is helping me get better.”

Yoshika smiled sadly.

“It’s not easy. It used to be that we could just refine Shadow essence, which was a slow but steady way to restore her. She changed a while ago, though, and while she still eats Shadow...”

Heian wrinkled her nose.

“It doesn’t taste as good anymore. Need to fix it before it can be me.”

Yoshika nodded in acknowledgement.

“We’re still adjusting to things. But she’s awake now, at least.”

Narae gave Heian a concerned frown.

“Don’t push yourself, okay? If you need to sleep more, you can. I’m a big girl now! I’ll be fine on my own for a little while longer.”

Heian shook her head.

“M’fine. We can play. I’ll just sleep when you're training.”

That was good enough for Narae, and the two of them took off to make up for lost time. Yoshika watched them go with a smile before drawing her attention to the pair that were awkwardly approaching her from behind.

Li Meili smiled and waved awkwardly, with Pan Jiaying clinging to her arm and nuzzling her cheek into Meili’s shoulder. Yoshika gave her a matching pair of curiously raised eyebrows.

“Uh, did we miss something?”

Her avatar grimaced.

“No, not exactly. I think Pan Jiaying is starting to get bits of her personality back, but she’s very...uninhibited.”

Pan Jiaying hummed softly.

“Li Meili is nice to me. Nobody else is nice to me, so I like Li Meili.”

Li Meili smiled stiffly.

“Yeah... I’m pretty sure that if she remembers this when she’s recovered, she’s going to be as embarrassed by it then as I am now.”

Yoshika tried not to laugh. It wasn’t supposed to be funny—twisting Jiaying’s soul was something that deserved the kind of solemn gravity that Eunae gave it, no matter how temporary it was.

But also, Jiaying was painfully adorable when she was all loopy like that, and Yoshika had to admit she was a tiny bit jealous of Li Meili. She kept her composure, though.

“I see. Well, we’re glad you’re taking good care of her. Did you need something?”

Li Meili shook her head.

“No, I just wanted to come say hello to Heian now that she’s up and about again, but I guess Narae’s going to hold on to her monopoly for a while.”

“Ah, sorry. We should have given you a chance to greet her as well.”

“It’s fine—neither of us are going anywhere.”

The two of them stood in awkward silence for a moment. Yoshika always felt weird talking to Li Meili. Her avatar was unquestionably her in nearly every way that counted, but due to her nature Li Meili had developed a different set of priorities and interests. They were close enough to the same person that conversations felt pointless, but different enough to make things awkward when they shared the same space.

They mostly just avoided each other.

“What’s it like?”

Yoshika’s sudden question caught Li Meili off guard.

“What do you mean?”

“Being you. We have the memories from that day in the sect, but it’s been weeks now—what’s it like?”

Li Meili furrowed her brows in contemplation.

“To be honest, I’ve been trying not to think about it. That’s part of why I avoid talking to you, if I can help it. I don’t see Yoshika when I’m looking at you, I see Jia and Eui. And...I miss them. Even when you’re not merged, I feel weird trying to talk to you—like I’m intruding on something.”

“You know that’s not how we think of you.”

“No, of course not. I know perfectly well that you’d never treat me that way, but it’s how I feel about myself. I’m vestigial—superfluous. I still love both of you, but I can never be a part of that relationship again. Not without merging back into you.”

Pan Jiaying threw her arms around Li Meili and pouted.

“Noooo! Don’t go!”

Li Meili smiled sadly and pat Pan Jiaying on the arm.

“I won’t, don’t worry. Not yet, anyway.”

She returned her attention to Yoshika and shrugged.

“Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. I know you’re trying to find answers about yourself by asking others, but I’m as lost as you are, if not more.”

Yoshika chuckled sardonically.

“Are we that obvious?”

“It’s what we always do, isn’t it? We try to define ourselves by the people around us. It’s what Jia and Eui do with each other, it’s what I’ve started to do with Pan Jiaying, and it’s what you’re struggling to do right now. Maybe it’s part of our domain, or maybe it’s just a personality trait, but we always feel the need to anchor ourselves to someone else.”

“It’s hard to say you’re wrong, but I’m not sure if that’s healthy.”

Li Meili shrugged.

“It’s keeping me going, for now. But I’m temporary—at the bare minimum you’re going to have to reform me one day, since I can’t cultivate on my own. I just hope that by then, one of us figures out how to be you—for both our sakes.”

“We see. Thank you for your insights—it’s given us a lot to think about.”

Yoshika’s avatar bowed awkwardly, with Pan Jiaying hanging off her arm.

“I’ll try to give it some more thought, myself. Pan Jiaying considers you to be my mother, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to think of you that way. Perhaps by finding other ways to distinguish myself from you, I can help you reach your own conclusions as well.”

Yoshika returned the bow and bid them farewell, considering what Li Meili had said. Her and Heian had both, in their own ways, described her as someone who defined herself by her relationships to others. It was true that her domain was Unity, but was it really that simple?

She didn’t feel like she was any closer to finding the answers she was looking for, but Yoshika felt like she was at least beginning to approach the right questions.