Chapter 62: 134. Melancholy

If Yan Ren noticed Yoshika's unease, he made no indication of it. She had to assume that he had, as high level a cultivator as he was. She gathered up her courage before responding to him.

“I’m...late to meet with my friends. We were going to celebrate my victory tonight, so if it’s not too urgent, could we do this another time?”

Yan Ren’s expression didn’t change—his stoicism could give even Guan Yi’s notorious stoneface a run for its money.

“A half-truth. You expect to meet them, but no formal plans were arranged. You’d have been better suited using your house arrest as an excuse, as it would be entirely truthful. I can see the influence of my people on you—how tiresome.”

Yoshika felt a cold sweat on the back of her neck.

“P-pardon?”

Yan Ren ignored her, continuing as if he were speaking to himself.

“You’ve learned some manners, but don’t actually respect the traditions—simply following what you know by rote, and floundering when things don’t go as you expect. The young mistress’ work, no doubt. Miss Lee, I assure you that I will not take up much of your time, as I have precious little to spend, myself.”

“Um...o-okay....”

Yoshika had no idea what to do in this situation. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that any one of the six before her could kill her with a thought. As if he’d read her mind, Yan Ren spoke to assuage her fears.

“If I had intended you harm, Miss Lee, you would already be dead. Though I have heard of your altercation with my brother-in-craft and his disciples, I am not here to intercede on that matter. Before you try to make any denials, I know that you have my clan’s artifacts, I know that you engage in demonic practices, and I know that you did not have anything to do with the death of Young Master Yan Zhihao. Yan Hao likes to imagine himself as the player in a grand game, but I assure you, I am much more direct in my dealings.”

He didn’t sound very direct, but Yoshika was already intimately familiar with the Qin’s love of circumlocution.

“What do you want from me, then?”

Yan Ren didn’t smile, but he did give her a nod of acknowledgement.

“Good, it is rare that I am met with such straightforwardness. Miss Lee, I am looking for information regarding the Demon who calls himself ‘Jianmo’. It is my understanding that you and Miss An were the last ones to see the creature, and interacted with him most closely. Describe the encounter to me.”

Yoshika hesitated, but what was she supposed to do, deny him? He had already demonstrated that he could tell with disturbing accuracy whether she was lying, and it wasn’t like she was in a position to refuse. She started from the moment that Yan Zhihao had destroyed the withering seal on the sword, then antagonized the demon thinking that the sword would give him control over it. She described Zhihao’s betrayal, and the way that Jianmo had executed him. Frustratingly, Yan Ren was an extremely attentive listener, and would press for details each time she tried to leave something out.

“He tried to recruit you as disciples.”

“N-not exactly? He was interested in Eui, while J—I was just sort of an afterthought.”

“I see. Then he left you to release your friends from the seal with your newfound domain, and that was the last you saw of him.”

Yoshika nodded. It was hard to tell whether Yan Ren was asking a question or not. He said everything with such conviction, and he rarely phrased his questions as actual questions.

“Then that will be all. You may go.”

Yoshika blinked, nonplussed, and before she could stop herself, her mouth moved ahead of her brain.

“So that’s it? You’re not going to kill us? Demand the artifacts back? Kidnap us to stand trial in Qin for some vague crimes of demonism because we didn’t cultivate in the Empire-approved way?”

Yan Ren regarded her with a small frown, the most emotion she’d seen from him during their entire interaction.

“No, Miss Lee. Though I wouldn’t stop you if you wish to volunteer the artifacts, I’m afraid it wouldn’t improve your standing with my sect.”

Yoshika grimaced—and he’d seemed so reasonable!

“What!? Why not? I don’t want to give up what I have, but I never meant to antagonize your clan either.”

“I’m afraid it’s far too late for that. The misunderstanding regarding the young master’s death is unfortunate, but you’ve caused far too much embarrassment to the sect to be left alone. Even disregarding your use of demonic cores, dual cultivation, and whatever that strange cultivation method of yours is—your corruption of the young mistress and your attack on one of our most promising disciples is more than enough to condemn you.”

“Corruption!? I don’t know what you’re talking about, but are you seriously telling me that defending ourselves against Zheng Long and Han Yu is somehow our fault?”

Yan Ren shrugged, his cold expression unmoving.

“Such is the way of the world, Miss Lee. Though oppression of those beneath us is frowned upon, the Great Sects do not accept insults kindly.”

“But they attacked us first!”

“Know your place, child. You are nothing. The only reason I haven’t already struck you down is because your master prevents me from acting directly against you. War with the other nations might be tolerated, but the Empire will not turn its fangs inward like the southern savages.”

Yoshika suppressed an indignant scoff. From what Qin Zhao had told her, the Qin Empire had plenty of history fighting itself. Something stood out to her about what he said, though. She narrowed her eyes at him.

“‘Directly’? Oh, ancestors! It was you! Bai Lin was trying to make Eui go berserk because you promised her some kind of reward, didn’t you?”

Yan Ren didn’t respond to her question, instead turning away, his soldiers following him as he made to leave.

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“I believe our conversation is finished, Miss Lee. You should hope that we do not meet again, though I have little confidence in Yan Hao to fix this mess he’s made. Though I take no pleasure in it, your fate was sealed when you chose to cross one of the Great Sects. Blame your own misfortune.”

Yoshika wanted to stick her tongue out behind his back, but she was sure he’d notice, and she was still afraid of him, even if he had said that he couldn’t act against her here. She wasn’t inclined to tempt fate. Instead, she trudged back home, her mood soured even further by the meeting than it already had been. It wasn’t fair that such a crowning achievement should be overshadowed like that. She had won the doubles tournament! Made a breakthrough on one of her most challenging techniques. Yet now she was in a worse mood than she’d been in since the disastrous trip up to that stupid, cursed mountain.

Her thoughts continued to spiral before she made it back to the house, darkening more and more at the injustice of it all. By the time she made it back, not even the presence of her friends waiting for her was enough to brighten her up, and she almost wished that they weren’t there at all. She wanted to be left alone.

“Welcome home, Yoshika! Congra—what’s wrong?”

Yue cut herself off when she noticed the dour expressions on Yoshika’s faces. Eunae and Rika came over as well, concern written across their faces. Mercifully, Haeun and Chiyo were in the yard playing.

“We don’t really want to talk about it.”

Rika winced.

“They were pretty mad about blowing up the ring, huh? How bad is it? Did you get disqualified?”

“No we didn’t. Sorry, but we’re really not in the mood for celebration. Could you just leave us be for tonight?”

Eunae, ever the responsible one, nodded and went to get the kids, who complained about having to leave before getting a chance to play with Heian. They stopped whining when they saw the expressions on Yoshika’s faces, bowing farewell and departing without another word. As Yoshika retreated into her room, Yue opened her mouth to speak but thought better of it and looked away quietly. Yoshika paused at the threshold, glancing back at Yue and speaking with Eui’s voice.

“By the way, we met your uncle. You were right, he’s here looking for Jianmo. He also told us to our faces that he would have murdered us without Elder Qin’s protection, and he said it as if he was describing the weather. Real great guy. He accused us of ‘corrupting’ you—any idea what that was about?”

Yue cringed at the mention of Yan Ren.

“That—certainly sounds like him. ‘Corruption’ is rather vague, but I expect he is probably remarking on the fact that I am no longer nearly as valuable in arranged marriages as I was before, on account of my lost cultivation.”

“What a great guy. Anyway, he was probably the one who set Bai Lin against us, not that she needed much incentive. We don’t know what exactly he’s doing, but I doubt that we’ve heard the last of him. Be careful.”

“Of course.”

Yoshika shut the door behind her and Eui’s body slumped back against it. She felt stupid for being so worked up over everything that had happened today. She knew that she should feel proud of herself for what she’d accomplished, and found solace in the company of her friends. Instead, she couldn’t help but dwell on the things that had gone wrong. The Awakening Dragon sect was still after her, and from the sounds of it, they’d never leave her alone. She’d failed the one mentor that seemed to genuinely care about her, and pushed away the only potential ally she had that could offer protection from her enemies.

This was the longest she had ever spent as Yoshika, and she was starting to realize that living with the emotions of two people combined was harder than it sounded. It felt like every accomplishment was overshadowed by two failures, and no matter how much she tried to reason with herself that it wasn’t the case, the feeling wouldn’t go away. She had thought herself safe within the academy, but Bai Lin had proven that the Yan had no intention of just leaving her alone. Yoshika was sick of it. What had she done to deserve any of this?

Darkly, her thoughts turned to all the people she’d robbed, killed, abandoned, and failed. Maybe she did deserve it. Maybe all the happiness she had experienced over the last year was just fate’s way of giving context to the true misery that it had in store for her. After all, how could she possibly deserve all the friends she had made? The power that she had attained? She vaguely recalled the nightmare that Jia had, where everything was taken away, leaving her all alone. Surely that was the only destiny allowed for someone like her. She had sworn to make up for her past, but what right did she have? It was arrogance—a way to make herself feel better about how much of a blight she was on the world.

Yoshika was broken from her dark spiral by an unexpected pair of arms wrapping around her bodies. She wasn’t sure when she’d moved Eui’s body from the door to huddle together with Jia’s, but Heian had appeared between them in human form, wrapping them both in a tight embrace as best she could with her small arms. Yoshika often struggled to understand the little cat spirit, but this time her feelings couldn’t be more clear. She returned Heian’s hug with tears forming in the corners of her eyes and smiles fighting their way onto her faces.

“Thanks, sweetie. You’re learning a lot faster than you let on aren’t you?”

Heian didn’t answer, but Yoshika could feel a sense of love and reassurance from the cat spirit that couldn’t be expressed clearly in words. Yoshika could see why spirits preferred to communicate that way, but recalled that she was supposed to be teaching her how to be more human. Somehow, Yoshika doubted that Heian was at risk of trying to possess her the way everyone warned about, but made an attempt anyway.

“I love you too, Heian, but you need to use your words, remember? Most people can’t understand you otherwise.”

“Mmn!”

Heian whined a bit in protest, squeezing Yoshika tighter. Yoshika smiled and stroked her long, messy black hair.

“Turn around.”

Heian blinked up at her in confusion, but complied, and after taking a moment to get comfortable, Yoshika soon had Heian sitting cross-legged on the bed in front of her with a comb and a brush in her hands. With each of her bodies, Yoshika took a handful of Heian’s thick, slightly curly hair and began to brush it gently. Heian swayed back and forth slightly, mimicking what she’d seen the little fox girl Haeun doing before. There was something comforting in the act—it reminded Yoshika of Eui’s mother, and of the quiet, intimate moments between Jia and Eui.

Yoshika allowed herself to bask in the quiet comfort of the moment. Reminding herself that she wasn’t alone—by her very nature, she never would be again. She had been foolish, pushing her friends away in her moment of weakness, when she had needed their company the most. Yoshika’s domain was more than just the source of her power, it was who she was. Her bonds weren’t shackles that held her down, nor simply sources of power for her to draw from—they were what gave her life meaning, and brought her happiness. The same was true of her other aspects as well—not just unity. Shadow was the shelter that she could provide to others, but it was also the shelter that others could provide for her, if she needed it. Finally, hunger was more than just gluttony, or the lust for more power. It was her desire to improve—the need to grow in order to support her other aspects, her ideals.

Soon, Heian’s excessively long hair was as neat as Yoshika could get it. The loose curls refused to be entirely tamed, much like the little cat spirit herself. She idly wondered if it was too late to call her friends back, as embarrassing as it would be after she’d asked them to leave. She realized that she’d been sitting in her room for hours as she began picking strands of hair out of her brushes—it had felt much shorter. Yoshika froze, then frowned down at the comb with long strands of dark hair still hanging loosely off of it.

Heian was a spirit—made entirely of essence. She had no physical form, and existed only as an extension of Yoshika’s domain. How then could she leave traces of hair behind on a brush? For that matter, how had her hair been brushed at all? Yoshika examined the loose hairs closely with her domain, and found that they were made of essence after all, but it was like nothing she’d ever seen. To describe it as shadow mana would fail to encapsulate the deeper meaning behind it. It wasn’t Heian anymore—the shadow essence that made up her spirit familiar was unmistakable—but it was something that was closely related to her, and to Yoshika as well.

The innocuous looking strands of hair seemed to almost tell a story. They were the moment of intimacy, the comforting experience of simply grooming each other, the dark thoughts of Yoshika cast away by Heian’s loving embrace, the insights that Yoshika had made into her own nature during that moment—they were all of that and more. Yoshika was awed by what she felt—she had no idea that mana could even carry such a deep meaning within it, and something told her that those strands of hair stretched the bounds of spiritual essence to their very limits. They were, in short, mana that represented the bond between her and Heian.

It was so precious, so beautiful, that Yoshika realized that she couldn’t possibly let it go to waste. To her dismay, some of it was already beginning to dissipate back into the air. Before her panic could set in, Yoshika had an idea—a perfect use for the mysterious new mana that had been created by her bonding moment with Heian. Without a moment to lose, she summoned the pair of unfinished gloves from Jia’s ring. The latent artifact’s progress had stalled, but the mana that Heian had created was perfect for it.

Yoshika brought out a tiny, golden needle infused with a powerful essence of metal—a tool she had bought specifically for working with immortal-grade materials. She threaded the needle with the loose hairs, and quickly began sewing a pattern into the gloves. Yoshika didn’t really know what she was trying to design, but she allowed her instincts to guide her hand as the pattern emerged. Heian’s hair was long enough to complete nearly a third of the pattern on a single glove at once. That cat spirit herself watched with curiosity as Yoshika worked. When it was over, the gloves were still unfinished, and the pattern was still abstract. However, now Yoshika had a direction to go in—something to build on.

Only—she looked at Heian and sighed—she had no idea how to get more of that magical essence. It had been a spur of the moment thing, and she doubted that she could easily engineer it a second time. Moreover, her relationship with Heian was only one piece of the greater tapestry of her bonds of love and friendship. She would need to similarly represent each of her friends, and even the bond she shared with herself—the relationship between Jia and Eui. Yet even as incomplete as they were, the gloves seemed to call out to her, demanding some greater purpose.

Yoshika had just created her first artifact.