Chapter 8: 80. Regrets

Jia and Eui excused themselves from the laboratory and went home with a heavy silence hanging over them. Heian had returned to her soulscape, leaving the girls alone to deal with the revelation that Do Hye had given them.

On some level, Jia had known that their cultivation was leading them towards something like what the Grand Magus described—Yoshika was already evidence of that. She hadn’t given it any deeper thought, however, and she hadn’t considered anything as dramatic as being permanently transformed into some kind of gestalt between herself and Eui.

She was beginning to understand why they had been repeatedly warned away from cultivating this way. They hadn’t understood the ramifications of what they were getting into, and they had committed themselves to it anyway. They had only seen the immediate advantages—which had been significant—and gotten swept up in the idea of their new friendship.

Now, Jia was having second thoughts. How couldn’t she? She had been prepared to spend the rest of her life in a partnership with Eui, and that hadn’t changed, but this was so much more than she could have imagined. It wasn’t just about being together or sharing everything—what Do Hye implied was that both of them would become the other.

Jia remembered the moment when Yoshika had been tempted to let the demonic core absorb her soul, and it terrified her. She had understood at the time that doing so would transform her into something greater, but that something would no longer be Eui or Jia. Now, she feared that the same fate awaited them if they continued as they were.

The most confusing part for Jia was that Eui didn’t share her concerns. That was what had caused Yoshika to split so suddenly. While Jia had been shocked and frightened at the revelation, Eui had immediately accepted it. It was almost a total reversal of roles from when they had first chosen to commit themselves to this path of joint cultivation. Back then, it had been Eui who agonized over the decision.

She didn’t understand how that was even possible. Shouldn’t Eui be even more worried about it? They couldn’t exactly carry on a relationship if they were the same person. How would that even work? Would she be in love with herself? That was a weirdly narcissistic thought, she realized, and wasn’t fair to Eui.

Jia slapped herself on both cheeks, causing Eui to jump in surprise. She gave Jia a questioning look.

“Are you alright? Why did you do that?”

Jia sighed, taking a deep breath to calm her turbulent thoughts.

“I was being stupid and needed to snap myself out of it. Also, I think I owe you an apology. My head went to some weird places.”

Eui snickered at her, shaking her head incredulously.

“You don’t need to apologize for thinking something, Jia. Everyone has weird ideas sometimes, especially when we’re working through complicated issues like this. Don’t worry about it.”

Jia didn’t get it. When they had met, Eui was a mess of self-loathing and depression—how was it that she was the level-headed one now? Jia slapped herself again, and Eui looked askance at her, causing Jia to blush and look away.

“S-sorry. I don’t think I like where my thoughts are going today—I’ve gotten way too arrogant lately. Why—no, how did you come to terms with this so quickly?”

Eui put her hands behind her head and looked up at the sky as she considered the question.

“I’m not really sure. I think I’ve just...already thought about it, I guess? I kind of guessed that our personalities were going to become less distinct—though I imagined that it would be because of the bleedthrough. And trust me, I had plenty of weird thoughts, myself. Some of which were extremely embarrassing, come to think of it.”

Eui’s face went bright red, and Jia found herself wondering what kind of dark secrets she was keeping behind that blush. She couldn’t bring herself to tease her about it, though.

“How are you okay with it, though? I keep trying to imagine it, but I just can’t grasp it. If I had known what it would mean back then...I don’t know if I would have made the same decision to follow this path.”

“Hmm, yeah it was pretty fucking stupid, wasn’t it?”

Jia elbowed Eui in the ribs.

“Be serious!”

“I am! I said it before, but that decision was completely reckless. If either of us had half a brain we’d have trusted Master Ienaga, but I was desperate and lonely, and that overrode my better judgement.”

Jia felt an ache in her chest as she processed Eui’s words. It hurt more than she’d expected to hear Eui say that.

“Do you regret it? Tying your cultivation to mine like this?”

Eui shook her head emphatically, and took Jia’s hand in hers, intertwining their fingers.

“No, Jia. Not even for a second. But that’s not the same as thinking that it was a smart, rational decision. I have to be honest with myself about why I chose the way I did. Thinking back on it—it was definitely a mistake. Do I regret it, though? No. I’d make the same decision again in a heartbeat.”

Jia chuckled ruefully.

“That’s a really weird mindset, but it’s very like you.”

“Well, excuse me for being weird. What about you? Do you regret it?”

Jia frowned as she considered it. She could feel Eui’s uneasiness as she hesitated, and squeezed her hand reassuringly.

“I don’t think I believe in regrets. I don’t think I can confidently say that I’d make the same decision like you—but I don’t regret the fact that I did. The more I think about it, there’s no point fretting about it. The decision has been made, and there’s no changing it now. Even if there was—I wouldn’t.”

Eui snickered, squeezing Jia’s hand back.

“Then what are you so worried about, dummy? You’ve made your decision, you don’t regret it, and you wouldn’t change it. So why concern yourself with the consequences? We’ll deal with whatever happens to us when it happens, and we’ll do it together, right?”

Jia nodded, feeling a bit relieved.

“You’re right. I let myself get too caught up in my own head. Maybe Magus Hwang is right, I don’t think we’re doing ourselves any favors by clinging to the last vestiges of privacy we have from each other.”

Eui blushed and scratched her cheek.

“Uh...privacy of thought is pretty hard to let go of, not gonna lie. I’m not against the idea of trying to work through stuff together—maybe even as Yoshika—but it might get...really awkward.”

Jia’s blush matched Eui’s as she realized what Eui was talking about.

“W-well, it’s not like I didn’t already know how you felt—I’m sure I can handle it.”

Besides, as they returned home hand-in-hand with matching blushes, Jia found herself thinking that maybe being in a relationship wouldn’t be so bad, if this was what it was like.

 

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Jia stared down at her gloved hand, the silver-studded knuckles stood out against the black and red pattern of the glove itself—she had ended up trading with Eui after all. It wasn’t very practical as a weapon, and it didn’t really look good as a fashion accessory, either. Yue had been quick to point out that it clashed terribly with the green and gold of her uniform.

She wasn’t wearing it for no reason—Murayoshi had finally scheduled a second class. After everything that had happened the previous month, Jia had nearly forgotten the pair of leather gloves that she and Eui had spent two weeks and a small fortune creating. She felt a little bit bad about that, but it’s not like they would have helped her, and they felt too important to just wear casually.

She thought that Murayoshi had forgotten, too. Apparently a few students had tried approaching him directly after finishing their projects, but he had simply shooed them away—if he didn’t just flat-out ignore them. Then, without any fanfare, another class appeared on the weekly schedule. Jia could hardly believe it at first, but she was determined not to miss it. Maybe Murayoshi would even be able to shed some light on spirit familiars for her—though she doubted he’d be interested in fielding her questions.

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Yan Yue had come along as well, despite the fact that she hadn’t bothered to make anything. Jia supposed that she was just taking advantage of a chance to leave the house, and couldn’t really blame her for that. Her insights had been pretty valuable during the previous lesson, and Jia had to respect the girl’s talent for cultivation, even if she found her repulsive as a person.

Eui didn’t hide her resentment at all, openly scowling at Yue as they made their way to the smithy.

“Could you maybe walk further away? Preferably behind us so I don’t have to look at you.”

“Eu—Miss An, you’re being completely unreasonable! We’re barely a month into our house arrest, and if we’re to survive the rest of the year we’re going to need to learn to get along. Jia, you’ve always been the smart one—you agree with me, right?”

Jia did agree with Yan Yue. They were probably going to have to make amends with Yan Yue at some point or they were bound to end up tearing each other apart.

“She’s right, Eui, you are being unreasonable...”

Eui’s eyebrows rose incredulously, and Yan Yue began to smile, but Jia pressed on before either of them could respond.

“Yue should walk ahead of us. I don’t trust her not to stab us in the back if she’s out of sight.”

Yue’s face fell as Eui cackled maniacally.

“Hahaha! Good point, Jia! I didn’t think of that. You really are the smart one!”

Yue threw her arms up in exasperation and huffed irritably as she strode several paces ahead.

“There! Is this sufficiently non-threatening? Should I tie my hands as well? Perhaps a gag? I can no longer use the advanced techniques of the Dreaming Moon, but you can’t be too careful around a first stage cultivator like me.”

Jia ignored the venomous sarcasm dripping from Yue’s every word and simply shrugged.

“That will do for now. We can discuss those other measures later.”

Yue scowled and crossed her arms sullenly while Eui continued to cackle at her. They could make amends with Yue another day—or just take the ‘tear each other apart’ option. That sounded good too.

 

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Murayoshi’s smithy was as cacophonous as Jia remembered it. The grandmaster smith himself was in his usual place, hammering away on some project or another. The ringing sound of his hammer pounding away on the piece of metal against his anvil was loud enough that she thought it would drown out her thoughts, but a second echoing rhythm had joined the first to turn the sound into a headache-inducing cacophony.

Guan Yi was in a corner of the smithy, with his own anvil and a much smaller furnace—operated by a formation similar to the stove that Jia was familiar with. Like Murayoshi, he had shed the upper half of his uniform robes, letting it hang down around his waist as he worked on what looked like the head of one of the signature polearms he favored. His muscular chest was glistening with sweat as he worked, and Jia couldn’t help but be impressed at his physique—had he gotten even more muscular?

Jia caught Yue staring at Guan Yi’s shirtless chest with a faint pinkness on her normally pale features that Jia didn’t think was makeup. Hmm. Was that what girls normally liked, or was it just Yue? Well, good for her, either way—Jia liked Guan Yi as a friend, but she didn’t really see the appeal. Then again, when she thought about it, Jia had absolutely no idea what she found attractive in a partner—she wasn’t in the habit of looking at people that way.

As before, Murayoshi ignored the scheduled start time entirely and ignored the small gathering of students while he worked. Without any idea how long they’d be waiting, Jia decided to greet her friends. She didn’t bother Guan with more than a wave, which he acknowledged with a nod before returning to his work. Rika, Eunae, Dae, and Yuuko were sitting together, and Jia moved to join them.

She was surprised to see Yuuko among them, but when she thought back on it, she might have been among the students that had been here for Murayoshi’s first lesson. Yuuko waved excitedly as they approached and greeted them with a surprisingly bubbly tone.

“Miss L—I mean, Jia! It’s good to see you! I’m glad to see you’ve recovered. You too, An. And—”

Yuuko’s eyes narrowed as they fell on Yan Yue, and her tone grew icy.

“What is she doing here?”

Yue looked affronted.

“What!? We’ve never even met! What problem could you possibly have with-OOF!”

Yuuko’s strike was almost too fast for Jia to follow as she lunged forward and punched Yue in the face. There were a few shocked gasps as Yue went sprawling to the ground, clutching her cheek. Yuuko glared down at her balefully.

“Never met!? I was there last month, you idiot! You knocked me unconscious with that technique of yours and then tricked me into thinking you were on Jia’s side!”

Yue didn’t bother to stand, instead curling into a fetal position, still clutching her cheek where she’d been struck, her voice was nasally as she responded.

“It—it wasn’t a trick! I covered your escape with illusions so that you could bring Hayakawa’s aid. Without which, all would have been lost. I already lost my cultivation—eighteen years of training—for my involvement in last month’s incident. What more do you people want from me!? How—hic—how am I supposed to make amends?”

Yan Yue curled up on the ground and sobbed, and no matter how uncharitable Jia wanted to be, she didn’t seem to be faking it. Looking back on the last month, for all her complaining—and the fights she got into with Eui—Yan Yue had always been the first to back off in an argument. She’d taken care of the garden without a word of complaint, and had essentially made her entire supply of gold freely available for Jia and Eui to use. Even just today, though she had complained about it, she had still acquiesced when asked to distance herself from them while walking to class.

Seeing her now, clutching a swollen cheek and quietly sobbing on the ground...it occurred to Jia that they might have been bullying Yue too much. She hadn’t really considered just how much Yue had lost or what it meant to her, and she had been quick to dismiss Yue’s attempts to make amends—mostly because she was so bad at it. Jia grimaced as she realized that without her cultivation, Yue was essentially helpless against them and they were taking advantage of it.

Suddenly, all Jia could see was her own past. Did she want to become like Tae In-Su, who had ordered her beaten and thrown out of the city without a second thought? Was she the sort of person who would have oppressed and bullied her old self? Jia didn’t want to believe that she was.

“Yuuko, that was too far. Eui, stop laughing and heal her, please.”

Eui raised an eyebrow at Jia, but something about Jia’s expression gave her pause and she nodded, bending down to reach out towards Yue. Yan Yue slapped her hand away and rose, wiping at her eyes and sniffing indignantly.

“I don’t need your pity! And I no longer want your forgiveness! At this point, I will be satisfied if you could find it within yourself to simply leave me alone!”

Yue turned and stormed off—though, not very far. She sat alone on the corner of one of the stone benches, well away from anyone else and stared forward sullenly. Yuuko glanced nervously between Yue and Jia.

“Uh...s-sorry about that. I hope I haven’t caused you any problems. I was just annoyed that she forgot about me and—”

Jia raised her hand to stop Yuuko and shook her head.

“It’s not your fault. Though maybe don’t be so quick to resort to violence next time.”

Yuuko chuckled sheepishly and scratched the back of her head. Before she could respond, however, they were all startled by a sudden, sharp whistle.

Grandmaster Murayoshi had stopped his work and was scowling at them, as if their presence had completely ruined his day. His bellow was loud enough that it could have been heard over the din of his smithy, if it hadn’t already halted.

“If yer done wastin’ my damn time wit’ yer schoolyard scraps, let’s git on wit’ the lesson, eh!?”

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