Chapter 1: Welcome to FBI

(Lucas's pov)

My name is Lucas Cook. Age 24. An ordinary American citizen with a minor obsession, according to some.

As long as I remember, I have always admired FBI agents. That's why I decided to be one in the future. I studied and trained, abandoning all of my social life just to fulfill this one goal. I was determined and focused, and thanks to that, I was standing in front of one of many headquarters, ready for my first day at work.

I can't stop myself from smiling. There are many memes surrounding the FBI, but deep down inside, I know that they are a serious organi-

*BAAM*

Something, or rather someone, flew out of the door past me and crashed into trash bins.

"Ha?"

What just happened? I should probably check on the person that, I assume, was thrown, but before I could even start walking toward him, he stood up, throwing up the bins high in the air.

"What the hell, you violent woman!!!? Just because I kissed you on the cheek to cheer you up because you were feeling down doesn't mean that you can kick me!!!"

It was a man with medium-length blond hair and some piercing in his ears. He looked like a typical playboy, to be honest.

"And how many times do I need to tell you to not kiss me, you asshole!!!? It's bad enough working with you but I also need to endure your flirting. The worst part is that you are not even that good at it!"

That left the man shocked and offended.

"How dare you! I had plenty of girlfriends in my life!"

The short-haired brunette crossed her arms and raised her eyebrow.

"Name one."

"..."

The man didn't say anything. He opened his mouth a few times, but no words came out until he found his answer.

"Your mother." He looked so proud and smug because of his response.

Unfortunately for him, the woman didn't find it humorous.

"Wrong answer." She then launched at him and proceeded to beat the shit out of him.

Seeing the brutality in front of my eyes, I decided to ignore it, and hopefully, she will ignore me as well.

"Wait." She said while she was holding the playboy without a game up in the air with one arm by the neck.

Mission failed.

It's regrettable that my first day at my dream job will be my last.

"Your name."

"Lucas Cook."

"Are you the newbie that was expected to come today?"

I nodded.

She threw away the man and started walking towards me.

"My name is Nellie Meyers, and I will be your senior, just like that asshole over there." She pointed at the 'corpse'. "He is David Brooks and, unfortunately, is in the same division as both of us."

"Shouldn't you introduce yourself as agent Meyers then?" I asked. "From what I know, that's the procedure."

"Huh!? And why would I do that!? Do I get a raise if I do that? If not, I don't care. Now, if you don't have any other stupid questions, then let's go, rookie!"

"Y-yes!"

She is kinda scary...

---

We went inside the building, and I was ecstatic. I don't know how many times I imagined how this moment would go, and to be honest, I didn't expect it to start with a man flying out of this very building. I'm also not sure if I witnessed a murder, but I'll believe in my senior. She is, after all, an agent and wouldn't kill someone in broad daylight.

Now that I think about it, I didn't check what division I was going to be part of. I was too excited about getting accepted and spent a lot of time celebrating... alone.

"Excuse me, Ms. Meyers, but which division are we part of?"

She looked at me with a weird expression. From what I learned about reading people, she thinks I'm an idiot. I didn't have the opportunity to test this knowledge before, though.

"Are you an idiot?" Yes, I was right! "And why are you happy about being called one? Are you also a masochist? We don't need another one."

I scratched the back of my head.

"Sorry about that. You are a lovely lady Ms. Meyers, but I don't enjoy being abused by anyone. I was just happy about guessing your expression. Also, I'm not an idiot. I graduated at the top of my class."

"...At least you can talk normally to people without pissing them off. To answer your question, though, it will need to wait. You'll be in for a surprise." She isn't wrong. "Also, be prepared for everything."

I was from the day becoming an agent became my dream.

We went to an elevator to go underground.

Is this a secret base? Please let it be a secret base!

I had practically stars in my eyes as I imagined how the insides would look like.

Ms. Meyers looked at me weirdly the whole time.

Soon we reached our destination, and the elevator doors opened, revealing... a normal office with not-so-normal people.

Calling it chaos would be an understatement.

I witnessed a pair of twins wrestling, some man speaking German as people around him listened carefully, a woman doing make-up as she was sitting on someone, and the man under her was wearing a latex mask, and I swear I could hear him breathing heavily.

This... wasn't what I expected.

Am I disappointed? I don't know yet. It didn't hit me just yet.

As I was lamenting, an old man with a very famous mustache walked up to me and showed me his badge.

"Agent Hitler, FBI!"

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I looked at Ms. Meyers, asking if this is real.

"Don't worry about it. That's the only thing he says. We suspect he has dementia, but we never got it confirmed. The only doctor here speaks only german, so no one understands him."

That's not the real Adolf Hitler, is it? I know that he died, but he looks similar. Besides, he would be dead even if the theories about him surviving and escaping Berlin, so I assume that he is just lookalike.

The German-speaking man walked up to us as well and started talking to Hitler-looking old man.

"Mein Führer, warum sprechen Sie mit diesen Bauern? Sie müssen sich darauf konzentrieren, Ihren Verstand wiederzuerlangen, aber machen Sie sich keine Sorgen, dass der Plan bald abgeschlossen sein wird."

I turned to Ms. Meyers.

"What did he say?"

"I don't know. No one does. There's not a single person that speaks German in our division. That's Medic, by the way. We don't know his real name, so that's what we call him, as he is the one that takes care of our injuries. He is also known for his kind heart."

"Ich hasse Sie alle und ich kann Ihren unvermeidlichen Tod kaum erwarten."

"What a beautiful language he is speaking. I'm sure that he wished us a nice day."

I don't know why but I think he said something entirely different.

"Well, let's not stay in one place. I'm going to introduce you to most of the squad."

Ms. Meyers led me first to the woman sitting on a man. She had long red hair, a pair of quite big breasts, and red lipstick that she had applied not long ago. She also was wearing high heels, unlike Ms. Meyers.

I hoped that we would skip her.

"That right here is Melissa Long and-"

She was interrupted by Ms or Mrs. Long.

"That's alright darling, I can introduce myself." She turned to me. "As little Nellie said moments ago, my name is Melissa Long, and this little doggy under me is called Chris Barnes, but we all call him Rocky."

"The only one who calls him that is you." Ms. Meyers chirped in.

"Is that so? But he prefers being called Rocky, isn't that right, Rocky?"

She started petting him and scratching behind his ears.

"Woof, Woof, Woof!"

The man started barking happily.

"See, he loves his name. Going back to our cute little rookie here. Here's a present for becoming part of our squad."

She gave me a lip balm.

"Girls hate dry lips, so keep one on you at all times." She winked at me.

"OK, Let's go! We don't have a whole day."

Ms. Meyers dragged me away from Mrs. Long. I'll call her Mrs from now on.

As we were heading to the main office, where I assumed, the Executive assistant director was sitting.

We were, however, stopped by the twins.

"Hey, you! Stop right there! Tell us who is better at flexing their muscles!"

"That's right! Tell him that I'm better!"

"What did you say!?"

They slammed each other foreheads against each other.

"Just ignore them..." Ms. Meyers advised me, but we couldn't get away before the door to the office slammed open.

"What is this motherfucking ruckus about. Did you forget how to behave as normal human beings again!!?"

A Samuel L. Jackson lookalike stepped outside the office.

I was left speechless by that, and that caught his attention.

"Do I have anything on my face!?"

"What?" I was surprised by him addressing me.

He drew out a gun and pointed it at my forehead.

"Say 'What' again!!!"

I raised my hands, hoping that he won't shoot me.

"Calm down, Director. You're scaring rookie."

"Rookie?" He stared at me and what it felt like trying to make a hole in me.
"Was it today? Shit, I completely forgot. Nothing I can't do about now. My name is Samuel R. Jackson, and I'm the director of this division." He reached out his hand for me to shake.

"Lucas Cook, a pleasure to meet you. By any chance are you related to Samuel L. Jackson?"

This question caused him to pull out his gun again.

"Never, and I say never say that man's name in front of me. Are we clear?"

He threatened me with a gun once more, so I nodded my head vigorously.

"Good. Then I welcome you to FBI - lolicon division!"

What did I get into?

---

END

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