Chapter 80: Book 2 – Chapter 10b

"You're not having any fun, are you?"

 

Toshi was sitting at a table by the ice cream stand that was near the entrance to the zoo. Across from him was Madoka who was dressed in casual Abercrombie A Bank. She looked nice, smiled nice, was very polite, thoughtful, respectful, and in every way the perfect date. She had taken Toshi off guard when they went to the zoo. He was expecting dinner and movie, or a party thrown by her friends. He was not expecting this slow-paced, low-impact style of date. He was expecting Madoka to be far more demanding or aggressive or at least have her head up her ass, but no. No, despite all his expectations, it was a perfectly normal date to a perfectly normal location with all the perfectly normal expected outcomes.

 

Because it was so normal, Toshi was tense as Hell.

 

Unfortunately, it showed. Madoka wasn't upset or anything. She just spoke aloud an observation about Toshi that was completely true and it took him completely off guard. He was in the middle of sucking on the straw in his cherry slushy, so his wide eyes looking back at her was more than a little comical. Madoka tried to stay serious, but wound up covering her mouth and laughing into her fist, "Sorry."

 

Toshi put down his slushy and frowned, "Is it that obvious?" Madoka took a deep breath, "Yes. Yes it is." Toshi looked at his slushy, "Sorry. Don't mean to bring everything down." Madoka raised an eyebrow, "Well, it might help if you actually relaxed and tried to have some fun." Toshi looked up, "Huh?" Madoka sipped on her own slushy, blue raspberry, "You worried someone is going to attack you? or I'm going to attack you?" Toshi blinked and pulled his head back with a curled lip, "What? NO." He glanced around, "It's not that."

 

Madoka nodded slowly, "So. What is it?"

 

Toshi looked off into the distance, then turned back, "I... don't get things." Madoka nodded, "Your sister mentioned that." Toshi shook his head, "No. You don't get it. I don't get things." He paused, "An elderly woman the other day was driving the bus the other day and as I was getting on, she said, 'Watch your step, little lord'." Madoka nodded, "Okay..." Toshi scrunched up his lips for a moment, "I wanted to punch her face in." Madoka blinked and blinked hard, "Excuse me?"

 

Toshi waved his hand in the air, "I get it. I get it. But how'd you like it if I went around saying, 'Hey, little lady'?" Madoka squinted for a second, "Uh... it would... sound strange, I guess. But I wouldn't want to punch you." Toshi nodded, "At first, sure. But what about if everyone started saying it? Not all the time. Not every day, but every once in a while, out of the blue, when you let your guard down and forgot about it, someone said, "How's it going, little lady'? Just... a slow... relentless... tick tick tick tick tick tick tick..."

 

Madoka thought for a second, "Okay... that would get annoying after a while." Toshi nodded, "Good. Now imagine EVERYTHING in your entire world is like that. All the words everyone says is slightly wrong. Every single chair is two inches too tall. Everything is off center... but only a little bit." He picked up his drink, "Nobody else notices because it's normal. Everyone else sees the world as normal, but you don't. You know you are the problem. You know YOU are the square peg in a round hole and maybe the round hole is big enough to fit a square peg..." He held up his cherry slushy to the light and inwardly sighed at how pink it was, "But you are still a square in a world of round pegs."

 

Madoka looked thoughtful, "I... can see how that might make you tense." She uncrossed her legs to look down at her chair and wobbled it a bit, "The chair seems to be the usual height to me." She crossed her legs the other way, "But I guess it is a matter of perspective."

 

Toshi snorted as he put down his drink, "You keep track of the latest outrage?" Madoka shook her head, "No." Toshi pointed at Madoka's legs, "Femspreading." Madoka raised an eyebrow, "Huh?" Toshi shrugged, "Opening and closing your legs. It's a way of oppressing men by drawing attention to your crotch." Madoka looked down for a second then back up, "I'm sorry I-" Toshi cut her off with a wave of the hand, "No no no. It doesn't exist. You know why you sit with your legs crossed like that?"

 

Madoka tilted her head to the side, "Uh... it's comfortable?" Toshi nodded, "Yes. But WHY?" Madoka shrugged, "No idea. Care to explain?" Toshi nodded, "Chairs used to be, on average, about two inches shorter. Back before the industrial revolution, all chairs were custom made by hand, so they were usually the right hight for the craftsman who made the chair, in that case, women."

 

Madoka nodded, "Okay. Makes sense." Toshi gestured, "Ever see an old time painting where a man and a woman are sitting next to each other? The man usually sits with his feet under the chair, sticking way out, or his knees spread." Madoka looked thoughtful, "Uh... yeah." Yoshi started talking with his hands, "When a chair is too short for a man, there is no support for his knees, so they naturally fall to the sides, but that's uncomfortable, so they would usually stick their feet under the chair, or sometimes tilt the chair back." Madoka tilted her head to the side, "This is actually fascinating. I really want to see where you go with this."

 

Toshi smirked, "Well put on your tinfoil hat, because shiz gonna get realz, yo." Madoka blinked, "Uhh..." Toshi shook his head, "A joke. Never mind. Anyways, industrial revolution and next thing you know, we have mass production of furniture. Everyone needs chairs. However, who buys the chairs?" Madoka shrugged. Toshi rolled his eyes, "Men. Women make the money, hand the money to their husbands, the husbands go spend the money." Madoka nodded, "Okay. I can see that." Toshi rolled his hand in the air, "So, since chairs are mass produced and have to be standardized and you want to make the most appealing chair-"

 

Madoka interrupted, "You raise the height of the average chair two inches because the ones buying the chairs are taller than the ones making the money." She looked like this actually was a bit of an eye opener. Toshi touched the tip of his nose, "Exactly. The average height of chairs go up to appeal to the ones who spend the money." He gestured to Madoka's legs, "So your legs dangle and you cross them to alleviate the pressure. Because that only works so long, you cross and uncross your legs periodically." Madoka looked down at her legs, "I never thought about that."

 

Toshi nodded, "You suffer so men can have properly sized chairs and yet, meninists out there raise up the non-issue that women cross and uncross their legs, which wouldn't happen in the FIRST PLACE, if the world wasn't set up to be convenient for men." Madoka blinked, "I... well... I want to argue with you, but I honestly can't see a flaw in the argument. I-" She paused then stared at Toshi, "You think about stuff like this all the time?"

 

Toshi nodded, "Yeah. Stuff like this stands out all the time. I can't help but notice it. AND IT IS SO ANNOYING." He sighed, "It's why I'm so tense. It is because I don't understand what everyone else thinks. People don't make sense! I don't know what is socially acceptable, and sometimes if I let my guard down, my feelings get away from me and I do something stupid, or I just do something I think is normal and it turns out to be stupid." He snorted and shook his head ruefully.

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 "Like going on a date and rambling for ten minutes about the historical context of chair elevation and the effect it has on modern gender politics."

 

Madoka nodded and pushed a knuckle up under her nose while she thought, "I... think I get it." She tilted her head to look at Toshi, "Thanks." Toshi blinked, "What?" She smiled and pointed down, "For thinking about me." Toshi blinked, then blushed a little as he looked away, "I... err... it was just an example." Madoka nodded, "I'm sure. Well, I'm glad it's not entirely my fault, but... is there any way I could get you to... I don't know... have some fun?"

 

Toshi looked at Madoka, "If I let my guard down, I might... I dunno. Do something really offensive to everyone without realizing it and ruin the date." Madoka nodded, "So instead of risking the possibility of ruining the date, you will make sure to ruin the date by having absolutely no fun what-so-ever." Toshi frowned, "I-" He then closed his mouth. He stared at the table between them for a while, "I used to be much better at pretending to have fun. When did I lose that ability?"

 

Madoka let out a bark of laughter, "Seriously? You aren't worried about having fun, you are worried about being able to APPEAR to be having fun?" Toshi snapped his gaze up and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He rubbed his face then muttered, "It sounds stupid when you put it that way." She shook her head, "I have never met a boy who worked so hard to contain himself." She stood up, walked over, then offered a hand to Toshi, "C'mon." He looked puzzled, then took her hand, "What?" She pulled him to his feet, "Just come on." She started to walk off with purpose, practically pulling Toshi along, "Where are we going?" Madoka replied, "Shh. Surprise."

 

Madoka pulled Toshi off to the more conventional side of the zoo that seemed to be geared towards little children. She made a bee line for the petting zoo. There were few children in the pen among the large number of bunnies. Madoka lead Toshi inside and walked over to a tree. Very deliberately she sat Toshi down on a bench in the shade of a tree, "I think this is the best view." She held up a finger, "Stay." She abruptly walked off. Toshi just sat there and watched. Madoka returned with a bunny and put it Toshi's lap, "Pet the bunny." Toshi rolled his eyes, "Seriously?" She sighed and leveled a flat gaze at him. He sighed as well, "Fine. I'll pet the bunny." Toshi did indeed start to pet the bunny.

 

Madoka sat next to Toshi, "Guess what?" Toshi looked at Madoka out of the corner of his eye, "Wut?" She smiled while pointing at the bunny, "This is a magic bunny." Toshi seemed rather skeptical of this, "Oh really? How so?" Madoka pointed at the bunny, "This bunny doesn't care in the slightest if you do something stupid." Toshi's face went blank as he slowly looked down. Madoka nodded, "Yup. And you know what else?" Toshi looked up, "Wut?" Madoka reassuringly patted Toshi's hand, "Neither do I."

 

Deep inside Toshi's head there is a small box.

 

This box is where Toshi pushes down every feeling he doesn't have time for. Every inconvenient emotion he had ever experienced for months now have been, one by one, crushed down and packed ever tighter into this little box. It was a box where he stored all his frustration, all his pain, all his fear and anger that he needed to put aside so he could focus on adapting to this new world. Toshi had been packing that box tighter and tighter, never pausing to ever let off the pressure. The more he packed into the box, the worse it was going to be, so he put off opening the box, just one more time... and another time after that... and another time after that...

 

The small box finally opened a crack.

 

Toshi froze, his gaze locked on Madoka. As they stared at each other, he eventually blinked causing a tear to roll down his cheek. Madoka's smile suddenly vanished as Toshi started to shake, "Hey, you okay?" She'd seen crying boys before, but this didn't look like one of her father's histrionic breakdowns, or a boyfriend using emotional blackmail. It wasn't like a child who skinned their knee, or someone trying to get sympathy. Toshi started to breathe heavily through his nose. His gaze turned down to the bunny as he struggled to keep himself under control. Everything went blurry as his eyes filled up tears and silently fell onto soft, white fur. Toshi clenched his jaw tight as he tried oh-so-hard to wipe the tears away, both from his face and the rabbit in his lap, but his hands trembled far too much to keep up.  Madoka was worried she had really screwed up as she put a hand on Toshi's shoulder to try reassure him.

 

It is hard to describe how heartbreaking it is to hear someone wail in anguish when they cannot allow themselves to open their mouth to let it out.  Words fail when you try to relate what it is like to witness someone who is obviously in pain, but so trapped by their own self-image that cannot express it. To witness someone who sees the embarrassment of being weak in public to be far worse than letting others know they are in agony. That is what Madoka saw and she had no idea what to do, so she did the only thing she could think of. She pulled Toshi into a hug.

 

 

With shudders he could barely suppress, Toshi wept silently into her neck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

While he hoped the world could not see.

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