Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Katabasis

Gwendolin

Beeeep! Beep! Beeeep! Beep!

I groaned as the pounding beat of the alarm jerked me awake. A shame, I had been having a pleasant dream. My hand clumsily thudded and searched until finally I felt the familiar shape of my phone and pulled it close. My grogginess cleared in a flash as I realized that today was the day. 

Three long months working for my new employer and finally my probation would be over. Full employee, healthcare, a bump in pay; it was all happening. I took a sip of water as I hummed a little, pulling up an app on my phone to run through my morning exercises. I spoke a few phrases while focusing on how I sounded until everything was as good as I could get it. The app played back the recording and while it wasn’t perfect, the voice lessons were paying off. It didn’t sound like a girl to me, not yet, but it was closer and that was good. 

I hummed some more while brushing my teeth and putting on my uniform. It was a bit silly to have a uniform for a call center job, but this place was very particular about appearances sometimes. Thankfully, they didn’t seem to mind my longer hair, so long as I kept it tied back. I carefully shaved my face and applied some very subtle makeup, just enough to smooth out my features and cover up any shadow. An androgynous face looked back at me as I inspected myself. Light brown hair pulled back into a neat ponytail, pale green eyes peering past carefully cleaned glasses, a cute button nose that had gotten me mocked in high school, and freckles dusting my cheeks. Everything was where it should be. 

I smiled. “Soon that face is going to be even cuter. Today is the day. All you gotta do is ace the performance review and make it to the clinic. You can do this, Gwen.” It always felt a little silly to give myself a pep talk in the morning, but it seemed to help. A little trick from one of the gals in my ‘book club’. I looked forward to the day when I didn’t have to hide so much, but this was a small town and people talked. People who weren’t very keen on people like me. Safety first, Gwen. 

I would make it early to work if I left right now, so I dashed to my pantry to grab a bagel and zoomed out the door of my tiny apartment. The sun was shining gently through the clouds and the cool winds of spring blew through my hair as I set off on my bike. One of the few nice things about this town was the abundance of flowers all along the streets, especially in the spring. I giggled a little as I snagged a little white flower from a nearby bush and tucked it in my hair. Nothing could ruin this day!

 

****

 

The sickening coil of dread rising up from my guts and wrapping tight around my throat made my earlier thoughts feel like mockery. My manager’s office was empty, I’d arrived early, but scattered on his desk were papers and pictures, the latter of which were all too familiar. Pictures of me at a convention out of town, dressed as the girl I was. Some of the papers were readable from where I stood and they were collections of comments from my local church (that I hadn’t attended since I was sixteen), people I grew up with, teachers, and most damning: my parents. 

My hands clenched tight as my mouth dried up and I felt like my nerves were fraying apart. Where did he get all this? When did he get all this? Was this going to affect my review? Why would he have pictures like this?

Heavy footfalls alerted me to my manager’s approach. I stepped back to make it look like I had just arrived, keeping my eyes away from the items on the desk. I checked my appearance once more, pulling the flower from my hair and stuffing it into my pocket with a snarl. Get it together, Gwen. You don’t know what this means yet. It could be nothing! Your work performance has been stellar, he has no reason to keep you on probation.

Peering out the door, I saw him approaching. Tall, stocky in the way of former athletes turned desk jockeys, dressed in an impeccable suit and with that short haircut that screamed ‘I’m a pillar of my local church’, Mr. Billings was the opposite of everything I aspired to be. He was polite, but in a way that always felt foreboding when you talk to him. Still, until now, he had always seemed to like me. I shot him a carefully crafted smile and he gave me that wry little grin that white men of a certain leaning love so much. I pulled back into the room and took a seat in one of the plush chairs facing his desk as he walked in. 

“Good to see you, Haven. I hope I haven’t kept you waiting too long, I know you are eager for this review.” 

I nodded, maintaining that smile as he took a seat and placed the items on the desk into a binder, showing no sign that anything was out of place. “Of course, Mr. Billings. It’s a pleasure to be working here and I hope my performance has been to your satisfaction.” 

“Well, son–” 

Son? That was new. New wasn’t good.
“Your performance has indeed been exactly what we look for here at Cavalry Corp, but I’m afraid there are some… irregularities in your background check. Now, young man, I know this is a day and age where young folks like yourself like to express yourself in ways that a man my age finds confusing. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve got no problems with it. What you do is your business, between you and God. But–”

Oh, there it is. The But. That wasn’t good at all.
“Y’see, there have been some rather… unsettling rumors about you. At first, I discounted them. You’ve always been a fine young man in your time here with us and I dreaded to think that these rumors could be connected at all to someone such as yourself. But, well, it has been brought to my attention that you’ve been seen in public wearing attire that is not at all appropriate for a boy like you.” 

My mouth ached as my teeth ground together. The pompous ass, he was dragging this out. Spit it out already. “I’m sorry, Mr. Billings, but are you referring to the outfit I wore to a convention? That was something of a lost bet on my part, you know how guys can be.” 

Immediately, I knew something was wrong with the way his face darkened for a moment, his teeth set in a thin angry line, before he plastered that fake smile on top of it again. How civilized. 

 

“Son, if it was a one time thing, I wouldn’t have even brought it up. However, it has come to my attention that this is something of a habit for you. I don’t know what kind of games you like to play in your spare time and I’ve no interest in knowing more. Unfortunately, Mr. Haven, this is a family establishment. I’m afraid this violates our employee handbook on the necessity of adhering to a Christ-like appearance. I’m sorry son, truly, but it is out of my hands.”

No. Not this, anything but this.
“You’re fired. Please come with me to pick up your things and I’ll need you to turn over your badge. I’ll be sure to give you a glowing reference anywhere else you want to work, but you can’t work here. You understand, don’t you?” 

Sure, salve your conscience old man. Tell yourself this was for the good of your company. Justify that bigotry. 

Deep breaths, Gwen. Deep breaths. In and out. 

“Yes, Mr. Billings. I understand.” 

Well, at least the rest of my week just cleared up. Silver linings, right?

****

 

Hours later, I sat on a bench outside the local library, my bike chained up at the nearby rack. A couple of books sat in the basket, waiting to be returned. My face felt hot and wet with my embarrassment and tears. Everyone’s eyes had been on me as Mr. Billings escorted me out of the building. I could still hear their whispers, their ugly comments about what kind of horrid thing I must have done to fail a review by Billings, known for being one of the most forgiving managers in town. In their eyes, I had to have fucked up bad to fail the review, much less get fired. 

My phone beeped as my mother sent accusing message after message. Of course she’d found out. Half her church worked at Cavalry Corp. It was the nature of towns like this. Nothing was a secret for long. I ignored her like I had for the past several years and continued to cry. My calendar notification letting me know that my clinic appointment was in a half hour only added more pain to an already shitty day. 

No job, no hormones, no plan for the future now. Cavalry Corp was my last shot in town. The fuck was I going to do?

My phone beeped again, this time with a message from Brian.

BriGuy> Hey, Lin. I heard the news. I’ve got a couple hours between this job and the next one, I’ll swing by the library with some snacks. Fucking hell, man. I’m sorry.
I smiled a little. Brian was one of the only things that didn’t suck about this place. We’d been friends since we were kids and while the pressures of adulthood had seen us drift apart, he always had my back and I would always have his. 

LinInSin> Hey, Bri. That sounds pretty good, I’m there now. Get me some of those peach gummies, yeah? Today fucking sucked.
BriGuy> Don’t sweat it, dude. Someone offered to cover my shift tonight, you and I can sleep over like old times yeah? Snag a few books, break into the conference rooms upstairs, the works. You still like philly cheesesteaks? You aren’t still on your vegan kick are you?

LinInSin> Nah, I quit that back in college. Get me the works. I’ll see if conference room 27B is empty today. You think they ever found our sleeping bags in the ceiling tiles?

BriGuy> You kidding? Nobody has checked those rooms since they got rid of Ms. Lavender. She was the only one who gave a shit. 

LinInSin> Yeah… I miss her.
BriGuy> Me too, me too. Ah! Yeah, Joe is gonna cover me tonight, we are all set. See you in a half hour, dude. 

Brian and I hadn’t had a good chance to hang out since college, a year ago now. We used to be inseparable, but my inability to get on hormones after my parents kicked me off their healthcare in senior year had pushed me into a depressive spiral for a while. We’d lost touch. But it was good to hear from him. He probably wouldn’t appreciate hearing it directly, his family was old school about how men weren’t allowed to show feelings, but I missed him. He was a good guy from a shitty place, just like how I was a dork of a girl stuck in that shitty place alongside him. 

I slipped into the library and after nodding to the librarian at the front desk, made my way to the unisex bathrooms (one of the many wonderful features about this surprisingly nice library was unisex bathrooms on every level) and carefully rinsed the makeup and tear tracks off my face. On a whim, I pulled out the flower from my pocket and put it back in my hair. A little worse for wear, but still beautiful. I could still be beautiful, maybe. The thought brought a little smile to my face. 

I encountered nobody as I left the bathroom and wandered the stacks for a bit. The sun was slowly setting and it was a Wednesday evening, so most folks were at church. There were two massive walls of the building made up of windowpanes that ensured plenty of natural light and this was supplemented further by the gorgeous skylights of colored glass set in the ceiling. Most small-town libraries were simple affairs, but this one had been someone’s pet architecture project and they had gone a bit over budget in designing the place. There were some ingenious water features built into the walls and covered by glass to avoid moisture affecting the books that nonetheless filled the library with the soft sounds of water. The library had two main floors with the upper floor being open in the middle, its two pieces connected by a walkway that overlooked the stacks. The conference rooms were on one end of the upper level, with administrative offices on the other side. 

This time of year, nobody would be using those conference rooms for anything and they were tucked off to the side, so Brian and I would easily be able to crash there for the night, like we did when we were kids. I smiled a little at the thought of Ms. Lavender, our favorite librarian, catching us time and time again. She’d always wait until the day after and would appear in the morning, standing in the doorway with the light hitting her bright purple hair and her crescent moon earrings, making it hard to see the smug grin on her face as she pretended to be mad at us for breaking the rules yet again. 

I loved her like the big sister I never had. She had been the youngest of the librarians, ever eager to indulge in the imaginations and hunger for books that her youngest patrons brought. Teachers at school would always get you to read by trying to make it feel like a duty. Ms. Lavender always found exactly the book you needed at the time to fill you with wonder. And when I had my first inklings that I wasn’t like the other boys, she was the one who noticed and talked to me privately, helping me sort through my feelings and letting me know that I wasn’t alone. That I was like her. 

 

And sadly, that was the reason she eventually got let go from the library. Someone in town got wind that her and her ‘best friend’ were more than just gal pals and got a petition signed to run her out of town. I’d never forget the sad look she gave me and Brian on her last day and the little pink, white, and blue flag pin she had pressed into my hands before leaving. 

That same pin greeted me after I made my way into the conference room and pulled a stepstool over to pry open the ceiling tiles. There was a little collection of treasures up there, nothing heavy, just a few things it wasn’t safe for me to keep anywhere else. This room’s collection was all mine; Brian kept his things in another room and we had somehow wordlessly agreed years ago that neither of us would pry into the other’s stuff. 

I left the pin where it was and snagged the sleeping bags and some comfy pillows before returning the tiles and moving some of the tables around to clear space. The room itself had a nice little kitchenette, adjoining bathrooms, and plenty of comfy bean bags and chairs lying around. Most of the time, this room was used for movie clubs and after school activities, but school had ended last week and the summer events hadn’t started up just yet. The walls were festooned with motivational posters that reminded me of calmer days. Yeah, little kitten, I would hang in there. You watch me!

I jumped a little at the sound of a gentle knock at the door and looked at my phone to see Brian had texted me to tell me he was here. Opening the door, I was greeted by a wiry man with long black hair, pale blue eyes with dark bags under them, and a subtle grin on his face. He was wearing an oversized hoodie I recognized from high school and baggy khakis that covered up every inch of skin. He raised a couple bags in his hands.

“Permission to enter, O Lin of the Library?”

“Permission granted, my questing knight, provided you remembered my peach gummies.” 

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He chuckled. “Of course, O gracious liege, I have brought you the finest of gummies, crafted from real fake peach flavoring. And behold!” He set the bags down on the kitchenette counter and pulled out a couple of wrapped sandwiches. “A glorious treasure, hard won from the streets of far-off Philadelphia, to delight and sustain you, my liege.” 

“Fuck yeah, give it here! I haven’t had a good philly in months.” My mouth started to water at the smell of peppers and cheesesteak, sabotaging my ability to keep up the bit he had started. 

“There’s the smiling Lin I know. Sorry it took me awhile, dude, the line was horrible. But I got all the best snacks, we’ve got the whole night ahead of us, and I managed to sneak past Mrs. Crabtree as she was locking up. Wanna munch on the sandwiches and roam the stacks like old times?” 

I nodded and we walked slowly through the library, enjoying our meals. It had been so long since we last spent time together that an uneasy silence filled the space between us. Eventually, we tossed our trash and washed our hands before continuing to roam. I coughed quietly to break the tension. “So, Brian, how come I haven’t heard from you until now? I know you’ve been busy, but I haven’t had a single message from you since senior year of college.”

Brian winced and looked away, running his hand through his hair and failing to tuck his bangs behind his ears. “Fuck, with everything that went on that year, I guess I never told you. And then work piled up and the days all started bleeding together… I haven’t thought of anything that isn’t work or sleep for awhile. The only reason I knew to reach out to you today was because a coworker mentioned you. I guess her folks know your folks and got the news from your boss.”

 

He leaned against the stacks for a bit and I gave him some space, knowing that it sometimes took Brian a bit to organize his thoughts. He sighed deeply. “So, I don’t know if you would remember or not, but I was going to school on a scholarship and with funding from my folks. What you wouldn’t know is that during senior year, I found out that my college fund had been drained by my dad. He used it in some get rich quick scheme, thinking he could make a profit and put everything back before I noticed.” 

“Fuck, he did that?”

“Yeah. Sunk it all into some vaporware app that promised him the world. I had to drop out, my scholarship wasn’t enough to keep going. And it turns out–” Brian grimaced and clenched his teeth. “My dear mother got caught up in crypto mining at the same time. Burned out her work computer and got fired. Dad’s job wasn’t enough to keep them going so they made me go out and find work. One job wasn’t enough either, so I picked up a second. And that wasn’t enough, so I’m up to three jobs right now. Hell, I wouldn’t have had time to catch up with you, but someone offered to cover a shift for me tonight so I could get some rest.”

“Jeez, Brian, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” I put my hand on his shoulder and he stared into space for a bit before shaking his head and meeting looking back at me. 

“Don’t sweat it, Lin. S’not like you knew, and well… my problems aren’t your problems. Wasn’t anything you could have done anyway. I didn’t want to distract you from your studies, you were always the wonder student.” His smile was dripping with self-deprecation, which matched the heavy bags under his eyes and weariness in his gaze. “What happened with all that anyway? I was a bit surprised to hear you were working at the holy roller phone bank.”

Now it was my turn to grimace. Brian didn’t know I was trans, I’d never told him. How much could I say? Could I trust him not to react poorly? 

“It’s…a long story.” 

I thought back to what he was like when we used to hang out. Brian had never been the most macho of guys, which is probably why we got along. Just a couple of anti-social bookworms, spending all our time together gushing about the latest books Ms. Lavender would recommend to us. Looking back, it was a little funny that Brian had enjoyed those books as much as I did. Most of them were pretty girly and while it made sense that I liked them, Brian was a bit of a mystery. There was a time I had wondered if he might be like me, after we dressed up one Halloween and he had worn a very witchy outfit as a result of a lost bet. That was one of the few times that he seemed truly happy… right up until his parents got wind of it and made him change. Small town, everyone talks. I’d tried to ask him about that a few times, but he didn’t want to talk about it.

Maybe if we were still as close as we used to be, I could tell him. But it had been a couple years since we spent any time together. Had he changed? Better to play it safe for now, at least until I could get a better sense of what he is like these days. 

“Sadly, that call center was my last shot here in town. I did well enough in school, but I went through some stuff near graduation and they refused to give me my degree.” I’d foolishly tried to come out at school, only to find out that a lot of my professors didn’t view folks like me favorably. Suddenly my papers started being marked down for trivial or bizarre things that never would have happened before. “My folks weren’t pleased and we don’t really talk anymore. And because they’re mad, a lot of people in town aren’t too keen to give me a shot. Y’know how it is.”

 

Brian nodded in sympathy. “Yeaaaah, your folks have always been tight with the local community. Still, I can’t believe they would cut you off like that. What the hell did you do?” 

“They didn’t approve of the way I was living my life. I’ll tell you the details later. In the meantime, I dunno what I’m gonna do. Nowhere else in town is gonna hire me after Billings fired me.” 

Brian let out a groan. “Hell, dude, that’s so rough. I’m sorry, man. I had no idea. I’d kind of always hoped that at least you got somewhere after I had to drop out.”

“You and me both, buddy. Still, it is really good to spend time with you again, I’ve missed our friendship.” 

“Best bros for life, right? We might have drifted apart for a bit, but I always knew we’d meet back up again, eventually.” He held out his fist and I bumped mine against it, the two of us exchanging smiles. “Tomorrow will probably suck, but we’ve got tonight all to ourselves. Y’know, I used to wish that you and I could run away somewhere, get out of this shitty place and live somewhere better, just the two of us. Silly kid’s dream, I know.”

“Nah, I totally understand. I used to wish for that too. Who knows, maybe someday it will happen.”

We wandered some more, reaching the adult fiction shelves and lingering on favorites here and there. I looked at a couple of series I had adored growing up and noticed Brian lingering behind me for a bit, looking at something intently. 

“Find something?”

“Just a really old book; I don’t think I’ve seen it here before.” 

He held up what was quite possibly the fanciest book I had ever seen. Leatherbound, with a beautiful cover the color of slate covered in designs of watery swirls and twining vines, and art of precious gemstones glittering among strange symbols and sinuous dragons twirling at the edges. The center of the cover had an arched door with the word ‘Tellara’ embossed in the center. 

I let out an appreciative whistle. “Must be a new acquisition from another branch or something. I would have remembered a book like this being here.” 

He nodded. “Yeah. No author listed, not even a barcode on the back. Maybe they haven’t processed it yet and someone just left it on the shelf by accident? Either way, let’s take it back upstairs and we can hand it over in the morning. After carefully checking it to make sure it is suitable for these august shelves, of course.”   

“Of course.”

Such a beautiful book had to be handled carefully, you know? In no time at all, we returned and Brian carefully picked the book up and we made our way back to the conference room. I looked at him as he carefully set it on a table and he looked back at me. 

We stared at the book for a bit. Brian coughed and gestured at the table. “Are you going to open it?”

“Me? What about you? You have daintier hands, I don’t want to damage it if it is fragile.”

“Dainty hands, eh? Well, you’re the one who found it, I say you open it.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll open it. But if it is damaged, it isn’t my fault.”

I held my breath and Brian licked his lips as he gently turned the cover and we stared at a page-sized sea of stars and swirling nebulae. 

 

“What the fuck–” I didn’t get to finish my thought as a floating mass of starstuff rose out of the page and expanded into a glowing oval above the table. The outer edges remained as they were, but the interior shimmered and turned into a glossy, glass-like material. From the other side, I could see a strange woman peering back at us. Her eyes were softly glowing with cerulean light that matched the scales at her temples that melded into the darker blue horns that swept up and back, with another pair of horns below the larger ones. She had dark blue hair that faded into the glittering blue of a tropical ocean, with long scruffy bangs and the rest of her hair pulled back into a ponytail, held by a band with a white flower seemingly growing from it. Her pale skin contrasted with the darker scales at the edges of her eyes and around her neck. Pointed ears peeked out from her hair and her features were soft, yet familiar. Her mouth was open in shock and I could see slightly enlarged fangs, definitely not human. Scales dusted her bare shoulders, disappearing under what looked like a mix between a soft black dress and leather combat gear. She was beautiful and I nearly missed the tail whipping back and forth behind her because of how in awe I was. Her gaze was looking past me and at Brian as she mouthed something I couldn’t make out and then it snapped to me. I felt like I knew her from somewhere, but how could I?

We all sat dumbstruck for a few moments and then she spoke, in a melodious voice. “I see, of course, this is how it works.” She reached out her hands, through the portal and I noticed that there were scales along the back of her hands and up her arms as well. “Gwen and…Brian, I offer you a choice. An escape. A journey to a wonderful place full of magic and mystery.” How did she know my name, how did she know MY NAME?!? “I know this is a lot and you’ll have many questions, but please trust me when I say that the world through this portal is a place that you’ve been waiting for your entire life. Besides–”

Whatever she was about to say was cut off as Brian spoke up, his voice trembling with fear. “Yes! Absolutely, yes! I don’t know why, but I feel like I do trust you.” He turned to me. “Besides, this could be a chance to make our wishes come true, just like we dreamed as kids. A mysterious lady offering us a portal to another world, somewhere far from here? I’m in. Even if she did get your name wrong.” 

Oh, we would have to have a chat later.

“Yeah, you had me at ‘escape’, mystery lady. What do we do?” 

She smiled, her fangs glistening in the light of the portal. “Take my hands and I’ll pull you through. The ride will be a little bumpy, but you’ll thank me for it, in the end. You always do.” 

Well, that was a little ominous, but Brian and I both reached out and she took hold of us with surprising strength. We passed through the shimmering portal and the last thing I registered before passing out was her speaking quietly to herself. 

“I can’t believe it was me all along…”

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