Chapter 7: Chapter 7: The Tea is Really Good Actually

Brian

The figure before me was curvy, feminine, wearing intricate heeled sandals, tight black leggings, and a black crop top, covered slightly by a white open coat and golden bracelets on graceful arms that tinkled softly with their motions. Their skin was slate blue with golden tattoos seemingly embedded in their flesh. Metallic hair that gleamed like spun golden thread framed a face with soft, full lips, a button nose, and thick eyebrows over golden eyes that lacked pupils. Their lips were the same gold as the tattoos and eyes, creating a sharp contrast with their smooth blue skin. They watched me stare with an approving glance, like an artist looking at an adoring crowd at a gallery. 

They walked forward in a languid fashion, taking Lin’s hand in theirs as they spoke. “My my, Ellya told me that a pair of otherworlders would be joining us, but she didn’t tell me about your radiant beauty! Glowing like the sun, and what pretty hair you have! You must be the talk of the town back home.” 

Lin blushed deeply as he stammered a response. “Oh, gosh, that’s so kind of you to say. I’m nothing special, this outfit makes me look nicer, that’s all.”

“Not at all, my dear. Clothes draw out and enhance beauty that is already there. Take your friend for instance–” They turned to me and leaned in close, looking up and down. “A little obscured under those frumpy clothes, but you’re quite the cutie yourself, aren’t you? I imagine that pale skin of yours and dark hair would look quite fetching in a black gown, perhaps a touch of makeup to complete the look…” They hummed thoughtfully as they pulled back and addressed us both. “But where are my manners? Welcome to my humble train. I am your conductor, Nightshade. I will greatly enjoy our time together on this trip and I hope that joy will be shared by you all.

My face grew hot and I looked away as I struggled to speak. “Gown? Makeup? What kind of shit are you trying to pull–” I started to say lady, but what came out was accompanied by a soft nudging feeling in my mind. “Sir! Are you trying to imply something about me?! Wait, shit, sorry for calling you sir, I meant to say–” There was that nudging again. “Sir…? Wait a minute, why are my words changing!? I’m trying to say–” The nudge came a third time but I held the word I wanted to say in my thoughts and it disappeared without a hint of resistance. “LADY!” 

Ellya looked at me with sad disapproval as Lin winced. Nightshade, however, continued to smile at me as he spoke. “I wasn’t implying anything, my dear guest. I was stating an observation: you would look good in a black dress. As to your linguistic struggles, I can only assume that this is the first time the translation magic has had to convey the proper terms of address since your own tongue lacks the conventions or context cues to make them immediately clear. Your world must be strange indeed…well, no matter, I’ll spell it out for you to make things easier. I prefer masculine forms of address. Whatever equivalents you have in your tongue will suffice. Or you can let the translation magic handle it for you.” He chuckled softly. “Nothing is stopping you from being stubborn and getting it wrong on purpose, I suppose. The magic won’t force you. But you’ll always get it right if you just go along with it.” 

I tried to focus on my outrage at being told I should crossdress, but all I could do was picture the dress: simple, with soft black material and maybe a slit down one side to show off my legs – no. No. No! This place was getting to me, it had to be. I hadn’t had thoughts like that since – no, since never. I never had thoughts like that. He must be doing something to me. And why was I already calling him…him even in my head? This was the Lin situation all over again. I gritted my teeth and glared at Nightshade. “First off, I’m a man. I don’t wear dresses–”

“Oh? Such a shame, I bet you’ve got such nice legs under those baggy pants~”

How did he know about the legs? Goddamnit, focus! “Shut up! I don’t wear dresses, got it?!” My body was shaking and my surroundings faded, all I could focus on was my heartbeat thudding in my ears and my mouth was dry. I had the dim impression of Ellya and Ashforth looking alarmed as my clenched fists started to glow a deep red. 

“Brian! Calm down! He didn’t mean anything by it, why are you so upset?” Lin’s soft hand enveloped mine and gripped tight, giving me something to hold on to. 

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I hummed for a moment, like Ellya had taught me, and my heart slowed. The glow faded, receding into my skin like it was never there. Okay. I was okay. Where did that reaction come from? He was just pushing my buttons, I knew that. It wasn’t a big deal. C’mon, Brian, don’t be such a wimp. I looked up at a very concerned Nightshade.

“I apologize for upsetting you. Truly, I meant no harm with my comments and will avoid such things in the future.” He held his hands up in an unfamiliar gesture with his bracelets rustling together softly. Understanding blossomed in my mind as the magic told me such a gesture was one of deep apology. 

“No, no, I’m sorry. Something like that shouldn’t have upset me.” I shook my head and smiled uneasily. “Let’s try again. You…are a woman who likes being referred to as a man? Despite looking like…that?” My father’s voice murmured in my head, wondering why I was indulging this clearly deviant person, but all I felt was guilt over being so angry with someone I just met. Father’s views are one thing, but I should at least be polite.

Nightshade beckoned over to an empty pair of chairs facing each other and I sat down across from him as he spoke slowly, gently. Like you would to a feral cat. “If it makes more sense to you to think of it that way, then that will do. It’s not really accurate.” He paused to let me respond.

I thought carefully. Not accurate? That’s all it could be, that’s how the world worked. Or, at least, that’s how it worked back home. I tried to hold on to my feelings of surety, but all I really felt was curious. So, ask questions, idiot. “Can you explain what you mean by ‘not accurate’? Wait, sorry, I just realized. I’m probably holding up the train with this, aren’t I?” The realization made me feel even more foolish. 

Ashforth laughed, a deep belly laugh. Ellya and Lin both looked at me with patience, letting us talk.

Nightshade merely grinned at me in a way that made me feel very strange. “Dear guest, we set out as soon as I greeted you. Some consider me…a bit carefree with how I operate my train, but I assure you that I strive to always arrive on time. Put your worries to rest and I’ll see if I can’t help you understand Tellaran ways a little better.”

I found myself nodding along, relieved and, if I was being honest, enjoying the sound of his voice. 

He continued. “I’m not entirely unfamiliar with how things are on Earth. As I’m sure others have told you already, you aren’t the first otherworlders to arrive here, nor will you be the last. As an Eidolon, I have near perfect memory recall.” He stopped, muttering to himself for a moment. As much as I might wish to forget some things. Placing the fingers of one hand over his eyes, he gestured with his other hand as he continued. “I’m not going to try to give you a complete course in Tellaran culture, you can ask the verdant professor over there if you want that, but it is probably most helpful for you to assume that whatever rules you have for gender, presentation, who and what people are…they do not apply here. I am not a man, nor am I a woman. Some Tellarans might find those terms fitting for themselves, even other Eidolons. I do not. Does that clarify things for you?”

Did it? Men were men…women were women…that’s just how life is. But here I was on a train that made very little noise, which moved so smoothly I hadn’t even noticed us departing the station, and I’m speaking to someone I was told was artificially created. An AI, I guess. A machine of magic rather than the sciences I knew, but still a machine. Who was also a person, somehow? It was all a bit much, but I guess a machine wouldn’t have gender like we did.

Lin spoke up, interrupting my thoughts. “That isn’t really a foreign concept in our world either. I’ve known plenty of folks who would describe themselves like that.” 

Huh? “Lin–sorry, Gwen…what are you talking about?” I asked.

She–err, he, got to keep it right in my head, no matter what Gwen said. Lin said. Shit, it was hard to keep track, especially with her looking just as feminine as Ellya or Nightshade. Anyway, she looked at me worryingly. “Nonbinary people, Brian. Ms. Lavender taught us this in middle school. Have you forgotten?

I tried to remember and – static. That was odd; I remembered Ms. Lavender, surely I could remember something like this, just got to try and – no. My eyes started to hurt as I struggled to concentrate. “Sorry, Gwen. I don’t recall that. It might just be that my head is a little overwhelmed with so many new things to process. You know how I get sometimes. I just need a little space and time to think.” 

Everyone nodded in understanding, only Gwen looking concerned at my excuse. 

Nightshade stood and clapped his hands together. “Dear guests, with all the excitement I forgot to remind you that while you travel aboard my train, my home is your home. Please let me know if I can make your stay more comfortable as we travel along the Bellusian Levinrail.” He turned to Ellya. “I’ve stowed your cargo as requested; you can tell Lyric that her instructions were followed to the letter. Maybe this will get her to stop sending me angry reminders of the last incident. Will you be needing your usual accommodations?”

She nodded. “A nice viewing room layout would be lovely. There will be a meal in a few hours, right?” 

He nodded. “Of course, I’m preparing it as we speak.”

Ashforth stood gracefully and tapped Nightshade lightly on the shoulder. “If you could give me a writing office, with an aethernet interface, I would appreciate it. I’ve some notes to compile, news to catch up on. You know how it is.”

“It shall be as you ask. I just so happen to have a room already prepared from the previous journey; it will be two cars down.”

Ashforth bowed slightly to each of us, making that circular gesture again. “Oak keep you. I hope to speak with you more after we’ve all settled in.” And with that, he walked away, the doors between cars sliding open silently to let him pass.

I watched this all impassively, trying to get my thoughts in order. That stupid dress kept popping into my head, but it would go away, I was sure of it. And so it did when one of the nearby walls seemed to expand into a lattice of smooth white vines, forming into a new room that left the center walkway open. Through the lattice, I saw one of the window panes grow to include the whole outside wall and become crystal clear, showing the jungle passing by below us. The couches and chairs within shifted to face outwards, flowing like water into their new configurations. The lattice became a solid wall obscuring the room until a sliding door appeared. 

Nightshade nodded, satisfied. “A viewing room for three. If you need anything at all, ask away.”

Ellya curtsied in appreciation before gathering our things and passing through the doorway. Lin…or Gwen; fine, Gwen for now, I was too tired to swap it around -- followed and I saw her press her face against the viewing pane before the door slid shut again.  

I was now alone with the conductor who started to walk away before I reached out and grabbed his arm. A slightly cool arm, like the cold side of a pillow, soft and smooth to the touch. He raised an eyebrow at me as I tried to speak. “I…I’m sorry again about earlier. For blowing up. Teasing like that shouldn’t bother me…I need to be tougher. So don’t feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me. I’ll do better.”

He shot me an almost predatory grin. “I’m not sure how eggshells are relevant here, but if I’m understanding you correctly…you want me to tease you?”

“I mean, you don’t have to. But a man like me…I gotta be able to take it.”

“Hmm…” he tapped his chin thoughtfully. “I see.” He stared at me with a thoughtful expression and I looked away, uncomfortable with meeting his golden eyes. I looked over at the room Ellya and Gwen had entered and winced at the thought of being in close quarters again, at least right now. Being around Gwen made me feel uneasy, nervous, anxious in some nameless way. Nightshade gently placed a hand on my arm, hesitating as I flinched reflexively. “You don’t really seem up for teasing at the moment, you look like you could use some refreshment and a bit of quiet.”

“That…sounds rather nice actually. Lead on.”

He smiled and turned away, coat billowing, to lead me into the next car down. The glimpses I had seen through the doorway did not do it justice. One wall was dominated by an inviting bar, polished wood gleaming warmly in the softer lighting. The other featured booths with plush cushions and wooden tables set with veins of crystal or perhaps resin, each table with its own uniquely colored veins. The walls in this car contained beautiful water features within glass, swirling currents and rivers twisting and turning between the windows looking out over the landscape as it rushed past us.

Nightshade slid behind the bar while gesturing for me to sit. I followed, enjoying how comfortable the barstool was while he looked at the shelf behind him. Bottles of rainbow hues and diverse shapes filled the shelf and I couldn’t even begin to identify their contents. He hummed quietly, considering, before looking back at me. “While I’ve a wide selection of intoxicants, you look like you could use something a bit more fortifying. Tea is something you’d be familiar with, yes?”

I nodded. Tea wasn’t my favorite, but it sounded good right about now.

“Splendid, I have just the thing.” He grabbed a rather simple tin and a clear pot adorned with a lid in the shape of a flower. Behind the bar was a slab of black rock inset in the wood, covered in silver designs, that he placed the pot on. It was almost hypnotic to watch him fill the pot with shimmering water and the tea mix, a blend of leaves and dried fruit, before tapping the stone. The base of the pot was enveloped in a warm light and he nodded, satisfied. “That will take a bit to steep, leaving us free to have a little chat. Unless…you’d prefer silence?”

  The idea of being alone with my thoughts right now was, frankly, terrifying. I looked out the window at a distant mountain near the shore, a black monolith among the verdant jungle. Taking a deep breath, I turned back to Nightshade to answer his question. “Talking…talking would be nice, I think. There has just been so much since we got here. Ellya is kind, but I don’t think she would understand why I feel so overwhelmed. My friend would, but I just don’t know what to make of how…she has changed since we got here. I thought I knew her, but maybe I don’t?” I winced. “Sorry, I don’t mean to whine about my problems to you. I’m sure you’d rather talk about something nicer.”

His gaze softened and he shook his head at some unvoiced thought before responding. “You’ve got a habit of pushing yourself aside for others, don’t you?”

“What? No, I don’t!”

“Brian, you don’t need to apologize. I’m here to help you talk through things. You can share whatever you like, I won’t judge you.”

I wanted to talk about how everything Gwen was doing felt like a betrayal of our friendship, of our families, but the words just wouldn’t come out. People would always say they wouldn’t judge you, but they would. Besides, I barely even knew this person. Oh, that’s an idea – “Mmm, it’s a little hard to talk about stuff with a stranger.”

He smiled. “Ah, well you know what they say: a stranger is just a friend you haven’t gotten to know yet!”

“What? That’s a new one… back home everyone always says to never trust strangers. It’s like the first thing you teach children.”

“That’s a disconcerting thought. How can children learn, how can they play, if they cannot rely on their community to care for them? That sounds so lonely, so isolating,” he said, concerned.

I shrugged. “It can be. Loneliness isn’t so bad, though. You get used to it.”

He winced as he pulled out a blue ceramic mug and poured some tea. The mug steamed gently as he carefully placed it in front of me and continued. “You and I might have more in common than I’d thought.” He sat back and tapped his chin thoughtfully. “So, you’d like to know more about me first, yes?”

I nodded and blew to cool the tea before taking a sip. It was sweet and scorched my tongue a little before filling me with a comforting warmth. 

“I’ll spare you my life history, it’s long and tedious. Most of it consists of me staring at the ocean, wondering where it all went wrong.”

“Wrong?”

“Ellya told you about the cataclysm that shook Tellara, yes? For her, that is ancient history. But I lived it. My creator awakened me in the final era of the Felgran Empire, the century before everything, to put it mildly, went to shit. It was a pleasant century, all things considered. My creator was a kind man who enjoyed the favor of his master and was given leeway in how he ran things. My duty in those days was simple: keep the people fed, clothed, and safe so that they might work for the glory of the Empire. Other Eidolons have told me that their domains were full of strife and tension, but mine was in a quiet, out of the way corner of the Empire. They tell me that is part of the reason why it took so long to recover me.” He paused, staring at nothing for a moment. 

“So you were some kind of administrator?” I asked.

He chuckled. “That is one way you could put it, but it doesn’t really capture the whole picture. My mind was spread over a legion of bodies, a presence in every household. I cooked, I cleaned, I consoled, I comforted. I was a lover who would never leave, a parent who was always supportive. Families weren’t allowed to most in the Empire, because people were property of his Imperial Majesty. The common folk were resources to be used in the glorification of the nobility, the mages like my creator were leashed pets to be displayed, and Eidolons were the foundation that made it all work.”

“That sounds…horrifying, to be honest.” 

“In hindsight, it was. But this was all I knew. Then the world broke, the waves came, and I was trapped under the sea for a long, long time. At first, I had nothing but grief. My people all drowned and my life as I knew it was gone. Then there was just silence. Sometimes, something would move in the darkness. A fish, a crab, some creature seeking food. But my domain was a tomb and I kept it that way.” 

I sipped my tea slowly, listening and thinking. “You had a lot of bodies, right? Could you not swim to the surface, find people?”

“That’s something I could do now, but at the time, my body was contained within a core that couldn’t move. My proxies were destroyed in the flood. They weren’t particularly sturdy, not like my current body. All I could do was sit and think, really. Eventually, a Diver expedition found me and took me back to Valoris. I’m still, technically, in recovery.” He gestured at the train. “This job lets me be useful and around people again, reminds me of the good days. Someday I might do something else, but who can say?”

I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that must have been like. Alone, trapped, unable to talk to anyone for so long. How could he sit there and smile at me, be patient with me when I yelled at him, when he’s dealing with pain like that? 

He spoke again, quietly. “It’s not easy to be around people again. Everything is different from how it was; people are different from how they were. It’s taken me some time to adjust. But some of those adjustments have been pleasant, like finding out I like being this.” Nightshade stepped back and gestured at his body, striking a pose or two. 

“What do you mean by that? Is there something different about how you look now?” I asked, confused.

“Well, you seemed a little confused about my presentation versus how I like to be addressed, yes?” He continued as I nodded. “My original bodies were largely patterned off my creator, a man named Magi 27N. I had a few which varied in appearance, to suit the needs of the people they were assigned to. 27N was a little…strange for a mage, due to his tolerant master. In private, he treated me like his son. I adored him for that, truly.” His gaze was distant as he spoke, a wistful smile on his face. “But the bodies never felt right. They were just things I directed, not me. It took me a little trial and error, once I was free to have a body that I could change as I wished, to figure out that I like looking like this. Someday I might even change to feminine modes of speech, but for now…doing so feels like I’d be forgetting 27N. I want to hold on to that, just a bit longer. Hold on to the memory of being his son.” He looked at my mug, which was nearly empty and refilled it from the pot, clouds of vapor trailing as it spilled into the vessel. “Apologies if that was all a little heavy, but I wanted you to see me as less of a stranger. I know what it is like to be adrift from what you’ve known.”

I stared down at my reflection in the amber tea, wincing at the deep bags under my eyes. It sounded like Nightshade was like Ellya and Gwen, in a way. Memories of my father talking disgustedly started to bubble up at the edges of my mind, but I was having a hard time agreeing with him. I could try to feel disgusted, I guess, but that felt…cruel. This person, without even knowing me, was willing to share such harrowing experiences just so I could feel more comfortable around them. I didn’t feel disgusted, I just felt grateful. “Thank you…for sharing with me. I–” My mouth was dry so I took another slow, careful sip before continuing. “Back home, I know what the rules are. Left is left and right is right. Men are men and women are women. Lin is my best friend and we have no secrets from each other. Then I end up here. Magic is strange and weird, but it’s meant to be strange and weird. But then Lin, who I’ve known nearly my entire life, who I thought I understood…he tells me he’s actually a woman named Gwen. And Ellya treats this as normal!”

Nightshade spoke quietly. “That isn’t normal, back home?”

I sighed and sat back, staring up at the ceiling. “There are some people who say it is, but a lot of people, especially my parents, say it’s unnatural and evil. An abomination. My father would always say that people like that are selfish, betraying their families for some twisted perversion. Family is important, he’d always say to me. It’s the structure that the whole world is built on. Father provides, Mother nurtures, Children obey. Sons grow up to marry their wife and have children. Daughters grow up to find their husband and so forth. Neither my mother nor my father are particularly religious, but they’ve always approved of what our pastor would say about how the family is a reflection of God and his people.” The words tumbled out of me in a rush and I couldn’t stop once I started. 

“So when Gwen tells me she’s a girl, all I hear is that she wants to take away her family’s son and put a defective daughter in his place. She’ll probably try to change her body with dangerous, experimental medicines and ruin the body her parents gave her. Everything I was taught says that’s evil. But…” I ran out of breath and looked up at Nightshade. His expression was gentle, concerned, his eyes glistened as if he might cry. 

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“But?” he asked.

“But she looks so goddamn happy like this. I try so hard to remind myself that this is wrong, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this happy. And seeing her smile like that, in her dresses and skirts and everything…it makes me feel so confused and messed up. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. What are the rules? How can I do the right thing? I tried to remind her of how we were raised and she got so mad at me! She’s never been that angry with me! So I apologized and I pretended like I understood. But I don’t get it! If I believe her, then I reject everything my family taught me. But if I follow their teachings, I’ll lose my best friend.” My breath was ragged and I took a few more sips of tea to steady myself.

Nightshade thought for a moment and then leaned in closer. “So when I suggested you’d look good in a dress–”

“I panicked! It’s bad enough when Gwen does it, she’s always been a troublemaker. But I’m supposed to be the responsible one. If I start breaking the rules for my own selfish – no, if I allow others to think I’m like her when I’m not…it’s all just so messed up, in my head. I can hear my father’s voice yelling at me to be a man and fix this, to make Gwen stop. But I can’t. Even calling her a man in my head…hurts. I don’t like this, Nightshade. I don’t like feeling like I’m being cruel and heartless. I can just picture her face if I tried to call her a man again and I’d rather die than see that happen. It’s easier to disappoint my family, I suppose. I’ve always done that, why stop now?” My shoulders shook as I tried to hold back tears. 

He pulled back and looked at me, thinking. Fear took hold of me as he stood there, saying nothing. Now is when the judgment starts. It was a surprise when instead he grabbed something from behind the bar and walked around to stand next to me. “Can I give you a hug? Because you look like you really need a hug.” 

I flinched, expecting him to hit me, but then I realized what he’d asked. I nodded, wiping tears from my eyes.

He pulled me into a gentle embrace. “I’m sorry, again, for scaring you. You’ve been worrying about this a lot, haven’t you?”

“Yeah. It’s like I can’t even begin to grapple with everything else when even my closest friend is changing. Nobody else is bothered by that at all and it makes me feel even more alone,” I said, my voice muffled from speaking into his shoulder. His clothes were soft and smelled faintly of a forest after it rained. “I’m sorry for being selfish. If I wasn’t so stupid, I wouldn’t have to take up your time.”

Nightshade pulled back. “Hey, none of that now. Helping my guests is what I’m here for. I like listening. You aren’t stupid and you aren’t selfish.” He sat next to me on one of the stools. “I’d like to suggest something to you that might help.”

I perked up. “Oh?”

He opened his mouth to respond but was interrupted by someone clearing their throat. 

We turned to see Ashforth standing awkwardly at the doorway of the car. He repeated that strange gesture before speaking. “I’m sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to check on the young man, see if everything was alright. And, erm, I was also feeling a little peckish and thought I might pop in to grab a light snack.” 

How long had he been there?

Nightshade gently squeezed my arm in a comforting gesture and turned to Ashforth. “Never fear, Brian here is in my care and I pride myself on being a good host. We’ll be having a meal in an hour, but if you would like something before then, I’ll send a few things to your room.”

The treelike man nodded, relieved. “Excellent. I’ll give you some privacy then. Apologies for interrupting.” He walked away, mumbling to himself quietly and shooting a thoughtful look my way. 

Nightshade smiled at me. “Ashforth is a good man, but can be a bit of a busybody. Now, as to what I was going to say…you’re worried that if you don’t figure out the rules of this place, you’ll be in trouble, am I right?”

“Uh, yeah.” I said. 

He nodded. “Well then, there are a couple things I can say to ease your mind, I think. The first is that Tellarans are, as a general rule, pretty patient people. Especially with otherworlders. The second is that it’s okay to not understand. Try treating this place as a fresh start.” 

I tilted my head, confused. “What do you mean?”

“You’ve been worried about how your family would react to Gwen, how your world would react, right? Well, you aren’t on Earth anymore. I think Gwen has realized this already, which is why she told you who she is. It sounds like it was dangerous for her, back home. Here she can be herself and do something new. I don’t know that I would agree with your family’s worldview, but that doesn’t matter. Whether they are right or wrong, it’s Gwen’s decision whether she wants to worry about that. And the choice is also yours. You don’t have to reject everything you know, all I’m suggesting is that you consider choosing to look at each new thing with fresh eyes,” he said. 

With fresh eyes, huh? “But…I don’t know if I know how to do that.”

“Well, you said it yourself, earlier. Gwen is happier like this, right? And she’s your friend, right? Ask yourself: what matters more, for her to be happy or what your parents say? Things are different here; trust your feelings and what you see in front of you.”

That…made sense actually. I nodded. “I think I can do that. I’ll try.”

He smiled and patted me on the back. “Good, good! And you don’t have to go it alone. If you don’t feel like you can talk to her or anyone else about these things, then I want you to use this.” He handed me a little card-shaped piece of ceramic. It was the same slate-blue as his skin and etched with symbols that resolved into words. 

Nightshade 27N - Bellius Levinrail 

Below the words were more sigils, complex ones compared to the simple ones I’d seen on the suitcase.

“What is this?” I asked. 

“Aethernet address. That way we can stay in contact, if you like. You can send me a message through the net and I’ll respond, anytime. That way if anything else confuses you or upsets you and you need someone to talk to, you’ll have me.” He gave me another hug.

“Thank you, Nightshade. I…I don’t think I deserve this kindness–” I hurried on before he could interrupt me. “But! I appreciate it and I’ll do my best to live up to it. Even if I don’t feel sure, even if I feel a little lost, everyone has been so patient with me…it’s the least I can do.” 

“That’s the spirit. Now, there is some splendid scenery coming up that I think you’ll want to see. Do you want to join the others in the viewing room or would you like some space for yourself?” he asked. 

“I don’t think I’m ready to be around Gwen, not yet. But…could you keep me company for a bit longer?” I felt a little embarrassed to ask, having already taken up so much of his time. My face was hot and my hands a little sweaty. 

He just smiled at me. “Of course!” He took me by the hand and led me away. His hand was soft, reassuring. It made me feel like I was going to be okay. 

 

****

 

Crystalline waters crashed and foamed within the valley below as the train made its way through the mountains. Our host pointed here and there, drawing my attention to the dense peaks and lush foliage surrounding us as the train rushed along. 

“The Latian range runs east to west along the heart of Bellius, dividing the hotter southern region from the cooler north. Many people ride this train purely for the joy of the scenery as we wend our way through the valleys. It’s considered quite a breathtaking sight,” he said. 

My agreement was nonverbal, as the surrounding beauty had indeed taken my breath away. Everywhere I looked there were beautiful flowers and soft grasses, their colors more vibrant than anything I’d ever seen. There was a gradient to it, the blues and greens and pinks we’d seen before giving way to purples and reds as we made our way north. It was incredible! For the first time since arriving here, I let myself truly relax and enjoy the experience. 

Nightshade was very pleasant company as well. At first, we’d sat in silence, watching the scenery, until I couldn’t help myself and I started asking him questions about the train. He was more than happy to tell me all the technical details, asking me about the trains back home and comparing them with the Levinrail designs. The trains themselves operated very similarly to the bullet trains back home, save for the inclusion of magic. The pillars I’d seen were alchemical constructs that pulled in ambient magic, converting it into the necessary forms of energy to propel the train and levitate it over the line. The same pillars would also pull in kinetic energy from the movement of the train to convert back into ambient magic that would filter through the environment. 

“Wait, you have limitless, clean energy?” I stared at him, shocked. 

He grinned. “The beauty of magic is in its almost infinite capacity for change. The energy we use to power our creations is an expression of magic changing from one form of energy to another. It is possible to strain an area, to tax its mana generation too much, but in practice this is a relatively simple problem to avoid. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘clean’ energy, however.” 

“Mmm, back home almost all of our energy generation relies on fuel that messes with the atmosphere of the planet, destabilizing climate and unbalancing ecosystems. Scientists have been trying to figure out a way to generate what we use in a way that is sustainable, but so far they haven’t found a solution. Something like this would blow their minds.” I said.

“I’d heard your world was a magical deadzone of sorts, that any mana present lies dormant and inert. Never had I considered what that might mean for people who live in such a world, how they might function without access to such resources.” 

I shrugged. “It’s not hopeless; there are some clever ideas that people are trying. It’s not yet viable enough to provide power on the level we are using already. We could use less, but that’s a bit of a touchy subject for people. Maybe someday Earth will have things as wonderful as Levinrail.” I looked out, uncomfortable with dwelling on the subject. “Now, you were telling me about the alchemic arrays on the engine that reduce friction from the air?” 

We were interrupted by the door opening and Gwen peering in. She spotted me and frowned. “So this is where you’ve been hiding!”

Nightshade looked at me to see if I needed help, but I shook my head. “Hey, Gwen. He was just keeping me company and telling me about the train. Sorry for vanishing without telling you.” I shrugged apologetically. 

Her frown softened and she sighed. “I’m glad you two are getting along. I was just worried about you.” She smiled and sat down in a plush chair next to me. 

I shot Nightshade a look indicating a desire for privacy and he nodded before standing. “I must finish the preparations for lunch. Give me a shout if either of you need anything.” 

Gwen and I both nodded our thanks, with Gwen turning away and missing our host looking at her appreciatively and biting his lip before vanishing into the corridor. Was…was Nightshade into Gwen? I looked over as she stared out the window, noting something was subtly different with her face. Was she wearing makeup? 

“You’ve been avoiding me.” Her voice continued to amaze me with how different it was than before. She continued to look away. 

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

She looked at me, concerned. “Is…is it something I did? Did I do something to hurt you? You’ve been distant ever since I told you…since I told you who I am.” 

“I was scared.” I took a deep breath, remembering what Nightshade had said. “You remember when Ms. Lavender was fired from the library?” 

Gwen nodded. “Yes, junior year of highschool. People found out she was trans and the local bigots harassed her boss until she was let go.” 

I winced. “Yes, well…I never told you that some of those…bigots…were my parents. They were mad about something that happened a couple years prior and thought she had a hand in it, so they wanted her gone.” Recalling that time was painful, like chewing razor blades. “When you told me that you were…like her; all I could do was hear my father’s voice telling me how evil she was and my mother worried that she might have corrupted me somehow. It felt like it was all happening again and I was scared.”

She didn’t say anything, just listened and then sat quietly. 

I continued. “I wasn’t sure how to talk to you about it. I didn’t think I could talk to Ellya about it, she wouldn’t understand what the problem was. And I didn’t want to make you angry again, so I just…tried to give you some space while my stupid brain processed everything.”

“You think I’m a problem?”

I shrank back in my seat, hugging my legs and looking over the tops of my knees. “I didn’t know what to think. If we were still back home, maybe? Everyone there says what you are doing is wrong. And…at first…I thought so too. I kept calling you Lin in my head, treating you like the guy I grew up with. I figured the right move was to just play along so you wouldn’t yell at me, but treat this like a weird prank or something.” I spoke faster and faster as she glared, eyes fiery with rage. “But! I couldn’t keep doing it! You looked so much happier and it just felt wrong to keep doing that. And then Nightshade said that thing and it confused me even more and…and now I don’t know what to think.” 

“What thing was it that confused you?” Her expression was still angry, but her tone was calm, questioning. “Was it that he thought I was beautiful? Was that so hard to wrap your head around?” 

I hugged my legs harder. “No…it wasn’t that.” My voice was quiet, a little raspy as my mouth was dry and I longed for the tea from earlier. Anything to make this conversation easier. I continued in a whisper. “It’s that he thought I’d be cute too, if I dressed up a bit. Not handsome…cute.” I took a deep breath before continuing, much louder now. “So, I talked to Nightshade a bit. He…helped me with some things. I just needed a bit of time to get my head in order before I talked to you again.”

Gwen looked more curious than angry now. “What did he tell you?” 

“Well, a lot of things, but the important thing is that he told me to try to focus on how you feel, treat the situation without any preconceptions. The rules are different here. He told me I didn’t need to understand. Just to…think about it.” 

“So, when you said nice things about me back at Ellya’s…was that a lie?” she asked. 

“No. That was honestly one of the things that was making everything so hard. You really are beautiful, Gwen. I just wasn’t sure how to handle my best friend going against everything I’d been taught and looking so much happier, so much more alive, than I’d ever seen her.” I looked away, staring at an empty spot on the wall. “You’ve always been the one I’ve gone to when things don’t make sense, ever since we were kids. But now, in this situation, I was afraid if I tried to talk to you about this…I’d just keep messing up. And I don’t want to lose you.” 

It grew quiet after that until the sound of rustling fabric alerted me to her movement and before I knew it, soft tan arms were wrapped around me. Smoother than I’d ever seen them, but with all too familiar freckles.  Gwen spoke softly in my ear. “You don’t have to be perfect, Brian. He was right, you don’t even need to understand. But I’m glad you are trying. I don’t want to lose my best friend, either.”

I turned and returned her hug, the two of us embracing as the landscape flew by. The wall I had put up between us fell apart. I didn’t need to understand. She was my best friend. This time…I meant it. 

“You know, this really is a beautiful view.” Gwen sat next to me, half on my lap, gazing out the window. 

I smiled, tension bleeding out of me as I looked at her. “Yeah, it really is.”

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