Chapter 20: 18 : Angel of Change

I wonder why I must court the abyss of sleep so often… I see them… their faces look scary, but I guess it’s just the curse. They look worried, Yuzu and someone else. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be like them? I guess I’m greedy so I’ll just let the darkness consume my mind and hope my body stops being a burden to others… Yuzu will take care of me since she has something to gain from me for some reason… No thinking, just sleep now. Good night, Alice.

………But foregone was the hope of waking up under a warm roof, it was a dream that took rein in my mind. Or so I like to believe the moment my eyes opened; I was under a roof of stars. So familiar and nostalgic. I knew this sky so well in the past…

I lift my hand, ignoring all the groaning from my body, to cover the moon and what I see is the hand I am so used to seeing. Filled with callous and wounds, the skin cracked in place, but most importantly, painted in a healthy color. This is my hand, mine and mine alone. My grave bound past. Here I am in this dream not representing Alice but only my own image… Ego sum qui sum. Meum nomen erat Muto — Meum nomen est Forma — Nomen meum erit Tsuki… Bah, she told me to talk normally, that girl. Well, that last part is untrue, I guess. When I made my promise to serve my mistress, I took this name: Tsuki… I wonder why this name keeps coming up. In the church with all the kids, I was called as such, there was even a part where my own name came up in Alice’s dream that I had… Am I really fit for it or is it just a curse that follows me around… Whatever, a name is just a name. Nothing more, nothing worth.

I must say, this dream is oddly relaxing. It’s as if all my purged memories were just at my fingertips. I just need to reach for them to remember everything that I want. But I won’t. I became who I am today because of Alice. I don’t deserve a past if the future is without her. Well, I guess whoever I used to be is long gone and I care not for this person unless she can give me strength.

I’ll have to wake up in a bit… I don’t feel safe doing so but I can’t afford to complain. Ha… If I want to complain, who cares? The bear is apparently a liar, Yuu is causing me to see strange things, also a monster cursed me, and I’ll die in a few years… Even Yuzu seems to want something from me. Everyone is just so annoying to the point I would rather they all be gone if Alice can come back… Woah. That’s a bit excessive to think about. We would still need farmers to get food… I could technically build her a garden, but she’ll get lonely with just me. It’s all so unfair.

Those gloomy ideas aren’t good for me anyway, I just want to sit down and watch this dear sky for a little longer and so I try to lift this old body of mine. But it doesn’t move. It groans and sends me raging pain as a response. How cruel of it to refuse my order, me who feeds this flesh to allow its wellbeing. It doesn’t know its place apparently. This time, I do not just attempt to lift my body, but I order it to rise. I: the mind, the just, the master, the sky; it: the flesh, the false, the slave, the earth. As above, so below: you claim. Lay it as you may, I alone stand true and divine while you are but a burden tied with time. I ORDER YOU! MOVE!

Why… why won’t my flesh move at my whim? Nay, my hand did listen to me not long ago. It shall be my vanguard as I push it forward again with strength! Hmmm? I think I broke something? It’s almost as if I punched something. Hoooo, and my body is finally listening to me. Well, up we go. Yahooo!

I love that dream! It’s been so long since I felt this good. Alice is smaller than me but her body feels so heavy! Wait wait wait Alice! I didn’t mean anything bad about this! You just don’t have any meat on your bones. It’s like I’m swimming like a little fishy…

Gotta wakes up in a bit…But I wanna walk so I’ll walk for a bit. The sky is so beautiful, and the wind is so pleasing…

And then a voice spoke behind me: “By what name do you go by, flower of the Gale.” A voice that I recognize… Kanga. that dream turned sour pretty fast… I simply sat down on the cold grass after hearing her. A drink would be nice right now. I wonder, if it’s a dream, can’t I just pop something from thin air to drink? Humumum… wait! It worked! And it tastes pretty good as well. It’s warm with a nice earthy smell and doesn’t taste too bitter. Simple and calming.

But anyway. What really is my name? It’s unfair honestly. As I am now, stuck controlling Alice’s body, I don’t know who I really am. I can’t call myself Alice and neither can I really call myself Tsuki. Tsuki lived with and for Alice and died when Alice disappeared. I’m… just a shadow at this point. But I need a name so that others don’t just refer to me with silence… Frankly, it would be nice. I am Muto, a name fitting for those without a name, but I’ll have to go by Tsuki. She is who I want to be, after all. To be by Alice’s side: this is all I want in life.

“Tsuki,” I said with certainty while commanding my eyes to open and free me from this dream… To think I would see Alice’s body like my own so soon. I’ll have to punish myself for trespassing on what isn’t mine.

❀

 

And so Tsuki woke up. She wasn’t looking at an unknown roof while in bed as she expected but was instead sitting at a low table with two men on the other side. On the right was Alphonse while directly in front of Tsuki was Carlson. The latter was an old man whose back made a painful arc and on which large growths of verdure made it all the heavier. He looked to be constantly tired and emitted an aura of serenity from his eyes filled with wisdom.

“Is the tea to your liking miss Tsuki?” he said with only his old, rusted voice breaking the absolute silence of the room.

When all his words escaped his lips, silence reigned anew. Tsuki could hear a few birds outside and the calm waves in the distance were faintly marking their presence. In comparison to those sounds, the breathing of the two men appeared loud and the heart beating in Tsuki’s chest was the loudest.

She took a sip not wanting to make the two men angry. The warm liquid quickly passed on her tongue, but the taste remained for longer than she would have hoped, and it was obvious that she didn’t like the taste at all.

“Bitter…” she said, putting the half-empty cup back on the table.

“It wasn’t to your taste, I suppose. Alphonse, can you go get me the pot marked ‘Nafis’ in the left-most cupboard?”

The young man left to get what was asked of him, only leaving the two others facing one another.

“Yuzuha came with you in her arms. Are you feeling better?”

“Where’s Yuzu?”

“Left to take care of someone…”

The silence returned and only Alphonse searching for the pot resounded in the house. He seemed to have a hard time finding it.

“…”

“…”

In the end, Carlson needed to get up to help Alphonse. For a moment, Tsuki thought he was wounded as his legs were thin and bent in a complex way. But nevertheless, he walked correctly with his goat-like legs.

❀

 

“Sorry to have made you wait,” said Carlson who gave another warm cup to the girl. “I forgot I already used all the milder leaves, but this should be better for you.”

Tsuki slowly tried the new tea that she was served and again it wasn’t to her liking, but the warmth and hospitality did manage to calm her down. She faked a pleased smile hoping that none would know the better.

Breaking the new silence was Alphonse who held his realistic drawing of the gigantic bear that rescued Tsuki. “Baa! He baa~ Lash ‘now baa? Afu hep lash!” He then said with a sort of mystifying joy in his voice.

“Yassil?” responded Tsuki who tilted her head to the side. “Did he send you? And why help?”

Alphonse, seeing the girl understanding him, began spewing a barrage of words that were too fast to understand even if he would have spoken clearly.

“Hmmm…” she turned to Carlson for some help, her face filled with confusion.

“Alphonse. Could you see if your brother is fine? I’ll explain everything to miss Tsuki.” said Carlson to Alphonse with a calm but commanding voice.

The boy looked down for some time, seeing that he was too excited for the conversation, and left the house after giving his drawing to the old man.

Silence ruled supreme once more and Carlson drank from his cup as if savoring this calmness. He closed his eyes for some time to better think about what to say and when he opened them again, the blue ribbon in Tsuki’s hair came into his view.

“That ribbon—” said Carlson before being interrupted by Tsuki.

“— Not for sale.”

“I wouldn’t dare ask for that.”

“…”

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“Was it Yassil who gave it to you?”

Tsuki simply pointed to the drawing as a response. “This guy.”

“I see… I suppose he’s faring well. Fate has always been cruel to us, ri—”

“—Where’s Yuzu?” asked Tsuki, cutting the old man in front of her.

She didn’t care about his sentiment that much and considered everything he might say as a weapon to sway her future. Yuu once said to not trust the giant bear but for Tsuki, this was a matter of fact. The only one she was able to trust was Alice and exceptionally Kanga.

Tsuki lifted her left hand for the man to see: it was free from the chain that bound the two girls together. “She didn’t have the key,” added the girl who was trying to understand the old man’s true intention.

“She’s taking care of someone with a broken nose. I can ca—”

“—The chain?”

“What chain?”

“…”

“…”

Silence returned once more to the house, but it came mixed with a heavy atmosphere that weighed on both residents. The old man took a sip from his warm tea to relieve his pained throat and seeing it empty, asked the girl if he could get some more: “All that talking, it has been so long since this old body spoke this much. Will you allow me to make you another cup? This time, hopefully to your taste.”

“You may attempt to do so. But I shall stay my hand from a fourth failed product if the need arises.”

Carlson once again left the girl alone to boil some water in the kitchen. The sound of cups being cleaned, and things being moved with a sort of strange joy could be heard behind a thin door dividing the two rooms. He was more active than the last time and moved from room to room to get a few unknown objects. The girl became a bit nervous from all this activity to simply make tea.

Meeeow

Suddenly when Tsuki wasn’t looking, a young black cat with a few white spots rubbed its head on the girl’s side. For a moment her heart froze in her chest before stumbling at a quick pace that left her wanting for air but seeing that it was only a small and innocent cat calmed her.

She tried to play with it by pulling her knife and dangling the strings that were tied to its pummel. She was becoming better at shaping the blade and she thus made it so blunt that it would never be able to cut a tomato, even less hurt the cat.

It jumped up high to catch the strings which Tsuki pulled a bit out of its reach. It reminded her of Alice’s old cat who used to be a little pest.

MREEEOOOOWWW!

With a loud and powerful shout, the cat pushed powerfully on the ground, all its strength gushing at once into its small, clawed legs, and like a great tiger, pounced at the string with precision to end their life…but under the cat was a large carpet which shifted and made the cat completely miss its jump. It froze in mid-air unsure of how to respond as if it was a computer that crashed.

Tsuki couldn’t stop laughing at this which caused her to lose focus of her dagger and made it return to its cloth form. Even when Carlson returned and placed a warm cup of something smelling sweet, she was still laughing with tears in her eyes.

“Did something good happen, miss Tsuki?” asked Carlson after sitting back on a pillow on the ground.

“Your cat, old man. It’s your cat. It-it tried to jump and and – Hufufufu”

“Miss Tsuki. I do not own any cats…”

“Huh? But it… where did it go?” Tsuki tried to look everywhere but the cat was nowhere to be seen. “The carpet! It’s all messed up and there’s even a bit of fur! I promise I really saw it!”

“It’s fine. This house is old so it’s possible one found its way inside. Anyway, is this to your taste?” said Carlson trying to reassure Tsuki that she wasn’t insane while pushing a strange cup toward her.

Tsuki took the cup a bit annoyed at all the man’s attempts of making something for her to drink. Water would have been fine, and she was really thirsty because she hadn’t drunk anything in a long time.

Her right hand cupped the small cup, her skin briskly rubbed on the hard and cold surface. It was an odd feeling of mixed sensations, and she became curious about the cup itself. The outer layer was made from many different stones with some protruding more than others and together they assembled a calm tree blooming pink flowers with leaves and petals alike dancing together in calm wind.

She silently glided a finger over each of the materials used realizing they were all different and complex. The bark was made of a porous volcanic stone while the leaves were soft crystal inlaid at an angle and the petals were hard stones that were warm to the touch compared to everything else.

With one hand around and another below, she lifted the cup to her lips. A sweet citrus smell presented itself first followed by the warm liquid that was calming and held some hint of honey. It was pleasing to the girl and the taste didn’t linger so long that it became disagreeable.

“It’s what my wife used to love,” said Carlson, seeing the pleased eyes of the girl before then looking back at the ribbon in her hair. “I guess Yassil also saw a part of her in you…”

Following, Carlson placed a leather backpack on the table and pushed it toward Tsuki. It seemed to already have a few things inside.

“What is that for?” asked Tsuki, confused about what to do.

“A gift.”

“Why?”

Carlson looked at the drawing the young man had made and gave a sad and distant smile to the girl. “That boy, his name is Alphonse. He sometimes has visions of the future… I do not know where fate will take you, but seeing a child that I know will have to face worse than what I have…”

“Is it pity? Honestly, I don’t understand what is going on. It feels like I’m being forced into a spider web without a word to say about it. I don’t want this so-called gift if it will put me on a path I don’t care about! I don’t trust you. Neither do I trust Yassil, Yuu, Yuzu, and whoever else!”

“This gift is my repentance. Not to you nor to Yassil. It’s my repentance for the one I loved. For my wife who I stole her last moment with her family because of my fear. I present this gift to you, only so that I may be able to face her proudly when my time comes. You do not need to accept this greedy wish from an old man. But please accept this, it’s all that I can offer. You make me think of her and I can’t handle seeing her die again… this is all I need in exchange…” said the old man, his voice filled with nostalgia, fear, and sadness.

Tsuki was taken aback and was starting to feel as if she could trust this old man. She pulled the backpack to her side and expressed her thanks with a soft smile. “Thank you, mister. The tea was good.”

For a moment, Carlson felt himself back to an easier time…back to a simpler time… “Farishta, if you need anything, you just need to ask.”

“Yes, I will,” responded Tsuki.

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