Chapter 123: Revelations – Chapter 120: Shades of Memory

"What did you find?" Aperio asked, her left hand idly brushing over the armlet Moria had just given her. She had never noticed that there had been a slight weight missing from her arm before, and had barely noticed when she had added it, but now, it felt as though her arm was somehow more complete. As if she was no longer naked. "Anything to do with the other two Keepers?"

Her surrogate mother hesitated for a moment before she nodded. "Amongst other things, yes," she said. "But I am more concerned about the Pantheon at large. I assume the ones that have been… removed from power by your hand were ones that were somehow involved with how your mortal life went."

"They called me a tyrant. Tried to kill me with one of my own weapons," Aperio said, drawing a little on her well to calm herself as the memories she had reclaimed from the dead Gods surfaced in her mind. "They each had a bit of my mana within them… and a few of my memories.

"Fel'Erreyth held some, too; saw a few of them himself," Aperio continued after a small pause with a slight shake in her voice. "He got them by somehow merging with a dungeon core, one which was connected to many more that hid in their own pocket of space."

Moria's ears twitched slightly as she looked at the All-Mother; a sign that she was trying to remember something. It took a moment, but eventually a black rift opened next to her and she pulled a crystal shard from it.

Aperio tilted her head as she looked at the shard, focusing her aura on it enough that Moria seemed to notice, raising a brow. "It feels familiar," the All-Mother said after a moment. "Not like the armlet, or anything else I have found; but I feel like I know this."

"You should," Moria replied, her voice growing softer as she looked at the crystal in her grasp.

"What is it?"

Her surrogate mother hesitated for a moment, turning the object in question in her hand. "A focus... for memories. The more lives I live, the harder it gets to recall the earlier ones. You did not want to teach me how to make this kind of focus at first, saying that the ability to forget was a luxury I should not give away, but after I repeated my request countless times you relented and finally taught me.”

"Are you trying to say I somehow made the dungeon cores?" Aperio asked, not quite believing the implication.

Moria nodded at the question. "You would be the only one who could bind your memories to one," she said. "At least, if I go by what you told me. If I wanted to do the same, I would have to pull the memories out of my mind, or my soul. You once said that your bodies didn't really have a brain as a mortal would, so it would stand to reason that your mind does not follow the same rules as mine.

"Perhaps that is different now," she continued, looking at what used to be her daughter with a small smile. "But, back then, you always split yourself between multiple bodies doing countless things at once. They were probably more of a projection than anything else."

"I told you all of this?" Aperio knew her old self was fond of Moria, but it did not seem like her to tell someone that much. Especially how to take memories from someone…

But, at the moment, Moria was the only person aside from Caethya who she was willing to open up to. That had nothing to do with her relationship before her life as a slave, however, and more with the fact that all she remembered about Moria were good things. And Caethya… is Caethya.

She still couldn't quite put her feelings for the Elf into words. There was one that came to mind, but a lot more needed to happen before Aperio would consider the barest implications of its meaning to have been met. At the moment, the fact that they both enjoyed each other’s company as a little more than friends was enough for her.

"Not all, no," Moria said, even quieter than before. "Chellien told me a lot of what I know. We didn't exactly like each other for a long time. Long for me, that is." She turned the crystal in her hand again, its surface shifting through a multitude of colours. The way the light within seemed to catch on the surface of the focus reminded Aperio a little of the world beyond the fabric of reality.

"After he died…" Her voice trailed off as her ears lowered slightly. She took a deep breath. "After he died, I was ready to do the same. But you stopped me." She laughed bitterly. "You probably didn't even intend to save me at the time, but you did. After that, you would visit us, helping build what would become the [Ancestral Guard].

"I don't know why you did that," Moria continued, her expression softening a little as she looked at Aperio. "But you obviously thought more of Chellien than other Gods."

The All-Mother did not reply immediately, still thinking about the implication that she had taken her own memories. But why? According to Moria, she had chosen to live as a mortal for a while and knew that she might not remember everything. I also told her that forgetting is a luxury… But what would I want to forget?

As far as she knew, she couldn't actually forget something outside of what happened to her right before she was a mortal. And even that isn't truly forgotten. The memories still existed. Were still a part of her creation; part of her, in a way. She just had to get them back.

"In any case," Moria said, taking Aperio from her thoughts. "This crystal contains everything I have gathered and found suspicious over my lives since you disappeared. I, uh, never asked if you could actually read my memories from these, but I hope you can." With those words, her surrogate mother extended the crystal shard towards Aperio.

The All-Mother took it, a tingle running through her hand as it touched her skin. She could feel the mana flowing within; calling to her despite not being her own. Weird. There was something besides mana stored within, quite unlike the dungeon cores which were wholly filled with her mana.

It vanished into her Void with a thought to be inspected later. For now she wanted to spend time with Moria, not fill her mind with even more worries about what the Pantheon had done during her absence.

"It would seem that your disregard for the very rules you made is still alive and well," Moria said, her eyes fixed on Aperio's now empty hand. She remained quiet for a moment, taking a slow breath. "I assume this means you want to talk."

"Yes," the All-Mother replied. She shifted her wings slightly, the rustling of her feathers and dress filling what remained of the small room they were in. "There is something I need to know; need to hear you say it."

"Yes?"

Aperio hesitated for a moment. Their interaction had technically already told her what she needed to know, but she still felt as though it was not the truth. She needed Moria to say it to know.

She focused on her surrogate mother, every sense she had looking at the Beastkin to see her. The All-Mother took an unneeded breath, drawing on the comfort of her well.

"Do you fear me?"

One of Moria's ears twitched at the question and the woman shifted slightly on the cloth blanket. Aperio could feel the fabric strain as it tried and failed to move under her weight; could see every one of Moria's hairs sway in the gentle breeze as her surrogate mother slowly opened her mouth to respond.

Aperio's eyes darted across the Beastkin's form, trying to find anything that would confirm her fear. Show her that the words Moria was beginning to say were not the truth. Would let her hate herself.

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"I don't," was the reply she received without the slightest hint that Moria had lied. "At first I was scared, sure, but that quickly vanished once I figured out you didn't really care about mortals." Moria paused for a moment, narrowing her eyes as she looked at the woman she had essentially raised. "Did you think I was here because I feared you would punish me if I wasn't?"

Aperio hesitated to answer. Moria was right, of course. That is what she had thought — what a part of her wanted to be true.

"Yes," she finally whispered in reply, pulling her wings around herself as if they could hide her from the world. "How could I not? I know how I behaved in the past and know what my mere presence does to most people." Her mind wandered back to Caethya, her aura dutifully informing her that she was currently talking to Adam and a very excited Maria.

A bitter smile crept onto her face as she directed her attention back towards Moria. "I can't even be sure if what people claim they feel is what they actually feel, and not just a byproduct of my meddling."

Her surrogate mother tried to gently push her wings aside, only managing it after Aperio herself allowed them to be moved. "Your 'influence' does not affect people's minds," Moria said. "Not in the way you seem to think, anyway."

She brushed her hand through Aperio's hair like she had done so many times in the past when the then-Elf had been agitated. "I can't claim to know what exactly your presence does to a mortal, but I do know what it did to me before you gave me a title." Moria paused, looking Aperio in the eye. "Do you want me to explain or do you want to—"

"Explain," Aperio interrupted, her voice carrying a touch more power than she had wanted it to. While a part of her still somehow wished for Moria to lie, she knew the Beastkin would not. But how can I know that? And how can I still want to be wrong? The All-Mother took a deep breath, the gentle breeze that flowed through the broken room gaining a bit more strength as she did. Her thoughts contradicted one another; made no sense. "Please."

Her surrogate mother shifted slightly, settling into a more comfortable position. "How about we begin with you telling me what you remember about yourself?" Moria asked, giving her a reassuring smile. "If you feel like you can, that is."

Aperio absentmindedly turned the armlet around her bicep as she fixed her gaze on Moria. "I do not know what more I can say," she began. "I was a monster; but I already told you that. That Eschengail used the souls of his followers does not make it better that I condemned the mortals that were still free of his influence to live through his punishment as well.

"The other things I know are not much better," the All-Mother continued with a sigh. "I created a pantheon of Gods and Goddesses that does not care for the mortals that give them their power. I was also fine with them enslaving them, forcing them to do what they wanted; all in my temple. My home."

Moria held her hand, a conflicted expression on her face: part sad smile and part worried mother. "You think inaction makes this your fault," she said, gently stroking Aperio's hand. "Even if that was the case, you have to accept that it is in the past and can’t be changed.

"I would also argue that you are not even the same person anymore," her surrogate mother continued. "You chose to live as a mortal for a reason; one you never told me, but still a reason."

"Why would I want to forget?" Aperio asked, tilting her head. She didn't believe that she was absolved from responsibility just because something had happened in the past, but arguing the point was not something she wished to do at the moment. She froze when a possible answer surfaced in her mind. "…Did I want to kill myself?"

But Moria said me forgetting was only a possibility, the All-Mother continued in her mind. It was yet another thing that made no sense to her. Before, her past had been easy to understand. It was not nice to think of herself as a monster, but it had been easier than what she had to consider now.

The God she banished had broken a fundamental rule she still punished people for. Souls were not to be touched by anyone. But punishing the mortals that she assumed were still on the world was plain wrong. And it should have only taken me a thought to get them out.

Moria sighed and produced another crystal from the small black rift. "I think showing you how you were in the past is easier than telling you." She turned the shard in her hand as a bit of her mana flowed into it. "You'll have to allow it to happen. I can't force you to view the memories, just offer you a way into my mind to see."

"Are you sure?" Aperio asked after a moment of hesitation. She knew what she was capable of doing by simply letting loose a tiny little bit. Having that happen in someone’s mind seemed like a bad idea. "What if I lose control again?"

"You viewed them without restraining yourself to a body before," Moria said, shrugging. "You do feel more powerful now, but I assume that is because you are consolidating all of yourself in one place."

"Ferio said that I am much stronger than ever before," Aperio mumbled, her eyes wandering to her arms as she balled her hands into fists. "I certainly feel stronger than ever before."

"Do you remember how strong you were before?"

"No," Aperio sighed. "I do not."

"It is still worth a try," Moria said. "I cannot think of a better way to show you what you were. I won't say that you were not evil at times, but you almost always had a good reason."

The All-Mother hesitated for a moment longer, unsure if she should. Her thoughts seemed to argue and clash, and there was no distinct conclusion she could draw at the moment. In the end she decided to trust Moria, even if only so she could be a little closer to the woman that had been her mother for most of her remembered life.

"I do have a question before we try," Aperio said, waiting for her surrogate mother to nod before she continued. "How old was I when you… when you died?"

"You didn't know?" Moria's gaze softened as Aperio shook her head. "Twenty-seven by the time I died. That is, we were together there for twenty-four years at that point, and you were three when you were sold into slavery."

"It felt a lot longer," Aperio mumbled as she looked at Moria. She sighed, shifting a little on the blanket. "What do I need to do?"

The Beastkin smiled at her. She channeled her mana into the crystal shard, causing it to float above her palm, and multiple rings of runes appeared hovering above it. "Just follow my lead."

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