Chapter 67: Permission Granted, Part 3

I let out a long and miserable groan as I pulled the searing straps around my shoulders. The backpack was heavy but not as humongous as the promise I just made, clinging onto my sternum ever since we left the store. That's when I discovered I detested making promises.

"Are you sure can carry it?" Logan asked, pointing to the cause of my distress, which was currently taking a toll on my back muscles. "If you want, I could help."

Logically, it would be much easier for a man his stature to carry the provisions, but...

"I'm alright," I assured him. "I'm the porter here. More importantly, just be careful with that axe of yours. Did you make sure its edge is sharpened properly?"

Logan growled in return: "I'll let you know that whenever I'm bored, I sharpen it. There isn't a single moment I can't put it to use."

I continued strolling after Logan until a muffled sound caught our interest. It came behind the glass of a sort of electronic store, making the barbarian come to a complete halt and lean closer toward one of the many televisions displayed there.

"What are you doing?" I asked, my gaze drawn to the news regarding a newly created spell. I dismissed it immediately, knowing that I'd never get the chance to use it, to begin with.

"Don't you think it's incredible? Hunters, with all their mana and magic..."

I couldn't refute anything. They were already on a different level than the rest of us just by their birth. Every time I tried to defy that fact by competing with Connor, I became aware of the expanding gap between us. As a result, I gradually learned to accept the harsh reality I was up against and the fact that I'll never be as good as him.

Despite all of that, I took a step further and whispered: "Not really..."

"Did you say anything?" Logan asked as we approached the crosswalk, but I merely gave him a halfhearted 'nothing' and continued on my way. The light was red at first, but it changed colors as we got closer. "From the looks of it, it's our lucky day..."

"Gray?" He cast a glance my way. "Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

As I caught glimpse of the green light, I inquired: "What is it?"

"I'd like to know why," he said, his voice firmer than usual. It wasn't often that I saw him take things seriously. "Why do you want to join Artemis?"

It's because that's where Connor and Reyna are headed, but I couldn't tell him about them.

"Say something," he snarled, my silence irking him even further. "I just want to know why you're going through so much trouble to get in there. That's all."

"It's because it would provide me with a stable future," I shot back.

"Bullshit," he yelled as the lights wavered. "You want to go there because you want to have the opportunity to kill some monsters with your own hands."

Unfortunately for him, that was not an answer he could simply coax from me.

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"Let's say I believe that explanation. But what is it that you want to accomplish there, Gray? Revenge for your parents? Tell me it's not something as pointless as that..."

They were gone, and my life has been a torment ever since. Despite their absence, I kept on struggling, reaching only one conclusion in the process. No matter how I looked at it, there was nothing I could do about it. I had to let go of any lingering feelings that might have caused me further anguish.

"I don't."

"Then just why?!" he asked, visibly frustrated. "We're both aware you can obtain a mercenary license with relative ease if you put your mind to it. I can help you take it if you want—we could work together. Or you don't have to work as a mercenary at all. You're smart, I'm sure you'll figure something out other than—"

"But if I graduated from Artemis, I would have a lot more opportunities."

A mercenary was mostly a combatant. Hired numbers that could be moved around in cases such as the Overflow. However, if I graduated from that institute, I'd have a wider variety of options that weren't even related to the profession of an actual hunter. I could stay away from both, dungeons and monsters.

But that mellow answer wouldn't satisfy Logan. With that in mind, I decided to just be honest and tell him: "It's because I want the means."

Logan squinted, trying to make sense of it all as he inquired: "Means to what?"

The light above had already turned red, splattering some of its tint on us. I ignored it. No, I couldn't even comprehend the change in our vicinity. My brain simply refused to acknowledge it.

"To protect myself."

It wasn't because I wanted to avenge my parents, or because I had some grandiose purpose in mind, as others do. All I wanted was to be able to survive, regardless of the conditions I was in. That was the type of person I desperately thrived to be.

"Even as we speak, if a dungeon appears in mid-air..." my voice trailed off into a whisper. "Will I be able to withstand whatever crawls out of it?"

And I couldn't give a definite answer. Because I couldn't think of a response to that particular question, it felt like millions of insects were swarming beneath my flesh. It was more disturbing than whatever happened in the Underworld. I had no idea why this was happening, but what I did know is that it kept devouring me from within.

The reason I wanted to attend Artemis was straightforward. After all, that was the one environment that could put my mind at ease—a place that could mold me into the person I needed to be.

"You—" Logan paused, his eyes welling up with something. Perhaps it was grief. I couldn't tell. "...It's a lot worse than I expected..."

"What exactly?" I questioned but received no response as the honk of a car caused us to hurry to the opposite side of the street.

I couldn't figure out why he gave me that pale look. It felt almost as though Logan saw something disturbing. And in response, I just stared at his broad back as he passed by me with hurried steps. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to settle this misunderstanding. Hopefully, this awkward moment will pass soon. At the same time, I couldn't help but wonder.

Was the wish for the power to defend myself that disturbing?

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