Chapter 1: Future Me Problems

“Okay, this is your last chance to change your mind, we won’t have the time to do it after this,” Grace said, knowing full well what my answer would be.

Riley was standing behind her, clearly failing to conceal his excitement.

“Sorry, but that’s not happening; you know how I feel about having that stuff on me…”

That was just an excuse of course, but it was a plausible one, at least plausible enough to not have Grace bother me for what the real reason was.

But to explain that, first I need to go over what actually caused this predicament in the first place — you see, the three of us were going to a party. A Halloween party. A costume Halloween party. Just the idea of spending a night at a place I didn’t know, surrounded mostly by people I didn’t know, was enough for me to nope out, but, well… I’d made a promise. And it was only slightly coerced by the two hyperactive (at least by my standards) dorks that were my roommates. After all, if there was something I hated more than being put into uncomfortable social situations, it was seeing my friends sad…

Riley hadn’t taken long to come up with another one of his genius ideas — he was going to dress up as a girl. I had to admit, it was a good idea, at least for him, as he could pull that off with relatively little effort, but there was a problem. Even if this plan had Grace’s direct help with stuff like makeup, we had been concerned about whether it would even be appropriate to do something like this around her, given she was trans and all; however, we’d found out that not only had she been positive about the idea, she’d actually been about to suggest the same thing. For both of us.

And that’s where my excuse came in — since she had actually tried to put makeup on me before (long story), she knew I had sensory issues around having it on my face. The problem with this excuse was that while it was true, it wasn’t nearly bad enough for me to be able to tell if I wouldn’t just get used to it. In fact, as much as the prospect made going to the party seem even more challenging, I was reasonably certain I could probably make it.

The real problem was something significantly deeper than the surface level issue of makeup. Ultimately, dressing up as a girl while being a guy was crossdressing, and crossdressing had a simple goal, to pass. After all, if you didn’t want to pass, you could just wear the clothes and makeup without an attempt to pass as another gender, since those things were not inherently gendered. I simply didn’t see the point in crossdressing without being able to pass, and that’s where the problem was — I could never pass.

I knew saying that to Grace and Riley would be pointless, since they always got really upset when I said negative things about myself, but it was the truth. I had eyes, I could look in the mirror, I could feel my body from just existing, and it was painfully clear. Even if I had been chugging HRT since the day I turned three, I would never pass, it was just an impossibility for me. I’d like to say I’d made my peace with that, but the multitude of inappropriate thoughts I had while waiting for Riley’s makeover to be done said otherwise.

When the door finally opened, I had about half a second to be relieved at no longer having to wait alone with my thoughts, before I saw him (her? Since they said they were trying to be a girl for the night? Let’s go with them) — they did pass, of course, but with their build and face I had no doubts they would; no, the problem was that they did, in fact, look very attractive. Mind you, this was less of a ‘this is making me question my sexuality’ sort of problem, and more of a ‘being punched in the chest by the feelings I should not have’ sort of problem.

They then proceeded to, of course, show off, including the voice training they’d apparently done at some point.

Luckily, a minute later I was actually saved by Grace coming out of her room wearing… brown, triangular animal ears? And a belt with a brown medium length tail attached? And then just her normal outfit?

“Oh, right, Grace is going as a dog girl,” Riley explained.

“A werewolf! I spent way too much time, effort, and money getting rid of my body hair to now attach some fake stuff that feels even worse.”

“Whatever you say, pubby.” They actually winked at her.

Grace let out a noise that was probably the closest humanly possible to an actual growl, before turning my attention to me.

“And where’s your costume?”

I let out an admittedly rather bad fake laugh. “Oh no, would you look at the time, we’re not going to have the time to stop at a store if we want to get to the party on time,” I said, awkwardly attempting to look at the wall clock we did not have.

What? We were all uni students and this place was barely furnished anyways.

She looked at me with eyes that could kill, and simply said, “Okay, wanna be like that? We’ll just have to figure something out once we get there.”

Well, the costume issue had been a future me problem until it became a current me problem, but with this ominously threatening response, it became a future me problem again, so overall I’d say I was pretty successful.

We then proceeded to walk our way to the party. Or, well, me and Grace walked; Riley was busy jumping slightly with every step and humming happy melodies (like, geez, I get it, you’re living out the dream, there’s no need to rub it in).

Luckily, there were other things to get anxious over — like the fact I was most likely going to be the only person at the party without a costume. You’d think someone as anxious as me would avoid standing out at all costs, and you’d be right, but in this situation, I didn’t really have a choice. Absolutely all the costumes my size that I could even bring myself to try on somehow made me look even worse than usual, and given just how disgustingly ugly I already was, the costumes themselves became ruined beyond any use. I’d even tried on a Frankenstein’s Monster costume in a desperate attempt to lean into it (since I would never try something so distinctly masculine in normal circumstances), but I somehow managed to be too contorted and hideous even for that…

In other words, standing out and potential judgmental looks were better than becoming a walking, one-person freak show.

For better or for worse, the walk wasn’t very long, so we ended up at the front door rather quickly. After a couple of knocks, we got welcomed by Grace’s friend who was hosting the party, dressed up as a witch, which was a bit of an odd choice considering that according to what I knew she was an actual witch. I got a bit side-eyed, probably because of the lack of costume, but besides that the introduction was thankfully painless.

Not including the three of us, the party had exactly a dozen people, and apparently we were the last invitees to come, so that number would thankfully not be getting bigger. People’s costumes were generic for the most part, though they seemed to be higher effort than just the cheap ones grabbed randomly from a store. There were three people dressed as vampires, each in a different style, and apparently they’d either found each other to talk to, or coordinated the whole thing. There was also a Sylveon (or a Sylveon-girl? Either way, that person had great taste), and one that I couldn’t quite decipher — a shorter chubby girl wearing entirely lime green clothes with the same colored body paint on her face and other exposed parts of her skin.

Overall, the party as well as the party-goers seemed pretty chill, with none of the wild college student party stuff I was afraid of, which was definitely appreciated.

The host of the party clapped twice to get everybody’s attention, as she stood two steps up the stairs leading to the second floor. “Okay, now that we have everybody here, it’s time for the main event. Not everybody knows what it is this time, but I’ve been told it’ll be better to keep this part as a surprise. Get ready, everybody, I’m about to cast the spell!”

“Oh, that sounds exciting!” Riley exclaimed.

I did not share the same optimism about unknown things outside my control, but judging by the smirk on Grace’s face, it was a part of whatever plan she was plotting, so I decided not to panic too much.

I was rather startled by several flashes that emanated from pretty much every person in the room… except for me. Carefully reopening my eyes, I looked around to assess the situation, and— people had been turned into what they were dressed up as.

For some reason, I felt like I should have seen that coming.

I tried very hard to busy my eyes with anything that wasn’t the nearby source of surprised self-examination noises, though it was difficult given the overall small amount of changes most people had gone through (kinda a waste of transformation if you asked me), with a small exception of the green person who turned out to be a slime girl.

Wait, how did that work? How did the spell know green paint and clothes meant slime girl?

Distracted enough by the curiosity about the spell, my eyes wandered onto Riley, who was seemingly hypnotized by their hands, and— Oh come on, they already had very feminine hands, they almost hadn’t changed at all, why did they need to be such a—

I cut my thoughts short before they could get too bad, and chastised myself, shaking my head. Those were even worse than the other inappropriate thoughts I was having.

I turned towards Grace, who was watching Riley with an amused smirk on her face, at least until she noticed I was looking at her almost immediately and frowned.

“I am going to go and, uh, confirm something real quick,” she said, heading towards the host.

That reminded Riley that the world around them did, in fact, still exist, and they decided to make it my problem. “Hey, this is really fucking cool, isn’t it?”

“Y-yeah,” I mumbled.

“I bet you’re really regretting being a stick in the mud and not joining me, huh?”

I had to admit, that one physically hurt. If the feelings from earlier were like getting punched in the chest, this felt like being stabbed.

“Actually… I think I need to step out and calm down a bit if that’s okay,” I said, barely above a whisper.

“Oh, shoot, a lot of stuff is happening, isn’t it? Good luck.”

I had to admit, it felt nice to have friends that were understanding of my anxiety spikes and sensory overloads, especially when I wasn’t using them as an excuse to mask my other issues, and, despite their denseness and over-excitability, Riley was always good about this stuff.

Grace, on the other hand… I knew that, the moment she saw that I had left, she would know something else was up. She always knew when something else was up, somehow.

Walking outside, I was taking deep breaths and doing my best to deal with the thoughts just like I dealt with every other problem in my life. I was a sensitive, weak person, so there were simply a lot of things that I couldn’t handle, which created a big problem — I had a lot of things that I could do absolutely nothing about, except for getting stressed and anxious when thinking about them, so the solution was to simply not think about them. Was that a good way to deal with my problems? Of course not, I had no good ways available to me; this solution at least let me pretend I could live a life like everybody else around me. And if you pretend your problems aren’t real, they won’t be real until they catch up to you, which was, you guessed it, a future me problem.

Before I could even process what I was doing, I leaned my back against the outer wall of the house, which caused a spike of anxiety to run through me. I was always scared of leaning against stuff outside, since it was hard to tell if something was dirty enough to leave a mark on my clothes. Not that I cared that much about needing to clean my clothes, but having dark marks on the back of your hoodie, it would probably attract a lot of negative attention. At this point it should be clear that I really did not like almost any type of attention on me, especially the negative type.

I managed to get about one and a half of a deep breath before I was surprised by an ‘ahem’ coming from next to me.

I let out an ‘eep’ as I jumped, realizing there was now a person next to me that definitely did not walk up there.

After getting a moment to process, I realized this person was the host of the party, but she was no longer a witch. I mean, she still probably was, but she was no longer dressed like one, and instead… Seriously, a fourth vampire?

“Y-you changed?” I asked. It probably wasn’t the most pressing question, but it was the one that was on my mind at that moment.

“I did. The spell shouldn’t be able to change me in a way that would prohibit me from finishing the casting process, but you can never be too safe, hence the witch costume,” she explained. “Just because I technically bring the average back up to one costume per person doesn’t mean you’ll be getting away with showing up without one. That’s quite rude if you ask me.”

“Listen, I… I couldn’t find anything that fit, and I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s day by showing up looking worse than I already do…”

She raised an eyebrow at that, but otherwise didn’t comment on my choice of words. “Well, just so you know, that won’t be a problem with my spell in play. Costumes are more of a guide to the right thoughts than a requirement, so the spell should be able to transform you if you just think hard enough on what you want to be as long as it’s still in effect, which is until midnight. Just something to think about.”

Wait. The spell worked off of thoughts instead of costumes?

That explained the slime girl!

Well, there were probably other thoughts I could be having at that revelation, but I didn’t have to have them, right?

Just as I remembered that I was in the presence of someone else and raised my head to look at her, she was gone, just as suddenly as she arrived. Honestly, I didn’t know what her sensibilities were to consider coming to a party in comfy clothing rude, but not consider randomly teleporting right next to people without a word not rude. Unless she intended to be rude, I guess.

Of course, I couldn’t get much time to rest my anxiety-riddled brain, as I heard Grace calling for me, right before she turned around the corner and saw me.

“Good, here you are… I was scared you ran away this time, given the… yeah…”

I looked down and said, “I would never leave you two behind. I promised I’d be here with you…”

She smiled at me. “I know you rationally wouldn’t, but emotions can make people do things they normally wouldn’t. I’m glad you’re here.”

I knew why she was here. And I knew that she knew that I knew that. That didn’t stop me from trying to change the subject however.

“So… how’s Riley doing?” I asked.

“Still hyperactive and high on euphoria, though she was worried about you.”

My heart sank.

‘She.’

I discreetly interrupted our eye contact and responded with a simple “Oh…”

“Oh no, you’re not doing that, not today!” Grace exclaimed.

“D-doing what?” I looked back up at her in surprise, as I desperately hoped she hadn’t noticed the feelings I tried to hide even from myself.

“You know, the thing you just did. Where you got all gloomy and looked down as soon as I called Riley ‘she’.”

Oh no. She did notice.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about…” I averted my eyes again, hoping it would prevent her from reading me. As long as she didn’t realize I was aware of these feelings, she would probably go easy on me.

“Listen, I get that you’re able to hide it from most people, but that’s because they don’t know what to look for, and, more often than not, aren’t really paying attention. I am paying attention and know exactly what to look for. You did the exact same thing earlier when you saw Riley after the makeover. And when the idea of ‘crossdressing’ for this party first came up. And when I was finally gaining confidence in going full time. And when I bought and was trying on my first girl clothes. And when I came out to the two of you. And countless other times that very clearly indicate a shared pattern.”

She knew! She hadn’t just noticed it now, she’d noticed it every single time! That’s how she always knew when something else was going on with me, she knew what that something was!

I was actually feeling chills of cold sweat all over my body as I panicked.

“I’m… I’m sorry!” I yelled, pulling my hood on and dragging it down to cover as much of my face as possible.

Grace actually waited a couple of seconds before responding. “I know this can be hard, but… You know about these feelings. And I know for a fact you know what they mean. You have nothing to apologize for.”

I just shook my head.

She put a hand on my shoulder. “Listen, you’re not alone. You don’t have to deny these feelings; that will only make them hurt more. I don’t know why you’re reacting the way you are, but we can do this together.”

At that, I flinched and moved away from her hand. “No, we can’t!”

“W-why?”

“Because it could never work! I mean, look at me! I’m ugly and huge and disgusting and gross! I’m a lost cause, any attempt to act otherwise would be an insult to literally everybody, especially trans people!”

“Oh…” she responded. “So that’s how you see things, I see.”

“That’s not how I see things, it’s the truth!”

She just sighed at that. “Listen, I know that you’re very emotionally vulnerable right now, and that this topic in general has brought you a lot of hurt, so I need you to understand I’m saying this with nothing but love and care: you absolute fucking idiot!”

“W-wha?”

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, your supposed ugliness, of which the only ‘proof’ comes from your own mind, perhaps isn’t as objective as you think it is? You literally know what gender dysphoria is! You know how bullshit it can be from all the times you cheered me up from upset over tiny things that nobody would ever notice!”

“But… No, this is different…” I mumbled.

“As a person with her own eyes and a perception of aesthetics, I can assure you it’s not. We can get Riley over here to confirm if you want. Hell, we can ask the entire party if that’s necessary.”

That sounded like a lot of eyes on me, way too many. But also, I could tell she was absolutely sure it would go her way, and, well… I did trust her, that much was certain.

“Still though, even if you are right, there’s nothing I can do about it now…”

She simply looked at me, blinking a couple of times before saying, “Did you miss the part where I just got an entirely new, fully functional limb? I mean, there’s literally a girl inside that might not even be a carbon-based lifeform anymore! You can literally be whatever you want right now! In fact, that’s what I meant when I said we’d figure your costume out here.”

I looked down, uncertain. Even if it wasn’t in the way I thought, this was still becoming very real.

I looked back up at Grace for what felt like a millionth time that day and said, “Is… Is it really okay for me to do this?”

She put a hand on my shoulder and said, “Of course it’s okay. It’s always okay to be who you want to be.”

“Okay then.”

I started taking deep breaths, trying to settle myself on the idea of actually doing this.

You are reading story Future Me Problems at novel35.com

Grace squeezed my shoulder. “Hey, do you think you’ll be following in Riley’s footsteps? Or are you planning something more special? I can help pick something out if you want.”

Oh, right, a costume. I haven’t actually considered anything I’d actually want to go as, but at the same time, I could be anything. Going with just girl seemed like a wasted opportunity.

I looked at Grace’s fluffy ears. “Actually, I think I have just an idea.”

Walking back into the party while looking like a completely different person than when I left was a unique type of anxiety I discovered at that moment. The differences, unlike in Grace’s and Riley’s cases, were pretty significant. First of all, I was now the shortest person in the house, even including the cat ears (which Grace did not do). I had to admit that having a genuinely tiny stature was surprisingly comforting — I always felt like I took up too much space, and while part of that feeling was anxiety that still wasn’t anywhere near gone, it was still a huge relief.

As soon as Riley saw me, a huge, smug smile appeared on her face. “Well well well, what do we have here? Looks like someone wasn’t quite ready to pass up the once in a lifetime opportunity to have lots of fun.”

I looked at Grace expectantly. Since she used she/her for Riley, I thought she’d already did the talk with her.

Grace just rolled her eyes and sighed. “Riley, you’re literally experiencing gender euphoria right now. You’re a girl, and there’s no ‘once in a lifetime’ about it, you’re not going back.”

Riley somehow grinned even more. “Wow, that’s so cool! Hell yeah!”

Honestly, I didn’t know what reaction I was expecting, but that seemed about right. But also…

“Wait, but… the spell only lasts until midnight?” I asked.

“Yes, but it will only change you back if you want to; it’d be cruel if it didn’t work like that.”

I actually felt the hairs (fur?) on my tail stand as it raised in surprise.

I’d been tricked!

“That makes so much sense though!” Riley added. “So we’re both joining club girl today, right?”

“I mean… M-maybe…” I answered.

“Oh come on, it feels so much better, doesn’t it?”

I felt my face heat up as I looked away.

Of course it did! But I couldn’t just say that!

“Even I can tell how you feel, you just need to say it!”

I looked to Grace for help.

“You know what?” Grace asked. “Normally, I would be all for letting one go at their own pace with this kind of stuff, but I think I’ll be siding with Riley on one.”

“W-what?”

“I’m just saying, you’ll feel better when you say,” Grace added.

“Oh, she’s right, just look at me! I’m a girl!” Just as Riley said that, she collapsed into a fit of giggles.

After she calmed down a bit, and I took some more deep breaths, I was ready to concede.

“Fine,” I grumbled.

Steeling so much resolve the second time in such a short amount of time wasn’t easy, but I was managing.

“imagirl,” I mumbled.

“What was that?” Riley asked, even though I could tell by her smug grin she knew exactly what I said.

“I’m a girl, okay?!” I blurted out before I could stop myself. “There, I said it, are you happy now?!”

Grace raised her eyebrow at that. “Are you?”

I looked away as my face heated up again. “Yes…” I admitted.

“Okay, now that we got that confirmed, there’s something I wanted to do, specifically as girls. Are you up for it?” Riley asked me.

I was skeptical of accepting such an offer without knowing what she meant, but, despite her attitude, Riley usually knew what would be a good idea better than me.

“Okay,” I responded.

She then walked closer up to me, took my face in both hands, and— kissed me?!?

Before I could even process what was happening, she’d already moved away, but it definitely lasted a couple of seconds.

If earlier I’d felt my face heating up, now it felt like my entire body was overheating.

“So, what do you think, is kissing better as a girl?” Riley asked, as if she hadn’t just casually done something that had a lot of potential meanings and implications.

“I-I don’t know! I’ve never kissed before!” I admitted.

She raised an eyebrow. “Really? I mean, I guess that makes sense given your anxiety, but you were pretty attractive even before…”

“No, I wasn’t! I was ugly and disgusting and gross!”

Riley’s eyes went wide at that. “Oh wow, even I can tell that that’s just dysphoria.”

“See, I told ya,” Grace added.

Riley meanwhile moved her hand to scratch me behind my ears.

That wasn’t not part of my goal with them, but given the circumstances I was still a bit grumpy.

“Those are so fun, I hope the non-human parts stay too,” she mused.

“Wait, what?” Grace said. “I’m gonna go and quickly confirm something again.”

Riley laughed pretty much the entire time she was gone.

As Grace came back with a hard to read expression on her face, Riley said, “I was going to ask what the answer was, but I’m pretty sure I know, given that wagging tail you got there, pubby.”

“Oh no, I am not going to be flustered by your dense ass!”

“Ha, good luck with that! I might be an idiot, but I’m a self-aware idiot; good luck turning the tables on me!”

In a blink of an eye, Grace had Riley pinned against the wall, her hand right resting right next to Riley’s head.

“You know, that is not the only way to fluster people.” Grace’s voice was suddenly lower and… seductive?

What was going on with those two?!

Riley, presumably in an attempt to seize control of the situation, planted a quick kiss on Grace’s lips.

“Heh, that’s cute,” Grace commented, “but some things only come with experience.” By the end of that sentence, she was practically whispering into Riley’s ear.

Riley was… wow, I didn’t know it was possible to actually blush that hard in real life.

Oh, and now they were kissing, but, umm, more intensely than when Riley kissed me.

Oh wow, they were going for quite a bit, huh.

Riley was starting to make… noises into the kiss.

Umm… Was it okay for me to watch that?

I mean, we were in a room with twelve other people, but that felt strangely… intimate for something for a third party to watch.

I probably should have averted my gaze, but for some reason I didn’t until they were finally finished.

Only then have I realized that my face was feeling oddly warm again.

I could see Grace approaching me in the corner of my eye.

“What do you think, kitten, do you want it to be your turn now?” she asked.

While I looked down, I did turn in her general direction. “I… I don’t know how any of this works, to be honest.”

“Oh, there’s only two rules. First one, all parties involved must want what is about to happen.”

I shyly raised my head to look at her face. “And what’s the second rule?”

She smiled. “The second rule is to have fun, of course. So, do I have your consent?” she asked as she put a curled finger under my chin to make sure I wouldn’t look away.

I made an almost imperceptibly small nod, but mercifully, that was enough for her to go ahead.

I could tell she was much gentler with me than she was with Riley, not that I minded. In fact, this time that I could actually process what was happening, I, umm… really enjoyed it.

It was embarrassing to admit even to myself, but I really hoped it wouldn’t be a one-time thing.

After Grace finished kissing me, and we all recovered from the unpredicted (at least for me) turn of events, we moved on to more regular party activities. It turned out that, despite everything that had happened, my anxiety was still too much for me to fully participate in everything, especially the stuff that involved strangers, but that was okay.

I did manage to get a turn of playing a hidden role board game with some people though. And by that I meant that I got the evil role and then did absolutely nothing to accomplish my assigned goals, since I’d feel too bad betraying everybody. After people started getting suspicious nobody was dying, both Grace and Riley figured out it was me.

As midnight was nearing, I noticed Riley started entering her tired silly mode (yes, even sillier than usual), so I walked up to Grace, who was talking with some people I didn’t know (she apparently knew everybody at that party to some degree), and I touched her to get her attention.

“Hey, I think we need to be going soon, Riley’s getting tired,” I said.

Grace just smiled down at me. “Did you just poke me with your tail?”

My face heated up and I looked away. “That’s… irrelevant.”

As we walked out into the cold not-quite-November air, I quickly realized that my hoodie and sweatpants weren’t enough for that weather anymore.

“W-when did it get so c-cold?” I asked through gritting teeth.

Grace looked at me for a bit, then took off her jacket and put it on my shoulders. “E will do that for you. I think I actually got better body heat in the deal with the werewolf stuff.”

I gratefully accepted it and put my hands in the sleeves. It was surprisingly warm and comfy for something so oversized.

However, as I walked between my friends, when we were about one third of the way to our place, I realized something. “My hands are still cold…”

“You’re really asking for it, huh?” Riley said as she reached out and started holding my hand.

Huh?

Before I noticed, Grace started doing the same with my other hand.

“I-I didn’t… I didn’t mean it like that…” I stuttered.

Riley chuckled, looked at Grace over my head, and said, “The worst part about it is you know she’s being honest.” After a bit, she added, “Honestly, you make much more sense like this.”

Grace sighed at that. “She really does.”

I was probably never going to be cold again, with how hot my face was getting.

All good things had to come to an end though, and eventually we arrived at our place. Riley was first to take the bathroom, while me and Grace sat down on the sofa.

Despite not feeling as sleepy as Riley, I still felt an urge to curl up and sleep somewhere warm.

My shoulder was already touching Grace’s where she’d sat; maybe it would be okay if I leaned into it a bit.

As I laid on her shoulder, I started considering that maybe it would be okay if I closed my eyes for a bit.

As her hand started scratching behind one of my ears and I felt a gentle rumble emanate from within me, I finally thought: maybe it would be okay if I ended the best day of my life in a kinda selfish way.