Chapter 17: 6.1

GHML – Chapter 6.1: Search: How To Be A Pain In The Ass (1)

Shang Jing could feel the difficulties of their marriage from the bowl of dumpling skin.

This cannot be tolerated.

I’m so angry.

So angry I can’t stomach these.

This won’t do. This concerns my favorite dumplings!

He shot up from his seat. In three large strides, he stopped in front of He Jiang and picked up the plate of dumplings.

He Jiang’s chopsticks hovered in midair. His delicious plate of dumplings was suddenly replaced by an unappetising bowl of dumpling skin soup.

He furrowed his brows. He was sure the dumplings had not looked that bad when he took them off the flame earlier on.

Due to the constant rain, the temperature had dropped by a few degrees. He Jiang surveyed Shang Jing who was wolfing down the dumplings and knocked on the table to get his attention. He ordered, “Go change into a pair of long pants.”

Shang Jing subtly rolled his eyes and replied defiantly, “No.”

In return, with a dumpling in his mouth, he growled, “What are you looking at? Hurry and eat. Don’t you dare waste food.”

He Jiang was speechless. He took a sip of the soup. The dumpling fillings had disintegrated into the water that was used to boil them. It was an indescribable gastronomic experience.

He savored the soup with one hand, one spoon at a time. With the other, he texted Lin Lin, instructing her to hire a helper who was familiar with making nutritious meals to prepare their three meals.

Why does it feel like I am bringing up a rebellious son who will one day drive me to my grave?

This would not do. Even if he had decided to let Shang Jing off, he had to let him suffer for at least two more days.

He pondered over his choices and said, “A helper will be coming over in the afternoon to make lunch.”

Before Shang Jing could celebrate, he added, “I’ll give you a week’s time to learn how to cook from her. If you don’t, you can forget about eating.”

Shang Jing was speechless. It seemed the point in the diary about ‘Hubby does not like my cooking’ was true. They had just started cohabitating and He Jiang had totally disregarded his injury and found him a teacher.

However, hiring a teacher or not was He Jiang’s business, to learn or not was his.

Shang Jing agreed superficially, “Mm.”

Forget it, I’ll just enjoy a week of meals from the helper first.

He Jiang raised his eyebrows. There was nothing else he had to say to him.

What was there to talk about with one’s ex-boyfriend? Talk about their past? Or humiliate oneself by talking about the root of their breakup?

When Shang Jing was done with his meal, considering He Jiang was the one who prepared the meal, he carried both dishes to the sink to wash them.

But while he was scrubbing the dishes, he reflected.

I should not be the one doing the dishes.

Looks like his simp characteristics were still affecting him. He should seek help from the Baidu community.

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He was going to find a way to torture He Jiang to the point he regrets his past actions.

The thought of He Jiang doing the laundry, cooking meals and carrying his foot bath water, all the while calling him ‘Hubby’, pleased Shang Jing.

“You…” Just then, He Jiang entered the kitchen and said emotionlessly.

“I’m done with the dishes!” Shang Jing jumped up in shock.

Putting down the dishes in his hand, he guiltily detoured around He Jiang and ran back to his room, locking the door behind him.

He was annoyed at himself.

I am such a weakling. To feel this much guilt from just thinking about it, how am I going to achieve my goal?

He Jiang was stunned by the sudden turn of events. A complicated array of emotions spiraled in him.

Shang Jing immediately searched the web: How to be a pain in the ass.

He was ultimately a soft hearted person. He needed to find a strong leader to guide him.

But there was no clear solution on the web. Instead, Shang Jing looked through a few forums that shared real life stories of boyfriends and girlfriends finding faults with each other in every way possible.

In the end, he only had one thought in his mind. They should break up.

Throwing a tantrum after her other half failed to reply to her text within ten minutes and bombing his boss and colleauges with phonecalls if he did not reply within half an hour;

Berating his other half for replying to a work text while they were on a date and embarrassing them by shouting at them on a public train;

Getting her other half to write a 10k word reflection for not sending an auspicious amount when transferring money to her;

Sending him to a certain stall to buy crayfish for her in a middle of a stormy night and insisting he wake the boss up when the stall had already closed for the day;

and imposing a fifty yuan penalty each time they spoke to someone of the opposite gender.

…

These stories got him seething.

Shang Jing had been humbled. There were definitely experts out there. He proceeded to delete all his childish plans and replaced them with a nightmarish one.

He archived twenty of those case studies as references and arranged them according to their level of severity, from least severe to the most severe. He would carry them out in sequence

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Shang Jing felt like he had been introduced to a whole new world in the past hour. He summarized his new learnings into two sentences.

Being a pain in the ass is a form of art where you do not stop until you achieve what you set out to do.

An outstanding pain in the ass would never sacrifice themselves in the course of torturing others.

Him engaging in a stalemate with He Jiang out in the rain with his bandaged head was an absolute no-no.

Just wait and see, He Jiang.

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