Chapter 36: S-20. Massage Envy

Four days after Laria got her Telepresence Doll, things calmed down enough that we were able to move the Beelzebub corpse into one of 433 Eros’ docking bays. Bay 21 was originally designed to accommodate large carrier vessels, but the asteroid’s crew had modified it with biohazard upgrades so they could dissect the giant insect’s corpse in relative safety.

Zoonosis had never been observed between Earth life and the Sarcophage and their chirality was opposite from humanity’s. However, many of the substances in their bodies were highly toxic to humans, hence the biohazard protocols taken when studying them.

Sabina, Genevi, Miette and myself were on corpse transport duty. We affixed self-contained ion thrusters to key points around the corpse, and I remotely operated them to slowly, carefully steer the critter into the prepared bay. As my Frame body eased it inside, my Doll body watched it enter from a viewing port adjacent to the bay, behind a thick plexiglass window. Zehra was there alongside me, practically drooling in anticipation.

“BWAHAHAHA! I can’t wait to cut that thing apart and see what makes it work, gao~n!”

At least now her urge to dissect things is directed away from me! I thought with a conflicted sense of relief.

“Don’t get your hopes up.” I cautioned her. “Miette melted the insides pretty good. There aren’t organs in there so much as… flesh slurry.” I stuck out my tongue in disgust, remembering when I was coated in that vile viscera.

“It’s all good, gao~n! Even the chance to study the exoskeleton is unprecedented. A Beelzebub’s chitin is tougher than any substance known to our science, gao~n. If we could make Gravity Frame armor out of the same material, it would be incredible!” Her eyes were glowing with anticipation.

“Please don’t go coating my new Frame in insect chitin.” I retched at the thought. “The last thing I want is nasty bug parts stuck to me!”

“Aww, c’mon! It will make you nearly invulnerable, gao~n!” Zehra was pushing this idea really hard.

“No way! Getting coated in bug guts once was enough!” I stood my ground, spurred on by those gross memories of being inside the Beelzebub. “If you build me a new body that’s part insect, there’s no WAY I’m putting my mind in it! The very thought is vile!”

“Insects are the most successful group of animals on Earth, gao~n. Over half of all animal life is insects!”

“Guh. Thank you for that creepy thought, mom. Now I’m not gonna sleep at night.” As a robotic being I didn’t need sleep, but my fondness for human metaphors wasn’t waning in the slightest.

“C’moooooooon.” Zehra whined. “Just a bit of chitin for the armor plating! I promise you won’t look buglike at all, gao~n! Plus…” she leaned over to me and whispered, “if you let me carbon-coat the chitin, it means your next paintjob will survive decontamination procedures, gao~n.”

Gah, that argument is super-effective! I lamented. My gorgeous white-and-pink floral paintjob had been stripped away by my last round of decontamination, and even though I had breathlessly described it to Zehra I wasn’t able to show it to her firsthand. Currently I was back to my boring gunmetal grey armor plating, and the mechanics were all too busy moving their equipment into Docking Bay 19 to indulge me in another paint session.

“P-Paintjob, you say…” I reluctantly invited her to continue.

“Yup! I can incorporate your design directly into the chitin-armor via paint injection and put carbon sealant over it to make sure it stays shiny and new, even if you get all coated in bug guts again, gao~n!” She had a mischievous look on her face as she attempted to strike a devil’s bargain with me.

“GAH! FINE!” I moaned. “Bug armor in exchange for an indestructible paintjob! But if the design looks like a giant insect, the deal is OFF! Make me sleek and cool like a powerful heroic robot, not gross like a giant space mantis, okay? If it looks like Kamen Rider I’ll be super pissed!”

“Agreed, gao~n!” Zehra seemed pleased with herself. With renewed energy, she set about ordering her biohazard research crew to begin cutting apart the Beelzebub.

*****

The talk of paintjobs inspired me to reapply my own. Since the mechanics were still busy moving equipment (and I was remote-controlling three Gravity Frames to assist them), I elected to use my android body for the task. Curiously, Laria insisted on accompanying me to help. She seemed eager to talk with me.

Since the two of us were operating androids, we didn’t need to wear any protective equipment and could work far faster than humans, which meant the process should only take a few hours. I uploaded the design for my paintjob to Laria, and the two of us grabbed power sprayers and got to work. As we began to apply my white base coat to my Frame, Laria told me of the recent developments between herself and the captain. When she got to the juicy part, I let out a delighted squeal.

“A SHOULDER MASSAGE?! That’s GREAT!” I was excited for her.

“Ehehehe, I know, right?” Laria was blushing adorably and giggling. Such shy mannerisms suited her well. “I figure I have to be proactive, right? The captain would never initiate anything because of her position, but she didn’t seem opposed to my advances. At the very least, she agreed to let me massage her again.”

“A massage with a happy ending…” I mused. Laria appeared to get the reference and blushed hard while waving her hands in denial. “Ahahaha, sorry, my mind goes weird places sometimes.” I apologized.

“SOMETIMES?!” Laria asked incredulously.

“Okay, most of the time. Still, I’m super jealous! I wonder if Miette needs a shoulder massage…” Surely she had some tension that needed working out, right?

“If you’re going to attempt it, I developed an algorithm specifically for the procedure.” Laria straightened her glasses and went back into nerd mode. “In my ten years of service as Radiolaria's AI I have observed no less than 1,249 separate shoulder massages, and I combined this knowledge with detailed studies of human anatomical data to create a technique that is extremely effective. I will upload the algorithm to you, Sveta.”

Now that was classic Laria for you. I was more of a spur-of-the-moment person, but she exhaustively researched everything and formed complex plans of execution. You might call that one of her charm points.

“Ahaha, I appreciate that. I might steal your technique for use on Miette.” Just the thought of giving her a shoulder massage was sending shivers up my spine and… other places as well.

“I highly advise it. The results were extremely satisfying.” There was that blush again, and her eyes unfocused a bit she lost herself in the memory. She shook her head to clear out the wayward thought and continued. “If I may offer another suggestion?”

“Hmm?”

“Miette is unlikely to realize your affections unless you state them directly. She seems to be… somewhat oblivious in matters of the heart, at least when they relate to her.” Laria’s tone was sympathetic, but her words cut right to the point.

I felt a twinge of pain shoot through my spine at her devastatingly accurate assessment. “You’re not wrong there. I’m practically clinging to her arm and she sees me as some kind of pet!” I let out a long sigh.

“Which is why I believe a direct confession is the only thing that will get through to her. To facilitate that, may I suggest taking her out on a date?” Laria casually said something very bold.

Ohh? What’s this? Laria’s my behind-the-scenes wingman?

“Huh? A date? Hmm… that’s not a bad idea, but where would we go? We’re on a military research station in the middle of a battlefield.” This world didn’t seem like one with a lot of romantic date sites scattered throughout.

“I anticipated that response and did some research beforehand.” Laria’s tone was slightly smug as she prepared to present the results of her research to me. “It would seem 433 Eros has a not insignificant number of recreational facilities due to its large population. I have extensively searched out information on ‘potential date sites’ within the facility and I have arrived at one particular option I believe will offer an excellent backdrop for both a date and a confession of love.”

I was impressed by her thoroughness, and my interest was piqued. “Go on.”

“As you are likely aware, the Christmas holiday occurs three weeks from yesterday, on Saturday the 25th of December. I believe they celebrated it in your world.”

“Yeah, we did!” As far as I could tell, our two timelines only diverged a little over a century ago, so something like Christmas was still present in both worlds.

“Christmas has long been regarded as a romantic holiday suitable for confessions of love, at least in our world. Does that hold true for yours as well?” Laria tilted her head as she asked the question.

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“Uh… mostly, yeah.” Certain cultures from my world thought of Christmas as a holiday for couples, whereas others regarded it as a time to spend with family. I came from one of the latter, although I had heard quite a few stories about romances that were consummated on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

“As I thought. 433 Eros holds an annual Christmas celebration for three days in a row; Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. The facility’s central public park is decorated via holography, with a massive Christmas tree in the center. At night, the park is aglow with a spectacular display of lights. The local collective farm provides fresh produce and baked goods in food stalls, and there are several other events as well, including a beauty contest and a public concert. You might think of it as something like a Christmas festival.”

“Oh! That sounds incredible! I’m amazed they could set up something so elaborate in the middle of a warzone, though…” This world was impoverished and almost every resource was poured into the war, so I was surprised the residents found the time or supplies to throw this kind of celebration. Then again, humans are remarkably resourceful even in the most desperate circumstances.

“It is the one time a year the people of Eros can freely celebrate, and they pour everything into it. For example, I’m told the farm stashes away food all year to have a surplus for the event. The public concert is put on by residents who play instruments as a hobby, not as a profession. And ultimately, the decorations are all holograms, so there is no consumption of materiel to worry about.”

That’s kinda sad in its own way. I wonder if they’ll be a terrible Night Ranger cover band or something like that. Wait, did Night Ranger even do any Christmas songs?!

Laria kept talking, interrupting my internal monologue. “Since the Radiolaria will have taken delivery of our new Gravity Frames by then, the captain intends to grant leave to everyone for one of those three days. Each member of the crew will have either December 23rd, 24th or 25th off in order to attend the festivities. That is contingent on the Sarcophage not attacking during that period, of course. The captain regards it as an excellent opportunity to boost morale.”

“Ooooh! That’s incredible! Wait, does that mean Miette will…” Laria’s plot was slowly dawning on me.

“Indeed. She will be on leave for Christmas Eve. She will be free the ENTIRE day.” Laria looked very self-satisfied as she delivered that revelation. In this case, she deserved it. I was filled with joy.

“L-Laria!” I stuttered. “Is it really okay to be telling me all this?! It hasn’t been announced officially yet, right?”

“It will be announced tomorrow. I am merely giving you an opportunity to think about what you want to say to Miette in order to invite her out, and I trust you to keep this information to yourself. Think of it as a prime opportunity to advance your relationship by making your feelings abundantly clear to her against a romantic backdrop.” Laria smiled at me.

“L-Laria… that’s… thank you so much! I’m gonna ask her out for sure!” I would have thrown my arms around her if we both weren’t holding power paint sprayers. I’d have to snuggle her after we finished instead!

As the two of us continued our painting, my head was swirling with ideas. Should I wear a Santa outfit? Or a SKIMPY Santa outfit?! I bet that would catch Miette’s eye! I wonder if they let AIs into the beauty contest. And an evening confession in front of a brightly-lit Christmas tree… that’s so romantic! Just you wait, my precious pilot, I’ll make my feelings clear to you yet!

*****

Laria and I finished painting, and I got my opportunity to give her a big snuggly thank-you hug (much to her protest). After that she took her leave, I drank in my floral design, resplendent once more in its pink-and-white glory. It was then that Miette, awakening for the day, lazily drifted into the hanger.

“Mornin, Sveta.” She let out a huge yawn. “Must be nice not needing to sleep, huh?”

“Ahaha, kinda. I do miss dreaming, though.” I responded wistfully.

“Oh, I see you got your paintjob back! Nice work!” She flashed me a thumbs up.

“Thanks! Laria helped me since the mechanics are all busy right now.” I was happy she had noticed.

Miette looked at me slyly. “Laria? No way! Did you bribe her into it? You got dirt on her or something?”

“NOTHING OF THE SORT! She was just being nice!” I protested.

Miette chuckled. “Laria being nice? Hell must have frozen over by absorbing all the cold from her personality.”

“Hey, be polite!” I tutted. “Laria’s a really good person once you get to know her!”

“I know, I know. I was just teasing.” She sounded only slightly apologetic.

Miette opened a sealed bag of plankton slurry for breakfast and began to suck it up. She often ate on the go like this, eager to get to work. Personally I thought she could stand to eat a few more of Vicky’s home cooked morning meals, since we were stationed right next to Zehra’s lab, but Miette preferred to spend the time tinkering with my systems.

As she drifted into my cockpit, I followed her with my Doll body. She got to work goofing around in my wiring while slurping up the slurry. I prayed no globs of it would go drifting into any important circuits and short me out.

After she had worked for a bit, I sidled over to her and popped the question.

“Hey Miette, would you like a shoulder massage?” My tone was low and sultry, although that detail may have been lost on her.

“A what?!” She looked at me with wide eyes.

“You know, a shoulder massage! To relieve tension and help you relax!” I proclaimed.

“I’m not THAT tense. I just woke up!” she responded.

“Nonsense! Those cots are hard and rickety, and the mattress is thinner than tissue paper! Those abominations they call pillows are undeserving of the name! You probably put a kink in your joints just by sleeping on those nasty things!” I was insistent.

“Huh, well. That is true. Still, a shoulder massage… it’s been years…” she was still hesitant. I gave her my big liquid doe eyes, and that pushed her over the edge. “Oh c’mon, don’t give me that look. Fine, massage away.” She shrugged in resignation.

I slowly placed my hands at the base of her neck, feeling her shoulder muscles beneath the straps of her tank top. She shivered slightly as the tips of my fingers brushed her skin. I was looking forward to this.

This is it! The moment of truth! Laria Massage Algorithm 1.0, ENGAGE!

Just then, alarm kaxons surrounded throughout the hanger. As the two of us snapped to attention, Laria popped up in a chat window.

“One Sarcophage cruiser detected on LIDAR, direct trajectory for Eros. All Gravity Frame pilots, scramble!”

Miette quickly ducked out of my cockpit to put on her Inertia Suit. I let out a loud sigh of frustration.

God DAMN it! And I was just getting to the good part, too! I can’t believe I’ve been edged by the damn Sarcophage! I’m gonna make you alien bastards pay for this!

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