Chapter 12: Chapter 12 – Smart girl

Having woken up, I sit on the bed for a long time, feeling the cold floor under my feet. The sheets smell like last night.

I did my best to tie myself to Hart. He left me with the first sun ray. Okay, I'm not going to beat myself up because I gave up, or say that he took advantage of me. I wanted it. And when he said that he wanted me, it was like an electric shock. So I got what I wanted.

But still, I despise myself...

I force myself to get dressed and go to work, where another test awaits me.

Jack seemed to be waiting for me at the entrance.

"Hi," I say amicably. "Sorry again for yesterday..."

"Your ex?" He asks somehow sympathetically.

My future - I want to say... oh, nonsense...

"Something like that. It's complicated," I say. We go up to the studio. There is no one in the hallway.

"I didn't have time to walk you home yesterday and say thanks for the nice evening," Jack says, stopping short. "And ask you if you want to do it again."

Thoughts in my head are instantly entangled. Fortunately, I don't have to answer anything, because I'm called by the manager, and our administrator Catherine comes up to Jack. She does not look like Emma at all, she is more distant, but she does not try to set me up with anyone. And she's not a chatty person, and sometimes I miss the way I could talk to Emma.

I work without a break. And when a volunteer is needed for a field photo shoot, I'm in the car in two minutes. Just like a dog that was promised to be taken to a park...

Yes, I'm avoiding Jack because I don't know what to say.

All this relationship... so many complications. It was so much easier to love the dead! No surprises.

I return home around midnight, and I am so glad that it's Saturday. I'll hide in some box and...

Hart is waiting for me at the entrance of my condo. My heart makes a flip and falls into the deep silence between us... Hart doesn't say a word as we go up to my apartment.

I warm up yesterday's dinner, and we eat in silence. Just like the good old days.

In this silence, I have time to think. And I think... about what Hart might have on his mind and what he hides in his silence. I think about why he came again... I think about when I had time to fall in love with him and why exactly if we hardly spoke and spent so little time together. And every time I saw Hart, he always appeared in the most unfavorable light. At what most precious (and incredibly fleeting) moment did my heart catch something to fall in love with Hart? And is there a guarantee that this was not an illusion?

After dinner, Hart goes to the shower, I put the dishes away. Then I take a shower too. Hart is waiting for me in the bedroom.

Today he is even more persistent. Today he knows exactly what he wants. And I can only relax and let him have his way.

He doesn't admire my body, he owns it. But suddenly Hart stops and looks at my thigh, at the scar. He traces his palm over it, but I stop him with my hand.

This time Hart's not so clumsy, and he doesn't hurt me...

No, he does... with this silence that keeps too many things, it feels like a wall.

And I take what I can. Trading kisses. Holding him. Trying to prolong the illusion that we are close.

After all, I can't sleep for a long time. But Hart falls asleep almost immediately. He nuzzles my neck and tickles me with his breath. I turn and stare at his face.

It's strange when he's lying so close to me, a few minutes ago he was inside me, but he is not mine.

I want to kiss him... and I can't. I want to hug him... and I can't. Hart doesn't belong to me.

Kyle was mine as I was his. But it's not like that with Hart. And it hurts so much that I am ready to leave myself another scar of eight inches just to tear this love out of myself.

I thought that Hart wouldn't be here in the morning. I was ready for that. It's like I have a relationship with a ghost...

In the morning, this ghost suddenly decided to make breakfast. I woke up to the clink of dishes. For a long time, I don't dare to get up and check what is happening there...

Maybe it's a poltergeist? So I stay in bed and indulge myself to dwell on a fantasy that it's Hart. Although... the version with the poltergeist seems much more plausible.

In a fit of strange embarrassment, I pull on my pajama pants and a t-shirt and go to the kitchen. Hart is setting the table. Seeing me, he nods and turns away. The dishes begin to clink louder.

I sit down at the table and wait in silence while Hart finishes with the plates and the coffee pot. The result of his cooking is scrambled eggs with bacon and slightly burnt toast with cheese.

But... the thing is... I'm ridiculously happy about it all. Though I can't get rid of obsessive thoughts.

"I was going to take Natalie to the lake. I promised to ride her on a boat," suddenly says Hart, unbidden intruding into my thoughts. "Do you want to come with us?"

I try to maintain my composure and control my face, but can't help and stare at Hart with my eyes wide open.

What is going on? And what does it mean?

But instead of all this, I say, "Yeah, why not."

***

"How should I call you?" Natalie asks me when we are in the car.

"Gray, just Gray," I say, turning around. "And by the way, I never thanked you for your gift, for the pasta camera."

Natalie smiles.

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"Andy said you wouldn't like it!"

"No no! I really liked it. It's just Andy doesn't know me very well," I smile. Yes, I'll vent out my pain in every way possible.

"Aren't you friends?" she asks surprised.

What a smart girl, I'm already glad I went.

"I think we should ask Andy," I turn and look at Hart. "Are we friends, Andy, or what?"

Hart is cornered. The only escape is to jump out of the moving car, but he only grips the steering wheel tighter and casts a sidelong glance at me.

"We're friends, of course," he nods and frowns.

Well... that's something...

We arrive at the lake. While Hart is busy with the boat, Natalie and I choose a picnic spot. Natalie takes out sandwiches and a thermos of tea from two baskets. And a plush hare. While Hart is out of earshot, I decide to take a moment to ask something.

"Natalie, does Hart... I mean, Andy, have any more friends?"

She wrinkles her nose and frowns, just like Hart.

"I think not," she replies seriously. "So, don't fight, please. Sometimes he gets angry and can say mean things, but he is really kind. Mom says he's bad, but I know it's not true. She scolded him all the time while Andy was living with us. But it was long ago. And I miss him."

"Where is your dad?" This is a dangerous question, but still, I dare to ask.

"Dad? He's in jail. I don't go to see him. He didn't like Andy, he'd beat him all the time. It's good that he's in jail. I was afraid that he would beat me too."

"How long has he been in prison?"

Natalie thinks and ticks her fingers.

"Um... Four years already."

Hart finishes preparing the boat. I need to get Natalie back into a cheerful mood.

"Do you have friends?" I ask. Fortunately, this little girl turns out to be more sociable than Hart and enthusiastically starts to tell me about each girl in her class. Hart comes up to us.

We eat and then go boating and feeding the ducks. Hart is on the oars, I make sure Natalie doesn't fall overboard. I give her bread for the ducks and explain why we can't catch even one little duckling.

From time to time, I try to make eye contact with Hart, but he looks thoughtfully at the water. However, as soon as I look away, out of the corner of my eye, I can see that he is looking at me.

What a child's game...

We return. It turns out that Hart also promised to show Natalie how to fly a kite. But for some reason, he did not learn how to do this. After watching their fruitless attempts for ten minutes, I go over and take the kite from Hart's hands and show Natalie how to catch the wind. Her genuine joy makes me smile. I turn to Hart and see him... take a picture of us with his phone.

Again, I have this strange feeling I had when I found my portraits in Hart's sketchbook. It seems so special when someone wants to capture your face. Not for a catalog of fashionable clothes or elite perfume, but just for themselves. This is probably how Kyle felt when I photographed him ten times a day. But it seemed to me that his face was changing all the time, and every time it was beautiful. I wanted to catch every little detail. I don't think Hart has the same thoughts exactly, but...

"Come on, I'll take a picture of you and Gray," Natalie runs to Hart and takes the phone away from him. Hart is confused. "Stand there, so that the lake can be seen. And the boat," the newly-made photographer commands. Hart stands next to me.

"Why are you so boring?! Come on, Andy, smile!" She clicks the button now and then, and every time she is unhappy with the result. Reminds me of someone. I smile at my thoughts.

"Andy! Do like Gray!" Natalie shouts.

Hart looks at me to figure out what to do and sees that I am smiling.

Oh Lord, the sky will fall now... Hart smiles. Or is his face cracked?! Someone call a doctor! No, false alarm. Hart really smiles. Although, still call a doctor, let him check my eyesight... and my pounding heart. I think it beats way too fast.

"Come on, do something else!" says Natalie demandingly. A future photographer, no less.

I can feel Hart's tension. I can't say that I'm all about the game, but Hart is Pinocchio compared to me. I'm a real boy, after all.

Okay, Natalie, let's blow his comfort zone to hell.

I take the oars from the boat and throw one to Hart. Natalie laughs and demands more.

I jump on Hart's back and shout, "Onward, my faithful Bolivar!" Natalie demands more.

I make Hart a mustache out of parsley and a beard for myself out of dill. Natalie bursts into unrestrained laughter but does not forget to take pictures.

"Where do I send the photos?" Natalie says busily as we drive in the car.

I smile and give her my business card. Natalie examines my card with interest and hides it in her pocket.

I ask Hart to drop me off near the subway station and say goodbye to him and Natalie. But I'm not going home. I wander through the city until dusk. At home, I have an unmade bed with Hart's scent and too many memories. So I run to my parents again.

I am in a good mood, and this dispels mom's worries. The next day, I help her paint the fence and mow the lawn. It helps me unwind.

In the evening, I check my messenger. Natalie sent photos as promised. My God, it's like from a parallel universe...

I know who I fell for...

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