Chapter 8: Chapter 8 – Postcard

For two weeks I've been existing in a half-dream. I am desperately trying to get myself back where I was. I arrange my feelings around the room, but they are all lifeless. They are like dried flowers, like the ones I left on your grave. The sun burned out their emerald foliage and dried them. I remember what they were, I remember their smell, but they are no more.

To be completely honest, setting aside my plan to love you forever, when I met Hart, I immediately knew that I would fall for him. And all this time I tested myself, knowing that every day got me closer to the moment when these feelings will prevail. And I am a traitor because I wanted this, I was waiting for this. I wanted to love again.

We were together for two years, but for me, it was a life. And I wanted it to stay this way.

Is Hart right, and I am playing a good boy with high morals but unable to resist my passions?

Or - and this thought seems even more terrifying - maybe you were not my one and only, and we weren't destined for each other? Forgive me for these thoughts. But you left me so early.

I decided that no one else would take your place in my heart. And I almost kept my word. Nobody took your place. But it turned out there is another place in my heart. Hart opened it and took up residence in it. And I miss him. And somehow it's akin to longing for you.

Perhaps this is my weakness... So much I don't want to be alone?

Yes, I knew for sure that I would fall in love with him. And that nothing would come of it. As if I wanted to make myself suffer. And at the same time, I reveled in these feelings like a teenager.

Marcus calls me and literally demands to"quit with this childishness" and get back to work. I'm pleased.

The next day I go to the studio with my father. The father, as always, is silent. Earlier it seemed to me that our relationship with him was far from perfect. But I am glad that he never tried to cut off my head... Although, probably, he did not accept me in full.

In the studio, oddly enough, everyone is happy to see me. Emma tries to break my bones with her strong hug and demands to tell me every detail of my two weeks absence and gets very upset when I just shrug it off.

"How is your roommate?" She asks.

I wish I knew... I hope he's alive at least.

Emma (I'm already scared) promises to help me find an apartment closer to the studio. A new project awaits me. After that, I'm promised a new full-time position. But something does not let me rejoice.

From the studio, my legs carry me to the loft, but my eyes stumble upon the sign "For Rent." Hart moved out...

I sit down on the steps and examine my shoes.

What, in fact, did I want?.. If he was here, then what?

For two weeks I've been thinking a lot, sitting at your grave. On the last day, I left an envelope with our photographs there... I don't think you'd want me to dwell on my grief... I would never want that for you. I believe... I want to believe that you will forgive me...

It's getting dark, but my journey is not over yet. I'm knocking on the door of Hart's mother's house. She only opens it slightly and glares at me through the narrow crack.

"Good evening, Mrs. Anker. Is Hart here?"

"Leave me alone for god's sake! You and that damned bastard!"

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And slams the door in my face. I turn around and walk slowly down the street. I am grateful to my mother that she never spoke to me like this...

A voice calls out to me, and I turn around to see Natalie. She is catching up to me.

"Are you Andy's friend?" she asks me.

"Yes," I nod a little hesitantly.

"And do you know where he is?"

"No... don't you know?"

"No," Natalie says sadly. "He's been away for a while. He sent me a postcard, I wanted to send an answer, but mom does not want to show me how to do it."

"Let me help," I say cheerfully. Natalie rejoices at her suddenly found ally and pulls out two postcards from a funny shoulder bag. "Here," she shows them to me. "Andy sent this one. And I want to send him this."

Her card says, "Andy, please, come back soon. I want to show you my new puppy. His name is Flick. And he is very fast and funny. Please come and we will play. Love, Natalie."

"Will you send it to him?" Natalie asks.

I look at the address on the postcard that Hart sent to his sister. It's somewhere in West Virginia... How did he even get there and why?!

"Yes," I reassure the little girl and leave.

At home, I google the place Hart sent the postcard from. It is a small town in the middle of the forests of West Virginia. I feel restless inside. I'm trying to be sensible. The project starts the day after tomorrow. Why should I see him right now? I can write him a letter too! And it would be rational on my part.

...at two in the morning, I buy a plane ticket to Charleston with a transfer in O'hare, there are no direct flights. It'll take me seven hours to get there... And then I will have to drive... I try not to think about it.

When my plane lands in Charleston, I hesitate and think about turning back, but instead, I go and rent a car. The clerk's watching me curiously as I'm sitting for fifteen minutes in the driver's seat with motor running.

On the highway, I hear a lot of honking, but my heart is pounding in my ears much louder. Though it is easier that there is no one in the passenger seat.

The road to the small mining town Hart's postcard was sent from took me 2 hours and 24 minutes.

I try not to think about the project. It's hard to think that I blew my chance to boost my career for the sake of... I don't even know what! It's just a vague feeling, but it's strong enough to make me do something so foolish.

In the town, the locals quickly point me to the right house. I'm sitting in the car for a long time, it's already getting dark.

The workers return home, but I don't see Hart among them. I'm sitting till it's completely dark. I doze off. And I wake up to a knock on the glass. Having turned, I see... or rather do not see, because the darkness is impenetrable. I hear his voice. Hart's husky voice.

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