C116 — Sobbing

Posted on October 2, 2022by UntamedS

 

 

Cai Bowen and Cheng Ying were in love when they were young.

 

 

It was a very innocent kind of school relationship, treating each other’s feelings very carefully and cautiously, not even holding hands, but when their love affair was broken by their parents, what awaited them was a round of mental torture.

 

 

“What are you taking me to do?!” Scared, Cheng Ying broke away from the male teacher’s hand, but in the next second, he was held by his own mother.

 

 

“Cheng Ying, Cheng Ying, behave, it’s just a simple examination ……” Mother Cheng said while crying, her hand shook slightly. In those days, medicine and education were not developed, coinciding with the arrival of A-IDS in China, which caused a lot of panic, a popular saying in the community, more than 90% of gay men would get A-IDS.

 

 

The doctor in the white coat looked at Cheng Ying’s pretty face with a subtle gaze, his tone cold and frivolous, “Has he touched you down there?”

 

 

Cheng Ying’s blo-od rushed to his head and he responded angrily: “What are you talking about! Watch your mouth! I have nothing to do with him!”

 

 

The doctor laughed, “It’s useless to be mean, you’d better be honest, or you’ll be the one who suffers. Boys of your age are most likely to do something impulsive, you really don’t know what you’re doing.”

 

 

The clinic room was filled with a lot of noise.

 

Fear, disgust, disbelief.

 

 

Cheng Poppy looked at his parents, teachers, the faces of these people, and suddenly felt strange, he was afraid, he wanted to run away from this place, but under the control of several adults, he forced to complete the examination.

 

 

A few days later, the Cheng family came home with the medical report, a big stone in their hearts finally dropped.

 

 

Just after returning home, a slap hit Cheng Ying’s face.

 

 

“Kneel down!” Father Cheng said majestically.

 

 

Cheng Ying didn’t kneel, with clear slap marks on his face, his gaze humiliated and stubborn.

 

 

“Kneel down!” Father Cheng walked to the back and kicked Cheng Ying’s knee, finally kicking him to break his pretentious arrogance.

 

“Do you know you’re wrong?”

 

“I’m not wrong!”

 

 

“You still think you’re right! You like men! If you ask anyone on the street, who doesn’t like girls, what are you doing? Okay, you don’t admit your mistake, do you?” Father Cheng pulled out the cane hanging on the wall and whipped Cheng Ying’s body viciously, “I want you to talk tough! I want you to be tough!”

 

 

Cheng Ying suffered in silence, not saying a word.

 

 

Mother Cheng couldn’t stand it anymore, she pulled Father Cheng and said in a hoarse voice: “Cheng Ying, just admit your mistake to your father. Who hasn’t made mistakes when they were young, as long as they are willing to correct them, you are still a good son to your mom and dad.”

 

Cheng Ying sneered, “Isn’t brother the only good son of mom and dad?”

 

 

Father Cheng was furious: “You’re still talking back, aren’t you? I think you just like making! If I don’t beat you until you obey me today, my name is not Cheng!”

 

 

The audience held their breath.

 

 

If it was a normal audience, in many cases they would follow the actors into the scene, except for the plot, seeing the film would leave an impression in their minds.

 

 

But those who could come only to the premiere were often not ordinary viewers.

 

There were many professional film critics among them.

 

 

They looked at the scene from a much more careful and tricky perspective than the general audience.

 

 

For example, the colors, such as the scene, such as the acting.

 

For example, here, the acting.

 

They saw the slightly twitching muscles on Cheng Ying’s face, the cheeks that bulged, everyone knew that Cheng Ying was on the verge of an outburst right now, and they were more worried about Zhou Yuhe than they were about the chaotic movie scenes that followed.

 

 

When dealing with this kind of rage, most young actors would overact, either hissing, glaring or smashing things, the whole body all out of control, so as to express the anger to the extreme emotions.

 

 

Although it was known early on that Zhou Yuhe was a very good actor, he was too young after all, and this scene of extreme humiliation, even the people watching couldn’t help but be angry, let alone him?

 

 

On the other side, after seeing his father in this way, Cheng Ying quickly shifted his eyes. His voice trembled with anger. The trembling was mixed with the character’s depression, unwillingness and hate.

 

 

“Is it not so?”

 

 

Film critics finally relaxed, he controlled it!

 

 

Cheng Ying said: “Since childhood you wanted me to use brother as the goal, what he did, I have to do, he became class president, I also have to run for class president; he got first in the city in his English recitation competition, I was also forced by you to go to English classes; he got into the Zhejiang, I have to go to Zhejiang University, culture classes has be attended, you forced me to learn piano in the art exam … …In your hearts, I am an appendage of my brother!”

 

 

“You, nonsense!” Father Cheng was so angry that he lost his words.

 

 

 

“Am I wrong? Didn’t you and mom give birth to me in the first place to provide a bone marrow for brother ……” Cheng Ying’s eyes were filled with tears, and the complex emotions in his eyes hit everyone present in a mountainous manner, causing hearts to throb.

 

 

Father Cheng was shocked for a moment, then glared at mother Cheng, “You told him?”

 

 

Mother Cheng’s eyes flickered.

 

Father Cheng said dryly, “We didn’t end up using your bone marrow ……”

 

 

“That’s because another match was found, what if it wasn’t? What would I be like now! You guys never see anything but brother, have you ever considered me? I am a living human being, I am not a vessel!” Cheng Ying cried, tears sliding from his eyes to his pale jaw, causing pity.

 

 

Mother Cheng’s eyes got teary, she hugged Cheng Ying, remorseful: “No, no good child, you are also the heart of mom and dad ah ……”

 

 

Father Cheng trembled and sat down on a chair, then he let out a long sigh, as if he instantly aged a lot, “You’re right, even if your mother and I gave birth to you in order to cure your brother, there was a match, we still spent hundreds of thousands of dollars for someone else’s bone marrow, we didn’t touch you. Ask yourself, all these years, your mother and I, and your brother, except being a little harsh on you, how have you been treated badly? Compared to your brother, do you have one less piece of clothing or one less meal?”

 

 

“If this, you still can’t forgive, then for the sake of this family ……” Father Cheng made a gesture to kneel down in the direction of Cheng Ying.

 

 

“Dad!”

 

“Old Cheng!”

 

 

The mother and son both went forward at the same time to help Father Cheng up.

 

 

Father Cheng clutched the back of Cheng Ying’s hand, cloudy pupils shining with tears, “I’m begging you, I’m begging you Cheng Ying, you can’t be with your classmate ah ……”

 

 

“Why?” Cheng Ying asked once again, “Why? Brother has been admitted to university, you already have him ……”

 

 

Why …… can’t I live for myself for once?

 

 

“Because your brother he …… can’t have children! If you don’t get married, our Cheng family will be extinct!”

 

 

Cheng Ying’s body shook, he let go of his hand and sat down, so shocked that he even forgot to shed tears, “I don’t believe ……”

 

 

“What your father said is true.”

 

 

Cheng Ying: “You guys are lying to me!”

 

 

“You also know that your brother grew up with poor health. We never said it because you two were still young, we were afraid that if you knew, it’d hurt your brother’s self-esteem. Cheng Ying, mom promises you, if you don’t want to study in college, then don’t, you don’t want to learn the piano, then if you want to learn anything mom and dad will pay you to learn, this one thing, mom and dad beg you, you must get married ……”

 

 

Mother Cheng’s voice echoed in the air, Cheng Ying’s eardrums seemed to be separated by a glass wall, his brain made a buzzing sound.

 

 

The sky was spinning.

 

Since then Cheng Ying’s attitude towards Cai Bowen had changed a hundred and eighty degrees, he didn’t even look at him. Although Cai Bowen was in pain, he could only respect Cheng Ying’s choice, he thought that as long as he was here, even if they weren’t together he was satisfied, who knew, not long after, Cheng Ying was transferred to another school ……

 

Cheng Ying asked in shock: “What are you doing?”

 

 

Cai Bowen smiled coldly, “How long do you want to hide from me?”

 

 

Cheng Ying’s eyes dodged, “I’m not hiding from you.”

 

 

Cai Bowen: “Not hiding from me? You don’t even read in the library anymore and you’re not hiding?”

 

 

Cheng Ying was speechless.

 

 

Cai Bowen looked at his beloved teenager that was thinning out, his anger suddenly muted, an indescribable sadness permeated the small space.

 

 

His heart was discouraged, cold.

 

 

Cai Bowen turned to go, “Don’t transfer, it is I who should go.”

 

 

Cheng Ying hurriedly pulled him, “Don’t be impulsive.”

 

 

Cai Bowen stared at him and said with certainty, “You’re worried about me, Cheng Ying. Do you still want to lie to yourself? You obviously still have me in your heart.”

 

 

Even if there is still you, what can be done?

 

 

Cheng Ying’s face turned even whiter.

 

 

The teenager’s face was almost transparent white, a pair of eyes soaked in spring water at the moment contained a rich incomprehensible sadness, but added a bit more color.

 

 

Cheng Ying’s obviously hesitant expression made Cai Bowen’s heart beat wildly.

 

 

Boys at this age always had impulsive and impractical ideas. Their love was often like a tsunami, it could wash away everything.

 

 

He held Cheng Ying’s hand.

 

 

The boy who wasn’t afraid of the earth, seems to have used up all his courage, before he spoke in a quiet voice: “Otherwise, let’s go Cheng Ying.”

 

 

Cheng Ying was stunned, “What did you say?”

 

 

He hurriedly pulled his hand out of Cai Bowen’s hand.

 

But Cai Bowen didn’t let him get away with it.

 

 

He licked his dry lips, and after the most difficult words were spoken, the rest of his thoughts poured out naturally, “It doesn’t mean that if we leave, we’ll never come back, we can go live in the province for a few years to get through this time. They are just overreacting now, wait for a long time, let mom and dad know that we are not fooling around, they will slowly accept us, at that time we will come back.”

 

Cheng Ying was obviously moved by his words, he looked at Cai Bowen’s sincere face, his eyes showed struggles and tangles.

 

 

“Or are you afraid that you will suffer with me?”

 

“Of course I’m not afraid!” Cheng Ying hastily denied, “It’s just that ……”

 

 

It’s just that there are some things in my family that you don’t know.

 

He was clear about Cai Bowen’s personality, if he knew his family’s situation, he would never make things difficult for him. But he was just afraid that he wouldn’t make things difficult for him, and then they both …… would really let it go like this.

 

 

He couldn’t give up.

 

 

He really couldn’t let go.

 

 

Suddenly footsteps sounded close, Cai Bowen was worried that someone would see the two of them together and rumors would spread, he hurriedly spoke: “I won’t force you, think clearly today, tomorrow night at eight o’clock I will wait for you in the Rainbow, see you.” The rainbow was one of the most crowded bus stations in their city.

 

 

A warm, thick hug wrapped tightly around Cheng Ying.

 

 

Cai Bowen hugged him hard and then hurriedly left before others came over.

 

 

Cheng Ying looked at the back of the teenager and fell into deep thought.

 

 

The wind of early spring was wrapped in the restlessness of adolescence and naive vows, and rolled, one by one.

 

 

On the way back, Cai Bowen’s heart was still thumping. He felt like a hero, as if he had completed the most remarkable event of his life.

 

 

Cai Bowen’s family background was prominent, his grandfather had a famous background, father was in the city’s officialdom and had extraordinary influence, the family’s uncles and uncles were also well known people, business was doing well.

 

 

It could be said that he hadn’t suffered any setbacks since childhood.

 

 

No one dared to give him a look, and no one dared to let him be “frustrated.”

 

 

Even if the matter with Cheng Ying was exposed, in his heart, it wasn’t a big deal, at most, his father and grandfather would beat him up, he was thick-skinned, so he wouldn’t take it to heart.

 

 

However, the young master Cai, who was born a proud son of the sky.

 

 

The actual taste of frustration was soon tried.

 

Cheng Ying didn’t come.

 

 

In the agreed time, the agreed place, he withstood a night of cold wind, fantasizing about their two future lives, with a silly smile and hands and feet that were frozen, he stood until dawn, Cheng Ying didn’t come.

 

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The day dawned.

 

The sun shone warmly on Cai Bowen’s body, his body finally didn’t shiver.

 

 

But his heart was cold to the core.

 

And the blow of love was just the beginning.

 

Soon, Father Cai was fired. The originally hospitable and enthusiastic uncles seemed to have changed their personalities overnight, and they broke away from Father Cai one after another; Grandpa’s mistakes on the battlefield were also found out by the political enemies.

 

Before Cai Bowen resisted the unprecedented pressure to take the college entrance exam, but eventually had to face the situation that his family couldn’t pay for college tuition.

 

 

Love, family, school …… the pride of heaven, young master Cai, all the halo on his body was mercilessly taken away by reality, turning him into a nobody.

 

 

Sometimes he even envied the cowardly Cheng Ying.

 

 

As long as they ran away, as long as they stepped back, life could always go on.

 

 

But he, however, couldn’t retreat.

 

 

To say hate, he didn’t hate Cheng Ying.

 

 

Look at his current appearance, no Cai family background, no money, no education, even living with dignity was so difficult, if at that time he also took Cheng Ying …… He really didn’t dare to think.

 

 

Maybe Cheng Ying’s choice was the right one.

 

 

This was reality.

 

Cai Bowen, who failed in the college entrance examination, went out to start a business with only a little money left in his family. But it seemed that all the luck had been used up in the past ten years, and the last ambition had been stripped clean.

 

In fact, the failure of young people to start a business was a very normal thing, Cai Bowen’s ability wasn’t bad, it was just bad luck, as long as he was willing to wait, sooner or later he would have a piece of heaven.

 

 

But he was tired.

 

 

Not everyone could withstand a long period of failure, especially for Cai Bowen who had been living a very easy life, continuous failure was often more fatal.

 

 

Finally, he gave up those unrealistic extravagant hopes, borrowed five thousand dollars from his uncle, opened a kiosk near his home –

 

He resigned himself to his fate.

 

He accepted his fate not as a hero, but as an ordinary man.

 

 

In contrast were the occasional rumors heard about Cheng Ying.

 

 

With the escort of his father and brother, his life was going smoothly.

 

He got into a good company, found a good wife, and gave birth to a fat boy several years later.

 

Cai Bowen sometimes thought, if one day he bumped into him, he should see a spirited Cheng Ying.

 

 

Until that day when Cheng Ying walked into his kiosk…

 

 

The kind of vicissitudes, the kind of mediocrity, the kind of obnoxious cowering to please, with a convenient inferior appearance.

 

 

This was the person who stunned him throughout his youth?

The funny thing was, Cheng Ying had become so inconspicuous, yet he still recognized him at once.

 

 

What was even more ridiculous was that the inconspicuous but at least family-friendly Cheng Ying actually fell in love with him once again.

 

 

Perhaps it was the unfulfilled obsession of the youth, at least Cai Bowen thought that there was nothing in him now that could attract Cheng Ying.

 

 

However, he didn’t reject him.

 

 

He know know what kind of mentality he had, perhaps the numb and calm life needed to be adjusted, or perhaps he also had a touch of resentment for the imperfect feelings …… Anyway, Cai Bowen didn’t reject him.

 

But Cheng Ying seemed to be falling deeper and deeper.

 

 

The time spent in his place was getting longer and longer, in the face of his wife’s questioning, he also gradually began to have a violent reaction, although Cai Bowen was sorry, but he couldn’t end this relationship.

 

 

Because this was what Cheng Ying owed him.

 

 

He thought that this unseemly relationship with Cheng Ying would last until he couldn’t stand it anymore, but he didn’t expect it to be Cheng Ying who couldn’t stand it first.

 

 

A fierce rainy night. After the two of them did it, Cheng Ying laid flat on the bed, looking out of the window in the dark and dazed night.

 

 

Cai Baiwen kissed the top of his hair, his dark voice sounded particularly s-exy in the dark night, “What are you looking at?”

 

 

“Shh, don’t make a sound.” Cheng Ying’s eyes were bright with an indescribable aura. He turned his head and looked at the dark clouds diagonally above with a sincere expression.

 

 

Cai Bowen had to wait with him.

 

 

After waiting for a while, the moon peeked out from behind the dark clouds, as if it were a signal, the torn and hesitant youth seemed to have finally made up his mind and turned his head to Cai Bowen and said, “Let’s go.”

 

 

Cai Bowen was stunned, “Where?”

 

 

Cheng Ying tugged the corners of his mouth, revealing a pale smile, “Go anywhere, let’s get out of here, okay Bowen? Only …… when I’m with you, I feel fast.” I just feel like I live like a person.

 

 

Obviously it was no longer a young face, but Cai Bowen recalled that year under the cherry tree, the simple childish Cheng Ying.

 

 

Although he was also no longer young and impulsive, but such Cheng Ying ……

 

 

He still had no way to refuse.

 

He seemed to never be able to refuse this person.

 

 

When you say go, let’s go.

 

 

The two arrived at the station when it was already midnight, when buying tickets Cheng Ying realized that he didn’t bring his ID card, so he told Cai Baiwen that he had to go back to get it.

 

 

He asked him to be sure to wait for him.

 

 

After saying that, he turned around and left at a fast pace, because he walked too fast, the usually well hidden limp was exposed again, making him look a bit funny.

 

 

Like a joke.

 

Cai Bowen opened his mouth, a not-so-good feeling floating to the heart.

 

 

He finally didn’t say anything.

 

 

Just silently watched his back faded into the darkness.

 

Then, the day dawned.

 

Fifteen years ago Cai Baiwen waited for Cheng Ying in front of the station.

 

 

Fifteen years later, still.

 

 

The one who said to go together was him, and the one who didn’t come at the end was also him.

 

 

To be honest.

 

It was like looking at the vagaries of life.

 

 

He had become numb.

 

 

But the only thing he didn’t expect was.

 

This time was the last time.

 

In this life, he would never be able to wait.

 

******************

 

The story ended two months after Cheng Ying’s death, and throughout the film, police officer Rong Jiafu came to Cai Bowen’s kiosk.

 

 

He took him to a nearby northern dumpling house.

 

 

Cai Bowen was sitting across the table, he was in his early thirties, dark complexion, numb eyes, no luster, a very ordinary and boring man.

 

 

“Mr. Policeman, what do you want from me?” Cai Bowen asked.

 

“Yes, it’s about Cheng Ying.”

 

 

“Well, you say.” Cai Bowen said, his eyes subconsciously glancing at the store clock, as if he was listening to some insignificant story and would immediately go back to guard the store after hearing it.

 

 

Rong Jiafu looked at him, remembering the whole process of handling the case, Cai Bowen was too calm, a bit cold-blo-oded.

 

So he couldn’t help feeling reluctant to continue.

 

 

Rong Jiafu touched his pocket.

 

He finally decided to tell him the truth.

 

 

He took out two old yellowing photos from his pocket and pushed them to Cai Bowen.

 

The origin of the photos was no longer available, and the content on the photos was also blurred, only two stations were vaguely visible, both of which had the word “Tianhong” vaguely on them.

 

 

Cai Bowen’s eyes were downcast.

 

 

He froze for a moment when he saw the two photos.

 

 

As if he was afraid, he didn’t pick up the two photos from the table to examine them, he just looked at them.

 

Inwardly, he already had a vague sense of foreboding about what was going to happen next, and uneasiness.

 

 

“You should know that Cheng Ying had a bad leg, right?”

 

 

“…… I know.”

 

 

“Then do you want to know why?”

 

 

Cai Bowen jerked his head up and looked at Rong Jiafu, with an unnamable fear deep in his pupils.

 

 

He was afraid of hearing this truth, which would be completely different from what he had always thought.

 

 

Rong Jiafu’s voice was very smooth and penetrated with a compassionate sadness, “These two stations are both called ‘Tianhong’. One is an old station repaired before liberation, not much opened in 82, and one is a new station repaired in 83. ”

 

“You and Cheng Ying, one lives in the south of the city, one lives in the north of the city. The new station project was your father’s responsibility at first, so you didn’t pay attention, you were the first citizens to know that the new station was open to traffic. But Cheng Ying didn’t know that the old station was just behind his house, he turned three streets to get there.”

 

 

“He waited for you all night at the old station that day, but you didn’t come. At dawn, his father brought a group of neighbors to drag him home with a scolding, but he refused, he cried and said he wanted to wait for you, and finally his father broke one of his legs before he brought him home.”

 

 

“…… Cheng Ying never betrayed you, never.”

 

 

Rong Jiafu’s every word seemed to hit Cai Bowen’s heart.

 

 

In the end, even breathing carried a bone-chilling sta-bbing pain.

 

 

Fifteen years ago Cheng Ying didn’t not come.

 

 

It wasn’t that he didn’t come ……

 

 

The corners of Cai Bowen’s mouth gradually twitched, and the mask on his face that was used to resist the tilt of life slowly began to crack.

 

Then, boom. Shattered.

 

 

He touched the two photos with trembling hands, his face gradually twisted, as if he wanted to cry, and as if he wanted to laugh.

 

 

Cheng Ying’s face slowly emerged in front of Cai Bowen’s eyes through these two old station photos.

 

 

It seemed that in both photos, Cheng Ying was waiting for him with the same smile under the station sign.

 

 

In this coward Cheng Ying’s life.

 

 

Only twice did he have courage.

 

 

Both because of him.

 

 

Cai Bowen.

 

The sixty-seventh day after Cheng Ying’s death.

 

Cai Bowen finally sobbed.

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