Chapter 5: Waluigi Sticks His D*ck Where It Doesn’t Belong 1

Waluigi had been upset for a very long time. Time and again new invites for Smash would be sent out and time and again he would be passed over. At this point literally everyone surrounding him was in the game, so why couldn’t he make it? He’d torn up the courts at tennis so much they had to give him a handicap, he’d kart raced with the best for years, he’d even danced with them, so why couldn’t he get an invite to smash? Or even worse, why couldn’t he get his own game? I mean, Wario had a standalone game franchise, and he also got an invite to Smash, so why couldn’t he? This newest wave of envelopes had been sent to what they referred to as “The Best of The Best” and yet they passed him over to give one to a fucking squid and more anime swordsmen? This left him with only one thought. “Waaaht am I doing wrong?” He asked himself over and over, each time being left with the same conclusion, drawing a sad wah from deep within his soul. He wasn’t marketable like the other characters were. he was ugly, lanky, and unpopular. Even his brother, Wario, who had similarly ugly features had a crude sense of humor boosting his marketability. He had nothing. Despite all of his effort, he was left with nothing. Even the one he’d loved, Daisy, had rejected him time and again despite his best efforts. 

As he wallowed in this state of mind, a sound emanated from the maildrop. Despite repeated disappointments from this same occurrence, his excitement was palpable. Although the invites for Smash Ultimate had already been sent out, there was still room for DLC fighters. He began to walk excitedly to the front door of his apartment, which was in a state of disarray with garbage strewn unevenly all over the floor. There he saw it. a golden envelope. “Waluigi Time!” was the only thing he could think as he tore open the envelope. There was only one thing he thought it could be, and that sure as hell wasn’t the invitation to a party he was staring at.

“WAHHHHT THE FUCK!” He yelled out loud as he threw the invitation into the pile of garbage that was the floor. He walked back to his recliner ready to wallow in sadness and sulk for many more hours when he realized that something must be off for anyone to send him an invitation to any kind of event. Most of the time the other characters liked to pretend he didn’t exist, so for them to reach out something must be very wrong, or they’re going to gloat about yet another Smash without Waluigi. He opened the envelope and read what was contained within.

 We would like to welcome you to a most special Mario Party Event! You have been selected to participate in a game of luck and not much else! You will be expected at the Watermelon Walkabout in 1 minute! This is not an invitation but a requirement and you will be Warp Starred regardless of consent. Have fun!

“Waaahhh?” he wah’d, confused as to what he’d just read. He read it, again and again, to make sure what he’d read was right. He’d been selected for a game of Mario Party? And he couldn’t say no? The envelope turned into a warp star and shot him through his roof, in the direction of the chosen playing field. The last thing that could be heard was an ever more distant “Waaaaaaaah”

It wasn’t long after Waluigi landed at the starting area of this time’s Mario Party that the other contestants showed up. First was a Shy Guy. Surprising, but he’d seen stranger contestants. The second was his brother, Wario. Not that surprising since in order for me to get included in anything Wario has to be there first, Waluigi thought to himself bitterly. A few moments later the final contestant smashed into the ground next to Waluigi, sending sand spraying everywhere. He stood 9 feet tall with a massive spiky shell being his defining feature. Bowser. This Party just got a lot harder. 

Now that all the contestants were here Wario let out his signature laugh followed by his catchphrase “Yeah Wario Time.” Waluigi wished he could have come up with something as clever, maybe then he could be an actual character like the rest of them. Aside from that nobody really said anything. There was nothing to say. They didn’t know what the game was going to be other than that it was on the Watermelon Walkabout, so they waited for Toad or someone to come instruct them on this time’s rules. 

A disembodied voice rang out, coming from seemingly nowhere. “Welcome to the first and last ever Harem Party! I will be your host/referee/announcer/judge/jury/executioner and I welcome you to the Watermelon Walkabout!” It was a voice Waluigi had never heard, but he definitely gave off the vibe of an experienced announcer, if a little unfiltered. 

“The rules for this particular party will be a little different than usual so listen closely because if you miss anything I won’t repeat myself! The goal of this party is the same as any other, to collect as many stars and allies as you can to become a superstar! But rather than a Mario Party, this is a Harem Party! All the allies will be the Mushroom Kingdom’s finest females!” This had suddenly become much more interesting to not just Waluigi, but all of the contestants. Their faces suddenly became more focused on what the announcer was saying. To Waluigi, this meant only one thing. Daisy was definitely going to be here.

“For the extent of the game, all of the allies will do anything you say, and by anything, I mean ANYTHING! You can determine for yourself what that means, and to add a little pizazz we’re going to make it a PARTNER battle. Before we introduce the teams, we need to introduce the contestants!” He drew out the word contestants for extra flair, then proceeded to introduce each of them. “First we have Shy Guy and believe me he has the name for a reason! We invited him just to help him get laid! Ya gotta lose it at some point buddy, it may as well be to the Mushroom Kingdom’s finest! Secondly, we have Wario, The better half of the Wa brothers! This greasy Italian looks ready to FUCK am I right?” Wario was panting heavily, seemingly too excited to contain himself. He’d taken to sitting in the sand because he couldn’t stand any longer. “Thirdly, we have the King of the Koopas himself, King Bowser! He needs no introduction so just give it up for him! Fourth and finally, we invited Waluigi, to get an even number for the teams!” 

“I wahhnt to die,” Waluigi said quietly to himself.

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 “Now you may wonder, what’s the prize for the winner? A date with princess peach? A million big ones? A gobby from Toadette? Those are all great ideas, but no. The winning team of the first and last ever Harem Party will receive a wishing star! The only one of its kind, it can grant the wish you hold most dear to your heart, provided it won’t destroy the universe! Both teammates will be able to get one use out of it before KAPOW, it’ll shatter into a million little bits!”

“The teams are Shy Guy and Wario versus Bowser and Waluigi! The game will start in 5 minutes, so gather your gear and strategize with your partner!” 

Waluigi had just a moment to wonder what gear the announcer was talking about before a brown carrying bag fell from the sky in front of him. Inside was a map of the… well… map, 2 dice blocks, and a pencil to mark the map. 

“As a final word of caution, The party rules cannot protect you from the consequences of your actions after it ends, so don’t do anything too indecorous!”

As soon as the announcer had stopped speaking, Waluigi's mind began to race. If what the announcer said was true… then he knew what the wish would be. He wanted Daisy to love him. Although he really wanted to be in Smash, that paled in comparison to the desire he felt for Daisy. It was completely possible he could get Daisy as an ally and basically tell her to do whatever he wanted, which wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t just want her body. He wanted her.

The ground shook as Bowser strolled up to Waluigi as casually as a massive dinosaur-turtle-dragon can and said “This should be a walk in the park, Shy Guys freeze up under any kind of pressure and Wario has to take a break after standing for a few minutes. The real question is what we’re going to do with the loot.” 

“The star?” 

“Of course the star, what else is there?” 

“... the women?” 

Bowser responded to this with a blank stare, then continued, “I can kidnap whoever I want, whenever I want. Why would I care?”

Well, that settled that.

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