Chapter 15: 15. CURIOSITY AND DRIVE

SVAN CHORYTH

I found myself in a familiar scenery; a dark room with dim lights and clear shadows reflecting on the wall. I was sitting on the bed with my legs crossed like someone meditating, but the difference was that I wasn’t. Instead, I was listening to what Eliora was saying to me.

I was the one who engaged her in a conversation because I needed to satisfy my curiosity, and it looked like she was eager to provide answers to the questions I asked.

It all started when I said to her,

“Could you please continue with what you were telling me yesterday? I think I'm ready to listen now.”

She smiled. I couldn’t just get used to that smile of hers. It was the same as always; peculiar, charming, sweet, and bitter at the same time.

“What in particular do you want me to talk about?”

“How about the Feel? I would like to know more about the Feel.”

Eliora was seated upright on a wooden chair directly opposite me. Her left arm was also crossed, with her right hand placed just below her mouth but above her jaw.

“Yesterday, I told you something about the Feel, right?”

“Yes, you said it was a medium for mana manipulation.”

“That’s right.”

She gave it some thought before continuing.

“The easiest way to understand it is to think about breathing. Easy, right?”

I didn’t respond because I couldn’t quite figure out where she was headed.

“You see, there is an abundance of air around us, but it’s only thanks to some organs in our body that we’re able to take in the air, selectively process it and utilize it. This process is almost the same as in mana and the Feel. The Feel is responsible for the intake and refinement of mana from which elements are manipulated, and stillbrings are triggered.”

I was slowly nodding. Even a kid would perfectly understand what she was saying.

“Still using the process of breathing as a reference, there are still a lot of differences because the Feel is peculiar in its own way. Unlike breathing, where different organs work together to achieve the whole process, the Feel does it all, almost on its own.”

She paused for a moment,

“Here is the interesting part. The whole concept of the Feel is hypothetical.”

“Why is it so?” I asked her.

“Because no one actually knows what the Feel is. That’s why it’s held in high regard.”

Confusion was beginning to creep in.

“So let me get this right. You told me that the Feel is a medium for mana manipulation; responsible for mana intake and refinement in the body, yet you are saying it’s hypothetical.”

“Exactly. We know mana is drawn into the body and taken to the nexus, where it’s being stored and refined. We also know that refined mana is distributed throughout the body, which casters and stillbringers utilize in their respective ways. But no one could tell what actually carries out these fine processes, so it was called the Feel.”

What she just said to me changed my entire perspective on the Feel in an instant. The Feel was actually something intangible, in contrast to the concept I had about it just moments ago. I remembered asking Yukina what it felt like when one’s Feel was active, and the answer she gave to me simply pointed towards mana distribution.

“So why are casters very different from stillbringers since they have the same Feel?”

“No, they don’t,” she replied.

“You see, divines, demons, casters, and stillbringers all possess a Feel that functions, as I’d said before; a medium for mana manipulation, yet, they are different from each other.”

“Could it be why Yukina said that activation of the Feel elicited spark-like sensations all over the body?”

“That’s right,” she replied.

Her response startled me because the question wasn’t meant for her. I was just thinking out loud.

“Huh?” I asked in a rather confused manner.

“Yukina was right. But in divines and humans, it’s a sensation of warmth.”

Another answer to one of my many questions was provided. That would explain why stillbringers cannot manipulate elements. The nature of their Feel was different and worked differently.

The difference between what I knew and what I didn’t know was astronomical, and even worse was that nobody cared to fill me in. It was understandable. There was no need for anyone to waste precious time educating me on things like that because it was a natural feeling that such knowledge was practically useless to me since I was neither caster nor stillbringer.

“Why isn’t all of this explained in books? I’ve read many books,  but there wasn't much said about the Feel and mana.”

“There are such books, although nothing in those books talks about demons and divines. Books like that exist in only academies and institutions and are prohibited from the general public use.”

“Why is that so?”

“I don’t really know why. It’s just like a decree that has to be obeyed.”

My questions distracted her from what she was explaining earlier, and when I was done asking, she picked up from where she left off. 

“So, instead of confining the Feel as a hypothetical concept, the term Feel is used to describe mana activity in the body, thereby making it more significant.

“How is that?” I asked.

“Mmmh, it’s just like proportional comparison. Since mana is practically useless in the body unless the Feel works on it, it’s satisfactory that the term Feel is used synonymously with mana activity.”

Eliora was so good with explanations, making them as detailed as possible. When she first told me what the Feel was, being a medium of mana manipulation, I was a little confused because it sort of contradicted the idea I had about it, which was based on what Yukina told me, though I knew nothing about mana then. Her recent explanation brought me a little clarity. 

From what I’d heard so far, I was made to understand that when people said that one’s Feel was active, it simply meant that mana was being refined and distributed since its intake and storage in the body was a passive activity. 

“So how does someone get better at mana manipulation and control?” I asked her.

“How does anyone get better at anything? You learn and practice. That’s why academies exist to teach those.”

It was as though casters and stillbringers lived in a completely different world from the normal folks. I was still finding it perplexing that I really knew little to nothing about them. 

I knew that Yukina and Evren both went to a very renowned academy. I didn’t know the details about it, partly because I was young, about seven years of age, but I knew they spent four years in it and only came home a few times during that period. I never asked either of them what they did there. I just believed that it was a place they had to go to get stronger.

Eliora continued with her details,

“It’s also important to know what stage one’s Feel is at. It serves as a benchmark to know from where and how one can work on improvement.”

“Wait, so the Feel has stages too?”

“Oh dear, you really don’t know anything about the Feel, do you?”.

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I nodded dejectedly,

“No, I don’t. I mean, nobody cared to tell me stuff like that, and they aren’t found in books available for the normal folk, so how am I supposed to know about it?”

“True. Give me a moment,” she said as she left the room.

There was a feeling of satisfaction swelling from inside me because she was feeding me vital pieces of information for free. Everything she said to me was definitely going to be helpful in one way or another.

She came back moments later,

“Do you know what this is?” she asked as she held up a crystal-clear orb with her thumb and middle finger. The orb was small and would be completely wrapped in a closed fist. 

I was tempted to say to her,

“How am I supposed to know what it is?” but I didn’t because I remembered the blow I received in the dark haven. 

The dark haven was the name I gave to the place where I encountered the mysterious being who claimed to have some hold over me, and since her voice was effeminate, I called her the queen of the dark haven. For some reason, I felt she would punch me again from nowhere for being disrespectful, so rather, I shot Eliora an inquisitive stare.

“It’s called Femryn’s orb, and it tells what stage one’s Feel is at. You want to try?”

“Sure.”

She placed it on my palms,

“Hold it firmly and activate your Feel.”

That wasn’t a difficult task for me. Funny how a few days ago, it would have been impossible. I smiled as I did what she asked. The once clear orb changed its colour to purple. She looked surprised when she saw the colour of the orb.

“When did you say you first experienced that grey domain of yours?”

“A few days ago,” I replied, unsure why she asked.

“Your Feel is at the light-amethyst stage.”

“... and what is that supposed to imply?”

“It means that it’s in contrast to the fact that you just recently learnt how to manipulate mana. I was expecting you to be in an obsidian stage, but here you are.”

Her words were foreign to me but, weirdly enough, were comprehensible.

“What about you? What stage is your Feel at?”

She let out the same characteristic smile of hers, 

“Give me the orb.”

The orb glowed brightly when I handed it over to her. Its brightness was blinding, providing a sharp contrast in the dimly-lit room as I shut my eyes tight. I could feel the luminosity gradually fade until it completely disappeared as the orb returned to its normal state.

“I am a solid white,” she said.

“So apparently, this orb tells how strong a person is,” I remarked

“You can say that since the strength of a caster or stillbringer is proportional to the stage of their Feel. But more precisely, it reflects one’s nexus. Simply put, the colour you see on the Femryn’s orb is the colour of your nexus.”

“Isn’t it just better to call it the stage of the nexus than the stage of the Feel?” I asked objectively.

“Just like I said earlier, this is a means of giving more significance to the Feel. Proportional comparison is also applicable here. When the Feel refines mana in the nexus, the process also purifies the nexus, which causes its colour to change over time. The purer the nexus, the more efficiently the Feel refines mana and the fewer impurities the refined mana would contain. So, you can see how interconnected it is. And also importantly, it provides a better classification standard that accommodates casters and stillbringers.”

“I think we should go to bed now. We can continue tomorrow,” Eliora said as she tried to stop herself from yawning.

“Alright,” I replied as I watched her leave the room, closing the door behind her.

I really wanted to ask her more questions, but she was sleepy. I had to be considerate and let her sleep. It wasn’t like she was running away after all.

One of those questions was if it was possible for someone to possess two kinds of Feel. It felt like the only feasible possibility to explain that I was both divine and stillbringer. Maybe I was thinking too much about it. Maybe I just inherited both abilities from my parents. It was surprising that I was bugged about thoughts of being a stillbringer and what was even more surprising was that I believed every word the queen of the dark haven said. I couldn’t help it. It was already too late to keep it off my mind.

Since Eliora left the room, I wondered if there were any means to test my hypothesis. I wished I had Crit’s medallion with me; it would have made everything much easier. But I didn’t have it, so I had to figure out other means. 

I shut my eyes tight to focus on the mana activity inside my body, but there were no changes other than what I had experienced before; the warmth that radiated all over my body. My intent was to see if I could keep the warmth within my body, preventing it from reaching for the ambient mana. As hard as I tried, it proved beyond my control, so I decided to try something different. 

I activated the grey domain, still focusing on my mana activity, and for the first time, I saw myself covered in blue flames. For the first time, I questioned myself on what the flames really meant. Yukina’s and Eliora’s were covered in blue, but Vixra’s and the falx’s were black. I didn’t want to get distracted by it. It could simply mean that divines, demons, or even humans, gave off different mana signatures in the grey domain. 

There were still no changes. It was growing frustrating, but I did my best to keep calm, and it paid off as another idea crossed my mind. I looked outside, the night was bright, and the skies were star-lit. It was so clear that I could see a person that stood more than a dozen paces away from me. Everything was going just the way I wanted. I didn’t want to leave the house en route the stairs so as not to draw Eliora’s attention. So, I jumped down the window, which I almost regretted instantly because I didn’t even think about how I would be able to get back in before jumping.

“It would sort itself when the time comes,” I said to myself as I walked quietly to the field where Eliora and I sparred earlier in the day.

My goal was to learn how my body would react if I drained all the mana from my nexus with hopes that maybe, there would be some sort of compensatory reaction like it did against Crit. I couldn’t do it inside the room because I might as well destroy the whole house if I wasn’t careful, so an open field was a better option.

I knew I was impatient, mostly because we had to return to Stafford the next day. Just thoughts about Stafford were putting a lot of pressure on me. I was just probably scared of seeing Lord Edger. Eliora had revealed I wasn’t his son nor related to him in any way, but I still felt like I was bonded to him and couldn’t shake off the feeling of fear I had towards him. I felt the need to return with something to show. I wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn’t a weakling anymore. I had the grey domain, and I just learnt a bit of spatial manipulation, but it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t just satisfied.

Trying to grasp everything in one go was an impossible act of greed, but I had already wasted a lot of time doing nothing because I believed I had no abilities. Eliora was the one I would blame for that, but according to her, she had good reasons for doing what she did, and I didn’t want to question her further about it. It was all in the past.

I continuously pushed and pulled empty space away to wear myself down, but it took too long. It was much easier to discern in the grey domain when I pushed space around me away. I could feel the viscous-like atmosphere around me disperse, and when I pulled it towards me, it came together again.

I gradually began to tire as the warmth from my nexus gradually cooled. Half-excitedly, I pushed out mana with a lot more intensity than I was doing previously. I noticed something different. The space around me didn’t disperse. Rather, it felt like I shot something through it. I immediately switched out of the grey domain to see if anything had changed from a normal perspective.

At first, I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary, but as I took a few steps forward, I felt a warping pressure. The sensation was the same one I felt when Eliora tested her wild speculation on me. Going into it was the last thing in my mind because I didn’t even know where it would lead. I switched to the grey domain again, and I could see the distortion, which looked like the entry and exit of a piercing wound. It didn’t look like it spawned for a long distance, so I decided to risk going into it.

Even in the grey domain, where every movement was significantly slowed down, it happened instantaneously as though I walked through a transport gate. 

I felt a sudden rush of excitement, even though it was an inadvertent discovery. I tried it again to ensure that the first wasn't a fluke, and it worked. I was so happy, but yet again, I had more questions. Every new discovery seemed to birth more questions that fueled my insatiable curiosity. I wondered how the queen of the dark haven performed it because clearly, I didn’t remember pushing out mana from my body. More so, how she was able to do it over a very long distance.

My nexus was completely empty. I couldn’t feel any warmth anymore. My body was too heavy to carry, and when I tried to walk, I fell helplessly to the ground. Clearly, what I’d just performed consumed a lot of mana which eventually wore me out. No wonder I passed out when I first experienced it.

“So much for trying to figure out how to get inside,” I giggled.

Though my nexus was drained, I didn’t experience what I’d originally hoped for. On the bright side, I didn’t drain it for naught. My next goal was to find ways to improve the new discovery.

Lying in a supine manner, I stared at the star-lit sky.

“I have to give these abilities cool names,” I mumbled, smiling awkwardly.

My eyelids were pulled together, but I didn’t fight it as I slowly fell asleep.

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