Chapter 49: Chapter 49

I don't remember how long I ran, but I only stopped once my legs felt too weak. Wheezing, I leaned against a facade of a tall steel-and-glass building. My vision was blurry, and I felt pain all throughout my body, like I haven't felt since spraining both of my legs back in PE class in high school. The ringing in my ears slowly gave way to the sound of ringing church bells. With some effort, I looked around and saw that I was standing opposite the same church I visited before to ask for help. I wasn't religious, but I felt lost. At that moment, there seemed to be no other path for me. I stepped in, and Ra'zizi stayed right at the entrance.

The church's interior, its long columns shooting up towards the arches holding up the ceiling, which might as well have been the heavens, and the rows of pews culminating in the gilded altar backlit by a great stained glass window, all seemed to meld together into a symphony of religious repose as I took further steps in. My legs were barely obeying my orders at that point, and every step was a new stagger against the aching joints. There was nobody to be seen inside. I took a few more steps before I tripped and had to support myself against a figure of a saint, grunting as I pulled myself back on my feet under his stone gaze.

"Heavens! Are you alright?" I heard a voice coming from my right hand side. With the remainders of my strength, I stepped away from the statue, over the divider on the floor and pulled myself onto a pew, panting and feeling faint.

"Are you okay? Should I call an ambulance?" the voice came again, and when I turned, I saw a nun approaching me with worry on her face.

"Sir? Sir, are you alright?" she said after she stepped up close and leaned her arm on the backrest of the pew in front of me. "Can you hear me?"

It was then that I realized - I've seen that face before. The long brown hair neatly kept under the headdress, the fair skin, she surprisingly sharp eyes.

"Huh," I tried collecting myself, "wait... haven't I..."

She seemed to be realizing the same thing. She leaned in closer and looked my face all over, like a detective looking for clues.

"I'm fi-"

"You... you are that guy with the demon!" she said, her words echoing loudly across the vast, tall interior.

"Ah, uhh... Yes, uhm... You... uh..." I tried searching my memory, ruffling for the name, I was sure I heard it at least once.

"I'm sister Theodora," she said in a kind tone, "I don't think I've introduced myself."

"No, we, uh, only spoke briefly," I said, feeling embarrassed.

Sister Theodora stepped over the divider as well and sat next to me, still eyeing me with reserved worry. Taken off-guard by her straighforward approach, I propped myself up from the half-reclining position and sat up as properly as I could, hand still holding onto the lacquered wooden back of the pew. I felt a similar sense of being cornered, but with vastly different intentions than those from Ra'zizi.

"Oh, and I'm Matt," I said, feeling like I could finally catch a full breath.

She eyed me, and I was feeling as if she knew my sins already. Yet, if she did, her eyes remained just as calm and her face just as non-judgmental. I wasn't used to being around churches or people who performed any sort of religious work, and sitting in the cool, dim spot, seeing the last rays of sunlight beam through the stained glass windows and onto the floors and towering columns, then lighting the rim of the nun's outfit, made me feel strangely small and humbled.

"Are you still haunted by what brought you here before?" she asked.

"Uh, the... suc...cu..." I responded quietly, feeling put on the spot.

"The demon!" she confirmed, nodding, and suddenly shuffled towards me, and put her hand on mine. Startled, I almost pulled it back. "Is it still with you? Do you need to get rid of it?"

I looked deeply in her eyes and saw nothing but a trusting, forgiving look, like that of a concerned parent.

"I... yes..." I said, meekly.

Then I realized - the touch. I felt the same, strange feeling as I did when talking to the psychologist. But this one was even stronger. The closest I can describe it as is some link being formed, not like a spark of infatuation, but rather a siphoning of some untold substance that manifested itself as thoughts. For a split moment, I could feel vague images forming in my mind that I felt as though they were from Theodora. But I couldn't put them into words - only my subconscious felt them, more than understood them.

"Then you've come to the right place," Theodora replied with a faint smile, hidden almost completely by the stern religious resolve on her face. "This is the house of the Lord! With Him and through Him, you can cleanse your soul of your sins!"

"But... I..." I was still trying to figure out what was going on with my mind, eyes stuck looking at our hands, which made it hard to focus on talking, "it's... real..."

"I believe you," she said and my gaze immediately jumped to hers. She started shuffling closer, eyes glimmering, and continued, "When the soul is corrupted, it truly feels like a demon has taken over. But don't worry, the Lord's grace is very real!"

"But, no, I actually... I have made a pact," I tried explaining, images still swirling around in my head.

"Don't worry. The only pact you need is the one with God and his son," she said with the same unyielding persistence, only now even more enthusiastic. "Through Jesus, everyone can reach salvation!"

"She's literally going to kill me," I responded, trying to match her intensity, but my voice failed, tapering at the end from exhaustion.

"No harm will come to those who believe in Him! Matt, I assure you, God knows of all your sins," she said while the Sun shone more intensely through the windows, and I felt double the unease. I realized that, stupid as this sounds, throughout this ordeal I never consiered the existence of the opposite of Hell.

Nothing seemed to have been dissuading this woman. She couldn't have been older than early twenties, yet she spoke with a religious fervor so burning that you could have mistaken her for an old prophetess. I suppose that this air of certainty works on many people. Having given me a few moments to take her words in, Theodora tugged on my hand.

"Come!" she said resolutely, and started to get up. "The next mass is in an hour. Before then, let us have you confess your sins."

I resisted her pull. I didn't feel like telling a priest what I've been up to. Instead, my mind has cleared up by now. Or, I don't really know if it did—previously I was weirded out by her overzealous behavior, now I felt an urge to respond to the challenge. I pulled on Theodora's hand, making her sit back down on the pew.

"Ow! Matt!" she said with surprise. "What's wrong? Are you afraid?"

"Yes," I said. And I really was afraid. But I also knew what I wanted to do.

"There's nothing to be afraid of, I assure you!" she replied. "The Lord forgives all those who have sinned, if only they repent ask for with honesty."

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"What about your sins?"

"Huh?" she asked me with visible confusion, then, after a moment smiled and replied, "yes, mine too."

"But you haven't told Him about all of them, have you?"

"What do you mean?"

I paused for a moment as well, then leaned in to whisper in her ear.

"You have to know," she said, "I can't take confessions, so if-"

"You haven't confessed about what you do when nobody's looking," I whispered.

"What?"

"All those lonely nights, in your chamber, you devote to more than just studying the Bible..."

"What? What are you saying?" for the first time, she sounded upset.

"You have carnal needs, but you're bound to a place where they'll never be met."

"Stop it, Matt!" she said, and tried to shuffle away, but I leaned in.

"You want to do it, more of it!" I continued whispering, and Theodora gasped in my ear. "You're not content with just your finger, you wish to be taken, to be tarnished."

I felt her hand tremble in mine. Her breathing seemed strangely agitated, as if she was trying to breathe in as much as possible, but out as little as she could.

"You want to screw, even right here, in the side naves, in a confession stand," I continued and my voice was getting lower, "even up at the pulpit, you long to be fucked hard. And when you read your Corinthians, your hand-"

I felt a slap. My head flew back a bit and I felt the hand I was holding slip away. Looking back, I saw Theodora, red in the face and glaring at me.

"How dare you!" she growled, "How dare you defile the Lord's house with this vile talk!"

"Hey, what is going on?!" someone called from behind the nun. Looking over, I saw an approaching priest, though I thought it wasn't the same one as before. "You!" he pointed at me, "What are you doing?"

Theodora used my moment of confusion to get up from the pew and back away. She was clutching the rosary she pulled out of her pocket and blushing heavily.

"I was just... seeking spiritual advice," I said.

The priest looked at me, then at the upset nun. He seemed to want to console her, but Theodora just waved her hand at him and turned away.

"Did he do anything to you?" he asked.

"N-no... He's just..." she took a deep breath, "he's just lost..."

The priest didn't seem satisfied with that answer. As Theodora was stepping away, he frowned and turned back to me.

"Mass is in an hour," he said with a stern voice. "You can come then."

"Go and confess your sins!" Theodora scolded me from a distance. Seeing the priest look at her with confusion, she calmed herself down. "Whatever problems you have... God can help you," she added calmly.

She turned away again, and started walking towards the altar. I looked up at the priest, then stood up and shuffled out of the pew onto the main aisle.

"I'll be on my way then..." I said.

"Don't you want to confess?" the priest said.

He must have been in his forties or so. He had a pointed chin and was a little bit shorter than me. His thick, black eyebrows made his eyes look wise but intimidating. He looked me with suspicion.

"I'm afraid I don't have enough time to confess it all," I replied and started making my way out.

"I see. Fine then," he replied. His cold stare followed me as I walked towards the main door. Before heading to the entrance room, I turned back one more time.

Just like previously in these situations, I had no clue what I was doing there, how I figured what to say or do in here. But when I stood there, when I saw Theodora stop walking and turn around to look at me, and then look away as soon as our, but I felt like our eyes met, I felt like I did exactly what I needed.

It was almost night when I walked outside and hurried home. Ra'zizi wasn't around, but I knew that sure as the sun setting that evening, she would be waiting.

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