Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Rejection is the first step towards Acceptance

“No.”

The five stages of grief have always been familiar to him, having gone through them upon the death of his loved ones.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. It was the same five stages to go through with unrequited love. Although, he wouldn’t have predicted he had to go through it over and over again, especially after getting rejected by Icarus for the thirty-eighth time of knowing the man for almost sixteen years. He thought he would have gotten used to it by now.

Then again, who would say love was as easy as baking a pie on a Sunday afternoon? Baking a pie didn’t involve pouring out raw emotions—close to drowning in it after having it bottled up for too long… just flour.

“Do you always have to ask every year?”

Briar Solentine, at the age of eight, started to pine for the day his love would be accepted and returned by the boy next door, Icarus—the only son of the Lir family amongst his many sisters. However, each time Briar confesses his affections, it always gets turned down. And every time, he goes through the same five stages of heartache akin to losing another loved one. Perhaps, he hasn’t gone through the last stage at all—repeating the four again and again. Rinse, cycle and repeat. Never crossing to the acceptance part…

But who could blame him?

Who could blame Briar Solentine when there is an impending loom of death clouding his family line for generations when one doesn’t have a lover?

Looking away, a pout etched across his lips, he mumbled a reply. “Why can’t I? I may never know if your answer has changed unless I ask.”

Every day counts for Briar. The nineteen-year-old had to, as his twentieth birthday is fast approaching. Years of confessing and staking his claim on his childhood friend were not going to go to waste. His efforts would soon be recognized. Those jade irises may evade him whenever he asked, but Briar was sure Icarus loved him the same—maybe even more. Icarus never stated he hated Briar. Never expressed his dislike nor pushed him away after countless love confessions. Yet, there was something holding the young man back. Someone whom he had no control over.

If only… If only the incident did not happen at all… Would we still be able to smile at one another just like how we used to?

Briar could only dream of such a desire.

Icarus elicited a sigh, standing up from the wooden chair he sat on. The lavender tea on his cup was now lukewarm, figuring he has lengthened his visit when he knew he was always, always, welcomed in Briar’s home. A home that has always accepted him, more than his own.

Staring at the shorter man whose hair reminded him of the deep ocean, avoiding his piercing gaze, Icarus turned his back from Briar and bit his lip in contemplation. This charade has been going on forever and Briar was engaged.

Soon to be engaged! The voice of his childhood friend and the light of his life corrected him in his own head. A sign that he and Briar had too much of a connection, no matter how hard he would deny it. He did like Briar, having spent most of their days of youth together. Not until the incident occurred. Plus, Briar is a human. Unlike him.

Balling his fists, Icarus could not help but touch upon the frustration building up within him for the past years due to his own carelessness that has brought anger and disdain towards Briar. Due to his own actions… Briar has become tainted in the eyes of the Lir family.

If only I could turn back time and erase my deeds, I readily would…

No, Icarus could not do that. No matter how much he tried to, the mere choice he could do now was to choose the right option—one that would guarantee Briar to never experience sorrow again.

Seeing his friend silently standing, Briar figured it was time for him to question Icarus about how he truly felt and why he was holding back. To demand what was keeping him from being the same boy he knew and loved all those years ago.

Honesty was all he wanted from those green gentle eyes that hid his true emotions, afraid of being ridiculed.

“Icarus, tell me… how you really feel…” Rising from his seat, Briar clutched his chest, fearful of his own emotions about to pour out in ugly streaks, having held on to them for so long that nothing could hold it back. “I know you feel something for me—you told me yourself back then that you did before the incident ever happened—”

“Things have changed, Briar. And so have I.”

“Is it because of me? Is it because your family hates that I am the sole reason why you couldn't fly anymore?”

At his words, Icarus felt his back ache, the presence of the other missing wing still haunts him to this day. “I told you a thousand times that you are not to blame! My family does not blame you or me for that matter. It was an accident—”

It was a lie and Briar knew. The Lir family hates him because Icarus has lost his ability to fly—his sense of identity in this world. He lost his wing and the sky he was supposed to soar in. He was to blame for Icarus’ tenacious choice of learning how to fly so he too, could be in the same sky as him. Alas, Icarus lost his wing and without the other, the one that remained was now a remnant of that dream.

“Then why… why the closed-off heart? You were never this stubborn and cold until you fell from that cliff. You say you don’t blame me… but why does it feel like you were slowly drifting away? Do you really not blame me, Icarus? Or are you afraid to lose our friendship because once you do, you’d face severe consequences? You’re not going to! I’d rather have your brutal honesty than your silence!”

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Briar knew he was being unfair at the moment, having Icarus cornered and demanding something he couldn’t readily give. Much to his surprise, Icarus turned to face him with the most solemn expression that was sure to have rendered anyone speechless. In Briar’s case, it made his heart race and at the same time, close to plummeting for it did not resemble Icarus’ usual gentle face. How he wished to see him smile again, back when everything was simple.

Before Icarus’ wing was taken from him.

“You want my brutal honesty? Fine.” Grabbing Briar by the collar of his long sleeve polo, the ruffles caught on his fisted hand that brought their faces close. If the situation were different, Briar’s heart would have stopped in surprise instead of dread, guilt, and fear. “Listen well, Briar… for I may never say this again. Remember it well.”

“Icarus?”

“I don’t love you and I never will reciprocate those feelings of yours. I don’t… I don’t love you the way you want me to.”

Assuming it wasn’t too painful, but to hear it from Icarus’ own lips shattered Briar’s heart. Plummeting it down to the ground that all he could hear was silence.

“Take… take that back. You’re lying to me again!” Tears started to form in his eyes, blurring his vision. “Why are you lying? Why are you doing this? If you truly don’t, then why the gifts? The late-night talks? The secrets we share… The years we have spent together, vowing to never ever part? The confession you gave me all those years under the witness of the stars? Are you taking it back? Are you telling me that it was all a lie, Icarus?”

“Like I said,” Icarus cleared his throat, lowering his voice. “I’ve changed, Briar. Things are not… like what they used to be. And you’re engaged. Do you want the whole town to tal—”

“Let them! I don’t care what the people say. And I am not engaged! My aunt merely told me to see some suitors for I am at the right age to marry. I am not engaged to anyone because my heart belongs solely to you!”

And he was a fool to think that way.

“I am not worthy of your heart, Briar.” Turning away, Icarus headed for the gate, intending to depart. “And you will only hurt yourself in trying to love me and be my partner. I’m a soldier of the palace and may die due to my duty. You shouldn’t be subjected to that. My family was right from the very beginning. Never befriend a human for they will get greedy and be the cause of your own downfall—and you, Briar, have never been greedy until today. You and I… we were never ever meant to meet and become friends—we are far too different. The day I turn a hundred will be the same day your death will be celebrated. Therefore, we must not be together.”

“Icarus—”

“I’m leaving tomorrow morning. They have finally given me a job after years of training. That was what I wanted to tell you today.” After stating his purpose for visiting, Icarus departed with a curt bow. Leaving Briar with his tears and battered heart.

The five stages of grief were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It was a slow process of healing. But in the case of Briar Solentine, after receiving the worst rejection of his life, he went through all four in one sitting. Heart unable to cross to the last due to love and attachment.

“Master Briar, am I interrupting?”

Wiping his tears, Briar replaced his sorrowful demeanor with a small smile as he faced the family butler. Reminded of his role every first day of the month. His sole purpose in life, his biggest secret, and what is causing him to be desperate. For he is destined to die at the age of twenty unless… unless he marries.

“No, he left. Is the carriage ready for tonight?”

“Yes, my lord. Is everything all right?”

Nodding softly, he started walking back into the manor. The sky turned dark as night was about to blanket over them. He didn’t pay any heed to the worried glance his aunt gave him upon entering. Perhaps it was his fault after all for he too had the biggest secret to hide. One that Icarus wasn’t aware of and never will.

Briar would rather die than have Icarus know and this must be his punishment for keeping it that way.

“I’m a hypocrite for asking honesty from him… when it is I who couldn’t do the same.”

Love is never easy. Baking a pie on a Sunday afternoon was far quicker and had fewer consequences than to love. However, even baking a pie and being in love had similarities. Both required certain ingredients with the right amount for it to be near perfect and what they both lacked was honesty.

“Master Briar, shall I sharpen your knife?”

The day of his death will be the day he could finally say he is free from his sins—free from the secrecy his family has kept from generation to generation. The day Briar Solentine could say he was never human, to begin with.

“Yes, please. We shall leave at exactly midnight.”

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