Chapter 18: 18 – Login

“It’s like… existing is uncomfortable. Like… Being me feels wrong. I don’t know how to describe it…” I tried to explain whilst sitting on our couch.

Mom silently listened, her tired eyes showing the slight frown on her face.

“So you would like to be someone else, then?”

“I… I don’t know. I…”

A true form.

“It’s almost like, this isn’t really me. Like I am someone else. And I’m stuck in the wrong body… or something.”

“Hmm… Who would you say you are, then?”

“I… I’m not sure… A fox?”

I mentally slapped myself for blurting that out.

“A fox? Well, you have always been very cuddly like an animal and… you like eating chicken, I guess…?”

“Ugh, not like that… I… argh…”

“It’s okay honey,” she said with a smile whilst putting a hand on my shoulder. “Take all the time you need to figure it out. I’ll always be here for you.”

“Thanks…” I said, nearly curling into myself.

We sat there for a minute, my mind still trying to figure out everything from the name, to the true form.

Then I spoke up again. “You know… the fox thing. I, uh, I’ve been playing this video game.”

Mom nodded, beckoning me to continue.

“And my character in that game is this girl with fox ears and tail. So, uh, I just kinda imagined myself being her, that’s why I said a fox.” Not just imagined.

“A fox girl? Hmm…” Mom’s signature thinking frown deepened. “Then do you want to be a girl as well?”

“What…? I… uh…”

Did I want to be a girl?

“I mean… yeah, I guess? It’s probably better to be a girl…? I’m not one, though, so…”

“Oh…” Something gleamed in Mom’s eyes. “Well, why do you want to be a girl then? Why do you think it’s better?”

“I… don’t know? It just is? Or probably would be?” The not-true form was definitely better.

“So it’s just a feeling? A hunch?”

“I guess…? It’s stupid.” I waved my hand, hoping she would forget it and not think of me as an idiot.

“It’s not stupid,” she reassured me. “Normally, you would have a reason to think something is better, wouldn’t you?”

“Well… yeah.”

“But you said you don’t know why you feel that way. Which doesn’t change the fact that you do. So there has to be a reason for it then, right?”

“Maybe…?”

I looked at her, not sure what to say. My brain was processing what she had just said. A reason why I felt that way?

“Do you want to try it then?”

“Try… what?”

“Being a girl for a day.”

That brought me up short. I stared at my Mom as if she’d just fallen out of the sky. Try being a girl?

“I can call you my daughter and you can pick a girl name for yourself. We can call this an experiment if you want. Maybe you’ll figure out why you think it’s better to be a girl.”

“But… that’s…”

Wrong? Weird? Pointless? Why couldn’t I come up with a good reason to decline? I felt like I should decline, but another part of me was actually looking forward to it.

“Okay… we can try it.”

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She gave me a bright smile. “Alright. Let’s pick out a name then. Do you have one in mind?”

“A name? Well…”

I thought back on my name searching session. The one girl name that stood out to me for some reason. Should I go with that? Or something else entirely? I felt like I was committing a crime, taking on a girl's name.

“Renee.” I said it anyway, shooing the doubts away.

“Renee…” Mom repeated it in a whisper.

Something about that name felt nice. It wasn’t a very common name nowadays, but I really liked it.

“It’s, uh… French. Written with two E’s at the end. It used to be popular in English in the past.”

Mom smiled again. “I see you have done your research.”

Ugh…

“Well then, Renee. Today, you are my daughter.”

“O-okay…”

Being called Renee felt… weird. Odd, unusual, but also kinda cool. Like meeting a celebrity. A surreal experience.

“Of course, if you want to, it doesn’t need to be just today. You can continue to be my daughter if that’s what you want.”

“I… Uh, we’ll see.”

“Alright,” she said and patted me on my head. “I think it’s time I made some dinner for us, how about that?”

“Yeah, sure. Um, I can help.”

“Okay, let’s go then.”

For the first time in a while, I spent some quality time with my Mom. We made dinner, ate it, chatted about all sorts of things, all while I played the role of a daughter rather than a son.

Somehow, being in this form began to feel better than before. It still wasn’t comparable to the fox form, but it was bearable again.

“So how do you feel so far?”

“Hmm? Well, I… I don’t mind this arrangement.”

My voice still felt horrible, though.

“Alright.” She smiled. “Do you want to continue this tomorrow then?”

“I mean… Sure. Why not?” I tried not to sound too happy about it.

Then I remembered my friends.

“Oh, uh… I invited Frank and Casey over tomorrow though…”

“Hmm…” Mom’s thinking frown returned. “We could keep it going anyway if you want. Or should I stop when they come?”

I thought about it for a second. Way too much had happened today. Initially, I had invited them over to show them the portals, which would also include showing them my fox form. But I hadn’t even thought about the fact that my fox form was female and whether that would be weird for them.

Well, knowing the two, they would probably be understanding, but I couldn’t help but be concerned.

I looked over to Mom, breaking my frown.

Speaking of which, maybe I should tell Mom about the portals as well. 

“Um, I’ll try to tell them about it… And, uh, I also wanted to show them something. I think I should show you too.”

“Hmm? What do you want to show me?”

“I… Um…” I mulled over it for a second, weighing the pros and cons, imagining what her reaction would be.

“I want to show you…” Then I finally decided. “The game I’m playing.”

I couldn’t tell her about the portals. I didn’t want to give her more to worry about.