Chapter 5: The Bad Morning

Shame

That's all he felt anymore. When was the last time he was happy? Scratch that, when was the last time he felt angry? 

He had tossed out any mirrors and covered up his bathroom mirror months ago. Looking at himself hurt to much. He looked to his disgusting vile body. Contempt was all he felt. He felt like he'd been in his room for years but leaving would make him feel even more isolated.

Being alone next to people was worse. 

All of a sudden, he was in a floating dark void, naked and cold, so cold. Slowly the rising laughter and growls of disgust rose up. He felt so vulnerable, so alone. He suddenly found himself on the top of an empty lonely roof. 

What a fittitng end for a horrible disgusting person like me.

He fell.

Jackson jumped out of his beanbag, and then he jumped back in. Today was cold for some reason. Maybe the heavy warm blankets would keep the cold emptinees out and banish that nothingness which found it's way in again.

Maybe the blankets would stop his tears from falling down his cheeks.

When was the last time he cried? Actually cried? A good cry that made him feel better? He couldn't remember. The tiniest emotion, happy or sad seemed to worm it's way into his heart, and squish it.

His chest hurt. He couldn't breathe. His breaths were rapid and short. It hurt. It wouldn't stop. Help. Please. Please. Please help me.

 

No.

Stand up.

The tiny little... Not voice, the promise. The promise of a better tomorrow. It spoke to him.

He stood up, and grit his teeth against the chill of self hate. And he got dressed, and ate breakfast, and brushed his teeth, and planned his day. Anything away from his sleeping bag- that- that PRISON of false comfort.

He was oh so over and tired of waiting for a better tomorrow.

He wanted a better today.

 

     

 

Jackson steadied his breath, he pulled back his bow string, and released. 

His arrow flew... Not true. It hit a tree and sunk in, scaring the rabbit away. Again. He was so... Annoyed, almost... Angry?

He had been apathetic for so long that he had a hard time telling.

"This- *sigh* this isn't productive isn't it."

His hands were shaky. For the longest time, whenever he got angry, he cried and got sad. He didn't lash out, he didn't start insulting, he just broke down. Now? He didn't what he was feeling and he didn't know what to feel.

He would just force emotions onto himself, usually. He even got an ability for it. But-

No more. You feel what you feel, and you don't get to cling to the escapism of fake memories. Especially if you want to make real ones. 

He plain old didn't know how to deal with anger. Like with most things, no one taught him, he was all self taught, and here? He had no expertise.

Just... Instead of getting fed up over stuff like this, try and find out why you feel this way and fix it. That sounds right, right?

He sighed. 

"I hope so".

     

He shot another arrow. Close. Then another. And another. And then he had to collect them. His stomach growled. But he let it. At least the hunger made him feel something.

Today sucked.

One moment can set the mood for an entire day and he hated it.

"The Bad Morning" was a concept he hated with his whole being. Sometimes a day can be horrible when nothing bad even happens. Many days that even have a good start, and are low stress can end up like this.

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One of many sighs escaped Jackson's mouth again. "It's just a fact of life I guess." C'est la vie was a term he was coming to be well acquainted with. 

"Maybe some adrenaline would make me feel better. I'll eat after."

At least one good thing came out of all the tireless accuracy training.

 

 

He had managed to get a bullseye on his makeshift targets. Which, to him, was at least one good thing today.

Archery was a great addition to his skillset, and while he still didn't have a class, nor wanted to just be an archer, It was another avenue to deal damage.

I... Still don't have a class.

He wanted to never think about it again, but he couldn't help it, today got him in a bad mindset that dominated all others. At the very least, only the squirrels could see his emotional breakdowns.

No matter how hard I try, I don't get one. If only... If only I was satisfied with that class when I was able to take it. It's not that I didn't want to be the Hero... I Just- I wanted to be everything! 

Another sigh escaped his lips.

But that's not it, isn't it. I've always known the answer haven't I? I was happy with that class, but no one else would be, so I threw it away. I still remember how everyone reacted when I told them. I was the first person in my age group in town to have a class offered that early.

At least mom was happy for me. Said it would fit me, "A Jack called Jackson". But no one likes Jacks.

Everyone called me boring. Some people tried to reach out but it was too late. My heart was sore from losing Michael and that was a punch in the throat. The amount of times dad has said "I just want the best for you." makes me want to commit a crime just because.

But, I can't do anything about that now.

So, all I can do is my best. The best that I personally want for myself.

I'm tired.

I'm really tired.

     

 

Learning magic made him feel more normal, it was always pretty fun. Hopefully that would prove true this time. Learning a new magic school depended on a few things, your knowledge of what you were learning, familiarity, imagination, magic control, past experience, you get the point, it had many variables that could affect it.

Right now, Jackson was learning the foundation schools for fire, which are heat and wind, also known as oxygen. As science and the understanding of the world grew, magic developed strangely. On closer inspection to how people used to learn magic and how people learn it now, people found something interesting. While it is easier to learn magic based off how well you understand the school you're learning, understanding is not needed as long as you've experienced the school in some way. The only understanding needed is basic.

Before people knew what oxygen was, they could still learn wind magic. It just makes it easier. It used to take years to learn magic, and now it takes weeks. Well, to unlock the school at least.

Technically, prerequisite school's aren't needed, it just takes a long time.

But for now, Jackson needed to learn heat magic. So he started a fire and did exactly what society and people tell you not to do. Play with fire.

     

Jackson winced.

"Hothothothot!"

He pulled back from the firepit.

"God, I think I burnt my eyebrows."

He didn't actually touch the fire, he just got to close to it. He really didn't need to risk his eyebrows to learn heat magic, but it helped him in a way. He could learn heat magic just as well from taking a sun bath or wading in the cold river. Heat goes both ways after all. Intense temperatures can help you breakthrough though, and he wanted to learn heat magic in the next three days, so it would do well to hurry it up a bit. He didn't think he could learn fire magic before he applied to the adventurer's guild, but he could try.

As a side note, he could try and learn wind magic first, and just capitalize on that, but it takes a long time to get good with wind magic and he might be able to skip it and go straight to fire. Adding more mana would fuel the fire after all, it would just get a bit explosive is all. The logistics of learning fire magic numbered in the many, if he didn't learn wind magic, the fire would eat up the air around him like a normal fire, which can be disadvantages in certain situations. A mana burning flame would solve that, but... Boom.

Well a big boom every now and then isn't that bad.

Jackson was, tired, not in just the emotional way now, although, sadly, that was still there. What he could use was a nice sleep, preferably with no nightmares. And that thought subsequently kept him up for 2 hours.

 

 

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