Chapter 5: The Past is Painful

I hide in my room after lunch. I can’t deal with being near anyone else right now, and I feel like I should look into current events anyways. I’m probably not going to be here very long, judging by what Andrew said yesterday, so it would probably be a good idea to learn as much as I can.

I reluctantly look up all of the news sites I can think of on my Cortex, irked by how inhuman it feels having a desktop superimposed across my vision. I hope I can get used to this.

I narrow down the search to specific time frames, starting with right around the time of Matt’s death - Independence Day, 2062. Unsurprisingly, there was a fair bit of press around the whole situation - people who were anti-war mourning a tragedy, people who were pro-war celebrating a victory. There were people who loved to point out how Matt was gay, how he and Will were trans, how the two of them had been slowly “poisoning the world with their agenda”. Those ones, “shockingly”, never seemed to mention Mari, the cisgendered straight-passing one, unless it was to mention her Mexican heritage and how they were trying to destroy what little was left of the American Dream. Anyone worth shit knew that the American dream died in 2054 when China bombed Seattle, when the war started.

Matt was fifteen years old when they heard the news. Sitting in a classroom in Chicago, Illinois, everyones worlds shattered in an instant as soon as that announcement started.

“Attention staff and students,” The PA blared from the speakers in the ceiling, “This is Principal Reynolds. We have just received news that an atomic bomb has been dropped on American soil, in Seattle, Washington. We are calling for an optional early release today for those who wish to go home, including teachers and other staff.”

Matt makes note of the time and date, 12:51PM on Wednesday, March 4 2054. He needs to remember that, first and foremost, before he fully processes the words he just heard. He looks over at Will, desk buddies since the day they met, and tears are pouring down his face. Matt wonders for a moment if he’s wrong for not being more upset, but distracts himself by grabbing Will’s hand and squeezing it tightly for a moment, before letting go again. He’s probably going to have to sign if he want to talk right now.

“What happens when they target us next?” The boy with the ‘broken’ voice signs, hands shaking badly so badly it’s almost difficult to read some of the signs.

“I don’t know.” Matt was rarely unsure, but in this moment he had no idea of what to do. He’d have a plan soon, but this came so suddenly, his brain was at a standstill. “Do you want to find Mari and go home? I can come with, if you want.”

Will just nods and gets up slowly. Mr. Bird, the debate teacher, doesn’t stop them as they walk out of the door.

I don’t have any memory of Vin’s death. As research tells me, it’s much harder to scan a dead brain than a living one, even if it has been perfectly preserved. A fair bit of preserving the memories has to do with how the synapses fire and the information they can draw from that. Even now, the knowledge isn’t entirely complete, which is what Rachel mentioned yesterday when when she explained why I’m a damn cyborg.

I manage to move past that period of about a year directly following his death, past all of the horrible things said about him, the death threats toward Will and Mari, and even Mari and Matt’s families. Will’s family was never in the picture for any of us.

The next big thing that happened was the end of the war with China and the Communist Powers, as they, Russia, and North Korea called themselves. They had deep grudges with several NATO states, so they figured that two of the largest countries in the world along with the most loyal military force in the world, they would be able to take on any foe. They did not account for the USA’s hundreds of nukes.

Most large cities in NATO countries were evacuated as a tactic to see if they would be attacked while empty. The answer was, largely, no. But still, New York, Matt’s home city, was flattened by bombs and infected by nuclear fallout. That had happened back in April 2056, over the course of a week, as Russian bombers were continually shot down as they inched closer to the city. Until they sent a small fleet of them to decimate the city.

The city had been long evacuated, but as soon as they realized that they had nukes they cleared half of New England. That was the day before the bombs fell.

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It felt like the start of a good apocalypse movie. But it was terrifying when you were actually living it. Matt was at home with his mom and Will, watching with bated breath as the news gave the latest on the evacuation efforts.

“We are receiving all-clear notices from Boston and Albany, but remember that we are not sure how widespread this attack will be. We know that these planes will not have enough fuel to get any further east than Pittsburgh and no further south than Greensboro North Carolina, but we strongly encourage everyone within that area to evacuate. Cincinnati, Nashville, and Atlanta have set up refugee centers, but we ask that those with family elsewhere in the country head there first. This is an unprecedented refugee crisis, and we want as many people as possible to have a roof over their head tonight.”

They had already prepared the guest room for his grandpa, the last member of his father’s family still alive. He had lived in Philadelphia, but it was probably going to be rubble tomorrow. Will was trembling, and Matt was trying desperately to hold himself together. He had grown up in New York. His childhood home wasn’t going to exist anymore in a few hours.

I feel nauseous from the memories. The incongruence of Matt’s emotions and mine are making my head spin. I wouldn’t be able to hold myself together if that happened when I existed, if I saw my world burning around me. He was stronger than I am, he knew how to deal with bad shit. I’m breaking down just from the memory, vivid as it may be. I didn’t technically live through it, I just have the memories of someone who did.

I can’t keep going with this right now. I’m going to have a full-blown meltdown if I have to remember anything more. I wish I could block all of this behind a mental wall, but no matter how hard I try, my memories are neatly cataloged in the far reaches of my mind, where I can easily access them but never interfere with them.

I turn all of the Cortex software off, then lie down on my bed face-down. Can I just disappear? Maybe if I stay here long enough, they’ll forget I’m here. Maybe they’ll just let me starve myself, or maybe they’ll throw me out when they realize how different I am from what they want. I’d take anything if it meant getting out of this place.

It feels like I’m being crushed by a hydraulic press every time someone comes too close to me, looks at me too long, or touches me. Matt got sensory overload occasionally, but this is a whole other level. I’ve only been here half a day and I already know that if I have to deal with this for very long, I might as well die right here and now.

I’m pulled from my dread spiral by a knock at the door, firm but restrained. “Vince? It’s time for dinner.”

Has it seriously been five hours? I know I spent a lot longer than I should have looking through old news, but that couldn’t have taken longer than an hour and a half. So I was feeling sorry for myself and being miserable for the rest of that time? God, I really am pathetic.
I roll out of bed and stumble to the door, trying to shake any and all expression from my face before I pull it open and come face-to-face with the shorter of my two handlers. Or, it would be face-to-face if I were a foot shorter. I don’t understand where my freakish height comes from, but I guess it could be considered an advantage.

“Mac said you were doing gymnastics in the gym earlier?” It’s not quite small talk, but the way she delivers the sentence makes it seem like it definitely is.

“Yeah.” I don’t want to talk right now, I would much rather let myself feel like a piece of shit for just a few more minutes. “I’m too weak to actually do anything, though.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll build up plenty of muscle if you work out a little bit every day!” She seems chipper today, or at least more so than she did yesterday. “You need to remember that your body is new, so it’s going to take a while to fully work the way it should.”

Sure. Time is going to fix all of this.

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