Chapter 86: 85: 85

How does she know that she can't love him? Thanks to the bond, she can't tell whether she can love him or not.  Find authorized novels in Webnovel，faster updates, better experience，Please click www.webnovel.com for visiting.

If he keeps looking at her like that, she will waver. She will hug him. She will kiss him. She will love him.

The thought scares her. Why did she think that she loves him? 

She can't trust whether it's her or the bond. Why does it matter to her so much? She shouldn't care whether it's the bond or her free will. But, it's important to her. If she loves someone, she wants to do it under no outsider's influence. She wants to experience it genuinely. 

That's why she doesn't promise him that she won't try breaking the bond.

"Fu Sheng, I want..." 'You'.

"What do you want?" He probes her. "Don't hesitate. You can tell me, Huang Qiuyan."

"Want..." To break the bond. She can't promise him that she won't. But why can't she say it? She wants him. The chaotic thoughts in her mind are making her crazy. There are two of her that want different things -- a part of her wants to be desperately free and the other part wants to embrace him.

"Want what?" He tries to feel it through the bond. Her conflicting emotions penetrate through his mind. He sighs and scoops her up in his arms. "Don't think too hard. You are already not that smart. If you think that hard, your intelligence might diminish. There's nothing much to begin with."

She's having a hard time in her way. Are her challenges harder than the other converts? He has to soothe the mental anguish that she's experiencing currently.

Huang Qiuyan presses her head to his chest, listening to his heartbeat. The chaotic thoughts are making her head hurt and the intense feelings are exhausting her. Why does she want so many things? She doesn't want to think anymore. She wants her mind to be silent. She doesn't want to feel anything anymore. 

"If you can't figure out what you want, you can rely on me and follow my lead. I am the king, after all." She hears him say, "Even if you don't want me as your mate, I am still responsible for you as your king."

"Can I truly rely on you?" She presses her head to his chest, listening to his heartbeat. The chaotic thoughts are making her head hurt. She doesn't want to think anymore. 

"Yes." His voice is resolute and calming.

"Who do you rely on then?" She closes her eyes. 

Fu Sheng doesn't answer. 

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"Why do I want to be someone you can rely on?" Clutching his shirt, she rubs her face on his chest. "I don't know what my true feelings are. I am sick of it. I don't even know you well, but I feel like I know you."

There's nothing that he can say to soothe her. This is something that she needs to understand by herself. She has already pushed him away and he won't console her the way that a mate does. He will keep whatever is left of his pride. 


Still, he walks slower, wanting to spend more time with her in his arms. 

"You don't have to concentrate on those feelings," Fu Sheng tells her after a long moment. "If it is easier for you to live if you believe that those feelings are fake, do it. Maybe you will find someone who can... make you feel the way you want. The bond is weak between us. In time, you will learn to shield your emotions from me. Then, we would only be bound by life. If both of us live safely, we won't be a hindrance to each other."

She trembles in his arms. He senses her uneasiness. 

"Maybe I will also find someone who can love me the way I want her to." That's all he can say to make her feel better. As long as she doesn't invite disaster on herself, it's okay if it is like this. He chuckles, "Ease your mind. I don't think that you are beautiful enough to be my queen. You did the right thing by rejecting me."

"I know that I am not pretty. You don't have to tell me." She grumbles, annoyed. 

"So, you are aware." Fu Sheng smiles sadly. "Be one of my people and fix this world with me. Your family is here, isn't? Vampires live for a long time. You shouldn't hold grudges toward them. Once they are gone, they are gone. You will find yourself regretful for not doing what you could do for them as a family. Ask anyone among the purebloods. They will tell you the same thing."

"You are not speaking as a king." She looks up at him. "Do you also have regrets?"

His family died during the purge. They sacrificed themselves to save him and the other purebloods. Wounded and nearly dead, they had to leave them behind and save themselves. It's one of his biggest regrets. "I am old. If I say that I don't have regrets, that's a huge lie."

"You lie a lot though." She pokes his chest. "You are hurting, but you aren't telling me why."

"I don't have any reason to tell you." He lays her down on the bed. "Little woman, you are only my mate just in name. We are practically divorced in human terms."

"We never got married in the first place." She scowls at him darkly. 

"Give rest to your overthinking brain." He places his hand over her eyes. They might end up arguing all night on this. He's also tired and there's a job that he must do. The council is waiting for the response. "Tomorrow will be a better day."

"If it isn't a better day, I will hate you."

He stays beside her until she falls asleep. He looks at his wet palm. He walks out of the room. There's much to do.

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