Chapter 8: 8. Blame

When Levia regained herself after her outburst, her embarrassment was apparent as her face turned red as a tomato. 

 

She played it off by smiling confidently, but even that wavered.

 

'You can do it.' Theo slightly cheered her on.

 

The sight of his proud older sister was a little pitiful. But it would be a lie to say he didn't find it amusing.

 

"It appears that losing something made you gain what you lost," Levia said, acting like nothing happened.

 

"Mm." Theo awkwardly nodded.

 

Theo also pushed himself to just brush everything off. 

 

Consequently, he was pretty intrigued by her words.

 

'Does that mean I actually practiced an Art before? Seems like I was incorrect about the original's hesitation.'

 

It was different from what Theo believed.

 

While his thoughts trailed off, and Levia was without anything to say, thick silence filled the air. 

 

"Um-ah, your breathing... is uneven, why not um, sit with me here to catch your breath?"

 

An attempt was made to make contact.

 

It was challenging to listen to, but Theo did not bother with Levia's obvious social inadequacies. There was also a time when he couldn't look others in the eyes.

 

They eventually sat on the ground with the wall on their backs, watching the stray cats eat. The cats felt Theo's presence, and their attention was taken from their bowls. 

 

Their eyes gleamed as they ran to Theo, welcoming him so he would love them and become another source of food.

 

Nyaa~

 

They all meowed in delight as they rubbed their bodies on his legs.

 

"Oh, they're really friendly for strays. Does sister often feed the cats here in secret?"

 

Levia let out an exasperated sigh, "No, this is the first time I did this. You were the one who took care of them in the past."

 

"Me!?" Theo was surprised, "From what I heard about my past actions, I didn't peg myself to be so... humane."

 

"Don't sell yourself too short, Theo. You had your flaws, but who doesn't?" Levia answered, "For years, you have fed them every night without fail. I even saw you feeding them when you were drunk and then letting the cats drink alcohol from time to time. That might also be why you unconsciously came here even though you didn't know what you were doing…."

 

"Is that so." Theo quietly laughed, 'So, I had cliché episodes like that?'

 

Though vague, Theo could remember one or two Heroes who did the same in the past. They were the excellent type handsome bad boys, who would feed or adopt animals during the rain, 'I'm pretty sure I witnessed something like this happening. Was it when the Hero was a Girl? A Shoujo Fantasy, yeah, that sounds about right. She "unknowingly" seduced the Captain of the Knights and the two Princes —which I still call bullshit— then I heard they got married before I got executed. Wait, if the chick got married to three dudes... how does the honeymoon work? Was it a four-way? Damn, now I'm curious—"

 

"What are you thinking so deeply about?"

 

"AH!" 

 

Theo was awakened from his intrinsic thoughts.

 

"It's just… this scar." Theo touched the scar on his neck. "It had been itching since I picked up the sword. Where did I get it?"

 

He lied.

 

"Ah… that scar...." Levia held a distant looked, "It had been a long time since we got to talk with each other like this… it does not feel right that I am not shouting at you for being lazy for not training or being drunk all the time…."

 

"You are changing the subject, Older Sister… is it that hard to tell me how I got this scar? Did someone die? Did I commit some form of atrocity?" he pried deeper.

 

"…you are far sharper now, huh."

 

"Why… do you really not want to talk about it? If you don't, then, I'll just ask Father." For some reason, Theo reached out of his way to go and ask.

 

He was compelled to ask.

 

To hear Levia speak of why.

 

"…"

 

But Levia did not respond, hesitant to utter what happened. Theo sat next to her, staring, but his mind wandered as well. 

 

'I need to know the truth. To settle the soul…and myself.'

 

He could feel the pain resonating from within. It was not his but the remnants of the past. A painful memory even the previous owner did not wish to unearth. For now, Theo believes that he and the original had become as one.

 

That, not a simple takeover had taken place but a more elaborate and complicated matter. Theo did not know why, but he knew how. The Goddess' presence.

 

Theo did not receive the memories and the emotions; he inherited them and took them as his own. The fear, anxiety, and original had merged it with what he has and took it as his own. 

 

The hand holding the sword trembled, and the scar itched with every beat of his heart was proof of this defective takeover. 

 

Theo could feel his heart beating more prominently than before. He knew of this emotion; it was all too familiar for him. This emotion was him thinking of "everyday life," thinking of "laughing" without being controlled, 'Envy, fear, and hate.'

 

He wanted to know — he needed to understand so that he could be put to rest.

 

It was as if a whisper was telling him that he must get the answer from Levia herself. Beckoned to seek out the response from a single source.

 

Telling him, it would be the truth.

 

For Levia, it was a painful memory, but for Theo… it was necessary to fill a part of himself. He had the right to know and learn of his past.

 

Levia fought the conflict in her mind, 'And that scar… like he said… it has to be me who tells him… maybe… now… I'll be able to tell him about that too.'

 

Levia took a deep breath.

 

"When you were ten, an underground group attacked the auction we were in with Father and Mothers. At the time, a foolish girl was acting hastily and wanted to join the fight between adults. Being a woman, she was seen as delicate and frail all her life despite everything she did. She trains in the sword, like her brother and father, but she was nothing but a flower to be protected by them. She saw the attack as a way to prove herself to her family that she was strong and more than capable of defending herself that she could be a warrior as well.

 

"However, while she was busy throwing her weight around, one of the attackers swung his blade at the girl. The girl froze in front of a real sword. She felt threatened, and in the act of heroic, you pushed her out of harm's way, taking the blade's might for yourself. But, little to our knowledge, that man's gift happened to lace his sword with poison that increases the pain he inflicts on others by tenfold…."

 

Levia paused, remembering what happened. She held a smile, still, but she now slouched. 

 

"The Girl watched as you fell on the ground, losing blood, writhing in pain, incapable of staying still. From every orifice you bled, the girl could only stay still, incapable of saying anything; she watched you, not speaking. She was frightened, and when we got home, for the next three days, you begged our mothers… to kill you.

 

"Your veins turned dark and were visible from your skin. It threatened to burst every passing minute until Father arrived, covered in wounds, holding the medicine. The poison was taken out of your system. The pain was gone, but the fear burrowed deep past the scar and into the heart. Even holding a sword became a challenge; you would vomit and break into a massive fever, but for months you tried… crying that if you could not even hold a sword… you would not be able to become a Sword Magister like Father. The talent you had became irrelevant, so you were kicked out of the Magister Academy. You were sent back, and those who envied you laughed at the tragedy of your fate."

 

The tale ended under a heavy tone.

 

But, again, Theo could feel his unknown desire to continue.

 

Telling him, it was not enough.

 

"…how about the girl? What happened to her?"

 

Levia's face was now hidden by her hair. But Theo could hear the change in her tone.

 

"For three days, she stayed by your side… but hearing your screams, she fled and cried. When you woke up, she could not appear before you, fearing what you might say. However, when she mustered to appear in front of you, she froze and then ran away... crying as though she was wronged. After that… she stopped crying altogether."

 

"Why did she run from me? Was my scar that ugly?" Theo laughed, "Well, I can't blame her; it's not exactly that pleasing to see such a—"

 

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"No!" Levia shouted, scaring the stray cats, "No, she…."

 

 "Hmmm, then, did I blame her? Did I berate her?"

 

"You didn't blame anyone!" Levia shouted as an answer.

 

"Then why?"

 

"..."

 

"Older Sister, what happened? Tell me, please."

 

Theo's smile of amusement had long disappeared. 

 

He was now only wanted to fulfill the void inside. 

 

He wanted to hear it from Levia; why? Why did the girl run away? She knows the truth, but she was holding it from him.

 

He should stop... logic and common decency told him to do so.

 

But, the voice and desire did not allow him.

 

It screamed... shouted... a shapeless voice echoing inside.

 

Frustration and irritation mixed, Theo failed to control his voice, "Why, did she run away!?"

 

"BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO BLAME ME!" 

 

Levia Sigurd is a prominent figure in the younger generations for being an abrasive and strong woman. She was commanding and had a strong heart. She was like a general in front of her peers, but, in front of Theo, the façade broke.

 

Levia's emotions burst, and as she raised her head, revealing her tear-stained visage, she looked directly at Theo's eyes, "Till this day, I don't know why I ran away! I carry that guilt, and despite all that, I screamed at you, seeing you laze about knowing full well that it was my fault that you became like that!!

 

"I didn't need you to smile and ask me if I was all right at that time! I treated you harshly! So why!? Why won't you rue my existence! I knew you could not hold a sword, but I told you to train in other Arts, telling you to abandon what you desired! But still… why? Why didn't you yell at me? Why didn't you rebuke my words!? Why didn't you tell me that it was my hubris that brought you down to this level! That it was my fault why you couldn't train! Why didn't you criticize me!? I… beg of you… blame me!"

 

Levia did not know why she was confronting the amnesiac Theo about the past. Was it because if this was the past, she would not be able to tell him the truth? She did not know, but she could no longer control her words.

 

The voice that echoed disappeared, but he failed to even notice them. He was satisfied by the question, posing as the answer he wanted to get.

 

Theo shouted at Levia, desiring an answer, but what he got were questions. 

 

Something he shouldn't be able to give.

 

Theo watched her break down. He did not expect for this matter to be this complex, but as he sat there and received one of the terrified cats in his embrace and stroked it gently, Theo sighed.

 

The answer Levia wanted wasn't something he could give her.

 

He wasn't her original brother.

 

He does not have the memories that he should.

 

But, he chose to speak calmly, "I… hadn't told this to anyone but, other than the amnesia, there are remnants inside me that react when I see everyone, especially at Mother Laura. Though I don't know her very well, I feel anxious, desperate to help her, and even guilty I cannot take her place. When I see the three children, I feel calm. When I look at the maids and Butler Viel, I feel afraid.

 

"But when I see you, especially at this moment… I felt envy, fear, and hate. It is bizarre."

 

Theo already knew that this takeover was beyond what he had experienced before. 

 

But he did not notice that these words coming from him were from his own and from the original.

 

"I thought I hated you but hearing your words just now cleared my mind, but now, I know that I don't. It's not hatred; it was self-loathing. That I gave you so much burden on your shoulders. Because of my actions, you are being forced to do something that you do not want to do.

 

" I think I only envied you because you got to train in the path I wished to take, unlike me. Because you became who I wanted to be. I may have feared you because, unlike how our parents acted, how they looked at me with consideration, you were the only one who did otherwise. You wanted me to change." 

 

Theo's eyes left the cat's. He looked at Levia and asked her, "You said you wanted me to train in other Arts… why?" 

 

"I… don't know."

 

"I see, so you are unsure. Wanna hear what I think?" 

 

Levia unknowingly nodded.

 

"I may be wrong, but it might be because you wanted me to change? To not waste away. Wanting to encourage me, despite not knowing how. A shy sister wishing for my own betterment when everyone pitied me too much to say anything else?"

 

"That's not..."

 

"You pose to be a strong figure, trying to take my place, showing me that I too can rise like you. I know this is true because the self-loathing I feel stem from the fact that you had to change. That you have to act tough in front of others from what I used to be. Are you replacing me? Maybe, maybe not... but from all that I have heard and your actions, I think my answer to why I didn't blame is... what is there to blame? You took my place to lift our name when I couldn't. If nothing else, I wouldn't be mad if you shout at me for placing so much on your shoulders."

 

Biting her lips, Levia's eyes watered. Her body wavered, and so did her voice, "Why!? Just why... won't you blame!? Even now... when you lost your memories..." 

 

"I don't know about the past me but, for me, I think it's solely because you're my family… I lost the ability to wield the sword in exchange for saving your life. Seeing you alive… I cannot ask for more."

 

For a thousand lifetimes, Theo was, more often than not, a liar. He had seen so many problems caused by lying, he was abandoned because of lies so he swore that if possible, he would speak the truth as often as he could.

 

Since his arrival in this life, he had been lying to others.

 

However, at this moment, every word he spoke to Levia was something that embodied his desire — honesty.

 

Hearing that from him, Levia felt a lump stuck in her throat. She finally got a direct answer from him, and she finally realized what it was that she wanted him to say.

 

She gripped her chest as she finally understood what it was that she wanted to tell him for so long, "I'm... sorry... if not for me... you wouldn't have..."

 

Levia was strong, but even she could not hold back the emotion she had held for so long. For years no one had seen her cry.

 

Levia had always thought she was undeserving of such luxury. 

 

She smiled, even when her hands bled from continuously swinging the sword. 

 

She grinned when she was hit. 

 

She laughed when she was sad. 

 

She tried to replace what the previous Theo had left in their family.

 

But in front of Theo, she let out what she couldn't in the past.

 

Tears. 

 

Levia allowed herself to cry, and Theo pulled someone in his embrace for the first time in a long time.

 

He gave her comfort she didn't think she deserved. 

 

"Theo... I......" Levia's lips quivered. "I'm.... sorry...."

 

She sobbed without caring for her image.

 

Levia had sought forgiveness for the last ten years since the incident, not knowing she had been forgiven long ago.

 

Now, after ten years, Theo only wished that Levia could finally forgive herself.

 

As she cried in his embrace, Theo patted his older sister, saying, "It's fine...it was not your fault... and thank you for not giving up on me."