Chapter 198: Chapter 185 – Her Smile

I switched from running to walking fast when I noticed Fenrir’s figure couldn’t be seen anywhere in sight.

Just how long is Fenrir going to wait before he tries to catch up with me? Isn’t it like he’s underestimating me?

Just as I was about to pout and turn around, suddenly I saw a dark figure rushing to my direction in a high speed.

T-this is…!

In my surprise, I reflexively began to run faster.

Despite my efforts, Fenrir managed to catch up with me in such a frightening speed. And as he finally ran by my side, he slowed down his speed.

 

“N-no way, you’re so fast!” I said in awe.

I knew that as a beast, his physical power would be overwhelming, but I didn’t expect it to be this overwhelming!!

Add the fact that Fenrir was quite old—I meant, not so young anymore, but I guess he was still strong.

 

“Fen… Rir… I’m tired… Gasp… Let’s walk… slowly… we’re… almost there!” I said as I stopped to catch my breath.

“Heh, it’s my win,” Fenrir said smugly as he slowed down and waited for me.

“Yeah, I won’t do this kind of thing anymore,” I said in my defeat.

We both walked together leisurely and arrived in a beautiful meadow on a hill near my house. The gentle breeze greeted my body. I sat down on the fluffy grass as I looked towards the scenery below. Fenrir sat next to me.

 

“You took longer than you told me. Did something happen?” Fenrir asked.

“Yeah. I barely arrived when I sensed others’ presence there and…”

I began telling Fenrir about the surprising event that happened just this morning.

“…Honestly, it all feels so surreal, I still can’t believe it,” I said after I finished telling everything.

“It is indeed something else… As if it’s fated,” Fenrir said.

I chuckled nervously and nodded. At this point, I couldn’t deny that I was thinking of the same thing as Fenrir.

“But aren’t you glad you finally found the answer to your last question about your past self’s reason for existence?”

“I am. I didn’t think I’d find out so soon, so really…”

The coincidences of the timing are just… too scary, to be honest. Even if a part of me is glad, another part of me is getting the chills.

 

“So, are you ready to process everything that’s happened so far?” Fenrir’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“You see, even if your consciousness has acknowledged the information you have received, your subconsciousness might not have accepted that yet. I’m pretty sure you know that our subconsciousness influences us more. I can help you communicate with your subconsciousness in order to process it,” Fenrir explained.

“You can do that kind of thing?!”

“Yeah. That’s why my power can be dangerous. Some wicked people wanted to make use of my power to do evil stuff—to manipulate others’ subconsciousness to make them do their biddings. On the other hand, this power can also be used to help someone overcome their subconscious wounds.”

“That’s an amazing power,” I said as I was still in awe.

And how does that exactly work? I’m dying to find out.

“Alright then… Let’s try?” I asked.

“You ready?” Fenrir asked me back.

“I think I am,” I nodded.

“Then, look into my eyes,” Fenrir said as I locked my eyes with his red eyes.

An unusual glint appeared in Fenrir’s red eyes after I was focused into them.

Before long, I could feel my consciousness drift away…

 

***

 

When I opened my eyes and regained my consciousness, I was in an unfamiliar area…

Nope.

I saw that my surrounding was… eh, the meadow that I was in before?

No, it was even more beautiful. I didn’t see any hill either. A lot more flowers grew in this meadow. The sun light felt as if it was nearing dusk… and the breeze felt so refreshing. Although I was sure I never knew this place at all, a nostalgic feeling grew in my heart.

As I just finished looking around the surrounding, suddenly, I saw a figure who was standing in front of me, not so close, yet not too far.

The figure was at the same height as me, and she was wearing a pretty white sleeveless dress. However, I couldn’t see her face because she also wore a hat that covered her head—plus, she was looking down so all I could see was only her hat.

But my bright mind concluded that it was myself—a symbolism of my subconsciousness, I guess?

 

“Uhm, hi, me…?” I awkwardly reached out to her while screaming inside my heart, trying to call Fenrir, ‘Oooy, Fenrir, help me! I’m a bit at loss here. What am I supposed to do? You didn’t explain anything!!’

However, even if I were to scream out his name in my mind, his usual calming voice and his tutorial-like explanation never appeared this time.

Thankfully, the figure in front of me responded by moving her head—she was trying to look at me. And at that time, I was utterly flabbergasted.

The first thing I noticed was that the girl had a brown hair. And when her face was revealed, lo and behold, it was indeed me… but my past incarnation… Reinst was standing in front of me!!!

I didn’t get to say anything before I heard her voice first.

“Hey, how does it feel like to have parents who love you?”

I almost choked on my own saliva when I heard her question.

 

You are reading story I Didn’t Even Want to Live, But God Forced Me to Reincarnate! at novel35.com

As a stinging sensation in my eyes surged, I answered, “It feels… warm and liberating… I don’t have to feel like I have to do something, to work hard… to feel their love… and it feels nice.”

“I see…,” Reinst’s voice could be heard but I couldn’t read what feelings she was currently having.

 “Then how does it feel like to have a loving relationship with your siblings?” She asked again.

I answered truthfully although it was hard to put into words, “It feels nice… I don’t feel lonely with them. I don’t feel like it’s a competition between me and them… to earn our parents’ love… We’re all loved and we love one another…”

“It must be nice.”

“It is. And you know what? You actually could have experienced it with your siblings too, but… I can’t exactly fault you too, with your upbringing,” I said as I remembered how it took me a long process to unlearn the negative upbringing I experienced as Reinst and started embracing the loving upbringing I had as Lyra.

“…And how does it feel like to have friends you can trust?” Reinst didn’t comment on my words, she asked another question instead.

“I feel blessed and lucky to have people who treasure me and who I treasure outside of my family… I had a fight with a dear friend once and it felt terrible, but I was happy we made up and I think we’re even closer than before,” I narrated as the faces of my friends flashed one by one in my mind.

I didn’t think I could have made lots of friends like I did. I felt like having one close friend would be a difficult task, but here I was.

The tears were already threatening to fall from my eyes.

 

“In the past, if only I had opened up and accepted her…,” Reinst mumbled something before she stopped.

“So, tell me… Are you happy?” She asked another question.

For some reason, I just couldn’t hold my tears back again. They fell from my eyes as I said without any hesitation, “I am!”

I wiped the tears that fell from my eyes as I couldn’t stop them at all.

Before I could say anything else, I was surprised by another unbelievable sight.

 

There, right in front of me, I saw Reinst with a sincere and tender smile—one that I never even remember I have made it before in the past when I was still living as her. One that exuded happiness, one that I dreamed I could have made as Reinst.

It was… unexpectedly a beautiful smile.

“Thank you.”

Unlike Reinst’s usual cold voice or the unreadable one that I just heard from her in this dream world, her tone when she said the words of gratitude was so soft and warm.

 

“…?” I was wondering why she would even thank me. I only answered her questions…

Reinst walked closer to me and wiped my tears as she said as if she could tell what I was thinking about…

“Thank you for telling me about it. Thank you for experiencing the things I could only yearn for. Thank you for being happy in your new life… and thank you for proving that my life mattered,” Reinst said.

“I…”

“It’s enough for me. So, now… You can let me go, alright?” She said as she hugged me.

“Reinst… But you are a part of me…,” I tried to control my breath after the overflowing tears finally stopped pouring.

“I was a part of you. The old you. The ‘you’ at this moment is different now. And your past memories as me have served their part in your life. You don’t need to hold on to them anymore. Live as only Lyra now. And be happy. That is enough for me.”

She let go of me and we were looking at each other again.

“Stay true to your heart this time,” Reinst said.

“Mhm… I will… I promise,” I said as I nodded seriously.

“Good. I will be going now,” Reinst said before she walked away from me.

But before she could get too far from me, I held her hand, halting her movements and causing her to turn to look at me.

 

“Thank you for being there, Reinst. You are loved,” I said the words that the past me wanted to hear the most.

For the second time, Reinst’s face broke into a beautiful smile again.

This time, I let go of her hand.

 

Reinst walked away from me once more and I sent her back off. Her figure was heading towards the other side of this beautiful meadow, towards the west where the sun was setting.

As her figure gradually disappeared due to the orange light from the sun, I could also feel that the gentle light around me grew stronger as it started to envelop me.

Though I didn’t really understand what was going on, I could tell that I had already resolved the things that held me back from my past life with my subconsciousness, and I could tell that I’d soon return back to reality.

 

Everything happened for a reason, and I believe it was the best for me to experience my life as Reinst before becoming Lyra.

I can gladly accept everything now.

The pain and suffering I experienced in the past, that has become a far-away memories of mine… As they finally become happiness and warmth I can experience in my present time.

Because I knew how painful it was back then, I could treasure what I have right now with all my heart.

Good bye, Reinst.

Thank you for everything.

I will now live as ‘Lyra’ and will never say that ‘Reinst is me’.

I am Lyra. Reinst is Reinst.

We are one, yet we are different.

 

As the warm light enveloped almost all of me, a strong white light suddenly appeared and washed away everything…

When I open my eyes again in the real world, how will I feel, I wonder?