Chapter 6: 6

[Tao Tao,

If you see this letter, it means that I am no longer with you. Before, when I was a child, when I watched the male and female leads on TV separating to the ends of the world, the other only finding out the truth a long time later, when they saw the last words of the deceased[1], the first sentence must have been something similar. At that time, I was very scornful. I thought they were hypocritical. When encountering such a big event as life or death, if you really love the other person, shouldn’t you tell them the truth so you can face it together? It wasn’t until many years later, when I did the same thing, that I understood what it felt like.

I want to protect you. I don’t want you to be wronged at all. I don’t want you to face any sorrow. If the heavens destined you to taste the pain of parting, then I hope that this time can be delayed as much as possible, and finally extended until you no longer have any longing left for me, because the death of a loved one and the death of an ex-boyfriend are two completely different concepts.

Just thinking about how sad you will be, if you find out now, makes me feel as if my heart is being cut by a knife.

So, please forgive me, forgive me for making this decision on my own, and concealing this without your permission.

Are you crying? Don’t cry… don’t cry… you’re typically so fierce, so why do you become a little crybaby whenever something happens?]

Tao Ran knelt on the ground, covering his face in embarrassment. As he cried, he choked and scolded, “Bastard… bastard… Xu Ziyang, you bastard…”

[Be good, can you smile for me? I haven’t seen you smile in a long time. Only the heavens know, while I was deliberately ignoring you, watching you while you looked at me with an aggrieved expression and asking me what you did wrong, just how awful I felt. Tao Tao, I have never disliked you, I loved you so much. I always thought you were very good, that everything about you was good. Other people always say that you’re expressionless[2], you have a bad temper, and you’re too delicate, unlike a man. But only I know, you don’t get angry for no reason. You firmly believe that right is right and wrong is wrong. Your character is straightforward and generous and you never act in that two-faced[3] way, so sincere and so cute. I remember in third year, you set off fireworks for me. Without thinking about anything else, you said, “Xu Ziyang, I love you! I love you so much!” You don’t know how bright your eyes were under the smoke of the fireworks, how mesmerizing was your smile. At that time, I thought, it’s over, I’ve fallen.]

“…” Tao Ran couldn’t continue reading, he turned his head sideways to prevent the tears from falling on the letter, so they fell to the floor, pattering down, forming little droplets of water.

[If I have to say one bad thing about you, after thinking about it over and over again, I think it is probably that you are too kind. You always think that if you treat people with sincerity, people will treat you with sincerity. But nowadays, the number of people who can do this are very few. I am always worried. Your parents are gone now. If you don’t have me by your side watching, what will you do if you trust someone you shouldn’t? Just thinking about you getting coaxed and tricked makes me feel as if my heart is being pricked by a needle. But these are all the you of the past. I believe that you must have become very strong and resourceful now. How old are you now? Thirty? Forty? Even fifty or sixty? …Surely you’ve reached the age of thirty, right? Otherwise Lao Yang and my parents are too weak. Alas… I really want to see what Tao Tao will look like all grown up. You must be very good-looking still, but now you have a mature charm, and you’ve become more manly, right?]

Tao Ran shook his head furiously while crying. Without Xu Ziyang, he was still the absent-minded idiot who procrastinated on everything, who was lazy, mean, and narrow-minded. He didn’t become a great man, but a decadent uncle that other people found disgusting.

[I guess you must be insulting yourself. You are always stupid like this, unable to see your own good points, alas, it’s really worrying. Now that I’m not there, are you eating regularly? Will you stay up all night playing games again? Is Mint okay, have you been feeding him properly? Don’t eat instant noodles and laoganma (chili crisp), even cooking frozen dumplings is fine. Promise me, your body is yours, so take good care of yourself, okay? I don’t want the pain I’ve been through to happen to you again. Get rid of your bad habits, be positive, don’t get caught up in old memories. After all, the sun will rise as usual and tomorrow is a new day. Alas, I have a thousand words I want to tell you, but after thinking about it, words of love are endless, so let’s stop here.]

“Wuuuuuuu…[4] don’t… don’t… Ziyang… Ziyang… wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…”

[I wish you happiness, prosperity and good health from now on. Ziyang[5]]

Tao Ran clutched the letter and buried his head in his knees, crying like a child.

“I hate you… Xu Ziyang… I hate you, I hate you! Wuu wuu wuuu wuuu… ah ah ah ah—“

“Don’t leave me… wuu wuu wuu…”

When they decided to say goodbye to each other completely, they both wished each other well in the future, graciously and generously.

Tao Ran wished Xu Ziyang a bright future and a long life.

Xu Ziyang wished Tao Ran happiness, longevity and good health.[6]

But without each other, how did Xu Ziyang live to be a hundred years old, and how could Tao Ran be happy and healthy?

It was a weekend several years ago.

They went to the supermarket in high spirits, bought a lot of ingredients, and then made a lot of delicious food. They ate until their bellies were round, then sprawled out on chairs under the sun.

Tao Ran said lazily, “Ah~ I don’t want to wash the dishes today.” Roughly 80% of the food was cooked by Xu Ziyang. Logically speaking, Tao Ran should wash the dishes.

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Xu Ziyang rubbed the tip of his nose, “I’ll wash them.”

“Don’t want to sweep the floor.”

“I’ll sweep it.”

“Don’t want to clean the toilet.”

“I’ll clean it.”

“Don’t want to…”

“—I’ll do it all for you.”

“Then what am I good for?”

“You’re responsible for saying you love me.”

“Xu Ziyang, I love you.”

Xu Ziyang looked at him and laughed. Then he kissed the corner of his lips.

“Mmm, me too.”

T/N: Haaaaa. Finally finished. When I translated this part:

Tao Ran couldn’t continue reading, he turned his head sideways to prevent the tears from falling on the letter, so they fell to the floor, pattering down, forming little droplets of water.

I was like, yeah… me too. Really cried a lot.

If you STILL haven’t cried enough, here are two other one-shots with tragic endings. I have no plans to translate either of them but you can get the gist of it from reading the MTL.

https://m.gongzicp.com/novel-144183.html

https://m.gongzicp.com/novel-484.html

[1] 遗书, a posthumous letter, sometimes a suicide note.

[2] 眼色 (lit: wink), I really don’t know what “no wink” means. Searched around but I still couldn’t figure out what the author meant in this context. If you know, please tell me in the comments.

[3] 奉阴违那, he uses an idiom which means acting obsequious on the surface and defying behind one’s back.

[4] Crying onomatopoeia.

[5] There is one more character after his name, “留” which means “remain, keep”. I searched around because I thought maybe this was typically used in posthumous letters as an ending formula, but I really couldn’t find any information about it. If you know what it means, please leave a comment and let me know!

[6] They both used set phrases for wishing people well.

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