Chapter 13: 13. Distractions

Thursday morning I hung out and helped Grace with a few more things, till about noon when it felt like we'd done everything there was to be done. Plus I got the feeling she was ready for some alone time in her new place, and I was ready to come home and chill with my girlfriends.

Grace offered to give me a lift but I declined. It was only like fifteen minutes on the bus and that way she didn't need to get dressed or whatever, she could just take it easy and stay home in her nightgown.

When I got in both Melissa and Susan were there to greet me, but Amber was at work. This was her last full week on summer hours, next week we'd all be focused on getting back into the student mindset and stuff. We also had another BBQ party coming up, to wrap up the summer.

For now though, I had another important task on my mind. I was determined that my demon mom and I were going to have a serious conversation. She was still acting uptight from whatever set her off yesterday morning, and I refused to let her put it off any longer.

I sat myself down in the recliner downstairs in the den, closed my eyes and stepped back inside. I gave Lily a hug, then I sat down on the leather sofa next to her and got comfortable.

My demon mom asked, "What was it you wanted to discuss Mara?"

Her tone was a little uneasy, like she could tell there was something serious on my mind. Maybe she already knew what I wanted to talk about, or maybe she could tell I wasn't going to let her get out of it this time.

"I want to know what's been bugging you Lily," I stated. I tried to sound firm and stuff, like I was being serious and all that. "It feels like for the past couple months you've been going through these phases where you're stressed or distracted or whatever? Like something's obviously bothering you. Then it gets better for a while, until it happens again."

Before she could protest I added, "And I know you keep telling me it's nothing, or it doesn't involve me or whatever? But if you're upset, it does involve me. I know you like to act like a big strong tough demon and all that, but I don't like to see you upset. Maybe I can help?"

Her cheeks got a little darker as I was talking, and she ended up looking down at a spot on the floor rather than face me. I wasn't sure which part of all that got her embarrassed, like the fact that I wanted to help her or the fact that I called her on her 'big tough demon' act.

After a few more seconds she sighed, "I'm sorry Mara. I don't suppose you'll drop the subject if I promise it's nothing and I'm handling it myself?"

"Nope," I shook my head. "You were uptight again when I woke up first thing yesterday morning, you're still uptight now. I want to help. And if I can't help with whatever it is, then maybe just talking about it will help you feel less stressed? Like sometimes just getting it off your chest will help."

My big blue demon mom's cheeks got even darker, and she was quiet again for another minute or so.

I finally said, "Ok Lily. If you seriously want me to stop bugging you about this, say so and I'll drop it. I don't want to make things worse. I just... I don't like to see you upset and stuff? I don't like seeing anybody dealing with stress and stuff on their own."

She sighed, and finally looked over at me with a sad smile on her face. "Thank you Mara. You know I've been around a very long time, it's... I'm not used to having people care about me and worry about me like you do. And it's... I'm not used to talking about difficult or troubling subjects with anyone."

"You remember I've told you several times that demons don't have friends?" she added.

I nodded, "I remember. I'm still going to act like a friend to you. Same with Melissa and Susan and Amber. We're all your friends Lily, as far as I'm concerned you're part of the DLP. Then there's the whole demon-mom thing too right? Like there's a dozen reasons why you're important to me and I care about you and want to help and stuff."

Lily gave me another sad smile, "I know Mara. What I was getting at is... Because demons don't have friends, we're not accustomed to relying on other people for help. We don't show weakness, we don't talk about anything that's troubling us. Telling another demon that something was upsetting me would make me appear weak, it might even put me at risk."

"Ok first that sounds really sucky," I frowned. "Second, I'm not a demon. Even if I'm like half demon, I'm not that kind of demon. And finally, what about Efranir? You and her were in love right? Didn't you two talk about stuff like this?"

Lily's expression grew dark and the look in her eyes became sad. She slowly shook her head, "Not really Mara. Perhaps if we'd had more time together we might have got that close? But I only had seven centuries with her, before Verothilas took her from us."

"I'm sorry Lily," I sighed as I wrapped my arms around her as best I could. "I didn't mean to get you down. I wanted to help you, not make you more upset."

My demon mom gently hugged me back, "It's ok Mara. I thought I was over it, it's been three millennia since she was killed. But finding out what happened last month..."

Her voice trailed off, and after a moment I asked "Do you want to talk about that? Like, what you found out from Verothilas?"

It took her a few more moments to respond. "I didn't look at those memories directly, I couldn't bear to see it happen. I learned the truth while I was confirming what you uncovered in your dreams, it was part of her memory of Armaros informing her of your death. He told her he destroyed you, and she thanked him. Then he asked her if she knew what really happened to Efranir."

Lily sighed, "Verothilas admitted she killed my lover herself. And Armaros did nothing, said nothing. And for another thousand years both of them pretended to be my allies. They destroyed the two most precious things in my life, then watched me mourn for a millennium while pretending to search for the killers."

I still had my arms around my demon mom and I held her as tight as I could as I whispered "Lily I'm so sorry. I know it's probably really hard for you to trust anyone after all that, but I'd never betray you. I really do want to help you ok?

"Thank you Mara," she replied softly.

We held each other for another minute or two before I finally asked, "So I know you're probably not in a talkative mood right now, but I'm going to ask again because I worry about you and I want to help. Will you tell me what's got you stressed again the last two days?"

Lily was quiet for another half minute or so. She took a deep breath, then let it out as a deep sigh.

She finally replied, "Very well Mara. Perhaps talking about this will help get my mind off the other subject. There's someone who keeps emailing me, a human. She knows who and what I am, and somehow I think she's decided we're friends. Or at least 'pen pals', I believe that's the term you used? And this person's emails occasionally cause me stress."

After a brief pause she added, "I'd rather not give you more details than that, because the whole situation was embarrassing and upsetting from the start. In the end I suppose I did a 'good deed' for this person, and it's been haunting me ever since. I'd just like to forget it happened, but she keeps writing me and acting like I'm her confidante and looking to me for advice."

For the next few seconds I stared at her in surprise, and there were a bunch of questions already swirling around in my head. Like what kind of good deed did she do? How did she meet some random human, and how'd they get Lily's email address. Was this person going to accidentally 'out' Lily or maybe get us in trouble somehow?

"Ok Lily," I finally responded. "You know I'm dying to know who she is and how you met her, but I won't ask since you don't want me to know. I guess I'm wondering, do you think she'll get us in trouble? Like will she out you to the world or something?"

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She grimaced, "Honestly, I don't think she will. I worry about that, but so far she's been very good about keeping those sorts of secrets."

"She did share some sensitive information with her therapist," she added. "Nothing about me, but some details about magic or miracles relating to her own situation and how she... It had to do with how I was involved with her, I suppose."

I felt like I was going to burst trying to hold back my questions. It sounded to me like maybe Lily was talking about helping another trans girl, but without involving me or the DLP or whatever. I might have been wrong, but talking about magic and miracles and a situation and how my demon mom was connected to this mystery person all added up to Lily helping someone in secret.

She looked and sounded embarrassed again though, so despite having a dozen questions practically on the tip of my tongue I held back. There was also an urge to tease her a bit too, just because she was acting so embarrassed and flustered and stuff, but I forced myself not to do that either. Like I knew that would just upset her more, and I didn't want to do that.

Instead I said, "All right Lily. I don't want to make you feel more uncomfortable. I'm glad the situation isn't that bad after all, and I appreciate you telling me this stuff. You can probably tell I have a bunch more questions, but I'll hold off on that stuff. Maybe at some point you'll fill me in on the rest of it?"

"Maybe," she replied quietly. With a weak smile she added, "No promises."

I couldn't help it, I giggled as she used one of my lines against me. Then I wrapped my arms around her waist and gave her a hug.

Lily gently hugged me back with one of her large arms, and asked "Was that all Mara? Or did you want to talk about anything else?"

We hugged for a few more seconds before I let go and replied, "Actually there's something else. Did something change with how you feed? Or did something change with me? Because I can't remember the last time I had that energy thing that killed my appetite. Like how after the solstice I'd skip meals for a couple days whenever you fed? Except that stopped happening at some point, right?"

My demon mom grimaced slightly, "I suppose I should have spoken with you about this some time ago Mara. Sorry for keeping it to myself. You haven't been absorbing excess energy as a byproduct of me consuming souls, because I've stopped doing that. I haven't fed on a human soul since the end of May."

I found myself staring up at her with wide eyes. It took me a few seconds to figure out how to even respond.

"Is something wrong?" I finally asked. "Like this time last year you were feeding every two or three weeks, then in February or March it was every ten days or so. What happened that you had to stop? And are you ok? I remember when you were helping Amber you got kind of weak and needed more energy..."

She shook her head, "I'm fine Mara. This is why I've been drawing energy from Verothilas' brooch, even though we aren't still working on the tattoo anymore. I'm staying strong and gaining energy from my enemy, rather than from human lives."

"And don't forget," she added, "I still receive energy from Melissa, Susan, Amber, and now Grace as well."

I frowned slightly as I thought all that through. It was a shock, like her whole thing was feeding on human souls by having sex with them. That was the big deal she had to tell me about before we signed our pact. And it was a big deal for me as well, after the solstice and the stuff she said at the cottage.

"You told me I couldn't become a full demon because you didn't want me feeding on humans," I said as I looked up at her again. "And you said I wouldn't be able to avoid it, that it would be my nature. You said we couldn't escape our nature or whatever."

Lily's cheeks got darker again as she blushed, "I may have been mistaken about that Mara. At the time I thought it was true, but I've been able to fight that nature so far. Though I must be clear, I've only been successful because I'm receiving energy every month from Verothilas, as well as your girlfriends."

I was quiet again for a few seconds before my next question came to me.

"So what made you change?" I asked. "Like this is a really big change for you right? Did something happen to make you want to completely go against your nature?"

My demon mom looked even more embarrassed, and her eyes drifted down till she was staring at the floor again rather than face me.

She replied quietly, "I'd rather not go into details Mara. Suffice to say, I had a... I made some mistakes with a meal and the experience left a bad taste in my mouth. It also led me to reconsider what I was doing, and reminded me of my progeny and how she refused to harm or kill humans to feed herself."

"Wow," I said quietly. "I'm super curious what happened that made you want to stop feeding on humans..."

My words trailed off for a moment as I made a connection, and I asked "Does this have something to do with your pen pal? Or is it just a coincidence? Because if I remember right, you started getting uptight about emails around then, right? Like around the time you said your last meal was?"

Lily gave me a brief look and a weak smile, "Sometimes Mara, your ability to make connections between seemingly random and disparate details amazes me. Those two events did not in fact happen at the same time, but nonetheless you're correct. They are connected."

She hesitated briefly, then sighed. "I'm still reluctant to discuss the details though, so please don't ask me for anything further. On either subject, if you don't mind?"

I watched her for a few seconds then nodded "Ok Lily. I won't ask about that stuff, but now I have to ask about something else. If you can fight your nature like that, and your daughter didn't kill humans either, then why are you still against me becoming a full demon too? Like maybe you're wrong, maybe I won't have to kill people or whatever?"

My demon mom grimaced slightly, "I don't know Mara. Perhaps you're right, but I'm loath to take the chance. I don't want you to lose your innocence. We can find other ways for you to get wings or experience flying again."

Before I could respond she added, "For now let's forget about these distractions and just focus on the tasks we have at hand? You and your girlfriends are returning to school soon, and you're all still working to find Armaros' true name. All right?"

"Ok Lily," I nodded as I gave her another tight hug. "I'll stop bugging you about that stuff again. For now. But I'm not going to give up or forget about it."

She hugged me back, "I understand Mara."

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