Chapter 39: 39

[Yamamoto's POV]

 

I knew he was a little different from his usual self when he complimented me on my outfit. 

 

I might as well have said that. This buoyant feeling, this sense of not being able to resist his pull. And - I feel like I'm about to break out of my own shell. 

 

It's true that I took a big step forward today. As a talent belonging to Kanako's office, I will begin full-fledged activities tomorrow. 

 

It's no exaggeration to say that until now I have been unemployed. The only job I can say I had was being used as a poster for his company. I had no other income other than that, so this timing was probably just barely enough for the time being. 

 

The first thing I did was to take lessons to wake up my slow body. I heard that she knows a good trainer, so I'm going to take care of it. So, as she said, physically speaking, the chances of seeing him would be reduced. 

 

So I wasn't going to deny it. Like him, I knew in my head that it was inevitable. 

 

-- However, I wasn't going to deny it. My heart wouldn't allow it. 

 

"Don't tell me you won't see me again." 

 

It was still my true intention. But if I told him now, he would probably twist my head around and think about it again. 

 

Knowing that, I felt terribly sorry. At the same time, the regret for the words that overflowed into my heart raged through my chest. 

 

It's painful. But I am sure it's the same for him. It's only selfishness of me to hope so. 

 

"I can't tell you. I can't say that." 

 

Really? -that's the only word I could say, but I was afraid to ask the question. I made the decision to return to show business, but then he leaves me again. I know it's a personal issue, but I really feel swept away by his feelings and presence. 

 

"--What the heck!" 

 

When I looked at his profile, I felt so much pain. He takes my words to heart and looks very serious. He was desperately trying to hide his embarrassment, and it was a little cute. I wanted to make fun of him. 

 

"Are you lying?" 

 

But - he made fun of me. I was going to show a miffed expression, but my eyes collided with his and I lost all such leeway. 

 

"......Uh, I'm not lying." 

 

"You shouldn't make fun of adults." 

 

I'm an adult too. But he says it proudly. Just because he is five years older than me. He didn't tell me that I have childish features, too. I didn't want to play the weasel game. 

 

The smell of cigarettes permeated the store. I remembered what Kanako told me before. She told me to wear clothes that wouldn't stain the smell of cigarettes. 

 

Those words had slipped my mind until just now. I came in front of him, dressed up in my best clothes. It wasn't like I was going to say goodbye to him, but I was dressed up like this. 

 

He complimented me on it. It was only one word, but it sits proudly in my heart. 

 

"But, well, yeah." 

 

Talking to myself. Even though it's not when he hears me. He doesn't understand that. I'm sure I wouldn't be convinced even if he was convinced on his own. So you go ahead like that, alone. 

 

"What's wrong?" 

 

He was dismayed, as if he hadn't expected a chase. Visibly and plainly. 

 

"It's nothing." 

 

"Liar." 

 

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that's what he was going to say, so I responded with a bit of a bite. Then he looked me in the eye, a little miffed. I was the one who wanted to do that. 

 

"Why are you so judgmental?" 

 

"You don't?" 

 

"No, of course not." 

 

"Hmm......." 

 

I was so pissed off at his shirking that I decided to try to push him into an exchange. I dared him to look away. Don't look into my heart. 

 

"You can't smoke while you're with me." 

 

"......Why?" 

 

"If you admit that what you just said is a lie, then you can smoke." 

 

"Yeah......." 

 

That reaction is as good as an admission that it's a lie. I don't know if it's just this person, but if someone told me not to smoke, I'd probably want to smoke. 

 

"I tried not to smoke in front of you in the first place." 

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"Why?" 

 

"I wonder. This feeling." 

 

Fufu. A phrase that leaves me bewildered. 

 

Besides, he told me that day not to hesitate. I wasn't averse to the smell of cigarettes compared to other women in the world, so it was a kindness that I didn't need. 

 

"--I think it's best if we don't see each other for a while." 

 

His voice stung me directly. 

 

It was just in time for the background music to switch, and the voice was more than enough to cut through the silence. 

 

I said "liar" or something like that, he must have. When was the last time I was so pissed off at myself for being one word too many? 

 

"I don't want to see you hurt. It's totally selfish of me." 

 

"......Heh. I see." 

 

He is probably, or rather, definitely being kind. In the course of my activities, my own existence becomes a fetter. I'm sure everyone, not just Araki, felt that way. So I couldn't blame him. 

 

But - there was a part of me that couldn't feel that he was being kind to me. 

 

I don't even know if he meant it or not. Wasn't it just a stopgap measure? If so, why didn't he tell me how he felt? 

 

It's all because I'm going back to show business. 

 

Because of that, he always took a step or two back and looked at me. Maybe that's where I felt pure loneliness. That kind of loneliness that I don't know myself, that I don't know where to look and shout. 

 

"Hey." 

 

I wonder what I look like now. I'm shaking very, very much inside, and I know it's spilling over into my voice. 

 

I didn't want to cry in front of him, so I grit my teeth desperately. I did my best to dam up the dam of tears that would soon burst at the slightest touch. 

 

"If I hadn't gone back into show business, would you have met me?" 

 

If this was going to happen, I shouldn't have left any unfinished business behind. I should have run through the cherry romance until I was sick of it. 

 

Then, I wouldn't have had to see him. I wouldn't have had to go through all this pain. 

 

"--I never met you." 

 

My heart is crumbling. Heart. Emotions. Everything. 

 

It hurts so much, I can't think anymore. But there is only one thing I can do now. 

 

"...............Idiot." 

 

I said in a trembling voice. But he didn't say anything. Or maybe he couldn't say anything. Because I know exactly how Araki feels. That's why - it was painful to be here. 

 

"Gosh, I'm sorry. I remembered something urgent......." 

 

"Hey, Yamamoto-san!" 

 

I didn't want him to see my face like this. So, I ran out with my bag on my body. Into the cold air. As if I was going to throw my body into the air. 

 

The smell of cigarettes clung to my body. The dry air was contributing to the smell. As I ran out of the store, I thought I heard his voice, but I didn't stop. 

 

It wasn't until I was some distance away from the coffee shop that I became a little calmer. The place I had come to without thinking, through the crowds of people. 

 

If I wanted him stop me, I would have asked him to come after me. I hate myself for only being able to think in such a disgusting way. 

 

It was the first time in my life that I ran out of a store like that. I often see such scenes in dramas and novels. But I had never really thought about it. But my thoughts disappear into the winter sky as I realize that people really do run away from things. 

 

'...........Oh, coat......' 

 

No wonder I felt cold. In just a knit sweater, I can't help but freeze. I don't mind the way people look at me, but I'm sure from a bird's eye view, I'm floating in the hustle and bustle of the city. 

 

I can't go back to get it. I ran away before I could even eat the curry. That restaurant was my favorite. I can't go there anymore. 

 

".........Snow" 

 

It's disappearing. Everything. 

 

I hate, hate, hate myself for trying to understand him as an unavoidable sacrifice. 

 

I desperately want to deny it, but my greed comes out of my head to the point that I can't help it. My desire to shine on that stage. I don't want to weigh it against the scales, but I just can't help it. 

 

When I realized that this is love, nothing more.

 

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