Chapter 1: 1—The Birds and the Bees and the Boners [2.0]

Whoosh shwish fwaaa

The air sung and swirled around me was it was cut over and over. I was currently doing my daily repetitions with my compressed orichalcum sword to vent my anger, swinging it to let out my frustration over the events that had taken place that morning, my teeth clenched, brow furrowed. 

My eldest brother, as always, had lied to my father, blaming me for something that wasn't my fault, and father didn’t give me any way to defend myself against the accusations, and then punished me to clean all the floors in the mansion, making me do what would take five maids several hours all by myself.

’I’d never push my own brother down the stairs, even if he’s a hateful guy! Father should know that, so why did he believe his lies and punish me!? Shit… I did yell at him a little when we were going down the stairs, but he’d provoked me! And he fell down all by himself! Aaarggg…’

Shish! Slash!

Thankfully, I was faster than the average person by quite a lot, so I finished the task rather quickly (if you could count spending a whole day from dawn to dusk quickly), but it sure was hard not to lash out with my two damn elder brothers yapping on about how useless or stupid I was, or how I should just go die, while I was miserably kneeling on the floor with a filthy, soggy cloth in my hands.

Whoosh…

'Damn. I mean, I'm pretty much used to it at this point, and I know I’m not very smart, but I just wish I could do something about it. I'm stronger than them, but I know that, if I ever touched them, my punishment would be much, much worse.'

After 150 swings, I was panting, my forehead was drenched in sweat and my whole body glistened with perspiration. As I wasn’t wearing a shirt, my chiselled abs and domineering, tanned pecs were in full display, along with my defined back, shoulders and arms. 

Not that I'd ever take the time to describe them like that. It was just my body, after all. I didn’t really look at it that much.

After calming down a bit, I closed my eyes and began chanting under my breath, focusing my mind to its limits to convey my ‘will’, and after about a minute used the Rinse spell—the only one I knew—to clean the sweat away, grimacing at how using such a low-level spell for such a small thing had taken more than half my mana. It wasn’t that I had a specially small pool or anything, in fact it was fairly above average, it was just that my affinity with the element was so low that the mana efficiency was just abysmal.

Water wasn’t even my second element, which would make me a dual elemental genius even if the affinity was basically zero, it was my first and only affinity. It was hard for commoners to be able to use magic at all, but in the nobility, especially the high-ranking ones such as my ducal house, who all hailed from powerful bloodlines and inherited their predecessors' talent, mine was at the very bottom of the barrel.

As it was getting late, I decided to call it a day and returned to my chamber, putting on my nightwear by myself. Frustratingly, I was the only person in the family without a troupe of maids at my beck and call. In fact, I didn’t even have a single one.

'Well, I know the reason.'

My family had produced the most trusted knights of the royal family for generations, ever since it only controlled a small mountainside vassal state. Once it became a fully fledged kingdom they gave us Bloodharts the highest nobility rank of dukedom, but ever since then, for almost two centuries, we had stopped producing genius swordsmen, making us slowly decline in power in comparison to the other three dukedoms, who had a vast economical, martial or magical superiority.

But, a few years ago, it was found out that my talent for the sword was just as great, if not greater, than the ancestors, so they became jealous of me.

'They won’t even give me a maid...'

As my thoughts drifted onto the lascivious curves and lumps of my brothers’ maids, for some reason, I felt my pants getting tight. I pulled them down to see what was wrong, and a nightmarish creature suddenly flung up and out of them. 

It was a long rod, almost twice as long as the distance between my wrist and the tip of my fingers, and pulsing with squiggly, purple channels running through it. I was starting to get lightheaded, and as I tried to see where my penis had gone, I came to a horrific realization. 

I paled.

The... thing seemed to have eaten my penis whole, and it was probably aiming to bore straight into my insides.

It didn't really hurt, but I didn't have the mental capacity to register that.

I passed out on the spot.

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Then, I started dreaming.

I dreamed for what seemed like months, years, decades. I transformed from a baby who became a child, a student, and then a young adult on his first job. I was in a fundamentally different world, with no magic and impossibly tall castles of glass and metal, of impossible vehicles that somehow powered themselves with no mana. But, slowly, I began to understand everything about the person in the dream. And, as my consciousness merged with his, we became one.

Then he (I?) tried to tackle a robber who was threatening a woman with a knife, but failed miserably, getting stabbed in the gut. Both the victim and the robber ran away, and I died of blood loss before an ambulance could arrive.

I woke up, and everything felt... weird. I was Raynold Bloodhart, the third son of a dukedom who is despised by his family and fainted due to seeing his own erect dick for the first time, but also Peter Clerk, the virgin graduate in psychology who died at the age of 22 and whose first and only job was at a fast-food chain.

'Holy fuck.'

I clutched my head. Everything was spinning, as I slowly and painfully ran through all the events in this life from a new perspective.

'I read some reincarnation stories back on Earth, but I never though it would be so...trippy. Damn. Am I really… in another world? I… might not have had any family left back in Earth, but there were still so many things I wanted to do… I didn’t even get to say goodbye to my friends.,, shit…’

plit plat

Droplets of water hit the ground below me, coming from my eyes. They turned into a stream, as my sobbing intensified. The fact that I’d died so easily, that I could never go back anymore, hit me like a truck, the irony of which was lost on me, and added to the confusion of having become someone different to who I used to be, it was all too much to bear.

I kept going through my memories while having an identity crisis for several hours. It wasn’t easy to calm down, but once I did, I’d reached several conclusions.

'Okay so firstly, for some reason, basically all of my common sense is from the earthling part of me, including my sense of beauty. This is important because, obviously, slender maidens with fair features are the best, naturally. Now, there are many kinds of beauty, and I'm a big fan of many of them, including curvaceous women, but that's not what this is about. The people of this world are just attracted to mass, or, in other words... they like fatness.'

That's right. For some reason, in this world bigger meant better, and I was talking women here. In fact, my first erection in this world had occurred when thinking of my brother’s pig-like maids… ew. Also, big facial features such as overly puffy lips, bloated cheeks, double chins, and big noses or ears were considered pretty. Even warts were thought to be attractive!

'Gross.'

Fortunately, their sense of beauty for men seemed to be more... normal, given that they liked big, defined muscles and clean, crisp facial features. Luckily enough, I excelled in both.

In fact, my face looked like the typical pretty boy capture target of an otome game, a type of game which I had never even played, but read plenty of manga about.

'I swear, there were probably twice as many asian comics on otome games than there were actual otome games.'

Going back on topic, my dark blue eyes had a sharp glint despite my past self not having been the sharpest tool in the shed, and they were outlined by equally crisp, slim eyebrows; my nose was thin and pretty, its surface completely smooth, and my mouth small and unintrusive, with juicy yet thin lips. 

My hair was also, incredibly enough, light blue, which matched my deep blue eyes. My skin was slightly toned, but amazingly smooth, almost inhumanly so, with pretty much zero blemishes. I knew it had to do with how I trained my body past its limits and surpassed the shackles of the human body, expelling most of its impurities in the process, something I'd managed a couple of years back. Yeah, in terms of talent, I was really something else.

'Also, fuck I’m pretty. Wait, am I turning gay? Is this selfcest? Oh well, whatever.'

Between the original Raynold fainting and my several hours-long identity crisis, the whole night had passed, the sun now shining in the sky, so I decided to get some breakfast for the moment. 'It’s good that my family doesn’t expect any mannerisms from me, such as arriving on time for meals and the like. Makes my life easier.'

I thought about my goals for the future, now that my (our?) life had undergone such a drastic change, as I ate a self-made breakfast in the kitchen, ignoring the staff’s dirty looks.

'I should improve my swordsmanship as much as possible, but that’s a long-time goal. Hmmm…’ Just then, I remembered one of the last of the original Raynold’s thoughts, and his last wish, and decided to honour it. ‘For now, I gotta get a maid.'

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