Chapter 263: 263 Lonely Loner

Chapter 263 Lonely Loner

Kairos wasn't claustrophobic, but with what consciousness he had, there was an incredibly pressing feeling that felt crushing. To even remain conscious was difficult. However, there was a fear that he felt that if he stopped staying conscious he would disappear permanently.

It wasn't something he actually had knowledge of, but some kind of feeling and one that he didn't have to question.

When he was still a child, he was for sure extraverted. After all, he would go around talking to people he had never met before with a smile on his face. Talking to people would only make him even more energetic until it eventually became far too late and there were hardly any people on the streets anymore.

Though now, it felt like the opposite, as though he was actually an introvert, unable to find a reason to even step out of his room if it wasn't for something else forcing him to. He wondered why this was the case, and why he never questioned it.

However, after just a few moments he got an inkling.

Most of the time when he did try to make friends, it did not last long. Whether it was because he was young or some other reason, it was simply too hard for him to actually form relationships that lasted more than a few minutes with anyone.

And even the few times when he did, almost all of them fell off sooner or later.

There was a part of him that no longer wanted to think these thoughts, but he simply ignored that and continued, despite the uncomfortable feeling that was like he was trying to move through sludge.

Though from a vision he had seen a while ago with Tori, perhaps not all of those burnt bridges were voluntary. The very few ones that actually lasted were the ones he made with Nicole and Edward. Or at least, ones that lasted longer.

But since they were longer, Kairos had the assumption that they would last forever.

Though that failed assumption was far from the end of the world, especially considering the amount of burnt bridges that he had across his life, as small as they were. The time that they were together might've made that friendship matter more to him.

And yet, he didn't even try to piece it together, despite what it meant.

Kairos realized how little logical sense that made. Why did he not even begin or even think to try to repair it?

The memories he carved out were painful, but he could also feel the place he had in his mind was growing firmer. It wasn't as easy for him to be overwhelmed by his other part, though he was definitely still at a disadvantage.

There was still something more that he wasn't getting at. Something that he needed to understand about himself before it was too late. He had only gotten the tiniest of hints towards it, only scratching the surface.

But it was still far better than where he was originally, fumbling about without a single clue.

A few other unrelated thoughts had filled his mind as well, such as what Azami was doing, the person who encouraged him to start thinking about himself in the first place. That thought made him remember what she had told him.

That he also needed to think about his parents.

A really unpleasant feeling surged through him just from that one thought, similar to the feeling of wanting to throw up, but without the actual urge itself. He really didn't want to think about it. The thing he had been ignoring for quite a while, even more than his friends.

Despite his situation, he still really did not wish to. Perhaps if his life wasn't on the line, he would've just discarded it anyway and continued to ignore it. However, it obviously wasn't so simple now.

While still reluctant, he decided to try and look at his parents more objectively.

There wasn't anything in particular that was wrong with them, he was pretty confident about that. After all, he had heard many stories of truly terrible parents, ones that would physically or verbally abuse them. Some would starve the child to death. Then there were the ones that would simply abandon the child in the middle of nowhere.

And perhaps some of the most horrifying to him were the ones that sexually abused their child.

His parents were none of those things. They didn't abuse him. They didn't starve him. And he obviously wasn't abandoned in the middle of nowhere. As for the last one, the closest thing would be forgetting to close the door while they were doing the "act".

Though something he was fairly aware of was that while they didn't do anything to him in particular, it was also true they hadn't exactly done many things either.

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Even after all this time, the two of them still had a very close relationship. That much was clear when his mother still went to retrieve his father despite becoming a monster. As for him, he was completely ignored, just like the others in his party.

While it might've been a terrible thing for him to come along, he still couldn't help but wonder how it would've been if he had.

That was something he wondered about an awful lot. The explanation he was given was that they didn't have the money to bring him along on their vacations. However, there was a part of him that was fairly sure that they simply didn't want him to be there with them, as it would make it a bit more awkward.

Despite being married and having a child, they were still just like teenagers in their honeymoon phase.

Kairos didn't hate them for that or anything. However, it did really feel like they weren't the kind of people that should have a child. They hardly have enough time for each other with how close they are, much less for anybody else.

Including him.

For a moment, his thoughts suddenly dulled, becoming nothing. Though he quickly came back to consciousness. On the outside, his body began howling at the air, attempting to discharge the negative feelings within him.

When Kairos did come back to his senses, as much as he could, a rather obvious truth was finally placed in front of him.

He was lonely.

Incredibly lonely.

To the point that he was willing to travel with random people, so long as they would let him come along. Kairos was desperate for companionship to the point that it changed many of the actions he would normally do, diverging from his normal logical thinking.

Simply acknowledging that fact made him feel incredibly awful. It made him want to scream, which he did end up doing though, though not to his knowledge. Despite the fact he felt terrible, his thoughts had become clearer, as he took a sizable chunk of his mind back.

While Kairos himself had no idea, he had reclaimed enough to be in control of roughly a third of his mind. However, none of those were involved in directly controlling the body. He was able to very faintly sense the things on the outside.

lightsnοvεl The sensations of his movements had come back to him, along with the occasional sound, though it was incredibly vague and sounded like it came from very far away.

However, those facts were not what he paid attention to. Acknowledging how lonely he always felt made him see many memories in a new light. In particular, the one where he was simply laying down doing nothing.

Despite the peaceful look he had, the discomfort in his body was essentially screaming out desperately, asking him to do something. Asking him to do anything. And yet, he could only remain there, doing nothing at all.

Kairos could feel himself growing insane every second he spent just laying there doing nothing. The contradictory nature of wanting something to happen, to talk to someone.

And being unable to bring himself to do it.

It was an incredibly slow process that molded him. One that changed him very slowly, to the point that was hardly distinguishable between. However, over the course of his life, somehow his entire personality appeared to reverse.

After realizing all of this, Kairos suddenly found himself at a stop. He opened up his head and dug out whatever he could find within. And it did help him considerably. However, this time he truly had no idea what else he could possibly do to help control himself.

As horrible as it felt to unveil the things he had been hiding, it was also freeing.n-/o--v)/e/-1))b-)1(/n

But that itself wasn't enough.

Unfortunately, the only advice Azami had given him was to understand himself better. But now, he was fairly confident that he had done that. At least, to a realistic degree. He didn't know the exact number of hair follicles he had, but he doubted finding out would actually help him.

He was back right where he was at the beginning, doing nothing and slowly losing his sanity. Except this time, there truly was nothing for him to do.

But right when hopelessness had begun to settle, he heard a faint bark in the distance.

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