Chapter 21: Rachel’s memory outburst!

When I got back to the classroom, I was attacked with a piece of mind-boggling news. Almost immediately, my already unstable mental state decreased even worse.

Laura confessed her feelings to C while I was gone.

She. Did. It. First.

At the same time as I was forced to have lunch by the system, Laura advanced.

The audacity of the class representative...

And he accepted it.

Knowing that, my whole body grew stiff as a stone right then and there. If not for the system pushing me forward, I would have stood dead still at the doorway like a statue.

In the middle of my chest, there was a bursting sensation.

Pain.

Burning, tearing pain.

Why? How come there was pain?

Where did that ache come from? Did I get some kind of disease I did not know about? Was there something that C did not know also? A medical condition, perhaps?

[...Too docile, as a matter of fact.]

My eyes glanced at C, who was thinking of me. I was not being docile, C.

I just did not know what to do in this situation.

[ Look away, C! Act like you do not care!...] His eyes darted forward the moment they met mine.

Once again, I felt a part of me being ripped apart.

No...please...do not look away...

I needed you.

Huh!? Wait a minute?!

What was I doing? Thinking like that?!! What was wrong with me!!

Most importantly, why was my misery directed at that faceless person? Why not Han, but for him?!

Han was a more suitable choice, was it not? He was good-looking, lived next to me, and shared everything together with me. He was supposed to be with me, right? Everything that was forced unto me was only for that purpose. Everything,...including the memories of us...

All those memories of us being side by side...

Fake, fabricated memories...

It felt real...so real in my head...

Then why was my heart feeling so painful for hearing about C's confession?

When I thought of C, my vision became blurry. Not just that, it resonated with something in my head.

Why do I have a bunch of fog next to the memories of Han? What was the reason for this mist of something clouding up more than half of my mind?!

Questions upon questions piled up. The whats, the whys, the whos kept accumulating with no signs of stopping.

Unfortunately, none could answer them for me.

Instantly, blackened rage and unequal sadness consumed me from the depth within my being. Inside the chest, my heart kept beating harder and faster than ever. Even with Han, my heart had never lost its control like that. 

It was such intense wrath that I never knew I could have.

With that bad news, I was expecting to have no strength. Contrary to my belief, the power swelling through my bloodstream because of my anger was incomprehensible.

The state of despair was no longer apparent since I had another goal. Clenching my fists tightly, I regained my posture thanks to the boiling blood running through me. That surge of energy was so drastic I felt I could crack the neck of Laura like snapping a twig.

Yes, I wanted to destroy Laura. I wanted to see that bitch bleed through her entire body. The color of red would match her brown hair and eyes, would it not?

Why would I want to do that was not in my mind.

Carnage.

I craved carnage.

Still, it would be so simple since I was already at the entrance. Laura was sitting in the front row of the class, so my job was already done by a half. All I needed was to come close to the class rep, extend my arms and strangle her until that whore's eyes turned white.

Or perhaps I could do one even better. C did say something about me forcing Laura to eat her own paper-knife, did he not? What if I do that at that instance? No need to wait until she had sex with Han, right? There was no way she would be having sex with my childhood friend. She had already confessed her feelings to C. I could just end her disgusting life just like what C wanted.

However, there was no explanation for that. I simply did not understand why I was so desperate for someone who had almost no relation to me. Still, it was extreme.

After hearing his thoughts about the confession, I sank to the bottom.

I am despicable. I really am.

Despite having a loved one inside my head, I kept thinking about someone else. How shameful could a person possibly become? How more disgusting could I be?

And yet, I could not help it. Because of the split personalities inside of me, I could not control my emotions.

All this morning, I was paying more attention to C than to my childhood friend, whom I was supposed to adore with my entire being. Rather than giving Han all of my undivided feelings, I split them in half.

My body was clearly divided into two parts. My head was always thinking about Han, but my chest felt warm just by looking at C for some unknown reason.

There was no mistake that the love for Han I was experiencing was forced. Nonetheless, it existed.

Then what about the feelings I had for C?

Urk!

I wanted to clutch my heart, but I could not.

Why her?!

Why her...

Why not me?!

Why was it always her instead of me?!?

You should have paid attention to me first!

Suddenly, everything in front of me changed.

I was not sitting in the class anymore but standing in front of C in the storeroom.

"Why do you stand in my way?" I asked him. My voice was colder than ice.

To be more precise, my lips moved on their own. I was only observing the scene.

"Don't go in there if you don't want to get hurt." C blocked the whole door with his entire body.

A knife appeared in my hand, and I placed it on his neck. It was so sharp just a slight touch caused C to bleed already.

"Out!"

"No."

*Chik*

My knife plunged deep into his carotid artery with no hesitation. However, despite the gurgles, he did not fight back. C's featureless face got more pale as he slowly sat down.

He was ready for death.

He was ready to die for her.

The scene changed for the second time. And this time, it was at the school gate. Strangely, there were just C and me.

"Listen to me, Rachel. What you are feeling right now is forced! These emotions are not coming from your heart! If you want freedom, you need to break it! Han is not really your childhood friend! He is not even human!"

Irritated, I shouted at him.

"Ridiculous! I did not go out here just to hear crap from you! Do NOT disrespect Han like that!!"

Right after that, I stormed back into the school.

"You are planning to drug him tonight!"

*Whoosh*

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I turned my head back.

"How did you know that?!" There was a sense of disbelief in my voice. Well, "my" voice.

C continued despite my abnormal state.

"I also know that you will give your virginity to him."

"Impossible!" My hands clenched tightly, and my face twisted into a deformed shape that I could not see. 'Rachel' would have probably driven it into his chest if a weapon was available.

"Trust me, Rachel, I know more about you than you think."

*Gu* *Bang*

"Argh!" C groaned out from the pain.

'Rachel' charged at C, slamming his head against the metal gate behind him. A loud banging could be heard, and I could see the blood running down C's shirt.

"Are you some kind of stalker? You were wrong to surrender yourself like this." I asked. "I could have you arrested right now!"

But C did not answer the question given to him.

"You like orange chicken." Keeping his voice as calm as possible, C started to talk about me, Rachel.

"Big deal! Any stalker could have done something like that!" I scoffed.

He continued his monologue as if stating truths. "You like to have a tidy room."

"Who doesn't you damn stalker!? Now answer me!"

"If it was a stressful day, you would use the bath for at least an hour. And you take at least three showers a day. You secretly want to watch the drama on TV, but Han prefers anime, so you do that with him. Cakes and sweets are never your favorite. But you have to eat them because Han likes them so much. Every morning, you have to do about 5km to keep yourself in shape."

"..." The grip on my hand tightened.

"You know deep down Han does not love you. He has never shown you anything other than a friend, and you doubted his love. You would be correct, Rachel. Han never did. He never will. That is in his nature. He was programmed to be like that."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

*BAM*

Once again, 'I' slammed his head on the metal gate. Only this time, I did it with much more force. Behind C, the metal was drastically bent.

"Which...is why...you wanted to drug him like that..." Classmate C tried his best to maintain his stance. Still, he was about to lose consciousness because of the damage.

"You're lying to me!!!"

*Bam bam bam*

C took all of the beatings on himself and never resisted. As 'I' continued to bash his head against the metal, blood had already sprayed everywhere.

Stop. Please...

Stop this madness...

"You...like to have 2 kids. The future...home for your family...must have...a garden with white flowers. You aspire to become a housewife...but your dream has...always been...a chef..."

"WHO TOLD YOU THESE THINGS?!?"

*Slap*

The other me was filled with rage. But the current me was filled with warmth and shame.

Because I had never told anyone else other than Han those things. Yet he never really cared to remember. That childhood friend of mine only knew the things he wanted to. He did not even care for our promise in the past.

Not that it mattered anymore.

All that time, I was putting a target on someone who would ditch me the moment he saw someone else.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!? STATE YOUR GOAL!!" I screamed at C, who was struggling to stand still. His entire body was shaking at this point.

"I...I...you won't believe...me..." He had no face, but I felt the bitterness in his words.

"GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT BEFORE I END YOUR PATHETIC LIFE!!"

"I want...you...to be free."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!"

"I want...a companion..." After that, C's body grew limp as he slumped down.

He died by my hands for the second time.

Third, fourth, fifth...

I saw C's trying to help me realize I was in a game. Not once did it work.

Because I did not listen to him, I let myself be vulnerable.

Han cheated on me.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Before that, C would appear to stop me from going overboard with the drug.

It almost always ended in his death.

Yet he kept trying.

I asked myself: Why would you try so hard?

In one of the iterations, he answered me out of pure coincidence while talking to another me.

"I have not felt the warmth of being in love. However, I have seen you girls cry and suffer because of one guy. You will not stop hurting and killing one another if you are still tied to this wretched game. For one, I would like to see you have a free will of your own, just like mine.

The tragedy is already too much for me to handle. I wish I could see you have a good ending just this time.

My purpose is questionable and hard to achieve. This should be the nightmare difficulty of the game, even.

I don't know whether or not this would work.

I could only try...

Be free, Rachel. Be free."

Sacrificing his own life, C tried a hundred, then a thousand, then I lost count.

He did them all with just one purpose, free will.

I was taken back to the classroom with tears on my face.

To my right and at the far side of the class, there was C. The guy was still fixing his gaze forward.

Very quickly, I wiped my face off. I was not letting C see what had been going on with me. If he decided to suicide, I might have my memories erased.

He succeeded.

This time, I had free will.

The first thing I needed to do was to get rid of Laura.

As I turned my eyes at the class rep, I saw her looking back at me. Laura must have paid attention to me from the moment I entered. To be honest, it made sense.

I was behaving weird, anyway. And C's thoughts were probably known to her as well.

Her eyes were showing signs of threat to me.

Somehow, she knew.

I smiled.

She smiled.

Only one of us could come out of this alive.

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