Chapter 83: Grab her hands

Soon after Rachel's kiss, I finally go back down to Earth. And I will not lie. It made a tremendous impact on my psychological status at the time. Seconds ago, I was still being pulled down by a ton of guilt for making a mess of Kurokawa. As if it was made from the densest metal known to man, I lost control of my body entirely, no way of pulling myself up because of that unimaginable weight.

And right now, even though my guts still hurt deeply because of my conscience, at least I can lift my head a little and look these girls in the eyes. With a quick glance, anyone can see that Laura and Rachel try to make me feel at ease by giving me the most gentle smiles of theirs. Yet, I have no doubt that they were worried about me.

Probably still, too.

I do not know how she thought of doing something like that out in the open like this, but she did it.

It worked. My brain got reset, thanks to Rachel.

For that reason, I must say Blondie is indeed a godsend. Without her, things probably would take a long time before I could return to normal. No one would understand the burden of bringing sadness to someone else unless they experience it themselves. That immense amount of guilt is unbearable and suffocating, able to destroy one's mind to mush.

Even if Kurokawa did not blame me, the fault stays. The fact that I am responsible for all of Kurokawa's pain makes my chest ache so much... But at least it has been subsidized by a lot already.

Honestly, I have no idea how low I would be if left unattended. Just moments ago, I nearly had a heart attack for not seeing the two girls, and now this. It is concrete proof of the insecurity I harbor.

No matter how hard I try to ignore such a thing, it still delves and lingers deep inside the chest, clutching the vessels and arteries to me feel the utmost pain whenever possible. Without consideration of its owner, it tries to tear down the walls created to protect me using its hideous claws and fangs.

Boy, oh boy, can it bite.

Of course, by saying that, I am not trying to belittle Laura in any way since she went out of her way to cheer me up. The situation called for the total collapse of my thinking entirely, which Rachel managed to do. If I were... normal, perhaps our class rep would have been able to cheer me up with conventional methods. Unfortunately, by any standards, in my world or even yours, I am not normal.

For that reason, I will never ever tell anyone these thoughts. Nothing good will come out of it. Absolutely! Instead, their rivalry will only escalate to another degree if I do so.

"See! He is much better now." Rachel stands near me with both hands on her hips and her chin up high. It is almost a smug face she is putting on. No, it IS a smug face. "Darling is better now, all thanks to the only Rachel!"

"..." Laura does not make a single sound, but the darkness in her eyes explains what her mind is going through in all its glory. I do not have to understand our serious class rep to know she is contemplating something seriously harmful, maybe with a tint of blood.

Not going to lie, but the fact that she can stay still like that and not punch or hit Rachel in the face is a great effort. I would not hold it in if I was in her case. After all, this is the second time she, a third wheel, kisses me without my girlfriend's approval. Not only does that violates the sanctity of our relationship, but it also is a huge disrespect.

Who am I kidding? No one in their goddamn mind would approve of something like that! Especially not in this wretched world!

Wait... I should say something to clear things up!

"Are you feeling any better, C?" The class rep ignores Blondie and turns to me. Unlike the bloodshot eyes she gives Rachel, our class rep only shows me her most gentle expression. In the corners of those brown jewels are heavy teardrops about to run down, telling me how emotional she is.

"Not exactly better, but I'm not in agony anymore." Nodding slightly, I reply. "And...um...about Rachel..."

"You don't have to worry about that. This makes me angry to put into words, but I am somewhat used to Rachel's shenanigans at this point."

She reaches out one hand and touches my face, giving me the warmth of a human touch. Between the heat created by the sun up there in the sky and her palm, I would prefer Laura's softness any day. "It's never your fault. Only Rachel's."

Why is she so understanding? I am melting over here...

"If it is possible, can we hear your dilemma? What is it that is troubling you so much?"

Rachel jumps to the side and hugs my arm, pulling it into her chest as she did in the morning: "You know you can always confide in us. We're here for you, C. Always!"

"We saw Kurokawa leaving. However, we don't have the context of your conversation with her. If it's fine with you, C..." Laura comes closer to me. Her voice is almost as if she is pleading.

Some men out there would probably shrug the hands of these girls off by saying nothing or lying about the case. Not me. The truth matters to these Yandere girls. And the sooner you tell them everything, the better your chance of survival. Lying and dodging the question will lead to either misunderstanding or worse. Death.

"...I'm just wondering how to help someone who did not want you to help. For example, say I approached Rachel to help her with cooking. She then said there would be no need for that, but I still wanted to do something for her. In that case, what should I do?"

"Well, if you proposed to help..." Rachel leans her head to one side, about to give me her honest opinion. "I would gladly accept... Although I would love for you to sit..."

"Wait, don't answer that. Perhaps this is a bad euphemism. I will rephrase." I interrupt her answer.

At this moment, beating around the bush makes no sense anymore. There is a possibility of the girls asking me why I know so much about Kurokawa in the first place and the consequences of that. Yet, I believe they will let me live. I think...

What matters to me now is for the bookworm to live. As long as Kurokawa does not come home or does not murder her mother, then I will take any prices this world brings. In the end, judging by her attitude and...the discussion we had... I clearly can not do anything to Kurokawa by myself. I need help from them this time. This is for me and the bookworm, as well. At the end of this, if I can not use words to convince Kurokawa, perhaps I will ask Rachel and Laura to prepare for... something drastic.

"You girls are not going to believe my words... Kurokawa...is going to kill someone tonight..."

Now that it has come out of my mouth, I realize how ridiculous I sound. Who would ever believe a fragile girl with bandages all over her body would be able to do something so heinous? Without prior knowledge, there is literally no way for Laura and Rachel to believe in my words.

Worse yet, I am not afraid of them doubting me, but them believing in me and questioning how I know what has not happened.

Would they believe it if I said I was a psychic? Even a child would not be fooled by such a dumb trick...

"I mean...um..."

Shit! What do I say? What do I do?!

"Let's begin with one thing." Laura looks straight at my face. Her eyes are clear of doubts. Inside those amber gateways to her soul lies nothing but complete sincerity. "I will believe anything you say. Even when you lie to me, it must be for a good reason, C. You may point at the sky and say land, and I will follow you."

"Yes. My sweet darling, you do not need to worry about such a thing. A relationship is built upon trust. Ours is already invincible and unshakable. Nothing can break what we have. Not even time and space." Snuggling closer to my chest, Rachel explains.

"You girls know I am dead serious, right!? Kurokawa is about to commit a crime!" Unable to believe them, my voice becomes a bit louder. "Someone like the bookworm has the capability of murdering! That's an outrageous accusation! Don't you think that is wrong?"

A soft hand pinches my cheek. "We all have that capability, C. We can all kill. You, me, Rachel. There's no reason to doubt you. Even if it existed, I would still dismiss it."

That...is a bit...

"You may think it is silly or even stupid. Nonetheless, it is how we, in our heart of hearts, think about you. I mean... I am a little light-headed and giddy when you're around! Teehee!"

My face is heating up... As for my heart, I have no idea what direction it is taking.

"That's enough, Rachel." The class rep sighs.

Hearing that, the blond-haired "You can't blame me! It's not my fault C is such a nice boy!"

Laura covers her face like a disappointed mom: "I get it. But we need to focus on Kurokawa, remember? It's not about you."

"Ah...right...My bad...Carry on, C."

"Honestly, this woman..."

Is it just me, or are these two getting closer? Rather than a toxic and harmful relationship, somehow I feel like Laura and Rachel have a frienemies type. They still fight regularly, but the two girls make up for each other's bad points with their aspects.

If it is true, then I am glad.

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Rachel and Laura need more than simply me to survive in this world. Having a friend is much better than having an enemy by their side. Of course, I am not saying the two are not hiding their true intentions behind their actions. Regardless, their personalities lean more on straightforwardness than scheming and planning.

"You girls are making me blush." That is true. Without any facial features, I guess my reddened face looks like a pink lamp. "Thanks, though. I mean it."

I really do.

"Are you...not going to ask how I got that information?" Hesitantly, I ask the two girls.

"When the time comes, you will definitely tell us." The class rep says so with confidence in her voice.

Rachel then exclaims: "I can wait. I'm patient! No matter how long it takes for you to get ready, C!"

"I appreciate the gesture." I nod at their helpful words.

One day, for sure. When the time is ripe, I will.

Laura smiles gently: "So, can you tell us what is happening with Kurokawa?"

"Well..." Now that my doubts and fear are out of the way, there is only one hurdle to surpass.

"It's okay, C. We can walk while you think. Kurokawa did leave us a trail to follow, after all." Rachel suggests, and we all agree, walking side by side, tracing Kurokawa's trails. "How did she bleed this much anyway? Must have been a bad cut."

"It was." The image of her open wound comes into my mind. Instantly, my chest sinks. "When I first came here, I heard a big cracking sound from the female restroom and was worried. Turned out exactly how I expected it to be."

The two girls fall silent. They are giving me the room to talk.

"I did not go inside since it was the female restroom, but I anticipated Kurokawa to be wounded. She did."

I look at Laura on the right and then Rachel on the left.

"It's... a personal thing. Too personal that I don't even know if I should tell you. I have caused too much harm to Kurokawa already. I don't want to make it worse by telling someone else without her permission. She deserves respect." I stumble between words, trying to convey the nonsense escaping my newly formed mouth.

Of course, what I know about her is the truth. Her family condition, daily tragedies, and scars are by no means baseless rumors. The future is unknown, but the past has been written and established. It will not change, no matter what.

"Then, it is best we don't talk about Kurokawa specifically but what you are trying to do. It's within your jurisdiction and should not matter much to her." Laura gives me her advice while squeezing my hand tightly. Her voice is soft and comforting to my thumping heart.

"I..." I look down at the bloody trail Kurokawa left. Her cries are still ringing in my brain. "I wanted to persuade her. Despite my wish, before I could do anything, it was over. It was simple: Kurokawa didn't want me to be there."

"Really?" Rachel sounds surprised. "Did she say that?"

"Well...Kind of. She wanted me to leave after saying what was on her mind. And when I didn't, she was the one who left the scene."

"Perhaps she didn't want you to pity her." The class rep squeezes my hand. "I would not want to be pitied if I were in her shoes."

Nodding slightly, I continued: "She was envious. Kurokawa wanted to have your place. In her own words, she desperately wished for what we have right now, which I could not give."

"...What does that mean?" Rachel looks at me with curiosity. "My place?"

"She wants to feel loved, Rachel." The class rep explains. "She wants to be next to C. Like you. Shameless but understandable. Isn't that right, C?"

"That's it. Kurokawa needs love. In fact, I know for a fact that she needs human affection more than anything. Ever since she was... I'm sorry. Her particular circumstances have made her void of joy. That's probably all I can say about Kurokawa without her consent. But in any case, for Kurokawa's heart wounds to heal, she would need a lot of attention from someone..."

Thus, my body stops moving. For some unknown reason, there is hardly any saliva in my throat anymore as words come out as coarse as rocks. It hurts.

"...Which, for the second time, I could not offer. And my half-hearted rejection, or should I say my silence? Anyway, it was the nail in the coffin. I broke her. She didn't need my help. If only I didn't butt in, she wouldn't have had such an emotional burst." 

I do not think my limbs can work for a while. They are protesting, begging me to not come to see the bookworm out of fear of doing the exact same thing all over again. No matter how warm the hands of Rachel and Laura wrapping around mine are, they can still not stop the cold that is spreading from my chest.

Perhaps I do not want to cause her any discomfort. Or maybe I do not want to see my efforts turn into nothingness. Perhaps, both. 

"Kurokawa has always been like this. Always hurt, crying, and suffering all by herself to the point she becomes numb to it. She keeps taking everything without saying anything or showing she needs help. It was me that came to her aid, and it was also me that turned her hopeful heart into pure disappointment. I don't know how I should face her now, girls. I just can't..."

The one who knew the word false hope the most brought it to her. It was a cliche situation. So cliche it makes me sick in the guts.

Alas, I am afraid of facing her, terrified that she might be hurt more than before, by my own hands, no less.

"What would Kurokawa say after seeing me walking in with the two of you? I have no idea..." My vision blurs. "...Maybe...she will look at me with lifeless eyes and pretend I don't exist. If she slaps me or yells at me, that will be good. It will ease my conscience a little."

Shit! I need to stop thinking about myself! That was what brought this mess up in the first place! Why am I such a selfish prick?!

Suddenly, Laura hugs me, pulling me into her warm chest. "You don't know that. You deserve everything great in this world, C! And, in my humble opinion, you have done a terrific job with Kurokawa! You did what we could not do. And it was none other than you who she chose to open up to."

Stunned, I am speechless. What does Laura mean by that? The talk went in the most horrible way possible! Kurokawa cried, burst into tears, and had a complete meltdown! In a way, she went out of character totally. Out of the many iterations, I have never seen her like that! Not even once!

"I think so, too." Rachel does the same thing.

"Why would you two say that?"

"As the class representative, Kurokawa is a tough nut to crack. Thanks to the bang, feelings from her eyes can be hidden very easily. Except for rare occasions, normally, she would not express herself and just read those books of hers. Even when there is a special case, Kurokawa still does not talk about herself." Laura strokes my head lovingly.

"And Kurokawa did it in front of you. All her emotions, all her sadness... you didn't break her, darling. You broke her defense. I don't know what she has gone through that has pushed our poor Kurokawa to this point, yet I believe now is the best time to act." 

I gaze toward Rachel, and a reassuring smile is already waiting.

"We heard her voice. The path to becoming whole has to start at some point. It is after acceptance, one of the five stages of grief. The name is..." Rachel stops and looks at the class rep mid-way. 

"Acknowledgement." Laura calmly replies. "What do you want to do, C?"

"I want to save her."

"What do you mean by that?" Rachel asks. She makes that question seems as if she is cheering me on. Two pom-poms more, and she would become a great cheerleader. "Save her from whom?"

"From herself. From this world. From cruel fate. Just like how you girls are giving me a chance to feel alive, I, too, want Kurokawa to see there is a reason to live."

The hug from Laura tightens: "What would you sacrifice in order to achieve it?" 

"Whatever it takes."

"Then..." Laura bites her lower lips. And in front of Rachel's astonished aquamarine eyes, she says simply three words: "Grab her hands. Like how you grabbed Rachel's."

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