Chapter 85: I am proud of you

"Hello, Kurokawa." In front of me, a faceless guy slowly approached. A strange scene this could be to many people but not so out of the ordinary to me. 

"Can I have a minute?" His voice was calm, but for some reason, I felt a sense of hopelessness and dread coming out of him. 

It seemed his outside demeanor was the complete opposite of what existed inside. However, a sense of empathy washed over me while seeing him like that. We shared the same kind of twisted fate, after all. From the looks of it, there was no doubt that C was exhausted. Though he had no other facial features, not even a mouth, I immediately sensed a familiar yet bleak atmosphere surrounding C. Whenever I was depressed, the same atmosphere would wrap around my scarred body.

I had many times stated that C and I were of the same kind. And that made me long to understand his heart. Especially in these circumstances, my desire only grew more prominent.

*Pat*

Of course, C was not talking to me. As I turned my back to him, the one C was trying to talk to closed her book to squint her eyes, not forgetting to give the cover some caressing like she was touching something precious.

It did not take much time for me to read the title. I was familiar with it, even. Some dark fantasy world where the protagonist ruthlessly killed everyone to be with her love. That novel's lead character was everything I wanted to become. Not only did she have an appearance of a Goddess, but she also possessed an unstoppable force that demolished all that stood in her way.

When she planned a coup d'État to fight her makers for denying her rights to love and be loved, I nearly lost my composure and cried.

Honestly, it was the best novel in my collection. In more ways than one, it represented my life and my desire to be free from said life.

"Sure, C." She, or better put, Kurokawa, me, answered with a light smile. "What can I do for you?"

I shook my head upon seeing Past me forcing herself. That smile was, undoubtedly, a fake representation of her emotions. There was no doubt that Kurokawa did not want to see or talk with anyone, let alone C, whose existence did not make much of a difference to her life. She could hide her feelings from anyone but me, her future version.

Perhaps, there was an exception to those that could understand her. A particular...faceless individual.

This was no hallucination or a figment of my imagination created from my desires. The people before me existed, albeit in a timeline unbeknownst to me. I had been to this forgotten piece of time once under different circumstances when it nearly shattered me into a million pieces.

Personally, it was a bitter experience. Given the chance, I would not want to see something that heartbreaking again. To know C would hurt himself already dunk my soul into the deepest part of hell, to observe it was...unimaginable, to put it lightly.

Then again, I guessed, there were things that needed to be done to find their meaning. Were it not for that depressing fragment of C's life, I probably would be dead by now.

By giving up his life, he saved me. His sacrifice resulted in the life of someone else.

Since C never knew what kind of effect he would do for killing himself, maybe my words were redundant, nonsense, and had no meaning. Yet, the debt I accumulated only seemed to weigh more.

Still, this sudden change in environment was the best evidence that hinted at one thing and only one thing.

He did it.

He finally did it.

Something one person could do. With a touch of his caring hand, C had successfully pulled me out of the system despite my futile effort to chase him away.

On the one hand, I was grateful. On the other, I was perplexed.

What should I do after awakening from his memory? I was no longer tied to the system of this world. But my relationship with Mother was still...unsolved. Our dispute was still unsolved. Frankly, I did not see a way out of it. Initially, that was also why I went up the school's rooftop. 

"You...dumb protagonist..." My eyes were moist. Tears gradually formed from gratitude and shame for hurting someone I cherished deeply. Someone who always tried to do the best for us. "But...I guess that is how a protagonist should be. Hard-headed. Unyielding. Dumb and dense beyond words could describe. *Hic* How hilarious for me to complain about a character that is dumb while I am tied to the worse one possible."

Right beside me, C was glancing at a girl with a bang whom I was very familiar with. Nonetheless, I did not pay my past any attention. Instead, an ethereal body wrapped around him.

"Thank you, my main character...my MC."

Thanks to him, from then on, I would be free from the influence of the game and its events, free to make my own life choices. I could no longer run away from him.

His warmth and determination had managed to destroy my physical chains. All that was left was...my demons. From then on, it was no longer his fight but mine alone.

"This would be better if we do it somewhere with more privacy," C explained in a calm manner, taking me back to this conversation. "I do not want people to overhear us."

Looking back at the other me, I could tell she was forcing her lips to move. She did not want C to be there to make her socialize at all.

Well...I would not say we were so different in that regard.

Unlike moments ago, when I was on top of the school building, I was teleported next to my seat in our classroom to stand by his side. From this place, I had a better chance to look at myself from a third-person point of view. 

To say she was miserable would be an understatement. Her scars, the bandages on her arms, the soulless expressions in her pupils, and many more were unacceptable. 

And I despised her, not wanting to waste a second looking at the previous iteration. I was loathsome and resentful. Why could I not be more beautiful? Why could I not be proud of who I was? Why was I presenting myself like that at school?

No amount of freedom could make me feel any better about my past iterations. Thus, my eyes darted away from my past self's scar-filled face, completely ignoring that version.

Judging by the empty seats in the room, it should be somewhere during lunchtime or recess. Coincidentally, none of the main characters of this world was available except for me.

Of course, I was in no rush. Time in this memory world did not make much sense, anyway. Like before, I would need to see through this memory of his. My only question was what kind of timeline I was in. Which event had occurred before this? Did Rachel kill Laura?

"What we're about to discuss?"

The word privately possibly triggered a negative response because the other version of me quickly frowned under her bangs. "If this is a confession, then please, don't bother. There is no need for you to get involved with someone like me. Trust me when I say we are not on the same level. No matter how hurtful it sounds, this is for your own good."

Stubborn. My strength. 

Quick to jump to a conclusion. My other strength.

At least she was not behaving like a third-rate flower girl. The first time I saw her during one of C's memory, the behaviors os past me next to the protagonist of our world was...distasteful. It indeed left me with a filthy remembrance that should be deleted instantly.

"...Don't worry." C stopped for a second and continued. His voice clearly fluctuated. "It's...not a confession. I need a few minutes of your precious time." 

It was easy to see my protagonist flinch just now. That must have hurt him, being rejected when you did not want to confess your feelings.

Then again, did he value me on the same level as Laura and Rachel? Would he feel the same if the person talking to him was Blondie or our class representative? 

My ethereal body moved and touched his chest, trying to find the beating of his heart or any signs of him giving me any extra affection. Unfortunately, just as I expected, my hand only went through his body as if I was a ghost. 

However, my past version did not care about how stunted C was. "How important is it that we can't discuss it in class? There's hardly anyone, so I don't see the reason not to." 

Hearing those words, C stood silently, seemingly contemplating the right thing to say that would not offend me.

"It's about your future, Kurokawa. I know what you did. I know what Han did to help you." 

Immediately, my past version's pupils constricted into pinholes. Trying to hide her shaking hands, she clenched her fists tightly. 

"I don't quite understand what nonsense you're talking about. Please leave, or I will call my boyfriend."

"Guess I don't have a choice, do I?" C mumbled. 

Then, his voice changed drastically.

"That won't be necessary. Han has already been informed of it. Although I have no evidence, a missing dead body of your guardian and a possible motive can guarantee at least an investigation. An eyewitness still counts, right?" 

Goosebumps were raised all over my body. I never knew C could have this aggressive side to him. He always seemed peaceful and collected and even managed to think of corny jokes while facing difficult circumstances. But hearing these words coming out of his mouth made me shiver. They were freezing and lifeless. As if coming from someone ready to give up on living, each word C said harbored straightforward yet sober sentiments.

"W-what are you talking about?!" Past me stuttered. It was understandable, to be fair.

As soon as he mentioned their names, my past self went pale. Everything and anything C said was spot on, and she could not find anything to defend herself. Even though her memories told her otherwise—that there was no way for C to find out what they did—her present mind believed everything he said without question.

"Until I am done with you, Han will not intervene. As for Rachel, guess what Han is doing to her right now on the rooftop? They finished having lunch, full of energy and lust. What would transpire between two young people in their prime, Kurokawa?"

It was a completely different C I was seeing. The hostility he projected was abysmal. I did not know why he was showing such aggressiveness, but strangely it did not make me feel hateful or anything toward him. Mother had done worse things to me. What my protagonist showed was nothing but a tip of an iceberg to her.

Instead, my heart ached to see him behaving out of character. Throughout many interactions and after witnessing his lonely sacrifice, I had no doubt of the actual person C was. In order to make his way up the rooftop, C broke both of his hands. He risked his life trying to save Laura without asking for anything. He ran up to Rachel after hearing her cries without caring for his safety. And finally, he came to me despite many awful things I said.

In this world, in this damning, forsaken world, there existed only one good person, and that was C. Regrettably, in this iteration, he was desperate. So desperate that he had to resolve to such a mental state. 

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Something must have broken him. I was sure of it. It was not his fault. Not now. Not in the past. Not ever!

"You..."

Her face contorted, and her lips quivered as she tried to speak but failed miserably. Frantically looking around her, that girl was trying to make sure no one was trying to listen in on their small discussion. Luckily for her, none of the shadow people were interested in them. Still, I knew they were background members without an official role in this game, but that previous iteration of mine definitely thought they were real people. 

At this point, she could no longer keep her smile. 

"Please, trust me." C's voice softened after a long sigh. "I didn't want to do this. If you would please follow me elsewhere..."

He held out his arm, offering it to her like a wounded animal. However, instead of accepting his offer, she quickly stood up from her chair and said: "Fine." Her eyes were filled with doubts and uncertainty. And above all else, hatred. "Lead the way."

Retracting his fingers, C slowly walked through our classroom. Soon, that Kurokawa version followed. Even though he was faceless, I could make out a painful expression. 

A few minutes of complete silence passed, and we all arrived at the school's infirmary. Without talking to each other, C and my past version entered the room and closed it behind their backs. Thanks to my current state, I could phase through the door. 

"Please, sit on the bed. There's no one here. I'll go get something for you." While saying that, C walked to the cabinet and took disinfectants and bandages out. 

Being threatened by him prior, even though she was doubtful, that girl listened to his request. 

"Open your hands." He said. 

Another frown appeared on her face, but she was still silent. That scene reminded me of yesterday when Laura tried to monopolize C and wanted me to help her. I was behaving the same way, not saying a word.

Using a pair of forceps to grab some gauze pads to soak up the disinfecting solution, C came closer to her and once again gave her his hand. 

"Please."

Hearing his plea, she finally gave up fighting and extended her hands. Upon opening them, there were newly formed scratches all over the palms, possibly from clenching her fists too tight.

"Thank you. This might sting." Gently, he started to wipe the dark red blood of her wounds. 

I wondered if he would be this gentle to me if I listened to him and not pushed him away. Maybe he would hold my hands just like he did in this memory and caress me with all his heart. 

Because of my mistake, I lost that chance to be alone with him, cared for by him. I lost it.

My past self looked at C, then looked back at her hands. Knowing her, I thought she wanted to determine what C wanted and his final goal. For two people who had never had any interactions before this day, it must have been weird for that girl to hear her deeds being found out. Plus, C's way of dealing with her was unclear. Rather than being frank with her about what he wanted, C never said anything and only helped her clean up her scratches.

"You're good at this." Past me complimented C. "I don't feel a thing."

"Thanks. This is only one of the few things I am good at. After all, it doesn't require much strength. If it comes to strength, I'm totally beaten." He laughed awkwardly. 

But the other person was not having fun: "Let's cut to the chase, C. We're not friends, so I don't have time for leisure like this." 

"Okay." With hands still caressing that girl's hands, C made his point clear: "Don't die."

Once again, the girl's pupils constricted into pinholes. However, her hands were not moving. They were still letting C's hands clean.

"You seem to know much. Too much, to be more exact. Are you a stalker? No, it's still impossible to know what I never said to anyone." 

She leaned her head slightly backward and continued. "Psychic? Mindreader?" 

He nodded. "You can put it like that."

"I'm intrigued. What more do you know?" 

"Hold on, let me change the gauze." As C reached for the next package of gauze pads, he told her the truth. "I knew you killed your mother. I knew Han helped you by keeping her body a secret. I knew how you thought his appearance when you buried her body was too much of a coincidence."

C then held her hands tightly. 

"I knew the guilt in your heart was leading you toward self-destruction. I knew the despair you felt when you accidentally killed your mother and the regret you were living through." 

"I knew you didn't love Han. To you, he was only a facade to hide your broken heart. I knew that one day, you would find a way to kill yourself."

"Please, don't...die. That is my request." 

I could see droplets of tears forming on his face.

C was crying.

"Why..." The other me did not focus on C but looked down at her feet. Her shoulders were shaking. "If you knew so much, why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you warn me before?"

"Because I couldn't, Kurokawa. Because every time I wanted to save you, something worse would happen. Because every attempt I made, this world compensated my efforts by giving you a much more terrible fate." 

"This...too?" The other version of me did not seem to doubt his words. She kept on asking questions about him.

"It will," C exclaimed with his head hung downward. "This is my first trial of 24 to save you from killing yourself after you hide the body. The past 23 times, I tried to keep you from coming back home or found safety measures so your mother would come out safe." 

Through my misty eyes, the past iteration grabbed his hands. "And what happened when you stopped that incident? What happened to Mother? Was she saved? Was she alive?"

"..."

"C! I need to know! I need to know! Tell me!" Tears fell down her cheeks, so as mine.

I also needed to know what happened.

"She killed you, and then she killed herself." He reluctantly answered.

So it was a loop.

"So it was a loop." We both said the same thing at the same time. 

*Rumble*

A sudden rumble abruptly cut us short. The whole school started shaking violently. Through a window of the infirmary, I could see everything outside the room slowly corroding and crumbling into nothingness. A dark sky formed, and thunderous clouds were flashing dangerous lightning bolts.

"No! No! NO!!!! Not this!! NOT THIS!!!" C screamed. "Not when I just started seeing hope!!! She is starting to change!"

In front of his face, the past me asked with panic in her voice: "C! What is going on?" 

Without missing a beat, C hugged the past me. "This...is a reset. This interaction between you and me will be erased. And you...dearest Kurokawa, my bookworm, will cease...to exist. Just like the other versions of you." 

"I will die, then?" 

"We both will. But I will keep this memory in my next life, while yours will be forgotten." His voice broke to pieces.

*Rumble* *Rumble*

So that was how a reset would start. Everything crumbled into nothingness as if time was sped up profoundly.

"Then, remember this for me, C. The next time you see me, tell the future version of mine that you are proud of her. It is something I have always wanted to hear." 

*Boom!!!*

"Don't die, Kurokawa. I am proud of you." 

That was the first sentence I heard after coming back to the present. 

(The pirates are restless. I'm doing some testing to see if I can start posting normally)

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