Chapter 4: Anything? Anything at all?

"Hi, my name is Jerome. And... uh..."

With a fake smile, I stare at myself in the mirror early in the morning. I wasn't feeling too good about going to school today. Last friday, I came home in a bad mood after having to deal with the other kids on the bus. They liked to pick on each other whenever we ride the bus to and from school. They could spend the entire bus ride harassing you for entertainment. And if you were unlucky, they would make fun of you on the bus ride to school, then you could look forward to the same on the ride home.

Most of the time, I didn't have to deal with this because my best friend Malik didn't put up with their teasing. But he gets off at an earlier stop than me now because he moved recently, leaving, me alone and putting a target on my back. That friday was particularly bad for me. My dad had gotten me a football jersey with his favorite team on it to wear to school and apparently, they aren't very popular around here. I wouldn't know, sports aren't my thing. After having had enough of everyone making fun of my supposed love for a terrible team, I took out my favorite hoodie and curled up in my seat, waiting for the long bus ride to end. By the end of the ride, I wished I could throw the jersey into the trash.

"Why the hell are you wearing that right now?! It's summer time, doofus!"

My big sister Maya 'greeted' me as I step through the front door. She usually meets me at the bus stop after school, but she was late this time. I hid my face so she couldn't see my watering eyes and ran to my room. I feel like my sister is so weird sometimes. She teases me all the time, but whenever she sees someone messing with me, she goes out of her way to protect me. Honestly, all it does is give everyone at the bus stop another reason to ridicule me.

Slamming the door to my room, I slip my clothes off and toss the brand-new jersey into a corner of my room. After settling down on my bed, I finally let my tears fall. At least I made it home before I cried this time. My mom and dad did not like to hear that I cried in front of the other kids at school. They told me that it doesn't look good for a boy to cry in front of others. I felt like I was letting my parents down when they told me that, so I've tried my hardest not to cry at school anymore. It still happens from time to time, but I don't tell anyone about it. Better that no one knows about it so I don't feel guilty anymore.

Well... it's the weekend. Don't have to think about school for two days!

With that thought, I cheered myself up and got out of bed. Video games were calling for me!

I went to the living room and logged on to my profile to check in on Caleb, my character on the island game me and my sister used to play together. I say used to because she stopped playing it recently. She must have gotten bored of it. And I was fine with that since whenever I had the chance, I had a lot more time to play it myself. When I logged on, I checked my mailbox as I usually did. It mostly had some junk mail, but there was a message from the creators of the game.

- Get ready for prom with exclusive outfits and accessories available for a limited time in game! More details below! -

The mail was delivered on monday and it was the first time I had gotten to play the game all week. Probably shouldn't have been playing games past my bedtime because now I hardly have time to play video games during the week. Oh well. Might as well take advantage of the time I have available now. Emptying the junk out of my mailbox, I headed over to the clothing shop to check out this prom stuff before it goes away next week.

After entering the clothes shop, I went to the dressing room to try on the prom accessories. I saw the prom tuxedos at the top of the list first. I scrolled through all the colors that were there to see if any of them caught my eye.

Honestly, I couldn't picture myself buying and of the tuxedos and wearing them for a long period of time. Maybe for a day. Each one had a white dress shirt, but the matching jacket and pants came in ten different colors. The only thing I could think as I looked at them was...

Boring...

I was reminded me of all of the outfits I had in my closet in the game. The construction worker outfit, the ninja gear and the store clerk uniform came to mind first. It felt so constricting that all of the clothes that were available to me were so uncreative. I could only think of so many ways to combine plain old shirts and pants into something cool.

Disappointed, I scrolled down further and landed on a red prom dress that immediately caught my attention. The shoulders of the dress were completely bare, and the short sleeves connected to the top of the chest. There was a thin, white fabric that traced all the way around its form fitting waistline. Right after the white fabric, the dress flared out at the hips and stopped a bit above the knee. The rest of the dress was covered in sparkles.

There was some strange, warm feeling rising in my chest as I stared at it. It felt... good? But at the same time, there was also something like anxiety too. And the longer the dress held my gaze, the bigger the feeling in my chest got. It got so big, that at some point, it sent a jolting thought to my brain. I wanted it. I really, REALLY wanted it.

I stopped looking at the tv and watched the hallway; waiting for someone to come walking down it at any moment. Turning back to the screen, my eyes were fixated on the dress again. And the same feeling returned. For some reason, I had to have it. Disregarding the nagging thoughts telling me I shouldn't be wanting a dress; I went to but it anyway. I pressed the A button and Caleb hit one of those fancy poses in his new outfit. It... didn't look good on him. The warm feeling fizzled out.

I still want it though.

I bought the dress anyway, then went back into the dressing room to see what else was available. Passing over the tuxedos once again, I went back to the dresses and saw a blue one next to the red one. Once again, the warm feeling came back. I looked over the other eight dresses next to each other. I wanted all of them. I moved the cursor over the blue dress and went to buy it just like I did with the red one. Caleb went to strike another sassy pose, in the blue dress this time, when my dad suddenly opened the front door.

"Oh, hey kiddo!" My dad said, as he poked his head into the house. He set down his cooler that held his drinks in the doorway and turned back around to gather the rest of his things. Taking this chance to recover from my shocked state, I scrambled forward and hit the sleep button to the console. I jumped up from the floor and took a moment to stop my heart from trying to jump out of my chest. Dad came back through the door with his other things and placed them next to the cooler.

"What's up?"

He must have felt that I was startled by something. I looked up at him; his arms were folded across his chest in a way Maya and I know all too well.

Aww man.

"Nothin' much." I replied, trying not to meet his gaze for a long as I could.

"Naw, somethings up... how was school today?"

My eyes were still focused on the floor, but I could feel my dads' eyes burrowing into me, waiting for an answer.

"Uh, it was go-"

"Jerome."

I winced. I didn't want too but prolonging this was just gonna make it worse. I raised my head to meet his gaze. He was still standing there, waiting on me to give him a satisfying answer.

"How was school today? Really?" He said again. I wanted to tell him that it was fine. I'm pretty sure he would have accepted my answer. But... the pressure I felt wouldn't let me lie to his face. Not again.

"Today wasn't good honestly..."

"Okay. What happened?"

I replayed the moments from earlier today in my head. Getting to the bus stop that morning. Some kids older brother noticing the jersey I was wearing and pointing it out to everyone else. People asking me questions about the team specifically and me stumbling over my words because I didn't know a thing about them. Being too afraid to say anything as the guys on the bus continued harassing me on the long ride to school. My anxiety climbing getting off the bus, knowing that it is going to get worse at school.

"People made fun of me because of that stupid jersey you got me." I said through clenched teeth, my hands curling into fists.

"Okay, did you say something back to them? It's important that you defend yourself."

I had learned long ago that trying to defend yourself when you had nothing to say just made you look like a fool. It was easier to say nothing and let everyone tire themselves out instead of giving them more ammunition.

"No..." I said, releasing the tension in my fists.

"And why not?"

Why not?!

"Cause it doesn't matter what I wear! I don't feel right in those stupid clothes and people will make fun of me anyway!" I yell.

Tears were building up at the corners of my eyes again. I turned away and attempted to wipe my face before dad noticed. I waited for him to say something to me and after a moment I turned back towards him.

"Listen son, everything you're telling me; about not 'feeling right' in your clothes, comes from having a low self-esteem."

I went silent. That... sounded like it could have been the issue. When people mad fun of Malik, it seemed like he could brush it off no problem. It was the opposite for me though. Everything they said to me felt like I was being read like a book. I sometimes wished I could be half as cool as Malik is.

"Here is what we are gonna do." Dad walked over to the hallway closet where he kept some of his things. Searching through the shelf that held his books, he pulled one out and showed it to me.

The Power of Positive Thinking?

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"We are  gonna do a thinking exercise. First, I want you to introduce yourself, then say your name out loud."

I was hesitant to say anything at first. Stuff like talking out loud to yourself gave me an embarrassing feeling, even if no one was around to hear it. My dad gave me a quick 'go on, do it' nod.

"H-hi! My name is Jerome." I tried my best not to cringe at that. Not only did I feel like I was making a fool of myself, I also didn't like the sound of my own name. No offense to my dad, but I really wish I wasn't named after him.

"Okay. Good first step. Try to give a smile as you say it next time. Now, I want you to tell me three things that you like about yourself."

Immediately, my mind went blank.

Wh-what?

"C'mon son, something about yourself that you like. Should be easy."

"Okay... uh..."

I put my brain to work, trying to find anything positive to say.

Well... I'm not cool. Already know that. My mom tells me I'm handsome, but she's my mom. She has to say that. I'd say that Malik is actually handsome. And he's cool too. And confident. Unlike me. I'm a crybaby. Not that fun to hang out with either. Why is Malik even friends with me anyway?

I stood there for what felt like minutes racking my brain for something positive. Anything.

"Jerome."

My dad's voice snapped me out of my dazed thoughts. I looked up to meet his gaze. His concerned look gave me a worried feeling in my chest; like I was doing something wrong.

"It shouldn't be this difficult. Three things you like about yourself. The first thing that comes to your mind. Say it. Don't think too hard about it."

I don't like myself...

That was the first thing that came to my mind. And it kind of scared me. What do I tell my dad? He's not going to take that as an answer. I mean, I could lie... Yeah... Just lie.

"I-I'm handsome... I guess."

Gross.

"Alright! That's a good start. Give me another one."

It was just a lie. but it made me feel terrible. Okay, two more lies. What else could I come up with-

"JJ!!!"

The sudden noise shocked me and dad. From the bathroom, Maya had shouted my name and came stomping down the hallway. When she got to us, she pointed an accusatory finger at me.

"You forgot to the toilet seat down! I almost fell in again! What did I tell you about that?!"

"What?" I haven't used the bathroom at all since I got home from school. What was she talking about?

Maya grabbed my arm and began pulling me towards the bathroom.

"C'mon, you made the mistake, you gotta fix it."

As we walked down the hallway, my dad finally spoke up.

"Jerome."

Maya stopped pulling me and allowed me to turn around and face him.

"I want you to practice what we did today in the mirror every morning, okay? It's a confidence building exercise."

I nodded. Then Maya proceeded to bring me to the bathroom. When we got there, she pushed me into the bathroom and closed the door just enough that she could peek through the opening. The toilet seat that she was yelling at me about was already down, I looked back at her, confused.

She furrowed her brow. "I was lying, ya dingus. Just wanted to get you away from dad for a sec."

Oh.

I was thankful Maya jumped in when she did. I don't know why, but telling that lie had made me feel even worse than I already did today. It was kind of upsetting. What did I like about myself? There had to be something...

"What were you guys talking about anyway? All I could here was dad raising his voice from my room."

I really didn't want to talk about this anymore. I felt emotionally drained and just wanted to lay down in my room. I'm sure Maya understands this.

"Nothing. Just dad being his annoying self. You know how he is. Heh."

Maya watched me for a moment.

"Hmph." She shrugged her shoulders.

"Okay. Well, I gotta use the bathroom. So beat it, twerp."

"Hey!"

She pushed me out of the bathroom and closed the door.

Well. I was tired. I decided to leave it alone and go to my room to rest.

---

That's why I was standing in front of the mirror monday morning, fully dressed in the outfit Maya had put together for me. My sister is really into fashion, so I trusted her to make something that I'd feel okay in. But it wasn't doing anything for me. That same no-good feeling was still there. I looked at myself, smiling my stupid fake smile, struggling to find three things I liked. Only one answer came to mind, no matter how long I thought about it.

I Don't like myself...

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