Chapter 4: 4

Hazel, who faced him, was not a mixture of newlywed shyness and excitement at all.

 

‘I’m imagining you even when I’m dead. I’m a woman beyond redemption.’’

 

Her self-help recitation that seemed to break his heart continued, but the word “even if I die” barely caught his reason.

 

He thought only the person who tried the regression magic kept their memories of the past, but does Hazel remember everything?

 

The question of whether it was unfortunate or fortunate was quickly resolved.

 

She continued to show her feelings as if she was talking to herself.

 

The words of a broken heart, a hard time because of an unrequited love, or a parting saying that they should never meet again…….

 

It’s as if her heart had been tossed on the floor and was mercilessly crushed with his shoes. He never imagined there would be another kind of pain than a sense of loss. He immediately realized that she must have felt this way throughout their marriage without even having to dwell on the past. What the hell did he do, he was a crazy jerk.

 

He knows it can’t be an excuse, but Leopold was afraid of the future to come. A situation where he becomes unable to listen to what Hazel wants will come one day and she will eventually resent him.

 

Hazel was the only opponent Leopold never wanted to be hated by. Therefore, paradoxically, he purposely made an excuse to be hated and that would make her want to leave naturally.

 

He hoped for her to leave, but not to leave the world.….

 

But he realized too late that his choice was stupid.

 

The price he had to pay, left alone, was horribly high. Living alone in a world where Hazel did not exist was like breathing in the deep sea without a ray of light. There were times when he thought he’d rather die, but he couldn’t dare to die because he saw hope.

 

Compared to that time, his current heart pain was at a cute level. The question was how to hide his worsening health condition. As soon as he is caught, Hazel, who has a strong sense of responsibility no matter how much he refuses, will try to cure him, and in this process, she will also find out that he has returned from time. And she will realize that the human being who scratched her with mean words is in front of her, unchanged from the past.

 

It was not difficult to predict what choice Hazel would make after learning the truth.

 

If she was given the chance, she would feel similar to her childhood self who wanted to run away from his mother countless times.

 

When his thoughts reached this point, he, who was shameless and selfish, was afraid again. This time he’s really afraid she’ll stay away from him on her own will forever.

 

***

 

Tak.

 

I stood with my back against the door when Leopold left. I couldn’t move my legs because I couldn’t calm down. The same excitement I felt when I entered the academy spread from my head to toes.

 

Is this possible?

 

With mounting doubts, I managed to move my hardened legs and ran to a private study connected to the bedroom.

 

After graduating from the academy with the consideration of Mrs. Lawrence, I was immersed in research until the day before my wedding. It was because I was obsessed with the need to fix madam’s leg as quickly and completely as possible. Sadly, however, my efforts that I spent countless nights on did not pay off.

 

Anyway, as expected, familiar writing instruments and research books were scattered on the desk on one side of the study.

 

I checked the dates on the record sheet one by one.

 

1032, March, April…….

 

The excitement gradually turned into joy.

 

The wedding date was May 1, 1032, so if I remember correctly, the teacher who returned for a while to attend the wedding will leave for abroad again tomorrow.

 

Without further consideration, I prepared to go see my teacher.

 

It was still a little early after I finished changing my clothes. The door opened on its own as if it had been waiting to turn the door handle as quietly as possible with gloves so as not to disturb the sleeping person inside. A playful voice rang the hall.

 

“Did you have a good night, ma’am?”

 

“………Jayden?”

 

Dressed in the navy blue uniform of the Knights of Lawrence, the owner of the voice is now quite mature. But the freckles on his face remained the same, and I burst into tears.

 

Ah, I didn’t expect to meet him here like this.

 

“Yes, ma’am. But what’s wrong with your expression? I shouldn’t have come.”

 

Jayden scratched his curly brown hair.

 

“No, no. I’m so glad to see you.….”

 

“Hmm? You saw me yesterday, too. I was sitting in a very visible seat at the wedding.”

 

“You did.”

 

I hurriedly shook off the tears around my eyes and smiled, but one side of my chest ached.

 

Before I entered the academy, Jayden was the only family and friend in my street life. He looked five years younger than me but they were only a year apart.

 

I’m so tired and wanted to give up everything. But I couldn’t let Jayden die like a dry branch, so I endured it.

 

Fortunately, Mrs. Lawrence took care of me while asking Jaden to do the chores, and she gave him the warmth to stay in the duke’s house.

 

To his credit, he trained hard to repay her kindness somehow, and eventually was knighted at a fairly young age.

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Since then, they have lived their lives semi-compulsively. The Knights of the powerful family were as busy as the healers who graduated from the academy, and were often sent to the periphery more often than expected. Other than that, I rarely met him, especially after I started to get sick due to various duties.

 

“Where are you going from the early morning?”

 

Jayden tilted his head.

 

“How can you be here at this hour?”

 

“The Duke is always with you..… No, he told me to escort you.”

 

I was slightly moved and held his rugged hand tightly. Although I was briefly puzzled by the word escort.

 

“Heuk, sister! No, madam! You have to keep your dignity!”

 

He tried to pull out in surprise, but I gave more strength to my hands.

 

“This is fine. You’re like my own brother!”

 

Then Jayden, who was like a strict teacher, pulled out his hand and admonished her.

 

“But you’ll have to act like a Duchess from now on.”

 

“I’m not going to do anything like a duchess. Anyway, let’s go together. I’m going to see my teacher now.”

 

He frowned as if I was talking nonsense, but moved his feet pretending not to see it.

 

The brave footsteps that followed reminded me of the old days again.

 

The status of a duchess was a series of things I had never experienced in my life. The most unfamiliar thing among them was tea time.

 

I used to be invited to ladies’ tea parties often, but the situation was completely different from getting tired of studying and getting tired of sweet desserts. It was a time to talk only for the purpose of exchanging information, and refreshments were just an excuse.

 

At first, I followed Mrs. Lawrence and learned the atmosphere with tact. However, I couldn’t ask for help every time, so after a long time, I attended such a meeting alone.

 

Then, what caught my eye was the existence of an escort knight.

 

Unlike me, whose knight changes every time, other ladies were almost always accompanied by the same person. Later, I got some realization, and carefully spoke at a dinner with my husband.

 

‘I went to the Marquis of Russell today.’

 

‘Recently, he said he was anxious to raise funds. Did he wag his tail like a dog again?’

 

Leopold, who had always been concerned about political issues, snorted. But that day’s tea party was all about personal gain.

 

A little embarrassed, I lowered my gaze.

 

‘It wasn’t about funding… Everyone had a designated escort knight…’

 

After filling half of his meal with alcohol, he completely put down the cutlery.

 

‘And so…’

 

His voice, which seemed to be interested for a moment, turned cold again as usual. It was a familiar thing, so I tried not to worry about it and talked about the topic I had kept in mind.

 

‘I was wondering if I could take Jayden around as a personal escort…….’

 

He was about to touch the wine glass, but he stopped moving and stared at me as if he didn’t understand.

 

Soon after, words like thorns flowed out of Leopold’s mouth.

 

‘You don’t have to report every little thing to me. Whether you take an escort or go alone, why don’t you take care of that kind of personal matter? I’m not your parent.’

 

I didn’t want to report it, I just wanted to share my daily life. I just wanted to discuss the smallest of things to the people I like.

 

I could have called Jayden, but I never had a personal escort after that.

 

Leopold had no interest in her, he only had interest in his own ridiculous pride.

 

The National Academy was located halfway between the Duke of Lawrence’s mansion and the Imperial Palace in the capital. The two places were not far from each other in the first place, so it was only 10 minutes away by carriage to the academy.

 

I thought about riding on a horse for a while, but I didn’t want Leopold to be talked about by having an immature Duchess.

 

The aristocrats are a bunch that can talk about three hours without getting off their seats, giving ridiculous meaning to even just the color of flying birds.

 

Even in the midst of this, I felt pathetic to see myself worrying about him, but I couldn’t help it. Black ink stained with white cloth leaves traces no matter how much it is washed.

 

As soon as I got into the carriage in a relatively light dress, I opened the carriage window. There were a few times last year before I died that I went out of the mansion and wanted to fully enjoy my long outing. The night has just receded, and the light sky is still light, the warm wind that tickles the cheeks, the loud chirping of small birds, etc.

 

For so long my world had no color, no temperature, no sound…….

 

“Madam, it’s dangerous, so close the window.”

 

Jayden, who was following while riding a horse in the back, came up to the side of the carriage and nagged.

 

Suddenly, the name that came out of his mouth bothered me.

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